New member - Needing help!

[Sarah_1292]

I did post this is in the welcome forum but thought I might of posted in the wrong section, so I'm sorry if you see this alot!


Hey everyone, I just felt I needed to get this off my chest, finally, My AAD, PAD has been going on for so long I can sometimes control it but then times like this I feel it getting too much, reading other people's storys help me massively so I want to share with you guys my story and I really want to hear back similaritys and your storys! I have shortened it the best I can sorry for the excessiveness!) I've never shared this with anyone other than my partner but I feel I need answers and I'm scared to seek professional help. Please read it all its all relevant again sorry for how much there is!

My names Sarah, I'm recently 21, I started experiencing Panic Attacks at 16 but at the time I didn't know they were panic attacks and I thought I was actually dying, I couldn't leave the house as something would trigger me to freeze up, I was kicked out of college for not attending. The first panic attack I had was ongoing for a month it seemed, I wasn't sleeping as I thought something was coming for me and I wasn't eating well and afterwards was most likely sick as I thought it was stuck in my throat, I managed to control my panic after a second doctor told me it was a panic disorder and reading about it helped control the attacks (My first doctor tried to section me )


My anxiety seemed to fade away for about a year, but It came back and since has gradually just gotten worse to this point - I feel a loss of interest in daily things, I generally have a blank mind and find it extremely hard to concentrate or process a thought or decision, loss of interest in personal appearance, loss of motivation, crying spells, With drawl from life and from people, constantly feel although I'm being left behind and the worlds moving around me but I find it difficult to concentrate on a thought to help me overcome this my mind its just numb/blank.

I have obsessive intrusive thoughts which I find extremely hard to shake and also hard to comprehend and I spend weeks wondering why I thought of such things but also I spend weeks over thinking it which then puts me in a panic (Often aggressive towards myself or my partner, I sometimes whilst stood at a crossing feel as-though I could step out onto the road or when I see a bus come real close to me I get an urge but I don't want these feelings! I don't want to hurt anyone or myself!) there were 2 pairs of really big sharp scissors in our bedroom and I felt uneasy that they were there and had horrible thoughts and I couldn't remove them myself because I didn't want to touch them or admit I had to move them but my partner moved them downstairs and I feel instantly better about the whole thing. I tell my partner whenever I get these feelings and he luckily had an understanding kind heart and isn't scared of me! I feel as though I'm always in pain, I have an ongoing stomach pain which agonizes me when present and I think this is stress related as it happen's roughly every 6 months and trip's to the hospital haven't helped, bloods are always normal. I sometimes find it difficult to feel love for anyone even my partner who I know I love absolutely dearly I couldn't have anyone else and wouldn't want anyone else, he understands and supports me through these times and he never question's it! But why is my head persistent in trying to break me apart, new types of anxiety spring up which add's to the already ongoing anxiety, I sometimes find it hard to recognized myself and I want to overcome this but I don't know how, I don't know how to think! My partner ask's me all the time "if you could do anything right now what would you want to do?" and I honestly, genuinely can't answer because I can't actually think of anything I want to do I feel constantly disorientated!!

I find it hard to maintain friendships, at the age of 18 my father suddenly passed and I was in college at the time, and the friends I had made I gained some sort of disliking to them and once I finished college I moved away to live with my partner and I haven't spoken to them since, I used to be a really really outgoing bubbly person who socialized all the time but I only do this now when I drink which I don't really drink anymore as I get upset and its just a bad night for me, anyways.

I just don't understand, I still have spells where I'm really happy and optimistic and creative but there's more bad days than good, I'm not miserable per say but this anxiety is dragging me to the lowest point right now. the whole feeling disconnected and withdrawn from my partner and family came about after I attended a court case, I won the case which had been ongoing for a year in which I was a witness and the same day after court, I sat with my family and partner, and I looked down, had a cold and then instantly after hot flush, and I instantly looked up and felt no love or connection with anyone and my surroundings appeared farther away from me and abit disorientated. But my anxiety and intrusive thoughts make me believe there's something more to it and I need to break away but I also know this is anxiety.

I'm hoping the start of work will really help improve my outlooks on life as I have unemployed for over a year from no fault of my own, I apply every week to lots of jobs and I never hear back. I'm not asking anyone to understand it all or anything, It would just be nice to be able to hear other people's storys on intrusive thoughts, blank minds, anxiety ect. Thank you so much for reading!

[sweetdaytx]

I'm 26 and have always been a 'worry wort' my whole life. But it wasn't until some big life changes (getting married , moving a town away from family, not working) did I begin to experience constant anxiety. A bad fight with my new hubby ended in my first real panic attack - which led to what I now know were intrusive thoughts. I lost myself - had little interest in things I always loved, I felt like I was 'really a crazy person who should be locked up', I had to withdraw from my classes because I couldn't bring myself to eat/sleep let alone perform well in school.

It was HELL. I finally went to my GP and was diagnosed with GAD- anxiety that is characterized by general constant worry, gloom and often obsessive intrusive thoughts. Being able to know that I was not alone or crazy helped me greatly! I was prescribed a very low dose of Xanax to help me sleep, and an SSRI. I can honestly say that with in a week I was beginning to feel a bit better and within a few months I was practically my old self.

