HideKoto
08-03-2013, 09:38 AM
Hello everyone! My name is Ricardo and since about a year now I've been having severe depressions, anxiety attacks and even suicide attempts, which unfortunately failed. Last year I was 16 years old and finally thought about my future, what I actually want to do in life, what are my goals and which career path I should choose. From there on I thought about doing something with psychology, even thought now I realised that I only wanted to study that specific subject to learn more about my own condition. I also learned that it wasn't possible as my grades in school are simply not good enough. This was the first time I had severe worries in my life.
The second event occurred once I started to watch Anime again and get into the modern Japanese culture. I always loved it, but due to the people around it, I just denied my own interests. I denied myself and pretended to like what others like, just to get socially accepted. I had enough of it and by doing so, I also knew that the so-called "friends" were never real. I always ran after people. Once I accepted my interests and lived with them, I suddenly also stopped running after my classmates and other people. None of them ever came up to me and asked why I no longer talk to them or wether something was wrong. It never happened, as if I weren't even there. That was the time when I realised how pathetic I was to think that I had friends, caring friends. That the world would be filled with nice people and that also family would support one. At that point the third event occurred.
Since childhood my father was very abusive. He only beat me a few times when I was a child, but his verbal abuse was really carved into my brain. Not to mention that he is also an alcoholic and one of these "impossible people". I can't trust him at all, so I always wear a mask whenever I talk to him. My family in general is breaking apart, as my uncles and grandparents are basically fighting against each other. My mother noticed a change in my behaviour, that I isolated myself from society, as she had contact with some of my teachers and also parents of my classmates. So I could no longer hide anything from her, well partly.
My goals in general, career plans, interests are all hidden from my family and the people around me. Once I am 18, next year, I am planning on breaking up every single bit of contact to my family, as I simply do not want to remember them. Especially my father. He currently only comes home on sunday and monday, but during that period of time and a few days before, I experience immense anxiety attacks and suicide plotting. I can't concentrate on anything at all nor can I read a single line of book straight.
Presently I know what I want to do for my future career and luckily I can reach it as well as not having to deal a lot with people. My current goal is to somehow live in Japan, which is why I've been studying the writing during my spare time and take courses while I am in university. But for now I have deal for one more year with this current life and I really feel like throwing it away sometimes.
So yeah, that would be the main detail about me. Weirdly I feel a little better just by writing this and posting it into this community. I am looking forward to meeting some other members here :)
The second event occurred once I started to watch Anime again and get into the modern Japanese culture. I always loved it, but due to the people around it, I just denied my own interests. I denied myself and pretended to like what others like, just to get socially accepted. I had enough of it and by doing so, I also knew that the so-called "friends" were never real. I always ran after people. Once I accepted my interests and lived with them, I suddenly also stopped running after my classmates and other people. None of them ever came up to me and asked why I no longer talk to them or wether something was wrong. It never happened, as if I weren't even there. That was the time when I realised how pathetic I was to think that I had friends, caring friends. That the world would be filled with nice people and that also family would support one. At that point the third event occurred.
Since childhood my father was very abusive. He only beat me a few times when I was a child, but his verbal abuse was really carved into my brain. Not to mention that he is also an alcoholic and one of these "impossible people". I can't trust him at all, so I always wear a mask whenever I talk to him. My family in general is breaking apart, as my uncles and grandparents are basically fighting against each other. My mother noticed a change in my behaviour, that I isolated myself from society, as she had contact with some of my teachers and also parents of my classmates. So I could no longer hide anything from her, well partly.
My goals in general, career plans, interests are all hidden from my family and the people around me. Once I am 18, next year, I am planning on breaking up every single bit of contact to my family, as I simply do not want to remember them. Especially my father. He currently only comes home on sunday and monday, but during that period of time and a few days before, I experience immense anxiety attacks and suicide plotting. I can't concentrate on anything at all nor can I read a single line of book straight.
Presently I know what I want to do for my future career and luckily I can reach it as well as not having to deal a lot with people. My current goal is to somehow live in Japan, which is why I've been studying the writing during my spare time and take courses while I am in university. But for now I have deal for one more year with this current life and I really feel like throwing it away sometimes.
So yeah, that would be the main detail about me. Weirdly I feel a little better just by writing this and posting it into this community. I am looking forward to meeting some other members here :)