WHAT IF thoughts

[Velrose]

....ok....I really don't know where else to go with this, and I am pretty ashamed and even scared to mention these things here, but I need to get this out.

My anxiety started two months ago, when my husband began a new job where he words third shift, meaning he is gone all night long. At first, my anxiety was just about someone breaking into the house... how would I protect myself and my 4 yr old daughter?

two weeks ago...it all changed.

I had my first MASSIVE panic attack and what I call...my what if thoughts.

What was the thought? That I would spontaneously combust overnight.

This thought had me so scared, I would go into instant panic so much that my husband insisted I go to a psychiatrist...which I did. I was diagnosed with GAD and put on Lexapro and Ativan.

This last saturday I was on my way to bed, when the most horrible what if thought popped into my head. All I kept picturing was me sleepwalking in the middle of the night and hurting my beautiful daughter with a knife. I love my baby girl so much, and just thinking about it now is making me want to cry.

I have no family here, no friends, and so being freaked out, I called my doctors office at midnight. There was a wonderful on call dr who spoke with me on the phone for an hour or more, and made me take an ativan.

She assured me the thoughts were just out of control thoughts, and not impulses, but due to my other extreme side effects, she pulled me off of my Lexapro.

The thing is...

any time I am left alone to stew in my own thoughts, those terrible what if images pop into my mind. I am so scared... I hate them! I hate those thoughts. I would rather be scared to death of a break in like before than these irrational, yet incredibly frightening thoughts.

I love my daughter, and I would never hurt her--but why am I having these thoughts and how can I get rid of them???

[RabidBadger]

Hi Velrose

I have had similar thoughts myself; I live with my parents and I have laid awake at night worrying about what would happen if I lost control and harmed them in some way. In my darkest days I even thought about getting myself locked up just so I couldn't do any harm.

There are two things I would say to you... First of all, don't be ashamed of what you are thinking. This just feeds your negativity and gives the thoughts more significance, making your mind more likely to repeat them.

Secondly, the fact that these thoughts horrify you proves that they are completely against your values and that you would never ever act on them.

I know it's not easy but try to dismiss these thoughts as soon as they happen and be safe in the knowledge that they are just a result of your subconscious mind trying to fed its fear habit.

Best of luck

Chris x

[ptncud]

Hey Velrose, it was weird reading your post b/c i very rarely see posts on this subject. I probably had anxiety my whole life but not until 3 years ago did it materialize into ocd in the form of obsessive bad thoughts. These thoughts were very simular to your knife one and would torment me often the whole day. I got to the point where i made a pact with myself that i would commit suicide before acting out any of these thoughts. Of course it never came to that b/c the truth is we don't want to act out these thoughts. Thats why we fear them so much.
I read a great book on this topic a while back called The Imp of the Mind so please go get it. It only addresses this topic and is great for understanding what your going through. Also im currently sending out a free cbt course that cured me of my anxiety. You can check out the thread if you'd like.
I know this is hard to believe but you are very fortunate that you have caught your anxiety at an early stage. It took me 8 months to figure out what the cause of my bad thoughts was and often takes much longer. Therefore it will be much easier to reprogram your mind and get ride of them.
Take care, John

[Velrose]

Thank both of you for posting to me. I have to admit, when I called my doctor the night I first had those thoughts, I was deathly afraid they were going to call the police and have them come and take my little girl away from me. I suppose maybe this is why no one really posts threads like this...perhaps they are frightened of the stigma, or maybe...it isn't really common. I don't know. I DO know I was afraid to post the thread...afraid of being criticized. I mean--all I kept thinking is that people were going to think I was going to end up one of those poor mothers who are on the news because they harmed/killed their children.

I love my daughter with all of my heart, and I had to constantly ask my husband and my grandmother if they knew that I loved her, and that I would NEVER EVER hurt her on purpose.

Yesterday was pretty rough for me. We went on a day trip to visit my two brother in laws, and halfway through the day the thoughts started popping into my head. I tried hard to push them aside, to think...I am never going to do this, and worrying over it wasting my life, but try as I might, it was no good.

I went through hours of pure hell worrying and then feeling guilty for the thoughts.

Thankfully by the end of the night I was able to fall asleep without worry, but I woke up several times, and I had to check on my little girl to make sure I didn't do something in my sleep.

Since I posted my first post last night, I read up a bit on these thoughts of mine, and OCD continually keeps coming up. My doctor never said anything about this (he's a psychiatrist, not a family doctor) but now I am really beginning to wonder.

I have other signs of this I think. I cannot go to bed at night without checking and rechecking the front door. I have to check on my daughter many times before I can fall asleep. (This was even before my recent bout of panic and horrible fears and thoughts)

There are other things, but I won't bother mentioning them here right now.

It helps to know there are others out there with similar issues. It's why I really appreciate the comments I received. It's so hard NOT to think I am going crazy...looking back on my life, I've had times where I worried excessvly over irrational fears... nuclear war, the end of the world...hell...I wouldn't drive for years (I just started driving these last few months out of necessity) because I was convinced if I drove, I would wreck and kill someone....

My next appointment is in a few weeks... I think I should bring these things up with my Dr.

Again, thank you so much for replying... it has helped ease my mind somewhat.