Just know you're not alone hun! Try to talk to a doctor or even counselor. Sometimes having someone to talk to can help a bunch too!

:)

[Perses]

I second sweetdaytx's comments. I suffer from anxiety and many of your symptoms are all too familiar to me. I get queasy, have trouble eating, my stomach feels like it's full of acid. While I don't feel any urges to do harm to myself, I do feel isolated and alone. My brain crowds me with anxious thoughts, and it does become impossible to concentrate or focus on anything outside of my own pain. It's like I've been hijacked, but then I'm not even sure who "I" am.

For me, medication has proven really helpful. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist and to ask your doctor what he or she recommends for your situation.

One thing that you might do is volunteer some where. Is that possible? Volunteering at a church or a library or soup kitchen or helping out a charitable organization in the office, stuffing envelopes, would be a way for you to feel needed and to help you direct your thoughts outward. You could just work a couple of hours a week.

Hang in there!

[Sarah_1292]

Firstly, thank you both for your reply's! yes I was put on bendramol (or something) just after my dad died because the doctor believed I "needed a break" but before then he would just telll me that it was part of growing up (I'm pretty sure normal 16-21 year olds don't have these thoughts all day and night and there life is on hold) but anyways!

I for some reason started ossociating medication with a bad brush incase I became dependant or what not. I haven't seeked therapy or psychology because I'm afraid it might make me worse and actually have me sectioned or go insane! I think the thought of more stress becoming out but would tip me. I'm not sure if my minds numb or if there's just that much whizzing around thoughts, wonders, worry, intrusive thoughts, that I can't actually get ahold of any thought because there's too much I just don't know!!


I didn't mention the reason my partner removed the scissors is because I asked him, and then explained to him in tears "I feared I would become mad and turn into one of those psycho's that would kill her love ones and then herself" (I couldn't hurt anyone)

I find it harder to cry about things in general but when I do it makes me feel better for a good few hours, like last night when I told my partner about the scissor thing and that my anxiety has crept up to high levels again, I had a good cry and for the rest of the night, and up until about 2/3 hours ago I felt on top of the world. but no. anxiety appears. again.

[sweetdaytx]

My family has always made fun of my worrying tendencies. Since I was very young I would obsess over the well being of my family members. At night I wouldn't sleep because I was constantly worried about 'what if something happened to someone I love' and health anxiety. I've convinced myself of a brain tumor, cancer, you name it!

BUT the absolute WORST symptoms I've had, aside from the whole 'cant catch a deep breath thing' were the intrusive thoughts. It started after having seen a recent movie about some lady losing it (I don't watch anything dark anymore- completely just stopped allowing those kind of dark twisted things into my life) but after a bad fight with my husband I got scared that I could just lose it and hurt someone like in the movie. OMG! It ruined my life. I didn't eat or sleep for two weeks and didn't want to see a dr because I figured id be locked up and my new life with my husband would be over.... It just completely terrified every ounce of me. But after days of guilt and being terrified of being alone or with my family members, I just said screw it and saw my GP. I was SHOCKED when he told me those thoughts are extremely common and that the people that have them are 100% if the time peoples who's personalities completely conflict with the thoughts ( that's why we are so disturbed and terrified of them and can't shake them)!

The SSRI really helped me and I'm at a point now where I don't take anything. I've learned to just ignore scary thoughts and I do my best to watch FUNNY things on tv only.also, try to see if your vitamin d deficient because I've learned that I typically only deal with the gloom and anxiety attacks during fall and winter because I need the sun and vitamin d3...and during the spring and summer I typically only suffer from general worry. No intrusive thoughts or depression etc! I don't watch anything dark or depressing. Also - try to stay busy! It helps a lot :)

[Sarah_1292]

omg you mentioned the can't catch a deep breath thing!? I have that but forgot to mention it and for a while I'l slow my breathing down so I eventually yawn! but it happen's anywhere, I could be out walking ect or just sat still.

Its not nice of your family to make fun, must make you feel so alone, luckily for me my mother had panic attacks and anxiety growing up ect and 2 of my older sisters has been battling panic attacks/anxiety attacks for a good 6 years or so but she's managed to banish them! unfortunately another one of my older sisters had just been introduced to panic attacks and because I've experienced it all and were really close I can give her the best advice but were all here for each other (most the time) and yeah I remember when I was younger I made a list of things I thought was wrong with me, passed the letter to my mum and ran to school (I must of been 10/11) I even thought my uvula was unnatural haha. but like you I would lay awake at an even younger age of 10 and worry and not sleep "what if my parents died and I was left all alone" Death always worried me really but after my dad passed I've learnt to come to cope with it in some way, I don't fear it so much like I used to.

Yeah someone sent me an inbox about having a vitamin D3 test done but I couldn't message him back due to only having a few posts, but I read his post about it, its definitely worth getting checked out hey! And yes...*sigh* Being completely honest I've seen some completely gross things on the internet, deaths, murders, suicide you name it, due to the nature of the internet its easy to watch that sort of thing (not that I want to) but its one of those situations if you see that the video's there you kind of want to watch is then you think, why. afterwards.