I'm scared of my thoughts!

[scruffie]

Hey,

So a bit of background, I am 25 years old and I have struggled with anxiety all my life. I was on Celexa for about 5 years and then decided to come off of it because I was feeling good. I went back to University this past fall and I noticed my anxiety came back. At first I just worried about my heart, and then it transitioned over to my mental state, after I had a physical, and was re-assured everything was fine.
I started to see a counselor, and talked to a doctor about going back on Celexa, which I have been for the past 5 days now.
I think a lot of my new thoughts came from a philosophy class I took which really questioned, what is the purpose of life? How do you know your not dreaming? What is the meaning of all this? I really started to obsess over this and really become scared about life and death.
The celexa has stopped the panic attacks, but everyday I wake up the thoughts come back. I don't know what triggered it, but even if I am driving and I see someone walking on the side of the road, I think its so weird how this body is in this huge universe. I guess that's how I see people everytime I look at them now, as these shells walking around the planet, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I guess its a feeling of disconnection. Even when I watch t.v. I'm constantly thinking like..these people are just this form... its' hard to explain. I then started googling (bad idea) about schizophrenia and psychosis, and I don;t think I have it because I am worried about going crazy, I am not hearing or seeing things, its just these re-occurring thoughts of, how weird it is to be human, and I am reminded of it every time I look at someone. I don't know what to do? Am I going crazy? I'm scared.

[scruffie]

Iv'e also become very isolated from friends and family. I still go to work but I think about this stuff all day.

[robotcat]

You're not going crazy. I'm currently going through a similar situation, and I (along with many many others here) understand how difficult it is. I am not at all a professional or expert by any means, but it sounds like you are having some depersonalization/derealization and obsessive thoughts. Give the celexa some more time, and have you thought of seeing a therapist?

Do you notice any time of day where the thoughts do seem to get better?

[scruffie]

ok, yeah it just sucks with it being christmas, It's hard being around people. I read up on dperseonalization/derealization and I thought maybe I didn't have it, because I'm not viewing my body from the outside or thinking things aren't real, just obsessive thoughts about how were just these bodies separated by space walking around. It's just a weird feeling. I notice the thoughts get a little bit better during the day, and they get bad in the morning and evening.

[scruffie]

Anybody have any other ideas? I'm scared.

[jessed03]

Warning: This post will heal you...

Yep, for most of my life I've been what you'd describe as a chronic over thinker. My OCD even led me to the most bizarre types of thoughts. Thoughts questioning existence, thoughts questioning reality, thoughts questioning my progress, my purpose in life and truth.

Thing is, a person who thinks all the time, soon has nothing else to think about, other than thoughts. And that's where you are at now.

You have, by all means, lost touch with reality. Not in the insane, mentally ill kind of way, but the kind of way most people have; you live a life more focused on your mental chatter and ideas, than on physical existence.

You live in a world now of illusion... Of holograms... Of ideas, chatter, apprehension and compulsive repetition of noise and calculations inside your skull.

Thought isn't bad. But the way you have come to use it is.

Thought is a great servant, but a terrible master. Right now, it is your master. I don't know if you can see that the same way I can, looking at your story from a far.

As said earlier; your feelings of craziness, and self destructive mental habits, are because you've lost touch with a lot of reality.

Your mind would rather contemplate existence, than live it. And this is a disaster for your life. It leads no place, ever... but to misery and anxiety.

To get back in touch with reality, people use meditation. You can also use yoga. I don't recommend it to people as it's more of a spiritual practice, but I do to you.

The word 'yoga' means union. Meditation or yoga will give you back your union, and reverse the extreme imbalance of activity that exists in favour of your mind.

Meditation, is the art of silencing the mind. It's the art of stopping the chatter, and allowing other senses to become restored.

Of course you can never force your mind to stop thinking bad, negative or scary things. That's where so many people struggle and become even more tense. That's like trying to stop waves crashing in the ocean by using an iron.

Water, like the mind, becomes calm, clear and serene, only when completely left alone.

Your mind will calm again. But you will never change this, or reason with it. Never ever ever. You will simply let it go.

Once your mind is no longer your master, which takes some time, and becomes your servant again, your thoughts will be peaceful, and rare.

The only way to stop it being your master is to take most of it's duties away from it. Demote it to junior employee, from boss. As you meditate, and slowly think less and less, this is what happens automatically. You don't have to do it.

At this point, your problem you talk about in this thread, exists no longer.

