Anxiety & Depression due to virginity and lack of relationships

[Riken]

LONG thread incoming...

I’m 22 year old male virgin. I have been in 3 intimate situations with girls in my life (in bed about to have sex). These happened at the ages of 19 and 20. For some reason I just couldn’t go ahead and do it. I have ‘got with’ (kissed or done other things with, maybe 6 or 7 girls in my life)

All my life I’ve been described as shy or quiet. Sex is in my face constantly. I see hot girls every day, on the street, on instagram, on facebook, in the gym. Every time I see a hot girl it just makes me hateful. I just can’t put into words the emotion I feel. It’s kind of a combination of everything. It’s mainly shame because I feel like she thinks I’m worthless and shouldn’t look at her because of my looks (which have been laughed at before), it’s shame because it reminds me how many hot women there are and how completing it would be to be with one, but I can never have one. It’s pain because I feel I can never match up to their standards for male looks and it’s feeling like I am a freak because I’ve never had a girlfriend.

I don’t speak about it much, if ever, but I am deeply, deeply ashamed of my lack of sex. When I was younger I remember people talking (shit) about their experiences, but I had to lie through my teeth and exaggerate my limited experience. It was so embarrassing I didn’t know what to do. One of my friends said that he thought I was gay because I hadn’t approached any girls on a holiday we went on once.

What I don’t get is, why it’s so easy for other people. For me, the idea of speaking to a woman in a sexual manner, is just totally outside my reality. It doesn’t exist. I can’t fathom it. I have never asked a woman out on a date. I have approached girls in clubs, maybe 3 times at most and it’s failed. I don’t do it for 3 reasons, firstly that I fucking hate guys that approach tons of girls in clubs like creeps and get rejected. Secondly because I believe I’m not good looking enough to have women’s affection, three because I have anxiety in those kinds of situations. The idea of asking a woman out on a date just seems wrong to me somehow, I really struggle to explain it but it’s just a mental block. It’s probably because none of my friends have ever had to do it. Most of them lost their virginity at 16, 17 or 18, even the socially retarded one I have. Recently I saw on facebook that a kid with mental illness even had a girlfriend. That was the last straw.

Throughout my life I have been put in situations where everyone says it’s easy to get laid. Everyone says that travelling is great because you can get laid easily! Famously someone told me, if you can’t get laid in Thailand mate, you might as well give up. These are SOME of the said places: -

1. South East Asia
2. South America
3. South Africa
4. University…..
5. Malia

In South America I managed to kiss ONE girl in 3 months. ONE….. my friend shagged 3! Imagine how demeaning that was… So even through being in these situations I've been withdrawn, shy, perfectionist, anti-social etc.

I have read many threads online and support posts about people saying they are sex addicts despite having anxiety disorders or being depressed. Sorry, but how the FUCK can you get women if you are anxious and depressed? Or when people talk about looking for validation through sex and they say ‘You can’t just go out and have sex constantly.’ Wtf do they mean??? They talk about it like it’s easy! I don’t understand.

The main thing here is that, having a girlfriend is just not a normal thing for me. The idea of having a girlfriend does just not fit into my frame of reference. I can’t understand how to get one, or what I would do if I got one, or why any girl would want to fuck / date / be with me. The idea is completely alien to me.

How did you get a girlfriend if you did? It’s like I missed out on being taught the way to interact with women. My dad was fucking useless in that regard. The only thing I remember being taught by my parents was that my mum said that she didn’t like sex…. Maybe an incomplete childhood is to blame for all this. I’ve never really made much of an effort with girls. I feel like I shouldn’t have to. I don’t know why. It’s embarrassing to be vulnerable.

I unwittingly take out my anger on family. They don’t understand why I have never had a girlfriend. My friends however have been more clear. One said my standards were too high. Another said that ‘You definitely know how to talk to girls, you could definitely get with some, they won’t be that hot, but you still could get with some’. I think all my issues in life, including anxiety and depression, are down to my facial structure. If I was good looking I would have girls hanging of me and never would have such self hatred.

Please help.

[jessed03]

I'm sexy as f**k... you want me to print out a large pic of my face so you can wear it as a mask?

[Riken]

I'm sexy as f**k...

If your on this forum, I highly doubt that.

