Partner just doesnt get me

[worriedmummy85]

This is more of a vent

So I have had anxiety for about 2 months and after my first panic attack he wouldn't take a day off work to look after our little one because I didn't feel capable I couldn't have cooked or anything

So 8 weeks or so have past and still he seems so disinterested he will ask me how I am feeling and if he gets any other answer but I am fine he just rolls his eyes and then tells me to shut up about it because he thinks its making me worse

After numerous times of telling him its not making me worse talking to him helps me and I would like him to understand how scary it is (which I know he never will unless he has one)

He still is reluctant to listen to me he will change the subject or just not ask me at all I am so fed up of not having anyone to talk to because he just doesn't want to listen

He is like that with any illness he will ask me what's wrong or how I am feeling and if I say oh I have a chest infection etc he will just ignore what I said an talk about something else

Sometimes I think he tries to ignore the fact I am Ill so that everything continues as normal and I will still do everything housework etc cos if he ignores it, it's not there and it's like he pretends I am fine so he doesn't feel guilty sitting around while I am doing the stuff around the house

[missechelon]

I think that's most men I know because I don't stay in bed all say when I'm ill because I have kids to look after he thinks I'm not bad or complains when I go to bed early because I've been up all night and feel so tired I sat him down one night and told him to listen just once not to butt in and seemed to work hope you have some luck getting through to him xxx

[meichmann]

It's not most men, it's most people. People who haven't had this happen to them will never truly understand. Education is the best thing. Find an article on the basics of Anxiety and Panic, print it out and hand it to him. Ask him to read it and pay attention to what is written.

When I first started having panic attacks, my wife was the same way. She would just tell me to "get over it", roll her eyes and ignore me. Now that she has a basic idea of what's happening with me during an attack, she is more patient, understanding, and compassionate. She doesn't fully understand why they happen, but she is supportive when they do.

I hope he can understand how you feel and hopefully he will become more supportive.

[worriedmummy85]

I think that's most men I know because I don't stay in bed all say when I'm ill because I have kids to look after he thinks I'm not bad or complains when I go to bed early because I've been up all night and feel so tired I sat him down one night and told him to listen just once not to butt in and seemed to work hope you have some luck getting through to him xxx

Yeah he Also goes in a huff if I want to go to bed early and not want to watch tv in bed because he wants to

I tried this approach last night with him he just dismissed me and said he didn't want me talking about it because I would end up having an attack

[happybunnynikki]

Mine also every time I think I make a breakthrough as far as him understanding me i have a anouther (not sure what it is yet) a depressive or anxiety or whatever my problem may be he turns a around and says " why do you do that i thought we talked about it already " and I'm like yea cuz I'm choosing to feel like I'm a hopeless hot mess who has problems doing even the simplest of tasks and I thought we did also but I guess I was just talking to myself " and it's taking a huge toll on our relationship we are literatly on the rocks and I don't know what to do he thinks cuz I don't do a job that has hard manuel labor like him, cuz I'm just a stay at home mom I have it easy and I shouldn't complain about a thing and I shouldn't have any problems

[Perses]

Dear worried,

Feel free to vent away. I'm unmarried and childless. So, I can't give you the kind of been-there advice that others can, but your situation does register with me. I really hate it when people tell me that I should just snap out of it. As if I wouldn't want to do that, on my own. On the other hand, people also want to solve problems. You are upset, they want to solve that and move on. So, it's hard to stop people from giving out advice when what you really want them to do is listen. People get squirmy just listening, especially action oriented people. Second, while taking care of a child is wonderful, awesome, meaningful, it's also stultifying and boring at times. In fact, from what I understand, you have to be so on top of things to keep a kid happy, that it's hard to have some self-care time. So, I suspect that being a stay at home mom could be making you more anxious.

Now, one thing I think you should do, if you haven't already, is see a therapist. They will listen to you. Second, could you record your feelings on a tape recorder. I've done that. It feels a bit strange talking to yourself, but then you can listen back to what you've said. I found it helpful to hear myself talking about myself. I actually found that I ended up repeating a lot.

What you need from your husband is validation of your problems, a recognition of your psychological difficulties. It might be that he is nervous too, and is not sure how to deal with it. Does he talk about his frustrations, fears, issues at work, with you?

[HealthAnxNut]

Yes, I was thinking that it may scare him quite a bit, and a lot of people have the response of "shrug it off", when they are freaking out on the inside. Maybe he thinks if he ignores it (doesn't feed into it), it'll go away. Meanwhile, you really need support! Definitely, therapy. That would give you an outlet, and someone who understands you. Anxiety is a huge test of a relationship, but you really need to think about yourself first right now. I'm sending you some light!!

[worriedmummy85]

Dear worried,

Feel free to vent away. I'm unmarried and childless. So, I can't give you the kind of been-there advice that others can, but your situation does register with me. I really hate it when people tell me that I should just snap out of it. As if I wouldn't want to do that, on my own. On the other hand, people also want to solve problems. You are upset, they want to solve that and move on. So, it's hard to stop people from giving out advice when what you really want them to do is listen. People get squirmy just listening, especially action oriented people. Second, while taking care of a child is wonderful, awesome, meaningful, it's also stultifying and boring at times. In fact, from what I understand, you have to be so on top of things to keep a kid happy, that it's hard to have some self-care time. So, I suspect that being a stay at home mom could be making you more anxious.

Now, one thing I think you should do, if you haven't already, is see a therapist. They will listen to you. Second, could you record your feelings on a tape recorder. I've done that. It feels a bit strange talking to yourself, but then you can listen back to what you've said. I found it helpful to hear myself talking about myself. I actually found that I ended up repeating a lot.

What you need from your husband is validation of your problems, a recognition of your psychological difficulties. It might be that he is nervous too, and is not sure how to deal with it. Does he talk about his frustrations, fears, issues at work, with you?

I work so I am not at home all the time I have just 2 weeks off to sort myself out

I understand that it freaks people out and I don't expect him to fully understand just acknowledge that I am going through a tough time he just seems to ignore it when I am talking to him

I also don't expect him to be running around after me I am quite stubborn on the fact I won't let this beat me I will fight it, but on the days I can't fight it just be there for me

He tends to like to tell me what I am doing wrong te very first panic attack I had the next day he had me in tears telling me "it was just a panic attack" "your going on ridiculous" he was shouting at me on the night of the panic attack and walked out the room to leave me to it I had never had one before and actually thought I was dying

I once had one in bed and he asked me what was wrong I said I think I am having a panic attack so he went back to sleep

Not sure whether its me being over sensitive or him just being really insensitive

[worriedmummy85]

Yes, I was thinking that it may scare him quite a bit, and a lot of people have the response of "shrug it off", when they are freaking out on the inside. Maybe he thinks if he ignores it (doesn't feed into it), it'll go away. Meanwhile, you really need support! Definitely, therapy. That would give you an outlet, and someone who understands you. Anxiety is a huge test of a relationship, but you really need to think about yourself first right now. I'm sending you some light!!

I am going to CBT I started it last week, I feel talking about it to someone more than 1 hour a week sometimes gives me a reality check makes me realise how silly I can sometimes sound and brings my anxiety down

Just having him in the house makes me feel safe