Durzo_Blint
08-18-2013, 09:13 PM
When I was 25, I started a new job as a Senior Systems Administrator. I was the youngest employee to be given the title in my company, and as such, felt like I had something to prove. I put my head down and guns blazing. I worked 11/12 hours a day and most weekends. My boss didn't believe in paying overtime or time in lieu for overtime hours accrued. He said it was necessary in the IT sector to get ahead. After 6 months I started to see a psychologist for work related stress. After 9 months I told this to my Director whom promised to give me time off but never did. After 12 months I became snappy and aggressive with people, contrary to my friendly personality. After 15 months I snapped, and told my Director it was illegal for his company to operate like this. I told him if I had a car accident driving home from a Datacentre at 3am, his company would be legally liable. He didn't like that, so he fired me. I sued him, and won an out of court settlement (most of it eaten away by lawyer fees). But I was free. I took a couple of weeks off and decided my next job would be so much better because I had gone through the gauntlet already. I got a job as a Senior Systems Engineer in less than a month. Initially, the team seemed really close knit. I received a higher pay, free fuel card, free etag for tollways, a professional course each year, and other quirky benefits like free lollies at the office. In 2 weeks though, my feelings of dread, anxiety, fear and demotivation crept back. I'd drive to the office and sit in my car for 10 minutes praying I didn't have to go in. I'd get up in the morning and want to curl under my blanket and hide away from the world. I started a ritual of buying a pack of cigarettes (which I had quit a year ago) and smoke down the local beach. I began crawling the Internet for forums like this, researching burn out, anxiety, stress, fear; anything to let me know I'm not alone. I walked into the office this morning and my manager called me into a meeting room and told me he was not extending my probationary period. In fact, I was to be let go today. He said it was due to other staff members reporting that when they spoke to me, they felt like I was comprehending but not listening. That I was failing to follow policy and procedure, and other staff members reported me as hard to handle. There were no hard feelings, but I left feeling like the helium of a balloon being squeezed out. I did my usual ritual of smoking down the beach. For the last 6 months, everything is so difficult - I'm an avid reader but can barely comprehend or remember anything. I feel listless. My OCD that I've had since about 5 has increased in intensity. A feeling that everything is impossible, no matter how small. I don't want to get up, but my bills and rent linger in the back of my mind, and that inexorable tug is pulling me to find another job soon. I've got previous contacts whom I may be able to score a job off, but I just don't want to do it. I just can't enter that fast flowing river again where I'm barely above water with the constant feeling of drowning. It feels like I can never be the same, and everything is hopeless