[tailspin]

LOL! Hey!! Anxious people can be sexy too! :)

Hi Riken! Welcome to the site. I like your honesty. You're also very articulate. I'm sorry you're struggling with these issues. I'm not a 22 year old male so I don't have any direct experience of what you're going through (I'm actually a 49 year old woman!) But, one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that there are many young women who struggle with very similar issues. So even though you might think everyone else is having sex apart from you, that isn't true and there are actually a lot of young women who are also feeling shy and awkward and afraid because they've never had a boyfriend, or had sex (and of course there are plenty of other young men who feel the same as you do). In fact, I know there have been quite a few posts along these lines on this forum already.

I totally agree that sex is shoved in all our faces and that it's usually images of young, hot-looking people having sex that we are bombarded with. And granted, it might be easier for a hot looking guy to get girls into bed initially, and vice versa. But I promise you that just because you don't think you fit the criteria of a hot looking guy, this does NOT mean that you won't ever have sex. It really is a total fallacy to believe that only beautiful people have sex. All kinds of people have sex!! As you say, even people with mental illness have sex!! :p (I'm saying that a bit tongue in cheek because, obviously, people with mental illness have sex! But you sounded surprised when you wrote that in your post).

Reading your post it seems that your biggest obstacle, rather than your looks, is your lack of confidence. And perhaps your unrealistic perception of things? Also, obviously I'm not a shrink, but, from what you've said, I honestly don't think your self-hatred would be fixed if you suddenly started having lots of sex. It sounds as though there could be deeper issues at play. Perhaps it could be helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist? Just say everything you've said here? If there are other underlying problems, then working with a therapist can be a good way of seeing things more clearly and making any necessary changes.

Also, you say you've been in bed with 3 women on the verge of having sex, but then you changed your mind, so clearly you are able to approach women and move things in a sexual direction.
How did you meet those women? And can you continue to create situation where you are likely to meet women? For example, going out with friends? Are you currently at uni? Or what is your situation? I'm not sure why you say your friends have never had to ask women out? Do you mean that women asked them out? I would think that you probably would have to ask a girl out. But I don't think that has to be a sleezy thing and it doesn't have to happen at a club.

At any rate, hopefully some young guys here will have some useful feedback for you! Really I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone with your insecurities, and you are most definitely not a freak!! Also, as someone older, I can assure you that there is still so much time to have sex! And I'm certain you will not miss out!

Wishing you the best!

[jessed03]

If your on this forum, I highly doubt that.

Lol -- you're saying my mum lies to me? Damn mum, why! :(

Bro what do you want anyone to say? You drew the short straw in life. I'd be lying if I said it could all be easily fixed, it can't. Some people get to be rockstars in life, some have to stay back and sweep up after. Take that up with God.

1. South East Asia
2. South America
3. South Africa
4. University…..
5. Malia

If you can't get it done in these places your head isn't there. I dunno how much that can change either.

You sound like the kinda guy who would fall into a bucket of lollypops but come up sucking his own thumb.

Go get your testosterone checked, raise your self esteem and see what happens. A few get to evolve, but not many. Take a shot anyway though.

[snowberry]

Hi mate,

Think back to those moments where you almost had sex - what was the overwhelming feeling at the time? Fear? Self-loathing? Bit of both?

From what I can gather I think the only thing really holding you back is confidence. When you're out in the street, maybe pick out faces of those who you don't think are particularly attractive - do you think none of these people have had sex? Of course they have - most of them, at least. This is not an exercise in self-loathing! This is just so you can get used to the idea that, as tailspin said, it's not only the beautiful people who get laid. What makes you any worse than the next guy?

To be honest though, I think the most important thing you can do now is to tend to other areas in your life. Although your anxiety may stem from sexual issues, I don't think suddenly having sex will necessarily help you in the long term. Your confidence is what needs to be worked on. Try and find something to make your life fulfilling - a new hobby, or a job, something to keep your mind busy during the day and to give you a sense of purpose. Get into a position where you'll be meeting lots of people, but don't worry about having any expectations to hook up. Whatever happens, happens, and if it doesn't, then don't worry about it. There are more people who are virgins at your age (and much older!!) than you think. Sex isn't the be-all-and-end-all, so don't treat it like it is!

[JLBnole68]

Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem first and foremost. The relationship part will come with time if you get that figured out. If you're trying to find casual sex, well, good luck with that. You're on your own. Frankly, I'm thinking your buddy might have more to worry about than you do if he's been poking total strangers in South America. He could end up with something a dose of self-esteem won't fix.

