Mik.Vasudeva
07-24-2013, 12:03 AM
Hello everyone,
My name's Mik (or Mikhail if you prefer the long form). I'm a 22 year old apprentice sound-designer and composer. Where do I begin?
When I was a kid, I was what you can refer to as a "nervous child". Didn't like to sleep much, always thought the world was going to end from running out of breathable air etc... I also suffered from undiagnosed AIWS (Alice In Wonderland Syndrome, look it up. Scary/interesting. You'll also see why almost all cases are undiagnosed). It wasn't very visual for me like it is in most cases, it was very tactile and auditory. I used to have episodes of hearing every sound as having a negative emotional undertone. The most peaceful song, the most calming voice would become rushed, angry and even accusatory. And when I would have a fever I would experience this plus a feeling as if I was made of stone.
I suppose my anxiety grew into me along with this, perhaps not helped by the fact that anxiety is what my parents called the above symptoms. I want to make it clear that these were two very different problems for me, although not being able to distinguish them sometimes was crucial in the development of my current anxiety, even now that I've pretty much grown out of the AIWS.
It's hard to tell when the full blown panic attacks started, but it seems to me they've been around as long as I can remember, increasing in frequency and intensity as the years went on. Oddly enough, my high school years were the calmest. For me, that incredible blur of hormones and euphoria and heartbreak were an excellent distraction from reality. It wasn't until I was maybe 18 that the panic attacks came back with a vengeance.
Cannabis had been an occasional friend to me from the age of 16. But when the panic hit again, I spent my 19th year in a permanent state of liftedness. And it worked, for about a year. I had an incredible sense of nonchalance and confidence that I can only dream of now. Not to mention the fact that it played a role in crystallizing my appreciation of music and catalyzed my decision to take it from hobby to potential livelihood. I wouldn't trade my stoned year for the world...
But yeah, it really switched gears on me. My mind learned to perform all too normally under the influence after a while. The racing thoughts and restlessness were back, but this time within a haze that is all too characteristic with Cannabis. The plant was no longer my friend. Three years later, I still can't smoke without those rising vibes of paranoia creeping up in the first half hour. So that's pretty much the end of that.
As for drinking, that's never become a chronic problem. I'm an occasional binge-drinker (and I really mean occasional, perhaps thrice a year), but besides that I'll just have a beer on a nice sunny Saturday. I've never blacked out, but oh I've had my nights. All in all though, too busy to drink like some of my friends do.
So to get back to the story: after I kicked weed and realized that using it to numb myself allowed the problem to grow like Sauron in Mordor during a long and prosperous peace... I decided to go see someone. The psychiatrist gave me the option of Prozac or cognitive behavioural therapy. Having had enough of mind-altering chemicals, I opted for the CBT. Great stuff, that is! Wonderful approach to anxiety and panic. Look into it if you haven't, although I realize it might not be for everyone. Anyway, long story short, my therapy stopped after about two months and I was feeling so much better. That tension was still there, but I know how to handle it, how to USE it, how to make it MINE. That was two years ago.
Between then and about a year ago, i studied philosophy, and the philosophy of (mainly Asian) religion in university. This was a very invigorating time for me, as I value the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom above all else. But after a while I flew too close to the sun. All the knowledge brought me was more doubt and more questions. That's where the existential anxiety and panic started. I think about death a lot, and no matter how I swing it... It's just an unacceptable concept to me. And I mean unacceptable in the same sense as being cheated out of something. It "just won't do". Sometimes I feel like existing in the first place was just a bad move, and a crime upon my consciousness by whatever made it happen. And it's not that I hate life, on the contrary I love it and crave everything about it. That's the problem. In being born, I have something to lose.
I just realized it will be fellow anxiety sufferers that will be reading this. Sorry friends! Didn't mean to raise your pulses there, I hope you realize I'm being downright irrational. I know I am... And yet I'm still a victim of it. Knowing doesn't change what it does to me. And that's why we're here, right?
So, as you might imagine, I dropped that field of study and enrolled at a private audio engineering school to learn the art of sound design. This was not so much to get away from philosophy as it was a growing love for sound and music that just changed my path.
And here I am now, almost at the end of that program. After being all right for a while, riding the rush of something new... My panic is back. I can't calm down once I'm up there.
I had a massive one a few days ago. I woke up real groggy to go with my mom and help my little sister (19) move from one apartment to another. The grogginess was persistent, it bothered me. I started having to usual stupidity going through my head: "man, this is some serious brain fog. Why am I still feeling like this? Did I have a stroke in my sleep? Yeah, come to think of it, my left arm DOES feel a bit weaker... Ok now stop, you're going to freak out, there's no time for that, you gotta help your sister. Yes, if you freak out you're going to be a burden on these people with you in the car. That's right, you're all alone, just gonna have to deal with it. Yep, all alone in this little head... Alone, alone, alone..."
SNAP!
My upper body suddenly weighed a ton and my legs felt like they were fixing to run. This was it, I really was having a stroke! Why else wouldn't I be able to lift my arms? So as usual, I blurt out "mom, I'm having a panic attack." And it turned out to be the worst one ever. I had to sit in the car with her for over 2 hours, helplessly snapping in and out of sheer terror and completely unable to help with moving furniture. Tried standing up but felt like I was going to fall. So I submitted to just popping half a Gravol (motion-sickness pill that sedates you), and that's what it took.
Been a few days since that incident, and I've been feeling shaky and unsteady ever since, although with more and more moments of calm as the days pass. Called my therapist today, so that'll be in motion again soon.
But all this to say: I could really use your help. I'm tired of not having anyone in my life who relates. And I would also like to help whenever I can in return. I know the workings of the anxious mind better than anything, being one myself. Even though we all suffer, in some sense that makes us the experts. And we need to put our heads together here.
