anxiety in relationships. Advice?

[joolz5108]

Hi all,
I'm writing because last night I had an anxious 'episode' (not an actual panic attach), or rather more an instance where my anxiety put a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. I can't see a counselor til tuesday so I'm looking for advice from anyone who has had their anxiety cause put a strain on the significant other and what I can do alleviate the pressure on him.

There have been several times lately where I have felt extremely insecure andanot trusting what he was saying. Last night, we were bout to get it on (if you know what I mean) and there were a couple of times when I would go in for a kiss and he would dodge the kiss. I thought it was in my head so I tried again and again and he was in fact dodging them. When I asked him why he wasn't kissing me he dodged the question and gave me a huge kiss on the mouth. I tried to let this go, and get back into the swing of things but all I could do was think about why he wasn't kissing me. It really hurt my feelings. Eventually, I told him I wasn't in the mood anymore and we proceeeded to go around in circles talking about what was wrong.

I tried rationalizing it and blamed it on past boys that had taken advantage of me, but really I believe it because deep down I'm having trouble trusting my current boyfriend. We've known each other for a long time, and I've seen him lie to others about stupid, small things, and while they don't affect me, I'm still paranoid that he might do the same to me. I wish I was one of those confident girls who didn't care, and was able to put these thoughts out of my head, but I'm not.

I know I'm smart, which Is why i'd like to not to continue to have these episodes where I make my boyfriend feel like he is doing something wrong, when really it is my own thought process that is affecting me. I didn't know what to do last night, but I ultimately went home so I could give him space because he said he was upset, frustrated and a little mad he still had to keep proving his trust to me. I just wanted to give him space.

Any advice or similar experiences where you just can't seem to separate your negative thoughts from your relationship?

[Basketcase]

Yes, I have this sometimes. I've found that talking to them about it, makes it worse. It's difficult for other people to understand how terrible our brains treat us because they're naturally in control of theirs.

Usually when this happens I try to ignore it. I don't try to rationalize it in my brain, or problem solve. You think you're problem solving but in reality you're just worrying.

It really helps if you just take some space for yourself away from your partner for a while, and do something to distract yourself until you quit worrying. Don't tell them you're taking space, just do it. Take a day and watch a whole season of Lost. Anything. Anything that you know will make you feel better. Make a list of comforting things you can do when this happens. Eventually you'll learn to deal with this on your own more and more, and feel stronger and stronger and it will start happening less and less.

When it all comes down to it these little things we can't let go of won't even matter in the relationship. It's just our own brains trying to sabotage our happiness and we must not let them win!

[raggamuffin]

You can usually tell with people's body language over time if they're losing interest. It depends how quickly you pick up on it. but not being interested phsycially as well as not wanting to spend as much time with you, lacking conversation, enthusiasm and energy etc can all be factors. When you have anxiety it can be stressful for a person to see as well as worrying and sometimes depressing. people've i've dated have felt utterly helpless in the past when all I did was worry about aches and pains etc. it's not a nice thing to go through.

Thankfully i've fully accepted it's anxiety and the symptoms are lessening. i'm single at the moment and i'd never consider dating anyone until i'm where I want to be. I think too many people think dating other's will help with their depressions, anxieties or general discontent with how satisfied they are in life. In reality it's down to us to find these fulfillments instead of dropping our problems at other people's door steps so to speak. That's why in the past when I was depressed and feeling lost in my life I wound up attracting people of the same mindset. It's why i'm going to remain single until i'm happier with where I am and where i'm going.

The fact he was shying away from kisses isn't anything major in itself. If it was happening constantly then it's probably worth bringing it up. As for lying; everyone lies and nobody is infallible. Having been hurt and cheated on in the past myself, I find it hard to trust people. But you've got to be emotionally mature about things. Just because some people have ill treated you doesn't mean all 3.5 billion of the same sex are cheaters, users or abusers.

I'd say rationalizing the situation is the opposite of worry. Worry is an emotive response whereas rationalizing is logical. if however this is based off of paranoia then it's not helpful in the least. best thing to do is play it by ear and see how things go. If he continues to give bad body language and distancing himself then talk to him about how he feels the relationship is going and where he wants it to go.

Ed

[joolz5108]

Thanks for your advice members! I have learned a lot since I posted the original thread. I started to go back to counseling. My counselor has helped me realize that my boyfriend is not as emotionally available as I would like him to be. I've been learning to speak what's on my mind, without judging myself. Because my boyfriend can be closed off, it is important to me to make sure I communicate how I feel to him so he does not hurt me unintentionally.

Ultimately, if my openness 'scares' him away or makes him uncomfortable, then I know that we simply are just not meant to be.