[Riken]

Hi mate,

Think back to those moments where you almost had sex - what was the overwhelming feeling at the time? Fear? Self-loathing? Bit of both?

From what I can gather I think the only thing really holding you back is confidence. When you're out in the street, maybe pick out faces of those who you don't think are particularly attractive - do you think none of these people have had sex? Of course they have - most of them, at least. This is not an exercise in self-loathing! This is just so you can get used to the idea that, as tailspin said, it's not only the beautiful people who get laid. What makes you any worse than the next guy?

To be honest though, I think the most important thing you can do now is to tend to other areas in your life. Although your anxiety may stem from sexual issues, I don't think suddenly having sex will necessarily help you in the long term. Your confidence is what needs to be worked on. Try and find something to make your life fulfilling - a new hobby, or a job, something to keep your mind busy during the day and to give you a sense of purpose. Get into a position where you'll be meeting lots of people, but don't worry about having any expectations to hook up. Whatever happens, happens, and if it doesn't, then don't worry about it. There are more people who are virgins at your age (and much older!!) than you think. Sex isn't the be-all-and-end-all, so don't treat it like it is!

Self-loathing. The girl was attractive and i just felt like i didnt deserve her.... next day she didn't return my texts and i never spoke to her again. This didnt worry me because i was in a really confident mood back then for some reason (probably cos id just been travelling). It was the first night of freshers week and i picked her up within an hour or so, so that ego boost was enough for me to feel satisfied even though i didnt have sex with her... pretty sad really.

[Ritch]

Lol -- you're saying my mum lies to me? Damn mum, why! :(

Bro what do you want anyone to say? You drew the short straw in life. I'd be lying if I said it could all be easily fixed, it can't. Some people get to be rockstars in life, some have to stay back and sweep up after. Take that up with God.

1. South East Asia
2. South America
3. South Africa
4. University…..
5. Malia

If you can't get it done in these places your head isn't there. I dunno how much that can change either.

You sound like the kinda guy who would fall into a bucket of lollypops but come up sucking his own thumb.

Go get your testosterone checked, raise your self esteem and see what happens. A few get to evolve, but not many. Take a shot anyway though.

"Bro what do you want anyone to say? You drew the short straw in life. I'd be lying if I said it could all be easily fixed, it can't. Some people get to be rockstars in life, some have to stay back and sweep up after. Take that up with God"

Care to explain^^^

[jessed03]

"Bro what do you want anyone to say? You drew the short straw in life. I'd be lying if I said it could all be easily fixed, it can't. Some people get to be rockstars in life, some have to stay back and sweep up after. Take that up with God"

Care to explain^^^

Sure.

Idealism seems to rule now, often in place of reality. The sad fact of life is for every sports star out there, there needs to be hundreds who aren't as talented to sit and watch. For every George Clooney there has to be hundreds of losers to make him look good.

I'm not saying OP is a 'loser' by any means, he's clearly very intelligent. I'm just saying maybe -- maybe -- his life, his genetics and his upbringing prevent him from playing the role he wants to play. And that's frustrating.


How did you get a girlfriend if you did? It’s like I missed out on being taught the way to interact with women

I don't believe you can learn this stuff. You can improve, you can always improve, but this stuff has to happen in infancy. The positive feedback, the social validation, the making of mistakes and correcting them, the development of social intuition, the formulation of correct social communication patterns etc -- they all happen at such a young age. You just can't learn this stuff in your 20's, your mind is too closed by that point. The OP is aware of this himself as he commented on it.

Add into the mix poor facial structuring, and a very observant young man who is very aware of this, and you have a situation that looks incredibly difficult to overcome.

You surely have a young man who has to take leftovers. A young man who can't compete with better looking, more well adjusted guys. And why is this? Simply because of life/God's genetic lottery.

His self esteem is the only improvement he can make that will improve things a little, and he's way too smart to be fed the BS lies like 'be yourself' and 'girls like you despite your problems'... I could tell him he will be fine and happy, but again, he's too smart to believe that.

Self esteem comes through delusion or acceptance. I don't think this guys open to delusion, therefore I went acceptance route. If he realizes it wasn't his fault AT ALL, that he just got dealt a bad hand sex wise (pardon the pun), and completely gives up reaching to things outside his grasp, I think he'll be calmer, and may settle on something he kinda likes.

"The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off"

[RunnerChick]

I am a girl and I used to have this same feeling. Guess what... I had sex and I still feel the same way! Having sex won't help anything to be honest. I may as well be a virgin right now and I'd feel better about myself than after slutting around and trying to lift my self-esteem by banging a bunch of dudes.

