Stuck

[stucke]

Hi all -

My first post on this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read. I am not sure if an anxiety forum is the appropriate place but could sure use a listening ear and some advise.

I am 31 and all my life have been reclusive - but not a true reclusive. By that, I mean I LOVE people, I love going to work and seeing my co workers, I love having people over once a year for a party, I love being invited to small parties, I am super friendly - and because of this, from an outsider perspective, people assume I am a people-loving extrovert. But on the flip side, I can only handle people in small amounts. After a day at work, I go home and require the entire evening to recover. People just completely drain me. To the point my hands start shaking, I feel dizzy, I start getting reclusive at my house. As long as I have an adequate amount of time to recover because interacting with people again, I do great! And people never really see the reclusive side to me - excluding family. My grandma always told me I have a "store front personality".

Which brings me to the current issue I am having trouble addressing. To me, my home is sacred ground. I rarely invite people over and on the rare occasion I do they only stay for a few hours. We do not live near any family, at least until recently. My brother-in-law recently moved nearby and since he moved here comes and stays for a few days at a time. Particularly on weekends. I should state he is very respectful, and overall a good house guest. But his presence in my house is bringing my anxiety to unhealthy levels. I feel like crying all the time, I have no patience, my hands are shaky, and I feel like the walls are caving in.

After working all week, I absolutely NEED my space at home, to recover. My brother in law is in his mid twenties and a free spirit. He doesn't understand where I am coming from and my husband keeps getting stuck in the middle. My husband understands my personality 100% and respects it. He is great about giving me space and he really is the only person I can tolerate in my space (and my son, of course).

I don't know what to do about my brother-in-law. He needs to stop coming over or at least when he does, only stay a few hours. But anytime we try to set this boundary, he guilt trips my husband. And then of course call his mom who in turn calls my husband and adds to the guilt trip.

I think it is great my husband has his brother nearby to do things with and am not trying to come between them. I constantly encourage my husband to go do things with his brother but for some reason, it seems like residing at our house for a few days on end is the most appealing. We have a cabin in the mountains so I can see why my brother in law likes coming but it is my space. It is my home. As selfish as it sounds, I do not want him here.

What do I do? I am at my wits end and it is going to start causing tension in my marriage - and extremely unhealthy anxiety levels.

[SamC]

Does your mother in law know you suffer from anxiety? if your husband feels too guilty or can't do anything, if its an option for you maybe you should try explaining it to your mother in law, she should be able to have a quiet word in her sons ear and tell him he needs to give you and your husband your own space so maybe set like a 2 or 3 days in the month he can come and stay.

Other option if the first one doesnt work or is not an option for you would be to get your husband to take his brother out somewhere when he comes, so hes not around the house so much and that will give you your own space to relax and have your home to yourself

I know its hard to speak about your feelings and you try to put a front on things when you have anxiety as i understand what you are talking about i am the joker and always chatting away in crowds but even now after the worst of my anxiety i still prefer small groups and somedays i still cant be bothered with people, so i get it but i think being open about how you feel and about your anxiety is probably the best option, if you explain to him or to his mum which ever is easier then im sure they will understand better and be less likely to think you are being rude or trying to stop his bro spending with him and will learn its actually an illness and support you through it. You are going to need to be a little selfish and think of yourself and your own health and your husband sounds like he understands you so im sure he will support your decision but you need to put your foot down before YOU make yourself more ill hun :D

[alankay]

If you are comfortable confiding your anxiety and the need for your sanctuary I'd consider a frank conversation with brother in law as he will not feel alienated by this then. Taking him into your confidence will actually bring him closer in a good way. It says you are betting he understands and this is not about HIM. It's you and your situation. Ask please to take this all at face value and your just being honest. You may be surprised by his reaction. He may have an " my gosh I didn't realize this and of course I can help by limiting my time in your sanctuary so you can best deal with work, etc". Your hubby can help to by affirming your situation and also telling him it's just not him. It applies to everyone except him and your son. Acknowledge it's your quirk and to please understand. You might be surprised.
If you cannot confide in him I don't have another suggestion off hand but someone here might. Alankay

[stucke]

Hi all -

My first post on this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read. I am not sure if an anxiety forum is the appropriate place but could sure use a listening ear and some advise.

I am 31 and all my life have been reclusive - but not a true reclusive. By that, I mean I LOVE people, I love going to work and seeing my co workers, I love having people over once a year for a party, I love being invited to small parties, I am super friendly - and because of this, from an outsider perspective, people assume I am a people-loving extrovert. But on the flip side, I can only handle people in small amounts. After a day at work, I go home and require the entire evening to recover. People just completely drain me. To the point my hands start shaking, I feel dizzy, I start getting reclusive at my house. As long as I have an adequate amount of time to recover because interacting with people again, I do great! And people never really see the reclusive side to me - excluding family. My grandma always told me I have a "store front personality".

