My Obsessive Compulsive Strangeness is killing me and strangling my life

[EonBlue]

It's been six months since I posted on here last. I don't know what is wrong with me, other Than i feel very near going insane, most of the time anymore anyways. And then when i realize that my rational mind will kick in and ill realize im not. its complete and pure torture. My mind is impulsive, all over the place, instant. I have to repeat things, all over things are not "feeling right" and ill make myself re do it or try to do it again to get the correct essence of it, maybe like a trauma victim if I can recreate it maybe I can master it this time...that's how it feels. But I end up just doing it over and over with increasing frustration, it looks completely insane and feels even worse. Ill think thoughts and have to rethink them over and over again, I don't have to. But I just idk. I do.. Nothing seems right. I'll read something I just wrote, or said, and it won't be right so I will have to rewrite it all over again, or re say what I just said. It doesn't make sense. These instances happen constantly through the day.

I kick up my feet when I'm out in front f others. Have to kick them one by one so that the heel touches the butt. It feels good but I like Have to do it. Even if I'm in public, it's embarrassing and it causes me even more shame and anxiety when out.

I am very bright but I'm headed nowhere. I've had a very hard/lonely life that I hate to think is mine. I work in a warehouse lifting heavy palates and I'm on concrete all day. I don't have any friends at all and I'm in a new place. I'm tired. I worked struggled through school have a BS and started on my masters but dropped out. I'm a loner tho not because I want to be. I've come very near suicide I am so unhappy and I feel stuck with my life. I want a way out of this constant endless hell. There are stretches of time where I have none of this happen, and I could almost be happy..but when I realize its usually when it will occur again. It feels like a nightmare to be in my own head. About the only time I feel okay is when I'm in my room alone in quiet and I'm pretty sure it's because there is NOTHING happening, but that's the only way I can find my peace , so naturally I'm there a lot. It's a very lonely life , this is not the way I want to live. I'm very unhappy.

I'm on medication 20mg of celexa ...but I don't think it will save me. I can't STAND how my BRAIN works and drives me crazy each and every single day. It's interfering with everything. I am very bright/smart, but the way my brain is its completely ruled by impulses and these strange whims of irrationality that dominate and force themselves into my headspace. It might as well all be for nothing.

I want to kill myself, but don't want to. I hope that somehow my life will get better.

[EonBlue]

I can't think unimpressed by this. Everyday I come home and I just have fear and worry about my life about so many things. But my stupid brain works by making everything worse, and then it just goes off. It is like I have the most inefficient brain , I swear it HAS to be. It is very hard to be productive because all the repetitive worry gets in the way and once it starts it is very hard to stop.

I usually just end up exhausted and going up away from the day and world to lie and read or just sleep until I have to get up for work the next day. I worry about my future. What are my future plans gonna be? ..I panic about that, or rather when I think of it..I can't help but be overwhelmed with an inward panic feeling and then I know it's as good as let alone because I can't do anything when that happens. It's like the switch fight flight is flipped and I'm just spinning around.

Often I'm so bewildered by my emotions and my brain that I feel like I'm going crazy. I a if more because I'm always panicked and feel I can't make the steps I need to make to improve my life. I'm sick and tired of always living around my mind or brain. I feel like its ruling me.

[Dahila]

Welcome to the forum Blue, use search button for ocd, here we have a lot of threads on it...I hope you get better, it is like I do not control how I put things in order, my clothes, must be the way certain way. Washing hands like an idiot, so I started to make my own soap to save my poor skin....and extecera .....a lot of people are dealing with it. Just stay with us :)

[Enduronman]

It's a psychotic disorder, that I doubt if celexa alone will ever be able to help you with friend.