I'm in no way hot...I'll save the extensive self-loathing for another time, but simply put, I'm plain at best and any type of attractiveness I feel toward myself comes from my obsession with fancy clothes and makeup/hair stuff/jewelry/shoes etc. I know this is because of my insecurity with my appearance. I've never had a real relationship. Every time I like a guy, I decide for myself that he's not going to like me because I'm fat/ugly/hair is too short/any other ridiculous reason in this world. It's not just guys that feel this way. I bet 99% of those girls you see and think are unattainable actually woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, and disliked what they saw. Just the same as you feel that you're not attractive or appealing to women.

We all doubt ourselves. It sucks. I don't know that I have an answer for how to fix it. Maybe wait and hope to meet that one person who gets you and likes you just how you are. For me, even the one time that this happened, I bolted immediately because I'm afraid to let anyone in. So not sure if there's even any remedy for this. All the guys I like end up being just friends and that's fine to a point, but sometimes you need someone to hold, kiss, bang the sh*t out of, and so on. Kinda sucks to not have that at times. At other times, I look at my friends' relationships and thank the heavens I'm not in a relationship...I'm a basket case as is and I'm pretty sure being in a relationship and having to deal with someone else's crap would drive me off a cliff. There's an upside to everything! You'll have sex eventually and when you do and it's over, you will probably be disappointed...sure, the release will feel great but when all is said and done, you'll be back to square one. Wondering about when/if/with who the next time will be and so on.

[RunnerChick]

I also forgot to add that you shouldn't let someone else dictate when you should or should not have sex. I have HOT GORGEOUS friends (truly hot, I'm not just saying that cause they're my friends) who are still virgins at the age of 23, 24, etc. It happens to anyone and everyone. I didn't get started until uni. While girls in my year in high school were fornicating with entire basketball teams, I was a goofy jock-nerd too busy studying for college level classes and playing sports. There comes a time for everything.

[snowberry]

Self-loathing. The girl was attractive and i just felt like i didnt deserve her.... next day she didn't return my texts and i never spoke to her again. This didnt worry me because i was in a really confident mood back then for some reason (probably cos id just been travelling). It was the first night of freshers week and i picked her up within an hour or so, so that ego boost was enough for me to feel satisfied even though i didnt have sex with her... pretty sad really.

Well, if she went back with you in the first place you must be doing something right.

The thing is, I don't know what you look like or even your personality as I can't judge you on your character based on a few posts, but maybe you've been aiming too high? I think you'd feel better with a girl who is maybe not overly attractive, someone who you can relax with and not feel you have to perform for constantly. Maybe next time you get into a sexual situation with a girl (and trust me, you will!) start off with things like oral or hand-related stuff. There are few girls in the world who would turn down foreplay, and it gives you a chance to get into stride before going for actual penetration. Maybe even whisper sexily that you love it when the girl takes the lead? This way she can show you what she likes and you just follow her directions? :)

[Shackle5]

I know this thread is from last year, but I thought I would add my thoughts and own experience. In terms of the virginity issue, I think it is a problem but the bigger problem is lack of/no relationship experience.

I personally have never had one single relationship. Not one. I am also a virgin. Yes, I am a fully-fledged VIRGIN. I can tell you the zero relationship experience frustrates me a lot more than my virgin status.

I am 26 years old, male, good-looking, reasonably tall, intelligent but have struggled immensely in the dating game. I realise many people would consider my virginity and zero experience pathetic, embarrassing, shameful and laughable. At times I feel like this. However, the strange thing is I also am at times confident in myself and am not bothered about my "never had a girlfriend" status.

I actually have a very high sex drive and I am not gay (have thought deeply about this). I am really, really desperate to have regular sex with a woman. I admit to masturbating fairly often (pathetic I know). I am desperate to be able to be;

Fully naked in front of a fully naked woman.
Get an erection in front of a woman without feeling severely embarrassed.
Commence actually doing the act of sex with a woman.

Now that I'm a lot older (don't see things changing any time) I'm now in a catch-22 scenario. I have drastically worsened over the years and I now just have to accept either dating a much older woman or dating a woman with her own serious issues.

I fully understand the problems of people on these type of websites. It's very, very difficult.

