Hi I'm new and having a very bad day.

[Gemgem]

Sorry guys, this is going to be a long one!!

Hi, I'm a 31 yr old female, I've been struggling with anxiety and stress for quite a while now but didn't really realise that something was very wrong until it got a lot worse around September and I went to my GP. Looking back, I don't think I've been quite right for a very long time, well over a year probably but it was just little things that seemed insignificant then have now escalated into this horrific anxiety hell!!

I saw my GP in October and she prescribed 10mg Citalopram and I was managing to cope at that time so I was going to work and getting on with things then at the start of November it got significantly worse, worse than what I was before I went on the meds, I had started to feel better on the 10mg but not any more. I had sleeping trouble on and off for months but it was bearable, until November when I was literally lying awake for hours and hours in the night. I booked a day off work hoping it was a one off bad night/day and I haven't been back since! I went back to my GP who upped the dose of Citalopram to 20mg, I had a very bad couple of weeks but then it seemed like there was a light at the end if the tunnel, I felt like me again, I'd forgotten what that was like! I've also been referred for CBT through work, my first app is next Tuesday. I know that the meds are not a cure and that I'm going to have bad days -my husband has suffered for a few years now and said he still has a couple of bad days on a monthly basis but he's adapted to manage it.

I had a bad day yesterday, I'd had a bad nights sleep and felt off all day but today it's so much worse. I feel desparation, I'm desparate for this horrible feeling in my chest/gut to go away but it doesn't and there's nothing anyone can say to make it stop. I'm feeling so alone right now even though I have the most amazing family and friends, some of who know what it's like as they have also suffered. I think it's worse because my husband has been home for a couple of weeks on leave but he's back in work now and he does 12 hour shifts so I'm all alone with only my irrational thoughts to occupy me. I'm trying to fight it by staying busy but today I feel like I don't have the energy. I think I just need him to put his arms around me and tell me it's going to be ok.

My sick paper runs out next week and I was feeling so good I was looking forward to going back to work but now I'm in turmoil over what to do. I was thinking of asking for a phased return which would mean I'm in for 2 days next week then 3,4 then 5 as I know I wouldn't manage going straight back into 5 days. Would I benefit from getting it over with and just going next week regardless of how I feel or should I wait until the new year?

Thanks all for reading xxx

[jessed03]

Hey Gem!

Your story is rather typical of how it seems to start. I've read many stories from people on the forum, who have said that things probably weren't right for a while, but they didn't really realise until it became a big problem.

It sucks really! Pity we aren't taught in school how to recognise too much anxiety! ;)

The thing with SSRIs is the proper benefits aren't really there until at least a year - 18 months. Everything in between that is healing time. You have a good period, then a bad period as your brain shuts up shop for a few days to do some more repairs. As time goes on, in addition to the usual good living tips, you should hopefully feel things become more stable.

Of course, if there are still a lot of 'thinking errors' as the CBT therapists call them, the ship will be a bit rocky regardless of the med. it's good you've got your appt soon. It should really start to tackle the anxiety issue from multiple angles!

So you're not in too bad a place when it comes towards future progress :)

Only, it doesn't always take care of the 'now' does it, when you get those rough days! It's ok to some days though. You don't have to battle through life all the time, you can relax occasionally and not even get out of bed if you want! Distraction does help though. That's why a lot of people come on here. Usually people check in a couple of times a day. It's nice to talk with people who 'get it', people also talk about all sorts too. It's an easy way to distract yourself without exerting too much energy!

CBT can get to work pretty quickly. A few sessions, or a few times working through the exercises can really make a difference. If you felt unable to go back to work so soon, or just really didn't think it'd be that good for you, then waiting a while until you have better methods of coping in place wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

In the meantime, to help it along, doing daily relaxation exercises are always really beneficial. They'll get your mind in a better place for the CBT too. If you google progressive muscle relaxation, that's a great proven relaxation strategy. There are many vids on YouTube too that guide you through relaxation. Most aren't longer than 10-15 minutes either. From experience, after a few days of doing them, they really do help!

I hope you ride out this wave and feel better pretty soon :)

Edit: I forgot to throw you back some x's. Thanks for reading also! Xx

[Gemgem]

Thank you so much for your reply 😊 it means a lot.

I will make sure I frequent these boards, it certainly helps being reminded that you're not alone, especially when I feel I've totally lost the plot!

Xx

[Gemgem]

I don't know why it says dde0a!!! That posted itself 😕

[Gemgem]

Ahhh it doesn't like my smiley faces :-)

[jessed03]

Lol. Anytime.

Are you on iPhone or something? Your smileys look better than mine!!

[Gemgem]

Yes it's iPhone :-) very impressed that there's an app for this forum! It makes things a lot easier.

Now I just have to push myself and finish the cleaning! Or maybe I'll take a nap.... :-)

[blondieqtpie]

You are so not alone! My husband works out of town mostly and that leaves me more with my thoughts and generates anxiety.
It sometimes takes different therapies and meds to find what works too.
Coming here can help.
Meditation and self hypnosis can help.
And I run my own business so if I have a bad night for sleep or having a bad day I can't just take the day off--- and I have a 3 year old and 5 year old in half day Kindergarten. I don't get a break.
Do what feels right for you. If you need the break and can take it--- take it.
Now I totally need to sleep Myself Another hour.

[jessed03]

When taking a nap is an option, you're doing something right in life ;)

[Gemgem]

Blondie you are right, I am in a position to take time off and should make the most of it! I would like to get a couple of CBT sessions in first too so maybe I can learn some coping strategies to help me through! I had in my head new year new start, make it a positive thing to work towards, build myself up mentally for going back.

As for napping, once I'm back in work the nap option will cease to exist! Weekends are not an option as my daughter who is 9 doesn't like me to nap, she does everything in her power to keep me awake lol :-)

[jessed03]

What do you do for work Gemgem?

[Gemgem]

It's local government, IT section. What I'd really love to do is make fabulous cakes for a living though! Baking and decorating cakes weirdly has been a big help to me, when I'm doing it I go into a kind of cake decorating trance and the only thing I think about is the cake! Very therapeutic :-)

The only problem then though is I end up eating a lot of the cakes! I try to only do them now for other people as being off for so long with my routine gone I've gained about 10lbs and I was already very overweight anyway!

[jessed03]

Oh, that's cool :) baking cakes does sound more fun than IT!

I used to watch a show about a cake maker/baker. He used to make his stuff on TV, then just try one little spoonful. You've got to be pretty darn disciplined to make a nice cake/desert and just eat the one spoonful!

I always prefer a larger cook anyway. You know how the saying goes, never trust a skinny chef :D!

[Gemgem]

Ha yes good point! I always end up eating a lot of the butter icing before it goes near the cake too. Very very bad!!

And now I want cake :-/ lol

[jessed03]

Shh shh ;) take a nap and dream of cake. Far less calories!