feeling so guilty..need reassurance

[vonnhelsing]

My mom came to visit for a month and im feeling the most dreadful guilt for not having been able to see her often because of my anxiety..restricting me to go see her cause she lives on the other side of the city and it makes me too anxious to go there. Today was her last day and I was supposed to drop her to the airport but I couldnt cause I got a damned panic attack and had to leave to go home. Am feeling so rotten. Also she doesnt really understand whats happening with me. Im really getting sick of this....

[artaud]

My mom came to visit for a month and im feeling the most dreadful guilt for not having been able to see her often because of my anxiety..

I had my first panic attack when I was in my early to mid teens, nearly 40 years ago. I only had them for a few years, but have had a lifetime of anxiety. My mother, a few years ago, was in the hospital, and my wife and I were called there because she was in bad shape (she recovered and is alive and well). But the most remarkable thing was that upon our arrival at her room, troubled though she be, the first thing she did was to apologize to me for not taking my panic attacks seriously 40 years ago. Apparently she had her first ever panic attack, she finally knew what it actually feels like.

If I were you, since you didn't see her much due to your anxiety, I'd find another way to communicate with her, such as Skype, email, text messages, etc. (You may already be doing this). There's no need to feel guilty, you know your bounds. Just like my mother, she isn't likely to understand if she never experienced anxiety or panic attacks. Show your interest in your relationship with her on terms that are comfortable to you.

[tailspin]

Hey vonnhelsing, I can relate to this. I really like what artaud writes here. It's beautiful you had that experience with your Mom, artaud. Thanks for sharing that.

My Mum comes to visit once a year from the UK and stays with us for 6 weeks. I really love my Mum and I'm an only child and have always been close to her (even though I now live 6000 miles away!). But, when she comes to stay with us, I always have periods where I feel really bad, either very depressed or very irritable or very anxious. And it's definitely difficult at those times because I just can't do some of the things she wants to do - such as take her places or just hang out and chat, or whatever, because I just feel so bad. I do talk to her about it a bit and she does understand somewhat. But, as artaud says, if you've never lived with this type of condition for any length of time it's pretty much impossible to understand what it feels like.

I can definitely relate to the guilt you feel afterwards. I feel a lot of guilt too. I haven't been to visit my Mum in over 6 years because my anxiety makes the different aspects of the trip to England feel impossible. I have a lot of guilt around that.

But the point is that guilt serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever in this case. It doesn't change anything and it only makes you feel worse. And in fact it makes you less likely to be able to function effectively because it further erodes your confidence (I know this all too well!!) Yet, obviously, it's also very hard to turn the guilt feelings off. Just remember though, it's not your fault that you feel like this!!!!!!!

I would definitely try some of the things artaud suggests here. Maybe you could also write your Mom a letter and tell her how much you love her. Or give her a call to make sure she got home safely and tell her on the phone how much you love her.

In the meantime, hopefully you can continue seeking professional help for your anxiety and work on a strategy for moving forward.

Wishing you the best!