I also want to mention the cultural aspect. I know it is socially unacceptable to be an older virgin and/or never have had one single relationship. I accept the culture is at odds to my status. An infamous film like "The 40 Year Old Vigin" is for me, an excruciatingly painful watch. As I have gotten older I've felt that I could laugh at some of the jokes, but when I first saw it I felt really ashamed.

The irony is that it is extremely likely I will be at least a 40 year-old who has never had a relationship (I may have lost my virginity by then though).

I think felling confident in yourself when the culture is constantly telling you otherwise is a big challenge.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

[WestCanada05]

I didn't have sex until my late 25th. My advice is don't have sex with a girl on the whim, do it with a girl you are very comfortable with and can spend a lot of time with. Anxiety and sex = not so great erection and performance, it will probably take a couple tries to get going.

[Shackle5]

I didn't have sex until my late 25th. My advice is don't have sex with a girl on the whim, do it with a girl you are very comfortable with and can spend a lot of time with. Anxiety and sex = not so great erection and performance, it will probably take a couple tries to get going.

I have thought long and hard about why being a (male) virgin and/or 'never had a girlfriend' status is very socially unacceptable. There are of course many reasons.

I think someone who is an older virgin, it just seems really silly firstly; to not have done the deed at least once!?

The bigger problem I feel is the 'never had a girlfriend' status which implies all sorts of problems. I think it's a lot harder to get (and keep) a girlfriend than it is to have sex. You can pay for sex or have a one night stand. To get a girlfriend you have to do a lot more. This is why I think NHAG status is more unacceptable.

It seems in our culture, a male who has never had a girlfriend implies a big failing of sorts. Obviously, there are deep social ineptitude involved for whatever reason. It appears to be a mark of shame.

It's also implies that the NHAG male will masturbate solitarily often. It seems pathetic to many.

It's a shame society was not more accepting of male virgins and/or male who have NHAG. We would all be better off if these issues were respected and therefore openly discussed instead of being deeply hidden from view.

[Kixxi]

Hi Riken,

A lot of people with anxiety have problems with control and self-esteem. It looks like both can apply to your situation as well. Do you think that is a possibility?

[Shackle5]

Hi Riken,

A lot of people with anxiety have problems with control and self-esteem. It looks like both can apply to your situation as well. Do you think that is a possibility?

Anxiety is usually a part of the problem. It seems that older males who are virgins and/or have 'never had a girlfriend' are permanently locked out of the dating game.

[Two One]

I'm a 19 year old guy and I can tell you this is a confidence issue more than anything else. Girls appreciate confidence, but remember, be confident not cocky. You have to be comfortable with yourself or girls will never think of you in an intimate way. Just be yourself and relax. I realize this thread is from last year, but if you are still having these issues the best thing you can do is be comfortable about yourself. Don't assume that because you have anxiety a girl won't give you the time of day. I've had two, they both knew I had anxiety but only one experienced what I was like when it flares up. She was very understanding but in the end it was in both of our best interests to break up because of issues with her mother. But the point is don't think that because you have anxiety issues it prevents you from ever dating a girl or having sex with her.

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is just be comfortable with yourself and relax. Keep the conversation casual, make her laugh, talk about things you both enjoy like music and it will all come together. Also, please don't think that having sex will make your anxiety disappear. It did/does absolutely nothing for me and I usually end up feeling guilty for using a girl.

[Silmarwen18]

"The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off"

Agreed ^^


Don't worry OP there's plenty of women out there. Im 21 and happily taken but I know how hard it can be. I also agree with previous posts suggesting you work out why you get scared around girls in bed. I have only been in bed with one man besides my fiancé (*my ex) and I almost ended up pregnant... Therefore when my fiancé and I decided to have sex I was petrified and wouldn't let him near me... trust me you aren't the first person to get "sex nerves". Im sure you don't look that bad mate chin up xx My fiancé and I are both sufferers of stress, anxiety and poor esteem but we pick each other up and make each other feel a million bucks. Perhaps what you need is a girlfriend not a one night stand. And on a final note....

[Silmarwen18]

Whoops pressed enter....

Don't pick up chicks in clubs... they're as sleezy and disgusting as the creepy guys most of the time too. Try a nice pub instead. :)

[Shackle5]

Whoops pressed enter....

Don't pick up chicks in clubs... they're as sleezy and disgusting as the creepy guys most of the time too. Try a nice pub instead. :)

Yeah, pubs can be decent places to meet a potential partner. They are tricky to go to on your own though...