If you need help with meditation, let me know. There are many recourses online.

[basst1]

Scruffie, please send me a personal message. Thank you.

[Anxious Abi]

Hey scruffie.
It's understandable that what you're going through is scaring you. Know you're not alone with being scared of your own thoughts.
Although I recognize some similarities to my own feelings and ways of thinking, it seems close to something that happened to my sister last year.
She started a Philosophy course at Uni, within a couple of weeks she was thinking about the world differently, asking lots of questions, she became very anxious, she would pose some of the questions/theories to me on the odd occasion, questions of reality, morality, deep stuff.
But it seems to me that is the point, Philosophy is all about questioning your perceptions, what is the meaning, the right answer, is there one? Or is it all relative?
Maybe you are just trying to make sense of the new information, trying to put it into your world, seeing if it fits.
You could try talking to your professor, it's likely other students have experienced something similar at some point, it's harder if you are of an anxious disposition to begin with.
I could be totally wrong, but that's my perception.
Also listen to jessed03, very very wise one.
Hope you get the help you need.

[Applecherry]

Ah, philosophy, what person who deals with anxiety has not has not had their heads spinned around, and majorly fcked with(for a time) cause of it? Welcome to the club.

Don't bother your mind with skeptical philosophy, it is born from an anxious mind. Just try and rember your anxious mind likes to question and doubt the validity of everything, it tells you to not trust, and to be wary. That is all it's doing. A few summers ago I remember my anxiety was incredibly bad and I was analyzing nearly everything in sight, or what popped into my head. I felt like I was on crack, in fact I googled some of my thoughts during that time and pulled up a drug users forum and those people were asking the same questions, lol.

I laugh at it now but at the time I really felt badly Anxious and anxiety simply makes you question and over analyze everything. When you get these thoughts just ignore and go do something else, you will get nowhere thinking about them it is just your anxiety causing you to think too deep about useless things.

[blondieqtpie]

Having anxiety I find makes your mind often race ... Which can be good and bad. I find anxious people thinkers and that is good!
Also intrusive thoughts are common woe anxiety as well as obsessive thoughts.
Just take deep breaths and try and slow things down.
And your questions are Normal and a sign of higher abstract thinking --- it's good!
Just try to slow down and piece it all together.

Many of our best inventors, artists, musicians, writers had anxiety and/ mood disorders .

You're ok

[Chatative]

I then started googling (bad idea) about schizophrenia and psychosis, and I don;t think I have it because I am worried about going crazy, I am not hearing or seeing things, its just these re-occurring thoughts of, how weird it is to be human, and I am reminded of it every time I look at someone. I don't know what to do? Am I going crazy? I'm scared.

I wouldn't worry, recurring thoughts are not uncommon in anxiety disorders & related things like OCD. As is thinking you are going crazy.

If you had Schizophrenia, you wouldn't know that you were having strange thoughts or think that you were going crazy. (It would be real although you might be distressed & not understand what was happening.) Schizophrenics generally have no idea they are ill.

If you want to talk about it PM me. I had Schizophrenia for 2.5 years before I got lucky & it cleared up.

[em1]

Oh those dam
Thoughts,that's my biggest struggle at the moment,it's scary how they just come,I can't remember How they started,I'm reading a good book on bad thoughts it's called the Imp of the mind if anyone is interested :)

[blondieqtpie]

I wouldn't worry, recurring thoughts are not uncommon in anxiety disorders & related things like OCD. As is thinking you are going crazy.

If you had Schizophrenia, you wouldn't know that you were having strange thoughts or think that you were going crazy. (It would be real although you might be distressed & not understand what was happening.) Schizophrenics generally have no idea they are ill.

If you want to talk about it PM me. I had Schizophrenia for 2.5 years before I got lucky & it cleared up.

This is very true. People with mental illness like schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder and the likes often don't know it, or totally deny it. I believe my sister has one of those and is a chronic pot smoker which I have researched can make the symptoms worse for those mental health issues actually. She has shut out our family mostly and recently myself as well, has a totally skewered idea of who I am and our relationship as siblings and blames me for mod of her problems. It's very scary for me, because I see it, I've told my parents and a couple of friends of mine see it but her boyfriend does not and is an enabler for her addiction and her mental health issues ( she smokes it literally 24/7 and he buys it because she doesn't work)
ANYWAYS I doubt you fall into this category and many people with anxiety disorders have intrusive thoughts and ocds too. These can sometimes make you feel you are going crazy--- no you're not.