I freeze and run when I get succesful, why?

[Essy]

When Googling about anxiety, I stumbled upon this forum.
I've had my fair share of therapy in life and I came out quite good.
My life hasn't been easy, but through hard work I managed to get where I am now and I am very happy, but my mind seems stuck sometimes.

Every time I seem to achieve something in life, I panic, freeze and run.
It happens everytime I am achieving something solid in life, like an education or friendship.
I have spoken to lots of therapists and the like, but it is something I find very hard to describe and even harder to get a grasp on.

I am wondering if there are more people out there who are experiencing the same or perhaps even someone who managed to get some sort of understanding or control over it.
I'll try to explain what happens whenever things are starting to get good...

When I was in artschool I was among the top of my class.
I was appointed to a top-notch company for an internship and only had 1 1/2 year ahead of me until graduation.
I had no financial worries whatsoever because I made good money with my parttime job and my boyfriend who worked for the government also made good money.
Within a few months time, when I realised my life went good (almost too good) it seemed like my life didn't belong to me, like I wasn't made for succes and that it felt like betrayel towards my parents because their lives were crappy.
There is this saying in Dutch that says if you were born for a nickel, you will never be worth a quarter.
So I let it all fall apart, I quit my relationship, stopped studying and work.
I got thousands of euro's of debt and did some other pretty stupid things as well.

And this cycle keeps repeating itself.
I start a new study or try to pick up a previous one, I get scared, I freeze up and drop it again.
Same I do with friendships, the moment I suspect someone likes me, I cut off all contact.
I somehow freeze, I can't explain it but it keeps happening.
My main profession is being an artist: same pattern!
Whenever I get a real assignment or when people want to buy work from me, I start to ignore them, even though I can make money from it.

I see myself doing it, I feel cold and tired and I hate myself for it.
Why can't I quit this cycle even though I see it happening?
I am married right now and have a daughter, those things are going great now.
But personally investing in myself?
I feel my muscle freeze up by the thought of it...why!?

[NixonRulz]

It sounds like you may be feeling guilty about your success. Whether it is with a relationship,or your finances

Actually I believe it is pretty common.

People tend to see the suffering of others and those down on their luck in their life for varying reasons and feel bad for them, which is normal.

But others feel so bad, they begin to downplay their successes so they appear like the rest of us

Never apologize for your success. You worked hard, you are probably a good person at heart so naturally good things will gravitate towards you.

[SamC]

Personally, i think anxiety makes us afraid of change, if you are in a place where you feel comfortable then stepping out that box gradually can be good but when you get too far out the box or move to quickly out the box its causes us to take flight straight back in that box.

Most anxiety sufferers and former sufferers tend to stay in their box as thats what they have fought for and now feel happy or secure in their box, to move out that box or too change a part of life may allow anxiety to break through again so you run back to your box in fear that it may come back and also as part of anxiety means you think the worst about everything so it makes sense if you think things are too good something bads going to happen provoking the fight or flight response all that happens is you take flight back to your comfort zone.

Hope that makes sense as i kinda get what your going through, i am in a good place now but anxiety never truely leaves us so its a daily battle and everytime something goes good i still think hmm its too good something bads gonna happen BUT you know what now i just say bugger it if something bads going to happen let it happen whether i worry about it or not i cant change fate so sometimes you just have to let go and go for it.

I just left a great job packed up my things and left all my family and friends and moved from Scotland to Turkey and yeah it was scary and i thought about cancelling the whole thing and i still thinkthis is too good to last but honestly i think its been what i needed and one of the best things ive done, after i took the first leap and handed my notice in at work that was it for me there was not going back so if you need to take a leap take a leap but if you need to take baby steps forward keep taking them but dont evergive up on what you want as you will prob find the fight is worth it :D

[Essy]

I have been running away a few times in my life when I managed to corner myself really awfully.
Having a family keeps my head straight and I don't feel that need anymore.
I get the box reference and recognize myself in it, for a part.
But I do dream from doing the things that are outside my box.
I want to start my career, I can make money and I need that money as well...why to I seek comfort in my box?
It keeps nagging me that I have no idea what I am afraid of!
Could it really be that it's just plain guilt towards others?
And if that's the case, how can I make myself let go of that?

[SamC]

I dont know you enough to comment on your feeling of guilt but what i can tell you is there definately is an irrational fear of change with anxiety, maybe sub consciously you are using the 'guilt' to avoid facing the actual problem which is the fear of the unknown ie outside the comfort box, just another take on it ...

In reference to your artwork could you maybe try it the opposite way i/e if you freeze when someone approaches you for your work, try it on your terms if you can, approach them for you work try a piece at a time and maybe the praise/acceptance of your work will give you a push in the right direction sometimes taking things on your terms is better that way you can control how far out your comfort zone you come and at your own pace if its possible might be worth a try? :D

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi Essy,

I think part of the problem the metaphor of "the box." With such a metaphor, it certainly sounds less safe and comfortable to step outside of it. I like to picture life as a river, rather than a box. You are going down that river whether you like it or not. It takes far to much energy to paddle against the current to try to stay in one place. Compare paddling up river to the things you have started and then quit. That is a whole lot of energy expended for the purpose of going nowhere. So, stop paddling. Instead, let the river's current take you downstream and use your paddle as a rudder to steer on occasion in order to move yourself around obstacles in the river. Letting the current take you and steering around obstacles is the path of least resistance and actually helps you get somewhere.

