Unsupportive spouse..

[kendall_leanne]

Anxiety in itself is hard enough to deal with but when the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with isn't supportive of the troubles you're going through it just seems to make things worse. I'm tired of hearing "quit your bitching" and "all you do is complain" and "you're never feeling good, it's annoying". Sometimes I just wish he could spend 24 hours in my shoes so he could understand how I feel and that I'm not being dramatic or trying to make excuses for things. There are times when I legitimately don't feel good and he makes me feel like a bad person because I'm not in the perfect mood or perfect health 100% of the time. I get that it's probably frustrating dealing with me but I know I've gotten about 60% better over the last 2 years and he can't even be proud of me for the accomplishments I've made in that time. I just wish he could be more supportive instead of constantly putting me down, especially when I'm so supportive of him and do everything he wants me to. Ugh!

[raggamuffin]

For someone who doesn't have anxiety it's hard to really understand it to be honest. Some people can appear downright cold or uncaring towards people who have anxiety. Have you considered CBT or another form of therapy? Perhaps once you're comfortable with said therapist invite him to attend a couple of sessions so you can get things out in the open about how badly it affects you etc. Therapist will probably be able to offer him advice on how to be more helpful and understanding regarding your anxiety.

Ed

[JLBnole68]

Anxiety is an illness just like anything else that might happen to our bodies. Unfortunately, most people who don't live with it don't understand that. They feel like it's something you can just think your way out of or just snap out of it. Well, if only it were that easy. It's always difficult when someone you should be able to count on for support isn't being supportive. However, you need to take a step back and analyze the overall situation from an objective and non-emotional standpoint. Does your husband ever support you or does he constantly berate you? If the honest and objective answer is no, he never shows any support, then you might want to rethink wanting to spend the rest of your life with this person. Remember those wedding vows? In sickness and in health? If those hold no meaning, then why stick it out with someone who's only there during the good times? Imagine if, God forbid, you had some other debilitating illness in the future. Are you just going to be abandoned to deal with it on your own? On the other hand, are you really doing everything you can to help yourself and get better? Are you taking any meds? Seeing a doctor or getting professional help? If not, you need to understand that it does get frustrating and tiresome for the other person to listen to constant complaining. Looking at it objectively, is it a situation where your husband actually supports you most of the time but perhaps gets frustrated on occasion and says something you feel is insensitive? I don't know your situation, just trying to get you to look at things honestly and objectively. Dealing with anxiety makes us highly sensitive to not only what we're physically dealing with, but also hypersensitive to anything we perceive as unsupportive or not understanding. Maybe you can talk to him and get him to understand that you've made progress and you're doing everything in your power to recover, if indeed you are. Heck, I can understand the frustration just with my experience of trying to help people on here. Some people will list every classic symptom of anxiety, but when you point that out, they'll still insist there's a 200-pound brain tumor growing in their head or that they've been bitten by a rabid vampire bat. You just want to scream "what the hell! You're being irrational and unreasonable!" Or conversely, there are people who describe what's happening to them and it's obvious they are experiencing an underlying condition like sleep apnea or acid reflux disease. When you suggest they get checked out, they immediately dismiss it as just being anxiety. Then you're thinking WTF? Fine. Leave it undiagnosed and untreated and just keep suffering and complaining. Bottom line, it's not easy dealing with anxiety, either from the sufferer or the caregiver or person who's supposed to be supportive. Dealing with someone who's being irrational or refuses to get help can understandably make you angry. So can dealing with someone who's being an ass when you're doing the best you can and getting help. Either way, I'd suggest looking at your situation and your overall relationship honestly. Hopefully, you can reach a halfway point that works for you both. I wish you well and hope things work out for the best.