Which brings me to the current issue I am having trouble addressing. To me, my home is sacred ground. I rarely invite people over and on the rare occasion I do they only stay for a few hours. We do not live near any family, at least until recently. My brother-in-law recently moved nearby and since he moved here comes and stays for a few days at a time. Particularly on weekends. I should state he is very respectful, and overall a good house guest. But his presence in my house is bringing my anxiety to unhealthy levels. I feel like crying all the time, I have no patience, my hands are shaky, and I feel like the walls are caving in.

After working all week, I absolutely NEED my space at home, to recover. My brother in law is in his mid twenties and a free spirit. He doesn't understand where I am coming from and my husband keeps getting stuck in the middle. My husband understands my personality 100% and respects it. He is great about giving me space and he really is the only person I can tolerate in my space (and my son, of course).

I don't know what to do about my brother-in-law. He needs to stop coming over or at least when he does, only stay a few hours. But anytime we try to set this boundary, he guilt trips my husband. And then of course call his mom who in turn calls my husband and adds to the guilt trip.

I think it is great my husband has his brother nearby to do things with and am not trying to come between them. I constantly encourage my husband to go do things with his brother but for some reason, it seems like residing at our house for a few days on end is the most appealing. We have a cabin in the mountains so I can see why my brother in law likes coming but it is my space. It is my home. As selfish as it sounds, I do not want him here.

What do I do? I am at my wits end and it is going to start causing tension in my marriage - and extremely unhealthy anxiety levels.


Thanks all. Things just took a different direction than I expected. My brother in law and husband came home from skiing and even though I asked my brother in law to be very quiet he successfully woke up my sleeping toddler. So after I expressed my frustration, he left frustrated.

Though it is very upsetting to be in this position, I do think it is a necessary step to help him understand me a little more. I know he doesn't like me, and I can accept that. I know I am different and have reached the age I will not apologize for who I am. I am willing to compromise but not willing to feel miserable in my own home.

I hope we can find a middle medium but at least for today I have my house back and can try and decompress. And hopefully my husband isn't too hurt of these events.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi Stucke!

A lot of good advice here. Perhaps organizing it could help you see a clearer path of least resistance down your river. Writing things down always helps me. So if your are game, here is my own attempt at sorting through what you are going through

Your problem seems to be: My brother-in-law is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

So what is your goal for resolving this problem. Try to "see the possibilities:"

1. I feel comfortable again in my own home.
2. Things get worse.
3. Nothing changes.
4. I have to separate myself and my child from my husband.

Write down the problem statement and this list of "see the possibilities." Maybe there are a few other possibilities that you can imagine. Write them down. Now, which of the above possible outcomes is the most desirable to you? I am assuming #1. So this is your goal for resolving your problem. Circle it.

Now write a list of things that you need to "accept" that you can't change. These are things that you have no control over and that will likely cause you more problems if you try to force them to change. Here are some things I can think of. You can delete some of these or add other ideas to this list:
1. I can't make my husband or mother-in-law tell my brother-in-law to stay away.
2. I can't make my brother-in-law stay away.

Now write down a list of things that you can "acknowledge" about this situation that could be helpful to you in solving this problem and achieving this goal. You have already mentioned quite a few of them. Here are the things you said, plus a few of my own thoughts:
1. My brother in law is in his mid twenties and a free spirit. He doesn't understand where I am coming from.
2. He is very respectful, and overall a good house guest.
3. My husband keeps getting stuck in the middle. My husband understands my personality 100% and respects it. He is great about giving me space and he really is the only person I can tolerate in my space (and my son, of course).
4. Anytime we try to set this boundary, my brother-in-law guilt trips my husband. And then of course he calls his mom who in turn calls my husband and adds to the guilt trip.
5. There are things that I do to unwind and relax in or around my house, so maybe I can find ways to be able to do these things whether my brother-in-law is visiting or not.
6. I married my husband, so ultimately he is the person that I need to establish the boundaries with. Whatever we agree to between us will be the way our house is run.

There might be some more things you can acknowledge that you have no shared with us yet, so add these to your list.

The next step is where you come in. Write down a list of things you can do to "negotiate" your way through this problem toward achieving your goal. These "negotiations" should be based on what you have already "accepted" and "acknowledged." These" negotiations" are your path of least resistance toward accomplishing your goal. The following are some things that could be part of your "negotiations:"
1. As a starter, ask my husband to start confining himself and his brother to a part of the house that would not interfere with the part of the house where you will be.
2. (alankay's recommendation) Have a frank conversation with my brother-in-law. Maybe by taking him into my confidence, he will actually understand that this is not about HIM. It's about me and my problem.
3. Brainstorm a list of things I am comfortable with and I like to do that I can do when my brother-in-law visits that would physically separate me and my toddler from my husband and his brother. Then start trying to do some of these things and see if it makes the whole situation better.

