I think am going to lose my mind!!!

[quinteen39]

There are a few people who know that I am struggling with being consistent in employment. I have been doing the same line of work for over ten years as a locum. As there are many vacancies in the line of work I do i am fortunate to earn a living however I do so under a lot of pain. I hate working as part of a team, am forever doubting my abilities and i stupidly took a role as a snr when i know after a few weeks of starting a new job fear sets in. This is ruining my life. I want to enjoy work but I cannot get past the voices that overwhelm me. I am starting to make excuses as to why i need time off and i have not been in post for a month. I am very embarrased about this. I really dont know what else to do. am not in a relationship therefore have no one to rely on if i did leave this job. I want to work but this is making me very frustrated and almost suicidual.

Is anxiety and fear the same thing?

Need a hug boo hoo

[jessed03]

Need a hug boo hoo

http://gifs.gifbin.com/052012/1337880370_cat_hug.gif

Ok, now we've hugged it out, let's talk :p

The doubtful voices must be really getting to you if they are making you feel suicidal. It's hard out there in the world, with everybody trying to pick you apart, especially when you feel divided inside.

It's like having a schoolyard bully following you around inside your mind.

I work in sales, it involves being really positive, very confident, and very set in your beliefs. When you aren't, people can see through it straight away, and you don't hit your targets that day. For a long time I faked it, just to get by. It just about kept me a float.

Vincent Van Gogh once said 'If the voice in your head tells you you can't paint, then by all means paint, and the voice will be silenced'.

I always liked that quote, and it proved very poignant in me getting to a better place career wise. Often low self esteem is pretty straight forward. It's focusing on the wrong things. It's giving the negative (thoughts and memories), more weight than the positive.

Two people could be almost identical in talent, yet one may enjoy and thrive in their carrier, and the other may struggle through. Despite both facing the same challenges and risks, the one who has the better self esteem, will almost always be happier in their job. They'll also have a far greater chance at overcoming any obstacles, and that knowledge in itself adds to a high self esteem persons confidence.

So work on your self esteem in all areas of life. I'll try and explain how, as that's a very open ended concept.
Build a loving foundation from the ground up. This will give you the cushion you need in case failure arises. When you feel supported by yourself, and you know you have a cushion of forgiveness underneath you, it frees you up a little more. The fear of falling doesn't scare you as much.
When your own mental valuation rests upon the feedback life gives you, you'll live and die a lot of times, and that on its own is a daunting thing, a thing that haunts the psyche, as every person low in confidence is very aware of it, and the pain and possible humiliation that metaphorical death may bring with it.

I know it's a cliche, but you'll always fear being accepted by others, when you don't accept yourself.

So that's the foundation. Find unity and forgiveness of yourself inside. Doing so will free you up a little in regards to doing something wrong, or facing failure or rejection. It will make you a little lighthearted towards the negativity and doubt you find in life and especially in your career.

Then there's the issue of the voice bullying you. I guess it bullies you for the reason most bullies bully people. They sense weakness, and disharmony. Your mind is you, but, it's also separate to you, if that makes sense. Sometimes you think, sometimes thoughts control you. Fixing the self esteem will make you somebody less responsive to a bully. High self esteem gives the bully less of a target to aim at. It gives the bully less insecurity to pick at.

But also the whole focus of the mind needs changing.

You doubt your abilities, like most of us here have/do. Doubt is natural, but at some point to be successful, it needs to turn into confidence. There is no better remedy to low confidence ANYWHERE ON EARTH, than winning. Winning and succeeding breeds confidence so fast. It can build it overnight.

It's not always possible to get a win out of nowhere, nor is life as simple as just winning/losing. But, there are things you do right, and all the time, that are demonstrative of successful practice. You perhaps aren't recognising them, playing their significance down, or not focusing on them. There are inevitably things you are good at. Even in challenging situations, or situations you don't enjoy, these successful behaviours are there.
But, these things are being drowned out, because the wins, no matter how small, are being forgotten in favour of the losses. The possibilities are being overshadowed by the fear of failure, or of the doubting of ones own ability.

And this is a big problem, but... it's only a perception problem. It's only because there's a hugely lopsided investment at one end of the scale, and a very disproportionate, anaemic investment, at the other end of the scale, which ironically is the one where it needs to be.

But you control that investment. Your energy and your attention are the most powerful thing in your universe. Whatever you give them to will consume you. Whatever idea, thought or feeling you allow your attention and energy to become involved in, will become you to some degree.

You have this choice everyday, every minute, every thought, to change where you invest your attention and your energy. It's yours after all. It's like your money.

The voice of doubt and uncertainty right now, is getting most of your attention and investment, perhaps not because you want it to, but maybe because there's a lack of organized competition. Perhaps there is no consistent voice of confidence and assurance, to compete with the voice of doubt. The voice of doubt may be given all this power, simply by default.

But there are methods designed to change this. There are CBT methods, aimed at tackling this very problem, and they are very successful.

I'll post them below when I'm back on my PC. Right now my ipad doesn't have the bookmarks I need. They work very successfully.

I'll also post below the name of a great book for building self esteem.

These things have been a huge help to me and my career. By focusing on positives, in an organized, routine manner, I have managed to transform my thoughts from the voice of an enemy, into the voice of a friend. You will too.

I'm sure you've heard the story of the two starving wolves that live in your head, who are constantly fighting.

One wolf represents fear, doubt, insecurity, jealousy, anxiety.

The other wolf represents confidence, calmness, assurance, forgiveness, positivity.

The one that wins that fight?

It's the one you feed.