If you are game, I have something you could do that might help you exercise this metaphor in your life. Get a piece of paper and a pencil.

One specific problem you have, using what you already told us, is, "Every time I try to finish art school, I panic, freeze and run." Write this down under the title "Problem."

Based upon this problem statement, what are the possible places the river could take you into your future? 1. You finish art school or 2. You decide to go to school for something else. or 3. You don't go to school for anything. Based upon these possibilities, which one do you want to have in your future? I am guessing #1, other wise you wouldn't still be talking about it. Write this down on your paper under the title "See the Possibility." So now it is just a matter of getting back in the river and finishing this journey. The reality is that you have already made part of the journey. You just got out of the river for while. You just need top push the raft back out into the river and continue your journey.

But before you do that, list some things you need to accept that you can't change:
1. The past is past, and you can't change what has already happened. Let it go and move forward.
2. There is a minimum set of requirements that the art school requires me to meet to graduate.

There are probably some other things you can accept about this particular problem. So think about it a little. It is very important for you to understand what you can't change, so you don't waste any energy on it. Write this list down under the title "Accept."

Next, acknowledge the things you already know. Based upon what you have said, here are a couple that I think apply to you:
1. You have the desire to get your degree from art school.
2. You have talent and ability that has already been recognized by people at school and in the field.
3. Don't compare your worst to other people's best. You don;t know what other people go through. They probably have some of the same insecurities that you have. Don't assume that you are alone in feeling unsure about yourself.
4. You have a family who all love you. You have been successful in having a family. You have also been successful in getting control of your anxiety. You have the ability to be successful in other things, such as art school, IF YOU CHOOSE. You just need to decide to do it.
5. There is a lot of help available in art school to help me get through. I just need to follow instructions, listen to my teachers, and get all of the advise I can from people who are there to help. I AM NEVER ALONE.

There are probably some other things you know and have learned about going through art school that you can acknowledge. This is all valuable information for you to remember. It is these things that you acknowledge that will help you steer your way around the obstacles in the river. Write this list down under the title "Acknowledge."

Finally, you are to the point where you can push off into the river. Once you have decided that finishing art school is your goal and you have written down everything you must accept and everything you can acknowledge, you have the tools you need to reenter art school and steer your way down the river. It is just a matter of letting the inertia of the river take you to your destination, and just put in the effort required. Once you are back in the river, it is your choice to take it as slow or as fast as you wish, though you still must meet the school's minimum requirements. So take the path of least resistance, and then only increase you effort as you have energy and desire. You don't have to be the top person in your class, you don't have to finish school a year early.

In order to get started, I think it is important to write down a list of things "negotiations." These are things you are going to do to renter the river and start steering your way down river and around the obstacles. Here are some things I think you will need to do get get started:
1. Contact the art school and find out what you need to do to get started again.
2. Talk to your wife and make sure she supports you.
3. Decide when you want to get started based upon the information that the school gave you.

You can probably add some more things to this list. Write this list down under the title "Negotiations."

Once you get started doing this "negotiations" list, you will find that there are more things you are learning about that you need to accept and acknowledge. As you learn these things, write them down. These will be the basis for a new list of "negotiations" that you will need to do once you have the first list of "negotiations" completed. The key here is that the things that you write down as "negotiations" should be things that are obvious and clear that you must do.

Continue this iterative process, moving back and forth between accepts/acknowledges and negotiations. By doing this, you will be finding your path of least resistance down river that will get you to your goal, getting your art degree.

So, what will the difference be about this attempt at finishing art school and all of the others?

One difference is that you identified finishing art school as a "Possibility," not as a "Goal that you MUST complete." This takes pressure off of you. No one is forcing you to do this. You have decided that you would like for this to be an accomplishment in your future and have decided it is worth entering the river and taking the journey.

A second difference is that you plan the things you need to do as "negotiations." This is essentially your map. You know exactly where you are and exactly what you need to do. You are no longer blind and wandering. You are no longer "winging it." You also identify the things that you must "accept" and "acknowledge". These show you where the obstacles might be in the river and where the path of least resistance might be.

A third difference is that you are writing things down. You are keeping a journal of your journey, so that you can see everything that you accomplish and learn on the journey. Thus, when you are tempted to leave the river again and stop your journey, you can do it based upon knowledge and wisdom you have gained from the journey about yourself and your life, rather than panic and fear. The point is that it is okay for you to stop the journey and leave the river as an informed decision. What is not okay is running away. Making an informed decision helps you feel better about yourself. So having all of these written down helps you feel better about the decisions you make. Otherwise, you will just feel like you are running away again, which seems more self-destructive. The point is that it could be that you will find something new and better that you would rather do with your life. So you are no longer seeing yourself as running away. You now see yourself as moving onward and upward to better things.

The point is that finishing art school is a possible future. It is a desirable future. It is not something to be afraid of anymore. And it is not something to kill yourself trying to accomplish. It is just one stop of many along your river of life. Your life has a river anyway. You are going somewhere. Why shouldn't one of the destinations along your path be finishing art school?

Lee