anxiety starting a new relationship

[richy1991]

Hey all

im here looking for some advice.
about 3/4 years ago my anxiety started when i was in a relationship, i went through a rough patch (ill brother and an abortion) and thats when it hit me, but its what was happening at the time of my first anxiety attack that is giving me troubles to this day.

i usually use to see her every night but then she would go home, but there was this one time when i had spent a whole week with her, having her stay at mine. the night she had to go home after the week together triggered an anxiety attack, something about her leaving me made me panic.

this relationship broke up about a year ago and soon as it did my anxiety just vanished apart from sunday night blues.
now about 2 months ago me and my ex decided to give it another try, i only saw her 2 times and my anxiety just came back that bad i had to back off and drop the attempt of trying

now this left me thinking that my anxiety was just linked to her. so i decided to try and find another relationship to see what would happen, whether my anxiety would come back or not.

about 2 weeks ago during the xmas holidays i met this girl and i took an instant liking to her, i then saw her a couple of times and just last weekend i stopped the whole of it at hers.
now however, on the way back home after the weekend, i just felt so anxious and have done all monday and today.

this has left me in quite a state because i really like this girl but no way am i going through anxiety again.
but then on the other hand, if this is the case i will never have a relationship, will never have children, will be lonely forever etc

i just dont know what to do or what is causing this :(
please can someone help me
thanks
Richy

[Enduronman]

Richy,

It "looks" like GAD..as if you're asking yourself "Am I meeting all of their expectations" like all the time...
Yes, certain people can increase ones anxieties...but if this has happened again for the 2nd time, then in your mind, what do you think this is?
Why did you "stop the whole thing" as you said with the 2nd girl??????
Are you just "gunshy" abit???....Like, hell no I'm not going through this again????
Then, sitting there wondering if you're always going to be alone????....You pushed her away??...
(lower your own expectations of other woman/girls and also quit wondering if you're meeting their expectations because you don't even know what they are)....unless,

you can read minds.....

Does that help?

:)

[Shy_1]

Wow guys? This really hit home to me. I've just gone through something's very similar. E man dropping some great K bombs. And sound advice. I'd like to add, love is a gamble, you like her, try it, i tried but I lost her because I was terrified to fully commit and be honest about my issues, now I'm alone and suffering it anyway. Never know she could be the one who keeps you feeling blessed.

[Enduronman]

"I was terrified to fully commit and be honest about my issues, now I'm alone and suffering it anyway. Never know she could be the one who keeps you feeling blessed."

That's a powerful Kbomb right there bruh!...

:)

[Shy_1]

That's a powerful Kbomb right there bruh!... :)

Cheers dude. Loves a beautiful thing. And It's the one thing when were with it were indestructible yet vulnerable. But with out it we don't know what feelings we are capable of. Worth the gamble IMO.

[richy1991]

tbh there are loads of different thoughts rushing through my head.
it feels to me like iv linked my anxiety with relationships and now its permanently that way
so i guess you guys are saying sit this anxiety out and see how it goes?

[Enduronman]

Cheers dude. Loves a beautiful thing. And It's the one thing when were with it were indestructible yet vulnerable. But with out it we don't know what feelings we are capable of. Worth the gamble IMO.

Some of the biggest losses of life are caused by not taking that chance...You sure got alot of knowledgeable views for a 27 yr old!!.. :)

[Shy_1]

tbh there are loads of different thoughts rushing through my head. it feels to me like iv linked my anxiety with relationships and now its permanently that way so i guess you guys are saying sit this anxiety out and see how it goes?

No matter what we say, your the boss! I genuinely think I'm in the same boat as you. My anxiety is dormant when I'm single, but coming into/in a relationship especially after (still waiting for missus right) my anxiety blows!

My advice is be honest with her, tell her how you feel, tell her your fears, but only say it as far as you feel comfortable with. If she can't handle that then she doesn't deserve you pal. But you could be onto a winner, and if you decide you want to take things further and start getting anxious or have doubts, come on here and have a chat, we got ya back.

[Enduronman]

"It feels to me like iv linked my anxiety with relationships and now its permanently that way
so i guess you guys are saying sit this anxiety out and see how it goes?"

NO!..Don't "sit" anything out. You aint no Benchwarmer dude. Yes, you've linked anxiety to your relationships. Break the link. It's only going to be permanent if YOU allow it to be....

