Partner with anxiety

[Yorkieshark]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum here. I hope no one thinks I'm out of place here, but I don't suffer from anxiety or panic attacks myself; rather my partner does. We've been together for 5 and a half years and I have always known that she is far more prone to stress than I am. I have long since been used to this fact and have been ready to offer all the support I can when she is feeling particularly stressed. However, recently our circumstances have changed for both better and worse and my partner now feels the stress of this more often than before. This has recently escalated to full-blown panic attacks to the point where she has had to go home sick from work on more than one occasion. After her latest attack she has now seen the doctor, been given medication and been put on the list for counselling.
Whilst she says she has been grateful for my support, such that I can offer, one of the problems is that she feels I don't properly understand. And she is right. Not in terms of judging her for not 'sucking it up' and just dealing with it, in fact I'm quite sympathetic with her plight. I do not understand purely from the perspective that I personally don't suffer from them, therefore I cannot know what it feels like to have the symptoms described. I know it is the age-old 'fight or flee' adrenaline rush kicking in, which I am familiar with, but I don't know what it feels like to have it kick in to such the degree as to invoke the feelings, both physical and mental, that she describes. Sometimes she worries I am angry with her for giving up work (she is on a zero-hour contract - not helping with the situation), but the reality is I feel sorry for her - it must feel awful for her to have stress that high that she physically feels unable to do her job - which I do stress to her; that no-one has a right to tell her how she should be reacting when they don't know how she is feeling. But this unfortunately includes me, I have no idea how she feels, I can only go by what she tells me and so when I accidentally put my foot in and she says I don't understand, the fact of the matter is she is absolutely right. And unless I ever experience panic attacks myself, I am unlikely to be able to.

So, apologies for labouring the case a bit, to my point. We are planning our future together, including talking of having a family, and as such I need to recognise that she has this condition that will in all likelihood never fully go away, and that should it ever get as bad as it currently is again, I need to be able to handle it properly. So I was wondering if people had any advice to offer from their perspective or thoughts on the situation. Particularly if there are others on here who, like me, don't suffer from anxiety themselves but have partners who do.

Thanks!

[mandipants84]

My husband is in your situation. He doesn't understand and I can't blame him for that. If you don't have attacks it is impossible to know. It is definitely not something that we can just make go away or I know I would. In my experience the worst thing is when my husband acts like i'm being silly and tells me to ignore it.

[mlj86]

I would say, just ask when shes going through a rough time if there is anything you can do for her.

[mlj86]

Even if its sitting there to listen to her talk, scream, rant whatever it is. Be silent and listen, she will lose steam eventually when she is having an attack

[mylove9080]

My husband is the same way he dont really understand me. He says is all in my head. But the symptoms are their as much as i try to ignore is impossible to ignore what your body is feeling. All i can say is understand her is hard but be their for her. Take her to the beach have things planed once a week that will take the edge a little bit

[Just Jane]

First of all, well done for coming onto a forum, admitting there is a problem and asking for help and advice. Many partners, particularly men wouldn't, don't think there is a problem or just hopes it will go away on it's own.

I can understand that you don't know what your partner is going through, no one else can until they had it themselves really. But my advice would be to educate yourself on the subject, get yourself a book on the subject and educate yourself on the causes, self help and relaxation techniques to help her through it. Help her with exposure to what causes her anxiety to flare up or buy a book on CBT and try out the exercises of these on her. My partner won't do this and would rather just throw money at the problem, without really understanding things by educating himself. I've distanced myself from him as a result. Once you've educated yourself enough you can then spot the warning signs of another relapse, panic attack or stress and act accordingly to ease it before it becomes out of hand again.

Put all your energy into making her feel as good about herself as possible. Give her lots of positive words and compliments. Most anxiety sufferers have no confidence, which might be why she is worrying about her work situation and has a lot of guilt hanging over her. Give her lots of hope, talk about the future and when she is better what you will both do, places to go, activities to do together etc. Give her lots of love and positive thoughts. Hugs really help and tell her that everything is ok when she is really down in the dumps or that everything will be fine one day. Try to do things together as much as possible. Like relaxation techniques and exercise, both of which are really beneficial for sufferers, but would probably do you some good as well in the process. If she can face it, take her on holiday somewhere but try not to go somewhere where she will be stressed out like aboard where flights could be cancelled etc. Maybe somewhere in your country where you can both relax and escape for a few days.

If she's like me she may push you away when things get really bad and want time to herself. This is NOT to do with you personally and is her way of dealing with it, riding out the storm if it were. If she asks for some space give her some, but check up on her every hour or so to make sure she's ok.

Most importantly find yourself someone to support you. Otherwise you could end up completely drained and depressed when you put all of your energy into your partner and don't get much back from her. Find a close trusted relative or friend you can talk to and get things off your chest.