[JLK]

OP, you're putting all of your self-worth in one thing. What if I said, your only value as a human being is how well you can surf? Well, I've never been surfing, so I have no worth. I'm nothing? Does that make sense? No. You've obviously been to college and traveled extensively, you must have some talents and intelligence, no?

Yes, you could 'solve' the problem by going out and having random, casual sex, but it won't solve the deeper problem. Look within yourself for your self worth. Forget about the physical for a moment and focus on making connections with people. Also, don't ever listen to society and what 'everyone' else is doing.

[Shackle5]

OP, you're putting all of your self-worth in one thing. What if I said, your only value as a human being is how well you can surf? Well, I've never been surfing, so I have no worth. I'm nothing? Does that make sense? No. You've obviously been to college and traveled extensively, you must have some talents and intelligence, no?

Yes, you could 'solve' the problem by going out and having random, casual sex, but it won't solve the deeper problem. Look within yourself for your self worth. Forget about the physical for a moment and focus on making connections with people. Also, don't ever listen to society and what 'everyone' else is doing.

I think general lack of (zero) experience with a woman is far more deleterious for a male than being a male virgin. Yes, bring a virgin can cause big problems but I believe virginity is simply an extension of the far deeper problems of "never had a girlfriend."

What do you think?

[JLK]

Shackle5, you quoted my post there, are you specifically asking me?

Either way, my answer would be no. Any issue is only detrimental to your self-worth if you allow it to be. Again, look within yourself for your value and not on what you may think society expects of you. Focus on making connections with people and forget about everything else.

(When I say connections, I simply mean find a common ground, seek to understand others perspectives, etc.)

Just my two cents.

[Shackle5]

Shackle5, you quoted my post there, are you specifically asking me?

Either way, my answer would be no. Any issue is only detrimental to your self-worth if you allow it to be. Again, look within yourself for your value and not on what you may think society expects of you. Focus on making connections with people and forget about everything else.

(When I say connections, I simply mean find a common ground, seek to understand others perspectives, etc.)

Just my two cents.

I quoted you, but I meant to direct the question to everyone on the forum. Your right self-worth should come from within but it is so difficult when we are all so influenced by the culture around us. I imagine many people on this forum who struggle with dating, will get their self-worth from other avenues. It is really tricky though when you don't have something that many people do have (a partner). It's hard not to feel bitter and self-defeatist about yourself.

I know I have really struggled to feel good about things when I have had zero dating experience.

Male virginity and/or 'never had a girlfriend' status is definitely a "taboo" subject in our culture.

Just on a side note. Upbringing obviously plays a big part. In my family household sex and relationships were literally never spoken about. My father always did his own thing around the house and my mother was extremely prudish and repressed. That definitely affected me. Whenever a sex scene or a nude women was on the tv, my mother and I (especially me) would go silent and turn bright red. The message was sent that sex was an embarrassing and taboo subject.

[nf1234]

Don't know if your still around but I'd like to give you my two cents.

1) Don't put sex and girls on such a throne. They are both great don't get me wrong, but they aren't ultimate. Just don't rush it. You will meet someone who is right for you and if you guys are comfortable together it will happen. Who cares what age you are when you lose your virginity. What is really going to change once your not a virgin anymore? Yeah sex is fun but who gives a shit if people think your a virgin. It's not going to turn your life around I can promise you that. You've got to work on being happy with yourself and happy with your life how it is now. Sex will make it better in someways but if your not happy now, your not gonna be happy no matter how many hot chicks your banging.

2) It sounds like your main issue is confidence. I'm not sure how to tell you to change that but you can try pretending to be confident even if you don't feel confident. It honestly is not that much about your looks. I've seem some goofy lookin dudes with some super hot chicks. I don't care what you look like you will find a girl. Even if you are ugly, shy, nerdy, ect. you will eventually find a girl that likes you for you. No matter what you look like if you act confident, you will get girls. Girls love confidence.

3) All of these girls who you think don't think your good enough, don't think they're good enough. I had a ton of friends that are girls and 99% of them are insecure and self conscious. It seems like the hotter they are the less they think so. I have a friend who is literally a Playboy model and she is horribly insecure. They will never show it and try to flaunt their bodies around and act confident but they aren't doing that because they feel good about themselves. They do that for the attention to make them feel good about themselves. If they post a reveling picture on instagram they probably are doing it to see how many likes they can get. The more likes the better they feel about themselves.