Call her up, start over,..take that chance and disconnect that anxiety "link"...pull the plug on it. Just be "content" with things as they are..not how you think they should be.

:)

[Enduronman]

886..........:)

[NixonRulz]

It sounds like a case similar to those dam Pavlov's dogs.

Ring the bell, dogs start to drool because they believe food will come.

In your case, you now have the perception that you will panic when you start liking a girl.

You had it happen with the same girl twice.

Once you were with the next lucky lady, you started to monitor yourself to see if it would happen again.

That set the wheels a turning and bam, another attack.

That's how an anxiety disorder begins.

You need to cut it off now. A girl certainly shouldn't give you anxiety symptoms, maybe a little nervousness at first.

Retrain your brain. This. Is easy to do at the point you are.

[Enduronman]

awesome ^^^^^....:)

[AmberGbenga]

I agree with all of the above!! Take a chance man!

[richy1991]

Nixon Rulz, thats exactly how it is but theres one problem, i dont know how to retrain my brain

another thing i realized today is that this is all happening because im so scared of anxiety returning the way it did,
i dont want to get close to someone and then have an anxiety attack and end up back where i was

its just horrible to know i could be perfectly fine tomorrow if i was to break the relationship up that i have with this girl

[richy1991]

If anyone could talk to me about retraining my brain then i would be very thankful

[NixonRulz]

You say you would be back where you started if you had a panic attack while with a girl.

Why do you say that? The worst that happens is you feel bad for a few moments. As many panic attacks that I had, no one ever realized what was happening. Not once.

You learn from each episode. Mainly that it is not harmful to you.

Being worked up and overly anxious fearing things to a point that I felt sick was much worse than the few moment of an anxiety attack.

If you worry about an attack, and fear it will come, guess what usually happens. Fighting the feeling will only make it a million times worse.

So let it come, then let it go. Don't fight it, observe it. Amazing when you are researching your anxiety attack how quickly it subsides and usually comes with much less tenacity.

Once you stop fearing them, they kinda go bother someone else.

As far as retraining your brain, that has more to do with your perception of what is happening, not your circumstance.

It's not playing mind games or tricks to distract yourself, it means to look at the negative self talk you are listening to and put that same energy into the positive side of that same situation.

Afraid your going to be anxious and panic around Kate Upton? How about" I am so excited about dating that chick from Sports Illustrated, bitches!"

It's the same excitement. Your brain doesn't know the good from the bad excitement. It just acts as you guide it with your thoughts of your situation.

So if a negative thought pops in your mind, don't follow it any further since you know it's the anxiety trying to suck you in.

[richy1991]

okay let me explain more to try and clear some stuff up

like i said i spent last weekend with this girl, came back that night and felt anxious, and have felt anxious everyday since.
she had already told me she wasnt ready for a relationship but my brain was acting as if we had just started one.
i dont have panic attacks, if youve mistaken that. i just feel anxious all day for no reason other than knowing im in a relationship.
i have no reason for this.

just a hour or so ago i spoke to her and told her that my anxiety has flared up and that i want to stop whatever relationship we have. instantly my anxiety started to die down and now im feeling a fair bit better

so i guess im just going to be lonely the rest of my life :/

[AmberGbenga]

I HATE hearing this, but mate it's all a mind game. You can't run away from your fears. I don't have a fear of relationships, I had a fear of needles, but that is needed in life.. So I just faced my fears.. Took awhile but it happened for me. Another thing to take into consideration. Dosent matter how old you are, but you could simply not be ready for that commitment, as you get older hopefully it will get better.. You can't spent your life alone and isolate yourself because of anxiety.. That's what it wants you to do. You won't get better unless you help yourself, and no one can help you unless your ready to help yourself. And your not ready, look at all of the advice given, you didn't take it and ended it anyway because you out it in the too hard basket. That's fine.. It's your life.. But you have to make the changes today for a better tomorrow

[AmberGbenga]

I agree with frank. If I accepted my fears that come with anxiety, I wouldn't be doing anything. I would have lost the love of my life for fear of going a plane. I would have lost my will to be in a car, meaning I couldn't work, go to the gym, do anything and one could say bus or train.. To me that is 10 times worse than driving.. So that would be a no go! I wouldn't sleep due to fear of being alone in the dark with nothing but my thoughts. I would detach myself from everything and everyone. I would be a miserable wreck! Instead I chose to fight for the life I want! I go to work and gym and yoga and pole dancing and social events and shopping, I'm going on 3 27 hour plan rides this year AND I'm moving to a different country away from my family.. This is all in one year. Don't let anxiety take over anymore than it has.