Cheers :)
Mik
My name's Mik (or Mikhail if you prefer the long form). I'm a 22 year old apprentice sound-designer and composer. Where do I begin?
When I was a kid, I was what you can refer to as a "nervous child". Didn't like to sleep much, always thought the world was going to end from running out of breathable air etc... I also suffered from undiagnosed AIWS (Alice In Wonderland Syndrome, look it up. Scary/interesting. You'll also see why almost all cases are undiagnosed). It wasn't very visual for me like it is in most cases, it was very tactile and auditory. I used to have episodes of hearing every sound as having a negative emotional undertone. The most peaceful song, the most calming voice would become rushed, angry and even accusatory. And when I would have a fever I would experience this plus a feeling as if I was made of stone.
I suppose my anxiety grew into me along with this, perhaps not helped by the fact that anxiety is what my parents called the above symptoms. I want to make it clear that these were two very different problems for me, although not being able to distinguish them sometimes was crucial in the development of my current anxiety, even now that I've pretty much grown out of the AIWS.
It's hard to tell when the full blown panic attacks started, but it seems to me they've been around as long as I can remember, increasing in frequency and intensity as the years went on. Oddly enough, my high school years were the calmest. For me, that incredible blur of hormones and euphoria and heartbreak were an excellent distraction from reality. It wasn't until I was maybe 18 that the panic attacks came back with a vengeance.
Cannabis had been an occasional friend to me from the age of 16. But when the panic hit again, I spent my 19th year in a permanent state of liftedness. And it worked, for about a year. I had an incredible sense of nonchalance and confidence that I can only dream of now. Not to mention the fact that it played a role in crystallizing my appreciation of music and catalyzed my decision to take it from hobby to potential livelihood. I wouldn't trade my stoned year for the world...
But yeah, it really switched gears on me. My mind learned to perform all too normally under the influence after a while. The racing thoughts and restlessness were back, but this time within a haze that is all too characteristic with Cannabis. The plant was no longer my friend. Three years later, I still can't smoke without those rising vibes of paranoia creeping up in the first half hour. So that's pretty much the end of that.
As for drinking, that's never become a chronic problem. I'm an occasional binge-drinker (and I really mean occasional, perhaps thrice a year), but besides that I'll just have a beer on a nice sunny Saturday. I've never blacked out, but oh I've had my nights. All in all though, too busy to drink like some of my friends do.
So to get back to the story: after I kicked weed and realized that using it to numb myself allowed the problem to grow like Sauron in Mordor during a long and prosperous peace... I decided to go see someone. The psychiatrist gave me the option of Prozac or cognitive behavioural therapy. Having had enough of mind-altering chemicals, I opted for the CBT. Great stuff, that is! Wonderful approach to anxiety and panic. Look into it if you haven't, although I realize it might not be for everyone. Anyway, long story short, my therapy stopped after about two months and I was feeling so much better. That tension was still there, but I know how to handle it, how to USE it, how to make it MINE. That was two years ago.
Between then and about a year ago, i studied philosophy, and the philosophy of (mainly Asian) religion in university. This was a very invigorating time for me, as I value the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom above all else. But after a while I flew too close to the sun. All the knowledge brought me was more doubt and more questions. That's where the existential anxiety and panic started. I think about death a lot, and no matter how I swing it... It's just an unacceptable concept to me. And I mean unacceptable in the same sense as being cheated out of something. It "just won't do". Sometimes I feel like existing in the first place was just a bad move, and a crime upon my consciousness by whatever made it happen. And it's not that I hate life, on the contrary I love it and crave everything about it. That's the problem. In being born, I have something to lose.
I just realized it will be fellow anxiety sufferers that will be reading this. Sorry friends! Didn't mean to raise your pulses there, I hope you realize I'm being downright irrational. I know I am... And yet I'm still a victim of it. Knowing doesn't change what it does to me. And that's why we're here, right?
So, as you might imagine, I dropped that field of study and enrolled at a private audio engineering school to learn the art of sound design. This was not so much to get away from philosophy as it was a growing love for sound and music that just changed my path.
And here I am now, almost at the end of that program. After being all right for a while, riding the rush of something new... My panic is back. I can't calm down once I'm up there.
I had a massive one a few days ago. I woke up real groggy to go with my mom and help my little sister (19) move from one apartment to another. The grogginess was persistent, it bothered me. I started having to usual stupidity going through my head: "man, this is some serious brain fog. Why am I still feeling like this? Did I have a stroke in my sleep? Yeah, come to think of it, my left arm DOES feel a bit weaker... Ok now stop, you're going to freak out, there's no time for that, you gotta help your sister. Yes, if you freak out you're going to be a burden on these people with you in the car. That's right, you're all alone, just gonna have to deal with it. Yep, all alone in this little head... Alone, alone, alone..."
SNAP!
My upper body suddenly weighed a ton and my legs felt like they were fixing to run. This was it, I really was having a stroke! Why else wouldn't I be able to lift my arms? So as usual, I blurt out "mom, I'm having a panic attack." And it turned out to be the worst one ever. I had to sit in the car with her for over 2 hours, helplessly snapping in and out of sheer terror and completely unable to help with moving furniture. Tried standing up but felt like I was going to fall. So I submitted to just popping half a Gravol (motion-sickness pill that sedates you), and that's what it took.
Been a few days since that incident, and I've been feeling shaky and unsteady ever since, although with more and more moments of calm as the days pass. Called my therapist today, so that'll be in motion again soon.
But all this to say: I could really use your help. I'm tired of not having anyone in my life who relates. And I would also like to help whenever I can in return. I know the workings of the anxious mind better than anything, being one myself. Even though we all suffer, in some sense that makes us the experts. And we need to put our heads together here.
Cheers :)
Mik