How soon can you get back into to see the Doc?
1. There's more here than just OCD, according to your words.
2. How long have you been on the celexa, and if longer than a month or two, ask if you can try some abilify on top of that.
3. It may just be your ticket to a place that's more easily understood by you.
4. How long have these types of behaviors followed you?..Childhood?..
5. Yes, you are very smart but it is the brain communications and "impulses" that are off here..not transmitting correctly.
6. No, I'm not an MD, but my brain will do the same and then some without the proper medications so I understand this.
7. Sorry to number everything like a checklist, but if I don't, I will ramble all over this planet and page..
8. See also if you can visit a therapist in your area too, and also have you ever openly discussed this with anyone, friends, family, Doc?...
9. We're here, and many of us have the same general types of disorders friend..many.
10. Just try to implement a piece of this, a part, and you won't be that loner and aloof as you state, for much longer..

Welcome back BTW! :)

[BlessedMom]

Hi Blue,
OCD is impossible to explain to those that do not have it, but I have experienced my fair share of repetitive behaviors and I know exactly what you mean about the insanity part of it and having to have things "just so". I hope too, that things get better for you quickly. Its sounds as though you need more assistance with medication right now. I thought I was going to go crazy from it all as well before I started feeling better on my medication and the "right" mix was found. PLEASE keep trying, keep thinking positive thoughts.

[EonBlue]

Enduronman, I am not psychotic. What makes you say or think that?

[KitahD]

You don't seem psychotic - poor word choice, maybe? Unless you're hallucinating and/or hearing voices...psychotic doesn't apply to you. You sound depressed and plagued by an OCD mindset. You feel like you'll go crazy because you can't get out of your cyclical thinking. I've mentioned it on this forum before...look up the book "Brain Lock". Worth the read.

[Dahila]

Eon blue we care about you. We really do, look the responses you got. It means your story is important to a bunch of people. Forgive for my poor language skills. I was on celexa and 6 others SSRI and I do not tolerate it at all. I was lucky I got a good psychiatrist and she is helping me. I live a kind of normal life now , so will you :))

[Enduronman]

"Near going insane, realize that my rational mind will kick in and ill realize im not, torture, impulsive, all over the place, instant, repeat things, not "feeling right", re do it, do it again, correct essence, trauma victim, recreate it, master it, over and over, increasing frustration, it looks completely insane, worse, think thoughts, rethink them over, over, idk, Nothing seems right. "I'll read something I just wrote, or said, and it won't be right so I will have to rewrite it all over again, or re say what I just said. It doesn't make sense. These instances happen constantly through the day."...I am very bright, I've had a very hard/lonely life that I hate, I work in a warehouse, I don't have any friends at all, I'm tired, struggled through school, dropped out, I'm a loner, suicide, unhappy, stuck, constant endless hell, *There are stretches of time where I have none of this happen, and I could almost be happy..but when I realize its usually when it will occur again.* Nightmare, my own head. I feel okay is when I'm in my room alone, the only way I can find my peace , so naturally I'm there a lot. I'm very unhappy.

"I can't STAND how my BRAIN works and drives me crazy each and every single day." Very bright/smart, but the way my brain is its completely ruled by impulses and these strange whims of irrationality that dominate and force themselves into my headspace. It might as well all be for nothing.

I want to kill myself, but don't want to. I hope that somehow my life will get better.


That's a hell of alot more than OCD friend, and my posted reply was merely an attempt to get you to "see" this and realize this before you suffer even more needlessly...we're here to help people, not to harm them.

My apologies if I have offended you by my interpretations and perceptions of the very "key" points that which you presented with your own mind and fingers..

I really wish you well and better days, honestly.

E-Man.

[EonBlue]

It may be a lot more than ocd. But one thing it is NOT is psychotic. Tread softly. You need to be careful what you say to and about others here.

[EonBlue]

T all other members, thanks for your responses. I'm having a difficult time at home now , ts not making things much better for me, at all. I do get caught up in the cyclical ocd mindset and it can be really devastating but I try to sidestep it. It's a really difficult thing sometimes.


I don't know how I run, ran into so much problems with this over my life. All can do is keep moving forward, I thank you for your responses

[Dahila]

Blue life has a mind of its own, does not matter how much we want to change it, it goes itself. Sometimes the best for some people is to just try to wait it out. We all have many problems, and anxiety, depression is making our life living hell. It is going to get better , it always does. Take care, do not run away from this forum. I am sure you can get a lot of support here.