You can probably think of a few other things you can do to start resolving this situation that would not be confrontational and make things worse for you. Write these down.

Now, start acting upon this list of negotiations. As you do, you will start learning additional things you need to accept and additional things you can acknowledge. These new lists of "accepts" and "acknowledges" will be the basis for your next list of "negotiations" that you can act upon. The intent is for this to be an iterative process that slowly but surely brings you closer to your goal.

As you proceed with this iterative process, you might find that your own opinions, ideas, and even goal begins to change. You also might find yourself in a happier place even if you have not completely achieved your original goal. The whole purpose here is for you regain the enjoyment of your life that you seem to have lost with this particular problem, and to work on it in such a way that your problem does not get worse and you do not get more stressed out. So, when you find that you are "enjoying life" at an acceptable level again, then you can decide to stop working proactively at further accepts, acknowledges, and negotiations.

Enjoying life is what it is about.

[stucke]

Hi Stucke!

A lot of good advice here. Perhaps organizing it could help you see a clearer path of least resistance down your river. Writing things down always helps me. So if your are game, here is my own attempt at sorting through what you are going through

Your problem seems to be: My brother-in-law is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

So what is your goal for resolving this problem. Try to "see the possibilities:"

1. I feel comfortable again in my own home.
2. Things get worse.
3. Nothing changes.
4. I have to separate myself and my child from my husband.

Write down the problem statement and this list of "see the possibilities." Maybe there are a few other possibilities that you can imagine. Write them down. Now, which of the above possible outcomes is the most desirable to you? I am assuming #1. So this is your goal for resolving your problem. Circle it.

Now write a list of things that you need to "accept" that you can't change. These are things that you have no control over and that will likely cause you more problems if you try to force them to change. Here are some things I can think of. You can delete some of these or add other ideas to this list:
1. I can't make my husband or mother-in-law tell my brother-in-law to stay away.
2. I can't make my brother-in-law stay away.

Now write down a list of things that you can "acknowledge" about this situation that could be helpful to you in solving this problem and achieving this goal. You have already mentioned quite a few of them. Here are the things you said, plus a few of my own thoughts:
1. My brother in law is in his mid twenties and a free spirit. He doesn't understand where I am coming from.
2. He is very respectful, and overall a good house guest.
3. My husband keeps getting stuck in the middle. My husband understands my personality 100% and respects it. He is great about giving me space and he really is the only person I can tolerate in my space (and my son, of course).
4. Anytime we try to set this boundary, my brother-in-law guilt trips my husband. And then of course he calls his mom who in turn calls my husband and adds to the guilt trip.
5. There are things that I do to unwind and relax in or around my house, so maybe I can find ways to be able to do these things whether my brother-in-law is visiting or not.
6. I married my husband, so ultimately he is the person that I need to establish the boundaries with. Whatever we agree to between us will be the way our house is run.

There might be some more things you can acknowledge that you have no shared with us yet, so add these to your list.

The next step is where you come in. Write down a list of things you can do to "negotiate" your way through this problem toward achieving your goal. These "negotiations" should be based on what you have already "accepted" and "acknowledged." These" negotiations" are your path of least resistance toward accomplishing your goal. The following are some things that could be part of your "negotiations:"
1. As a starter, ask my husband to start confining himself and his brother to a part of the house that would not interfere with the part of the house where you will be.
2. (alankay's recommendation) Have a frank conversation with my brother-in-law. Maybe by taking him into my confidence, he will actually understand that this is not about HIM. It's about me and my problem.
3. Brainstorm a list of things I am comfortable with and I like to do that I can do when my brother-in-law visits that would physically separate me and my toddler from my husband and his brother. Then start trying to do some of these things and see if it makes the whole situation better.

You can probably think of a few other things you can do to start resolving this situation that would not be confrontational and make things worse for you. Write these down.

Now, start acting upon this list of negotiations. As you do, you will start learning additional things you need to accept and additional things you can acknowledge. These new lists of "accepts" and "acknowledges" will be the basis for your next list of "negotiations" that you can act upon. The intent is for this to be an iterative process that slowly but surely brings you closer to your goal.

As you proceed with this iterative process, you might find that your own opinions, ideas, and even goal begins to change. You also might find yourself in a happier place even if you have not completely achieved your original goal. The whole purpose here is for you regain the enjoyment of your life that you seem to have lost with this particular problem, and to work on it in such a way that your problem does not get worse and you do not get more stressed out. So, when you find that you are "enjoying life" at an acceptable level again, then you can decide to stop working proactively at further accepts, acknowledges, and negotiations.

Enjoying life is what it is about.

Wow! Thank you so much for such a thought out and insightful reply. I need to re-read your thoughts a few more times to digest it all but certainly an approach I had not previously considered. Really great! Thanks!