You are attractive. I've never seen you and im also a dude so...no homo. But everyone is attractive to someone, and usually many someones. You will find a girl and you will eventually have sex. Stop worrying so much about it and let it happen. If you want to meet a girl than just try being friends first. Get to know her and if you guys click the feelings will start to build and things will move in the right direction.

[Im-Suffering]

Don't know if your still around but I'd like to give you my two cents.

1) Don't put sex and girls on such a throne. They are both great don't get me wrong, but they aren't ultimate. Just don't rush it. You will meet someone who is right for you and if you guys are comfortable together it will happen. Who cares what age you are when you lose your virginity. What is really going to change once your not a virgin anymore? Yeah sex is fun but who gives a shit if people think your a virgin. It's not going to turn your life around I can promise you that. You've got to work on being happy with yourself and happy with your life how it is now. Sex will make it better in someways but if your not happy now, your not gonna be happy no matter how many hot chicks your banging.

2) It sounds like your main issue is confidence. I'm not sure how to tell you to change that but you can try pretending to be confident even if you don't feel confident. It honestly is not that much about your looks. I've seem some goofy lookin dudes with some super hot chicks. I don't care what you look like you will find a girl. Even if you are ugly, shy, nerdy, ect. you will eventually find a girl that likes you for you.

3) All of these girls who you think don't think your good enough, don't think your good enough. I had a ton of friends that are girls and 99% of them are insecure and self conscious. It seems like the hotter they are the less they think so. I have a friend who is literally a Playboy model and she is horribly insecure. They will never show it and try to flaunt their bodies around and act confident but they aren't doing that because they feel good about themselves. They do that for the attention to make them feel good about themselves. If they post a reveling picture on instagram they probably are doing it to see how many likes they can get. The more likes the better they feel about themselves.

You are attractive. I've never seen you and im also a dude so...no homo. But everyone is attractive to someone, and usually many someones. You will find a girl and you will eventually have sex. Stop worrying so much about it and let it happen. If you want to meet a girl than just try being friends first. Get to know her and if you guys click the feelings will start to build and things will move in the right direction.

Hey, cool post, for your peers, (like a big brother).

[JohnC]

Very well put nf

[Shackle5]

Very well put nf

This.

In terms of my experience, I have never felt comfortable around women. I also have something wrong with my character/personality. Whenever my family or friends would ask about females I weirdly acted like showing my feelings and emotion like that was pathetic. I strangely become aloof and self-superior to their questions. I would always downplay my interest in women. Whenever, my mother would questions like: "What do you think of that attractive actress in that film?" At most I would say "she's alright." For example, I was asked about the actress Emily Blunt. I replied she was decent. Secretly, I will confess I fancy the pants off her. She is pretty sexy. I could never admit this to my mother. She probably knows I fancy her anyway. I have never ONCE said to anyone in my family that I fancied a celeb or actress. Not once. Honestly, I find it almost impossible. Strange eh?

[snowberry]

This.

In terms of my experience, I have never felt comfortable around women. I also have something wrong with my character/personality. Whenever my family or friends would ask about females I weirdly acted like showing my feelings and emotion like that was pathetic. I strangely become aloof and self-superior to their questions. I would always downplay my interest in women. Whenever, my mother would questions like: "What do you think of that attractive actress in that film?" At most I would say "she's alright." For example, I was asked about the actress Emily Blunt. I replied she was decent. Secretly, I will confess I fancy the pants off her. She is pretty sexy. I could never admit this to my mother. She probably knows I fancy her anyway. I have never ONCE said to anyone in my family that I fancied a celeb or actress. Not once. Honestly, I find it almost impossible. Strange eh?

I was nodding as I read this. I am exactly the same. I simply can't talk about finding anyone attractive in front of my mother, father, brother...it would be, as you say, 'impossible'. I have never once said to my mother 'oh yeah, so-and-so is really cute'. I wouldn't be able to do it. I also hate showing my true feelings in front of them. It feels like exposing weakness.

The idea of introducing a future partner to my parents also feels nauseating - I almost feel like I would rather keep any relationships a secret! I really don't know why I'm like this - my brother is the same - whether it's our personalities or our upbringing, lord knows. I can't help but feel that that is part of the reason I've so little relationship experience - I've made no real effort to find anyone because it would make things 'complicated' as I live with my folks right now and they would find out. How weird is that??! I'm in my twenties!! It's expected! I wish someone could explain this way of thinking to me. My parents aren't prudish or anything...mum desperately wants me to get a partner.

