Any funny stories or jokes

[petrified]

Hi so it's 1am here and sleep looks a long way off. I've a load of thoughts running through my head tonight. I was wondering if any of you knew any jokes or funny stories to help stop my mind running away with its self, and put a smile on my face :-)

[trinidiva]

So, picture it. I am in a carpet store with my husband, son and 3 yr old daughter. It was a family owned business....elderly father and son. On the way out....the elderly man looks at my kids and says goodbye to them. My son said goodbye but my normally chatty daughter is quiet. I kind of give her a nudge and say"Well, what do you say? "......she turns to the man and in a clear voice, she says

" Bye Monster! !!!!!!

I practically ran out of the store I was so embarrassed! !!! Silly story, but hope it at least gets you to smile.

[tailspin]

Hi Hannah!! I don't really know any good jokes, but what I sometimes like to do is look at funny, captioned animal pics online and that usually makes me smile!! I especially like the Lolcats funny cat photos and, in particular, Grumpy Cat!! There's generally a lot of funny stuff to be found if you have a root around here:

http://icanhas.cheezburger.com/

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https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1378728_588498774540282_1580106382_n.jpg

[jayj404]

This one's more religious and not all that funny, but it's all I got x)

There once was an old man who had great faith. He lived in a fllood-plain. One day after a particularily hard rain, a Ranger pulls up in front of the house in a 4x4. The Ranger tells the old man that a great flood is coming, that he needs to evacuate. The old man insists on staying saying, "I have faith! God will save me from the flood!" The Ranger argues, but to no avail, and finally leaves to save more sensible people.

The next day, the floodwaters have covered the old man's yard, and are lapping at his porch. The same Ranger pulls up in a john-boat and begs the old man once more to evacuate. The old man remains firm, saying, "I have faith! God will save me from the flood!" The Ranger argues to no avail, and finally leaves.

The next day, the floodwaters have covered the 1st and 2nd stories, and a helicoptor flies in to hover over the old man perched upon the roof. The Ranger yells to the old man, "Climb up! We need to get you out of here!" Once again, the old man replies, "I have faith! God will save me from the flood!" As they argue, a wave sweeps the old man off the roof and he drowns.

The old man arrives at the gates of Heaven, and is greeted by the Angel Gabriel. The old man says, "I want to speak with God." Gabriel smiles and says that God wants to talk to him, too. The old man is ushered into the presence of God, and says, "Lord, I don't understand! I had faith that you would save me! What happened?"

God looks at him, sighs, and says, "I sent you a 4x4, a boat, and a helicopter, what more did you want???"

[Olive Yew]

1) I have a leopard gecko named Loki and I just got him a new rock hide and he LOVES it. For the past 10 minutes he's been doing nothing but climbing up and down and up and down and up and down and then he'll go and sit inside for a few seconds and then come back out and climb on it some kore. It's adorable and it's cracking me up.

2) My mom works as a therapist in a nursing home. She was out at lunch with one of her patients when this scene unfolds:
You see, in the Alzheimer's unit... You sort of have to child proof EVERYTHING... And lock EVERY door.... Well one of the gentlemen had just gotten a new walker and the staff had put the packaging in the bathroom to get it out of the way until later. Thing is: they forgot to lock the door. So the gentleman wanders into the bathroom where he finds the clear plastic wrapping that covered his walker.... Like any logical alzheimer's patient would do, he proceeds to disrobe, swaddle himself in plastic wrap, and then march himself down to lunch.... Needless to say, you could see EVERYTHING.
My mom's patient (also alzheimer's) looks up from her lunch and her eyes get huge and she exclaims rather loudly,
"I've not seen one of those in years!"

There were laughs all around. The gentleman was escorted back to his room where he was properly clothed, and all was well.

3) Look up youtube videos of a fabulous young man by the name of Olan Rogers and laugh for hours. My personal favorite is Ghosts in the Stalls.
It's clean, no swearing, dorky, awkward humor but he's so fun. And his laugh is addicting. I watch his videos when I have bouts of depression or need a really good distraction.

[petrified]

I fell asleep last night but thanks everyone my day has now started great I've a huge smile on my face and been getting some funny looks off my hubby for genuinely lol at all of your stories and pictures. Thanks a lot you are all great and I really appreciate it :-)