I am my own worst nightmare

[AmberGbenga]

I can't do this anymore, I don't have the time or the patience.. I can't live this life I'm living at this moment, I can't face everyday with fear, I can't handle the body tremors, the racing heart, the inner turmoil.. I can't live in my own head.. Listen to my own thoughts... Stand the own voice of my conscience and voices in my head. Time is precious, time stops for no one.. It does not care to leave you behind.. The world will not stop because you can't face the day.. When will this get easier, when will it stop, will it ever stop? Pain and guilt is felt for my own life withering to nothing, falling to its death.. Emptiness.. A dark hole.. Aloneness.. Positivity, they say is key, facing thy demons, taking it head on. When will this constant battle between ones will to live, and ones will to stay safe, end? It's all in your head, they say. Your making this harder on yourself, is said. Do they feel my pain? Can they see it in my eyes while I'm fighting for breath? Years of fear, depression, inner turmoil, hatred, self loath.. All to get better.. Because of that clock ticking in ones mind, the bomb.. Waiting to let go and destroy its surroundings.. Face your demons.. Difficult when one Doesn't have a cross, slay thy dragon, without a sword? Medication, meditation and mindfulness.. The three M's to cure.. How can you catch a bad guy, when that bad guy is you?

[jessed03]

Investment killed me.

When I was in a similar place to you, I had a great career building up, a woman I loved, youth, dreams... Etc. all the cliches.

I lost them all. I still have a little youth left, I'm 24, but I lost many previous great years.

In the end I gave all those things up willingly, one by one. I struggled for each one, but the struggle just made it worse. I knew deep down I was never gonna win. So I let them go. Holding on caused too many problems. I slowly realized it was harder with them in my life than without them.

So I let my whole life fall apart catastrophically, and then picked up little things from the mess, little things that made me a little happy... And went from there.

[jessed03]

^

How does my post tie in with yours?

I'm just saying I understand the whole 'ticking clock' thing, and trying to build and maintain a life in the midst of turmoil :p

[AmberGbenga]

Yer it's fuxked up, majority of y anxiety is tied to my partner and that situation.. Flying, not being able to get a visa, leaving family, everything.. But it's the thing I want more than wanting to get better.. So I'm stuck

[jessed03]

Somebody once told me 'Whatever you put in front of your recovery, you'll eventually lose'.

Man have I found that to be true lol

I hope you manage to make the things you wanna do a part of your recovery, rather than them a battle of energies. Takes some luck though! You feeling lucky... Punk ;)

What's up with the visa thing?

[AmberGbenga]

I don't have any qualifications so I'm not elageable for a visa

[jessed03]

Damn.

Is there any plan B?

[AmberGbenga]

Get married

[Enduronman]

Interesting choices of words Boingo, I sense abit of frustration..So much that one must do, with ones own self. To assure sanity, sanctity, safety,...

Why do you doubt yourself now, if I may ask??

You're very energetic (and always were) but now moreso, why????

Thinking of my Australian friend...

E-Man..

[Dahila]

Amber everyone have some talent which can be used to make money. Getting married does not solve anything. It puts more on you. First you need to learn something ; trade or go to school, you need to be independent to add more to fantastic personality you have. Sending good vibes my friend in your direction...

[Enduronman]

"A fantastic personality you have!!"


Agreed ^^^^ dear Dahlia! :)

[NeverToo...Fear]

Anxiety is pretty much our own worst enemy, cause when you are feeling all of that, when you are constantly fighting, it drains your determination and hides the light at the end of the tunnel. It strips away the goals and makes you loose focus. It's there to seriously mess you up. And it's easy to get lost in it's sea of negativity it causes. And to top it all off, you're burning on the inside where everyone else seems fine, so you end up feeling all alone. I'd say frustration is an optimum word here!

But when you are at the very bottom, well, you can only go up from there. You go up because what other choice do you have? Staying down surely makes things worse. Goals and dreams, they are out there, but maybe not at this time. And time does play a big factor with most of us here (I know it does for me) Time is everything and if I don't get something done on time, it's like I'm falling behind and it will start to snow ball..and it get's worse as you get older. But the only ones who are usually putting pressuring time limits on us is ourselves!

Things and feeling like this, well, you just have to take it day by day. Work on little things until the big picture can be more clear. Your goals can be accomplished, you will feel better and get through this. It might be a little sappy sounding, but positivity does help! :)

[AmberGbenga]

It's more of a poor me right now, knowing I have such a long road ahead.. All the pushing and fighting for the need to get better.. Oh and also, I want to get married.. Because I love him and know he is the one.. While taking that leap of faith it will bring positivity.. After I realized the solution a huge weight came off my shoulders.

[Enduronman]

And...there you have it!!! Congratulations Amber B Genga!!! What will you new name be, if I may ask?....:)

[jessed03]

And...there you have it!!! Congratulations Amber B Genga!!! What will you new name be, if I may ask?....:)

Amber Akinfenkwa Olufemi Obadujallah

[Enduronman]

Well, at least I can't pronounce any of it, ...:)

[jessed03]

She wanted to reconnect with her African Gbenga roots!