It's bizarre, eh? But I just wanted you to know, shackle5, that you're not the only one who feels like that.

[Shackle5]

I was nodding as I read this. I am exactly the same. I simply can't talk about finding anyone attractive in front of my mother, father, brother...it would be, as you say, 'impossible'. I have never once said to my mother 'oh yeah, so-and-so is really cute'. I wouldn't be able to do it. I also hate showing my true feelings in front of them. It feels like exposing weakness.

The idea of introducing a future partner to my parents also feels nauseating - I almost feel like I would rather keep any relationships a secret! I really don't know why I'm like this - my brother is the same - whether it's our personalities or our upbringing, lord knows. I can't help but feel that that is part of the reason I've so little relationship experience - I've made no real effort to find anyone because it would make things 'complicated' as I live with my folks right now and they would find out. How weird is that??! I'm in my twenties!! It's expected! I wish someone could explain this way of thinking to me. My parents aren't prudish or anything...mum desperately wants me to get a partner.

It's bizarre, eh? But I just wanted you to know, shackle5, that you're not the only one who feels like that.

Snowberry, you sound very like me.

I'll expand on my thoughts. I don't know if its because I'm very sensitive or my parental upbringing but I just can't admit (even if my life depended on it) that I fancy ANY woman! There is definitely something wrong with me. I ended up quickly getting a reputation where people either thought I was a closet gay or just a repressed weirdo. Because of this reputation, boys would tease me about not fancying girls. Privately, I fancied girls but you would have never thought I did (actions speak louder than words they say).

This problem has been a major issue for me. I have never dated and have yet to confirm I am a heterosexual male. Whenever I have vaguely hinted to my mother or sister that 'that girl is hot' I have gone bright, bright red and immediately tried to change the subject.

I remember one time, I must have been about 20, where there was a woman on a tv show that my mother asked about. I somehow said: 'Yeah!' My mother was amazed, she said 'I think this is a breakthrough for you!' Well, nothing's happened since then.

I think you are right to say that you felt 'weak' admitting you fancy the other sex. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and awkward. Why this is, it must be a character trait that is flawed. I find it extremely difficult to be given 'constructive criticism.' I always have to be right, I always have to work things out by myself. My identity seems to be based on this. I have ruthlessly high standards for myself. I have a very low self-esteem; I'm never good enough.

Your nature is a hard thing to change...

[Shackle5]

Why is it that people who are adult virgins and/or who are never had girlfriend/never had boyfriend status never ever spoken about??

I think it's all to do with how in our culture anything can be used against you if it can. The name of the game seems to be do everything you can to lower everyone else's self-esteem whilst increasing yours. Because of this, any serious problem is never openly discussed by anyone. Discussing it openly will induce ridicule, mocking and shaming. Those who are virgins and/or relationship virgins are never covered in the media, in small talk, in anything really.

[Shackle5]

Why is it that people who are adult virgins and/or who are never had girlfriend/never had boyfriend status never ever spoken about??

I think it's all to do with how in our culture anything can be used against you if it can. The name of the game seems to be do everything you can to lower everyone else's self-esteem whilst increasing yours. Because of this, any serious problem is never openly discussed by anyone. Discussing it openly will induce ridicule, mocking and shaming. Those who are virgins and/or relationship virgins are never covered in the media, in small talk, in anything really.

Also, read about the 4 temperaments (sanguine/choleric/phlegmatic/melancholic). Everyone has a main blend of 2 temperaments. I am definitely Melancholic/Choleric; very introverted but extremely stubborn.

I'm going to be brutally honest. The choleric side of me...
I HATE, and I mean HATE losing an argument/individual sports match (like tennis). I can't deal with the lose. I'm a terrible, terrible loser. I get angry very easily with this.

I have an extremely difficult time showing weakness/vulnerability. Admitting you fancy a female to me is extremely weak. Also, discussing females I seem to think is pathetic.

I am immensely stubborn in my views (I have improved though). I always think my way is right. List ing and taking advice on board from others is something I have always struggled with.

I am also very perfectionistic (melancholic) in dealing with other people.

[Shackle5]

(Double post I know)

I have also struggled being a massive sex addict (masturbation). I am recovering now. It's such a hard thing to admit to. I certainly haven't admitted my sexual addiction to my family or any doctors out of fear of what they would think/being judged. I used to masturbate heavily to pictures of nude actresses from movies. I have also struggled with love-shyness.