[mistiblue]

He's acting out of ignorance. Like others have said, he doesn't go through it, so he can't understand. My husband doesn't completely understand either. He suffers from social anxiety, so he KIND OF understands, but they are still very different (health and social anxiety).
It's hard I know, just try to relay to him how your feeling without negativity. Maybe he can read something to help him understand better?
CBT is very good to help us deal with others. Hope things get better for you :)

[AmberGbenga]

I 120% agree with JLB.. This man has hit the nail on the head. It is so frusterating sometimes, all of us here get it, we all have anxiety.. These people come to this forum with closed minds sometimes.. Sit down an have a serious talk with your man.. Explain how your feeling and listen to him aswell

[kendall_leanne]

We've been together for over 3 years, I've done as much as show him articles, explain everything in detail to him, and apologize to him for how difficult I can be at times. Which honestly I don't even feel like I'm that difficult to deal with. For example I'm having an anxiety attack and I just want to go sit in my room with some water and a fan on me for a few minutes to cool down and he complains about me wanting to do that. Most of the time I won't even tell him what I'm going through because I'm tired of hearing how annoying I am, so I just try to deal with it alone. I've been on medication for 10+ years and see a dr regularly and even have counseling. I don't think I over exaggerate my symptoms or my problems compared to a lot of people, I don't freak out over ever little problem I have, I handle things quite calmly. I didn't used to but over the years I have learned my symptoms and they don't cause fear in me anymore. Sometimes I think I need to look at our relationship and see if this is really what I want. He has bipolar but doesn't take meds or see a doctor, he self medicated with marijuana, and I have to deal with his fits of rage and grumpiness and I don't say a word to him, I support him. I just wish that I could get the same in return. I feel like I can never show my weaker emotions because it's a problem for him but he can act however he wants and I have to be there for him.

[AmberGbenga]

Ok, yep. Sounds like you need to re evaluate the relationship. Some mental disorders don't go well together, espesh if some party seeks help and the other does not. You may love eachother, but in some cases love isn't enough

[kendall_leanne]

Ok, yep. Sounds like you need to re evaluate the relationship. Some mental disorders don't go well together, espesh if some party seeks help and the other does not. You may love eachother, but in some cases love isn't enough

That is the second time today I have heard that sometimes love isn't enough, maybe it's a sign haha.

[AmberGbenga]

It's hard Hun, but really take a good hard look.. You may need this to get better, when we are ill we need support and assertiveness with ourselves and nothing but care and kind words from loved ones.. You will be okay I promise x

[kendall_leanne]

It's hard Hun, but really take a good hard look.. You may need this to get better, when we are ill we need support and assertiveness with ourselves and nothing but care and kind words from loved ones.. You will be okay I promise x

Thank you :)

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi Kendall,

Girl, I have been there with my spouse. But things are better now, even though there were harsh words, lack of empathy, threats of divorce, slammed doors, and even broken doors. It took me a while, and that's because all of my problems were tangled up into a mess, and I did not know how to separate them. Really, the goal is to be happy, isn't it? So why aren't we happy? There are plenty of people who have problems, and they seem to be happy enough. What is the difference? I think for folks like us with anxiety and depression, we just have a hard time compartmentalizing and separating things. As a result, we begin to blame problem 2 on problem 3 while problems 5 and 6 are feeding problem 1. Everything, anything, random things, seem to feed our anxiety, our depression. Everything blends together and conspires against us. But things can begin to become much clearer if we can learn to separate our problems.

So let's have a go at separating out the things you said above into a list of separate distinct problems:

1. My husband is not supportive of me and I feel like our relationship is in danger.
2. I am still sick after many years.
3. My husband has a medical problem that he is not taking care of.

If you have a better or different way of wording these, please do so. You probably have a number of other problems that you did not share with us here, considering you are used to not complaining about everything, having dealt with them on your own for so long. Go ahead and add these other problems to your list, and write them all down where you can keep track of them.

Now look at your list. Pretty daunting, isn't it. Looks pretty impossible to solve these? I can tell you that I had a list that looks exactly like yours, except I also had multiple kids who were sick. You can read a little about my story at this link (CLICK HERE) (http://sane-book.blogspot.com/2013/11/chapter-1-night-of-insanity_25.html). I can tell you now that I have now resolved most of these problems, and the others that I am still working on are more under control and much better.

But before I could see how to work on solving my problems, I had to do some real learning about what makes me happy, what makes me unhappy, and how to work on changing my unhappiness.

So if you are up for a challenge, I invite you to go to this website at this link (CLICK HERE) (http://leeirons.blogspot.com/2013/12/sane-chapter-2-free-falling.html) and read about the methods and tools I used to get myself started down the path to solving all of these problems. I think it could help you, because it helped me. As you go along, feel free to post on my blog, send me messages, or post back here on the forum.