[NixonRulz]

Frankie and Amber are spot on.

Avoidance brings nothing more than more things to avoid in order to feel settled

Slay that bastard now.

Date 5 new girls and blow Anxiety's mind

[jessed03]

Richie!! Now there's a face from the past!

[jessed03]

I hope you're doing well.

I forgot how zen Nixons posts are.

Anyway brb testing this date 5 women theory :cool:

[richy1991]

hey jessed, yeah its been a while, hope your doing well

so update time, last night as you know i spoke to my lady friend about not going any further and it made me feel a little better
i thought i would wake up today feeling perfectly fine..... how i was wrong
yeah my anxiety is still here as much as it has been all week

so at work i decided to have a good think about why this is all happening, why has it came back? what have i got to fear? etc
i couldnt answer anything because my anxiety has always been random, as in there has never been any real reason why my anxiety is there

its like if someones anxious about the dentist then they get anxious around that time. if someones anxious about dogs then dogs will make them anxious
but there reasons will go deeper into why they are anxious about them things

where as for me, yeah im anxious about getting into a relationship, buy why? i just dont know :S

before i started seeing this girl, i had no anxieties what so ever and was so eager to travel the 2 hours to see her. when i got there, yeah i was hella nervous but not anxious. i spent the evening with her all fine and was really happy. we then had physical activities and then went bed. we woke up the next morning and then thats when anxiety hit me a little but i brushed it off cus it was so minor. we then just spent the day chilling until i had to go, still at this point i was okay. i then got about half way through my drive and thats when anxiety really hit me but i was expecting it because i aways feel anxious on sunday evenings.

so basically what im trying to say is that before a relationship when im anxiety free, i want a relationship, i go out places and always have my eye open for potential. but then i get in one and my anxiety attacks me until i take the easy route out
im just so so confused :S just wish i had answers

[richy1991]

Guys please i really need help
everything is going to pot and im loosing it

anxiety is not leaving me alone, not even for a second
iv felt anxious all day, everyday since monday

i just dont know what is causing this, iv ended everything with the girl so nothings playing on my mind, im not worrying about anything but this god damn feeling isnt being lifted

i just dont know what to do :'(

[NixonRulz]

Go see your doc and ask for a medication or new one if you are already on one.

If it is staying with you and you can't stop thinking of it, that is an issue they could help you with

[richy1991]

iv got a doc's appointment in 2 weeks but im really reluctant to taking medication.
i havnt took medication ever since iv had anxiety because iv been scared that it will just cause more problems

[richy1991]

well im gonna phone up morning to see if they can fit me in

i understand all that but from what i know you cant stay on medication for ever, and what happens when i have to come off the medication...relapse for sure

[richy1991]

well then can i ask what the medication will actually do for me because i rarely get any physical symptoms and i can control them with my breathing. its just the physical symptoms, the anxiety feeling it self, the lack of concentration, loss of appetite etc that im struggling with. is the medication going to help that side of anxiety?

[richy1991]

yeah but its hard for me to explain because now i feel its not the thought of a relationship that is causing my anxiety

i know its the fear of anxiety that is making my anxiety continue on not necessarily the getting into a new relationship part,
even tho that did bring my anxiety back in the first place, because it reminded me so much of my previous relationship
i know deep down i want to be in a relationship, i cant remember not being in one since i was 13/14

its just i cant shake the anxiety feeling, its asif im being anxious for no reason :s

[richy1991]

thats exactly right, you said it better than i did

but surely i have to address the trigger to stop it returning in the future?
but i just dont know how to do that cus i cant say why it triggered my anxiety

its as if its a bad habit,
like someone who is scared of spiders couldnt tell you why they were, because its a learnt behaviour from their parents

[richy1991]

yeah i guess but i know ill be waiting months on a list to get to see a therapist.

i was having a think today at work whether i should go and see this girl again but just the thought made me so anxious :/