[AmberGbenga]

BABAHAHAHA!!! My step dad is African so I already have that last name :p Amber Robinson

[SamC]

Its a lot of change to think about and plan if you are thinking of moving to another country, also visas and not to mention the strain of being away from your partner ... but im sure when its all over you will feel loads better

I just left my job, friends and family to move to Turkey with my husband and while it was a lot of stress at the time and i feared a relapse thankfully it didnt come and I went ahead and its been the best thing i done, i think its what i needed actually was to get away altogether and move into a completely different situation with new possibilities as i dont think i have felt this relaxed in a long time ... not to mention i got to skip the stresses of xmas shopping lol so win win :)

I really hope when you can get your visa things sorted, i also know how much of a pain that is, but will be worth it to be where you want to be, with who you want to be with and hopefully your anxiety starts to subside :)

[Enduronman]

I think Amber "Widgie" Gbenga Akeem Mariolijuana sounds pretty cool too....:D

[AmberGbenga]

Glad to hear it samC!! I'm hoping the same outcome for myself.. I fear anxiety hitting hard.. But, ill be with the love of my life.. And not have to leave him.. Plus it is only temp.. We will be moving back tonaustralia when his service ends..

[jessed03]

It will suit her when she eventually returns to her native Nigeria to help her family with their sugarcane farming business

[AmberGbenga]

Hahahaha He-Man we could go with that

[BlessedMom]

I can't do this anymore, I don't have the time or the patience.. I can't live this life I'm living at this moment, I can't face everyday with fear, I can't handle the body tremors, the racing heart, the inner turmoil.. I can't live in my own head.. Listen to my own thoughts... Stand the own voice of my conscience and voices in my head. Time is precious, time stops for no one.. It does not care to leave you behind.. The world will not stop because you can't face the day.. When will this get easier, when will it stop, will it ever stop? Pain and guilt is felt for my own life withering to nothing, falling to its death.. Emptiness.. A dark hole.. Aloneness.. Positivity, they say is key, facing thy demons, taking it head on. When will this constant battle between ones will to live, and ones will to stay safe, end? It's all in your head, they say. Your making this harder on yourself, is said. Do they feel my pain? Can they see it in my eyes while I'm fighting for breath? Years of fear, depression, inner turmoil, hatred, self loath.. All to get better.. Because of that clock ticking in ones mind, the bomb.. Waiting to let go and destroy its surroundings.. Face your demons.. Difficult when one Doesn't have a cross, slay thy dragon, without a sword? Medication, meditation and mindfulness.. The three M's to cure.. How can you catch a bad guy, when that bad guy is you?

ha! I AM sooooo YOU!.

[AmberGbenga]

OMG you guys are too funny hahaha

[BlessedMom]

I can't do this anymore, I don't have the time or the patience.. I can't live this life I'm living at this moment, I can't face everyday with fear, I can't handle the body tremors, the racing heart, the inner turmoil.. I can't live in my own head.. Listen to my own thoughts... Stand the own voice of my conscience and voices in my head. Time is precious, time stops for no one.. It does not care to leave you behind.. The world will not stop because you can't face the day.. When will this get easier, when will it stop, will it ever stop? Pain and guilt is felt for my own life withering to nothing, falling to its death.. Emptiness.. A dark hole.. Aloneness.. Positivity, they say is key, facing thy demons, taking it head on. When will this constant battle between ones will to live, and ones will to stay safe, end? It's all in your head, they say. Your making this harder on yourself, is said. Do they feel my pain? Can they see it in my eyes while I'm fighting for breath? Years of fear, depression, inner turmoil, hatred, self loath.. All to get better.. Because of that clock ticking in ones mind, the bomb.. Waiting to let go and destroy its surroundings.. Face your demons.. Difficult when one Doesn't have a cross, slay thy dragon, without a sword? Medication, meditation and mindfulness.. The three M's to cure.. How can you catch a bad guy, when that bad guy is you?

hA! I am SO you......I AM the bad guy, the mean person, the one that pushes everyone away. Yet I am the coach, the lover, and the giver to all. Yet............I hate myself. I want to tell you, I love you. Because you are honest. I love honesty. Life is tough. YOU ARE TOUGH. Embrass who you are, and rejoice!!!! When people tell us we are making it harder on ourselves its because they cannot understand....who can but "us" in this group, give them a break...I know its tough for us rebels ;) but try. You have a tough shell, but so does a pistachio............... ;)

[AmberGbenga]

The funny thing about this post was it was not ment for here. I let my mind go and just typed.. Without thinking.. Thought it would give an insight to my thoughts, worries etc.. But instead.. This happened. It's deep.. Real deep..

[Enduronman]

We HAD to do this Amber...and you know why too!!....:)

[AmberGbenga]

Because you like to break my balls bahaha just kidding, it's fabulous

[jessed03]

I wonder if we'll have any wedding invites thrown our way EMAN?

BlessedMom, keep your calendar open...I may need a date!

[Enduronman]

:D !!!!!!......

[AmberGbenga]

Hahaha! Aww we will have a viral wedding here just for you guys :p

[BlessedMom]

I wonder if we'll have any wedding invites thrown our way EMAN?

BlessedMom, keep your calendar open...I may need a date!


little ole me? ((blink blink))

[BlessedMom]

The funny thing about this post was it was not ment for here. I let my mind go and just typed.. Without thinking.. Thought it would give an insight to my thoughts, worries etc.. But instead.. This happened. It's deep.. Real deep..

funny how things work out, huh? :)

[jessed03]

little ole me? ((blink blink))

I like when a lady plays hard to get!

Your name should be Google....... Cos you're everything I'm looking for :p

[AmberGbenga]

Oh jeezzzz get a room! Hahaha

[jessed03]

Oh jeezzzz get a room! Hahaha

Lol yeah, sorry.

I just haven't crushed this hard since I first met trinidiva!

[AmberGbenga]

Bahahaha Jesse James you horn bag :p

[Terre Nova]

Lol yeah, sorry.

I just haven't crushed this hard since I first met trinidiva!

Dating, anxiety site? Lol