feeling of complete uselessness

[scottjames]

This is my first post on AF or any kind of similar forum if I'm honest, my anxieties have been with me for as far back as I can remember, however five years ago I had a major breakdown which resulted in time off work and 20mg of Citalopram for 12 months, in the end I walked away from a good career as I convinced myself it was the catalyst. Five years on and I'm now 34 and a father to four children (one newborn). after two years of studies I landed my dream job, the training was 300mls from home and the job is 120 mls from home and I'm home weekends, this is where my latest episosed have spiralled from. from the outset I found being away from my family very hard, but I told myself it would get better, it has'nt, its much worse, each week (Sunday night) I find leaving my family increasingly hard, the anxiety rushes through my legs and arms with a rengance, my head becomes light and rational thought is impossible. When on my own in my little rented room I disspear at the lonliness and think abiut my family, my weight has fallen from me and i'm unable to eat. Yesterday i went to see my Doc and insisted that i needed help, for my anxiety and ocd he prescribed 50mg of Sertraline. too late though as yesterday i lost it.
It's a hobble feeling when I cry uncontrollably in my wifes arms and force her to pack up my car and bring out my shades so my kids and neighbours don't witness the spectacle of an upset adult driving away. this morning I was supposed to work but after a sleepless night was exhausted and made some feeble excuse to my manager. The tears continued to flood. I told my wife I could'nt work away from her and my kids anymore and told her I'd work until Christmas and come home.

I feel like a complete failiure and as a sole bread winner for a family of 6 I am truly stuck between a rock and hard place

I'd love the advice and guidance of people who understand where I am at right now.

thanks

Scott

[u4ea]

Wow - I hope things get better my friend; one of the ways my anxiety manifested when it first started earlier this year was separation anxiety. It becomes really hard to leave behind those you love, your "safety blanket."

My situation wasn't as profound as yours - since you want this job to support your loved ones, but I definitely know how debilitating this type of anxiety can be.

I sincerely wish you the best.

[HelpMeDrive]

I am sorry you are going through this. Is the medicine helping at all?

[scottjames]

Wow - I hope things get better my friend; one of the ways my anxiety manifested when it first started earlier this year was separation anxiety. It becomes really hard to leave behind those you love, your "safety blanket."

My situation wasn't as profound as yours - since you want this job to support your loved ones, but I definitely know how debilitating this type of anxiety can be.

I sincerely wish you the best.

Thanks very much, I think I'll need it

[Perses]

Hi Scott,

First, it takes about 2 to 3 weeks to feel the full affects of the sertraline, so don't worry if you still feel upset after several days have gone by. This is to give you encouragement. If you find that sertraline is not helping, then see if you can get a low dose of Xanax to help you sleep.

Second, I like your plan of working just until Christmas time. When I feel trapped in a situation or feel overwhelmed, I often given myself the freedom to quit, or escape a situation that seems really onerous. What I find, more often than not, is that when the deadline arrives I feel much better. So, hopefully, you'll end up staying at your job past Christmas, but, if not, then you shouldn't feel useless, because you did try for 3 months.

Third, I always hate moving into a new place. It's depressing being all by oneself, if you are not used to it. So, you should be so hard on yourself if you feel miserable, it's ok to have these feelings. You are not a coward, or a cry-baby, nor should you feel inadequate. What you are doing takes a lot of courage. People move to new cities for jobs all the time, and naturally being in a new place far from your support network can make one feel rotten. Some wonderful things about living today is that we can easily talk to our loved ones over the phone, or now through Skype. You could also write letters to your wife and children. I loved getting good old-fashioned letters from my family when I lived abroad.

Fourth, If you are up to it, you could work to make new friends among your new work colleagues or introduce yourself to your new neighbors.

Fifth, If things work out well at this job, might it be possible for your wife and kids to move?

My heart goes out to you. Your post here is articulate; you mean well; you want to do good by your wife and children. You're a conscientious person. Those are all excellent admirable traits. In no way should you regard yourself as completely useless or a failure. Thing of how far you've managed to come. Try to take it a day at a time. Cry as often as you need to. You aren't alone in this.

[tailspin]

Hi Scott,

I totally agree with what everyone says here and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Perses makes some really excellent points. I would absolutely give medication a try. Even though the start-up can be a bit rough with side effects, these are usually only temporary and once they die down, the meds can really make a positive difference. I would definitely ask your doctor for something to help you sleep as a sleeping aid should kick in straight away. Just getting your sleep back on track should help you feel more stable.

Good luck to you and keep posting here. There is always someone around to offer encouragement and support. You are not useless, Scott!! Far from it!! And things will get better!!

[scottjames]

Hi Scott,

First, it takes about 2 to 3 weeks to feel the full affects of the sertraline, so don't worry if you still feel upset after several days have gone by. This is to give you encouragement. If you find that sertraline is not helping, then see if you can get a low dose of Xanax to help you sleep.

Second, I like your plan of working just until Christmas time. When I feel trapped in a situation or feel overwhelmed, I often given myself the freedom to quit, or escape a situation that seems really onerous. What I find, more often than not, is that when the deadline arrives I feel much better. So, hopefully, you'll end up staying at your job past Christmas, but, if not, then you shouldn't feel useless, because you did try for 3 months.

Third, I always hate moving into a new place. It's depressing being all by oneself, if you are not used to it. So, you should be so hard on yourself if you feel miserable, it's ok to have these feelings. You are not a coward, or a cry-baby, nor should you feel inadequate. What you are doing takes a lot of courage. People move to new cities for jobs all the time, and naturally being in a new place far from your support network can make one feel rotten. Some wonderful things about living today is that we can easily talk to our loved ones over the phone, or now through Skype. You could also write letters to your wife and children. I loved getting good old-fashioned letters from my family when I lived abroad.

Fourth, If you are up to it, you could work to make new friends among your new work colleagues or introduce yourself to your new neighbors.

Fifth, If things work out well at this job, might it be possible for your wife and kids to move?

My heart goes out to you. Your post here is articulate; you mean well; you want to do good by your wife and children. You're a conscientious person. Those are all excellent admirable traits. In no way should you regard yourself as completely useless or a failure. Thing of how far you've managed to come. Try to take it a day at a time. Cry as often as you need to. You aren't alone in this.

Thanks for the replies guys, my wife is an amazing woman but as she does'nt suffer I really felt that some support from people like yourselves would be invaluable. This is my 2nd day on meds and I have inbelieveable headaches and nausia, but i know it'll pass, I knwo it's working from home that's doing this and I need to make a plan for me to move in the new year. It's very frustrating as I actually love my job and my employer is amazing.

[scottjames]

Thanks all, the funny thing about anxiety is sometimes all it takes is some positive encouragement, been end bought some pain killers for the crippling headaches so i can get into work tomorrow.

[tailspin]

Thanks all, the funny thing about anxiety is sometimes all it takes is some positive encouragement, been end bought some pain killers for the crippling headaches so i can get into work tomorrow.

Great to hear you are hanging in there! I'm sure the pain pills will help. Good luck tomorrow!

[HealthAnxNut]

I had a very high level position at a hospital in Boston, and it was a great job for the money, but it about killed me. That was when I had my first full-blown anxiety attack, was one day after work. I thought I loved being there, and I loved my job, and loved the people. Ultimately, I focused myself on finding a different position elsewhere. It took a while, because I couldn't sacrifice the money, but I did find something. I know this is your dream job, but finding something closer, or moving the family so you don't have to be away from them... maybe that would give you a solution to focus on? I know my anxiety lessened considerably when I started that new job search. I sure hope this gets better for you!!