I dont know what happened

[Sarah_1292]

Hey guys, so im really shocked, feeling off to put it. Ive been great with anxiety and ocd for about 2 weeks, I still feel good about my anxiety but today something completely different happened and I cant bring myself to tell anyone I need to let someone I dont know I dunno it just helps. Im due to start work with in the next 2 weeks but have relied on benefits to get me by this month and I havent been paid and bills are due ive had to borrow money that needs paying back. I was stood waiting for the bus and I just seem to remember everywhere going blurry and I couldnt hear anything I was only concentrating on the oncoming traffic and all I could think in my head was how fast they were going if I ran out would it kill me or hospitalize me, what was the correct time to run out and I was ready to run out just waiting for the right time.

Then I came around and I was crying, I wasnt aware but I had been crying but noone around me seemed to notice either. Then I got on the bus the bus driver was talking to me and I didnt realize I just noticed everyone looking at me and then came round and replied back to him it took a while for me to know what was going on and as I passed this elderly lady she laughed it off saying 'daydreaming' but I know I dont want to die I just wanted to cause pain to myself..but why? I just dunno :/
I used to self harm when I was a teenager but noone knew about it it was my own secret I hid it well, still I feel no anxiety I dont even feel bad about thinking what I thought I just want to know why :/