Suicide

[mikecole114]

Hello

A week and a half ago I tried to kill myself
I failed but there u go.

I then had the task of wondering how to deal with this failure I have to accept it happened and can't just ignore that I did it

I told some friends all of whom told me how bad it is and gave me the advice help u would expect. They then go quiet
I tell myself that I didn't do it for attention but the fact that no one cares or has mentioned it since makes me feel I should have more (is that really bad?) It certainly doesn't help me feel less depressed and loved obvs wasn't that big of a deal for them.
When ever im alone it's like I'm sharing my brain with a toxic alter ego with Tourette's and massive self hate.

I want to talk to my friends about the suicidal feelings I have when I'm alone and I want to be with someone the whole time but I feel they are using more and more excuses to get out of being with me fair enough spending so much time with anyone is a lot. I just feel I can't be alone right now and I feel if I talk about it they will just think I'm attention seeking. I've got nothing bad in my life to be this depressed about! Which is why I can understand they would think I'm making this up? How do i deal with suicidal thoughts and how do I talk frankly to people about them. And no one in my family knows because again they won't understand!

Need advice

[JustAnotherMe]

Hey Mike,

Firstly, thanks for sharing something that is obviously so personal and raw. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

It's not bad to feel what you're feeling with regards to wanting more of a reaction. Many people genuinely do not know how to deal with the news and from my own experiences I really don't know anyone who has responded in "the right way". I don't think there is one.

"When ever im alone it's like I'm sharing my brain with a toxic alter ego with Tourette's and massive self hate. " - I don't think I've ever hear it expressed so well.

The only way to get past this is to let these feelings out, to express and then slowly begin to understand them. Talking on here is a great first step.

I would go to your GP and explain what you're feeling. I would also tailor your expectations. The first time I told my GP about a suicide attempt the guy was absolutely useless and, quite frankly, pissed me off. Nothing wrong with feeling pissed off, means you're alive.

But going to the GP enables you to get access to counselling and that's what really helped me and what I think would really help you, to talk to someone completely honestly without fear.

On an aside, if you're at uni/further education it seems easier to get support, I didn't need a referral to get into counselling there.

Finally don't be afraid to say you don't agree with something. If the doc just tries to throw you pills and you really don't want them, say so. If you don't get along with your first counsellor, say so and request another.

Bottling stuff up fucks you up in the long term. Opening up here is an awesome step, keep it up and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Good luck mate, rooting for you.

[mikecole114]

Hey Mike, Firstly, thanks for sharing something that is obviously so personal and raw. It takes a lot of courage to do that. It's not bad to feel what you're feeling with regards to wanting more of a reaction. Many people genuinely do not know how to deal with the news and from my own experiences I really don't know anyone who has responded in "the right way". I don't think there is one. "When ever im alone it's like I'm sharing my brain with a toxic alter ego with Tourette's and massive self hate. " - I don't think I've ever hear it expressed so well. The only way to get past this is to let these feelings out, to express and then slowly begin to understand them. Talking on here is a great first step. I would go to your GP and explain what you're feeling. I would also tailor your expectations. The first time I told my GP about a suicide attempt the guy was absolutely useless and, quite frankly, pissed me off. Nothing wrong with feeling pissed off, means you're alive. But going to the GP enables you to get access to counselling and that's what really helped me and what I think would really help you, to talk to someone completely honestly without fear. On an aside, if you're at uni/further education it seems easier to get support, I didn't need a referral to get into counselling there. Finally don't be afraid to say you don't agree with something. If the doc just tries to throw you pills and you really don't want them, say so. If you don't get along with your first counsellor, say so and request another. Bottling stuff up fucks you up in the long term. Opening up here is an awesome step, keep it up and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck mate, rooting for you.

Thankyou so much for your reply. It means a lot. I've come so far in the last 2 months with talking to people about my problems I have told many but I think this has affected me negatively in some ways. Once I've told someone about my depression and anxiety if they don't respond in the right way I again blame myself and become worse and like u said there is no right response for some things. I just don't know what to expect. But talking about suicide is so much harder due I the nature of it. I'm more nervous about what they will think of me rather then what the reaction would be. But I just know however they respond I will find something wrong with it and blame myself again.


The loops that circulate within our brains are both damaging and keep me living in the past. I live every day day by day and never think of the future because I don't like to think of me in it.

Don't worry I'm not goin to kill myself I'm nicely medicated now and I've also done some counselling but just did not get the response I wanted. I have to wait 12 weeks for cbt but 12 weeks is soo long away when I'm feeling like this

Thankyou again

[AmberGbenga]

Strongly agree with above comments. This is a delicate subject.. You need to tread lightly with whom you tell, learn from my experience.. That I've made that mistake to many times.. Took me too long to learn!! I'm a bottler, see. I've tryed for 2 years now to express how I'm feeling, and I've told my story so many times it's numb to me now, I don't cry I don't feel anything.. But I can laugh about it.. And people look so shocked.. I'm telling people a horrific experience I've lived through and I can laugh about it.. Ofcource to those whom don't understand.. It's obsurd! Some say its a lie, how can I have no emotion while telling a story like that.. I've chose to let go, stop telling people unless asked.. I don't tell the story to anyone now. That's a key locked away.. You will find a way.. You just need to find the right path

[Ponder]

You've expressed it well Mike. That's a good start to healing. "Just another me" gives a really good response there, as to forwells and Amber. In some respects I can see it's good that you have reach such a point, as it's where many of us need to be before we can finally stop kidding ourselves and actually begin to move on with life. It's that rock bottom many therapists and or gurus will mention - that place for many in which we can begin to see in a new light - a place were we no longer keep looking back and or dwell on the future - It's that point in which we begin to live each moment as it comes.

Perhaps it may be devoid of much emotion and many view it as apathy - but for me - that's a better thing than all the racing thoughts that drive me insane. You know you still want to live, because your still breathing - my best advice is to ride with the apathy if you are able to feel such a thing - again, if you can understand how you just plain too tired to keep crying over the past and worrying about the future - then embrace the silence of nothingness that is left within. This is what others do not understand - they instead see it as the depression, but you don't have too. I can be in fact a rather peaceful event that needs to take place in order before you can start taking things back in. It's almost like the reboot that has to happen, before you can process any more shit that modern technology keeps spitting out and others tirelessly keep inputting. (we all do)

Rock bottom, can be a highly sort out place that takes a long time to reach - for some people, they never make it there as they are too comfortable in life, thinking they know it all at any rate. When you having nothing left to lose, yet remain in a place of limbo, it can feel like time has stopped and or there is no end - my best advice in that situation, is to know the only place in which to walk, is forward - Not Up ... and that one must move regardless of direction - Moving is number one - get out and walk, you don't need some fancy life coaching - (although psychotherapy would be good) - But the actually physical act of taking one step in front of the other, can help the mind find itself and focus on the most basic of needs which is self control. It's not easy - and I need to go for a walk right now myself. In fact, it's what I am going to do in order to wake myself up. It's still 6:30am, so I can avoid the morning rush.

Take care my friend - living each moment at a time - is not such a bad thing.
wishing you a better day today.
Dave.