Hillhouse
07-10-2013, 08:39 AM
Hi everyone. Please could someone help me if they understand my way of thinking.
Quick background. I have suffered from anxiety for at least 14 years but I suspect I have had it most of my life. It seems to be getting worse the older I get. I rarely leave the house these days. I grocery shop late in the evening to avoid people and only go anywhere if I have to. I had a little dog which kept me going as I needed to leave the house to walk her. We had to have her PTS recently and I miss her greatly, and am now seeing how necessary she was in keeping me going.
Here goes...
I have recently developed a huge fear of forgetting to be well mannered when I'm out. I get incredibly upset if I think I haven't said please or thank you to someone. I have a fear of offending someone or upsetting them. I have been known to ring someone up to apologise for some tiny thing that happened years ago - nearly always turns out I was worrying over nothing. If I have been interacting with anyone I will go over and over and over the conversation trying to remember whether I was polite enough. If I think I didn't say or do the right thing I feel deeply ashamed and cannot leave the house at all - for weeks or months. I had a recent thought that I didn't send thank you notes to the people who sent presents when we got married (18 years ago) and I became very distressed. OH says he remembers me doing them but I can't remember! I drink a glass of wine every night in order to switch off thoughts and relax...and try to sleep.
This is what triggered it....
This time last year I was shopping and needed to get past someone whose trolley was in the way. I smiled and said excuse me and the lady snapped "it's excuse me please! You should learn some manners!" Now to most people this would be a non event, forgotten about within the day, but it triggered off this extreme reaction within me. I now believe I am an awful, ill mannered person and feel really, really anxious that I shouldn't be part of society. This one event has laid heavy with me for a year, and whenever I get anxious my thoughts always go back to this moment. I think what I'm feeling is deep shame. When I am forced to interact I get palpitations and feel I'm going to be sick, I suffer from acid reflux, nightmares every night. If I know I'm going out of the house I need to keep going to the toilet (sorry tmi).
I'm exhausted being like this and feel envious of others who seem to live just normal lives. I have tried talking to people I trust about it but they don't understand.
Does anyone else get like this and if so please could you suggest a way of controlling it. Thank you.
Quick background. I have suffered from anxiety for at least 14 years but I suspect I have had it most of my life. It seems to be getting worse the older I get. I rarely leave the house these days. I grocery shop late in the evening to avoid people and only go anywhere if I have to. I had a little dog which kept me going as I needed to leave the house to walk her. We had to have her PTS recently and I miss her greatly, and am now seeing how necessary she was in keeping me going.
Here goes...
I have recently developed a huge fear of forgetting to be well mannered when I'm out. I get incredibly upset if I think I haven't said please or thank you to someone. I have a fear of offending someone or upsetting them. I have been known to ring someone up to apologise for some tiny thing that happened years ago - nearly always turns out I was worrying over nothing. If I have been interacting with anyone I will go over and over and over the conversation trying to remember whether I was polite enough. If I think I didn't say or do the right thing I feel deeply ashamed and cannot leave the house at all - for weeks or months. I had a recent thought that I didn't send thank you notes to the people who sent presents when we got married (18 years ago) and I became very distressed. OH says he remembers me doing them but I can't remember! I drink a glass of wine every night in order to switch off thoughts and relax...and try to sleep.
This is what triggered it....
This time last year I was shopping and needed to get past someone whose trolley was in the way. I smiled and said excuse me and the lady snapped "it's excuse me please! You should learn some manners!" Now to most people this would be a non event, forgotten about within the day, but it triggered off this extreme reaction within me. I now believe I am an awful, ill mannered person and feel really, really anxious that I shouldn't be part of society. This one event has laid heavy with me for a year, and whenever I get anxious my thoughts always go back to this moment. I think what I'm feeling is deep shame. When I am forced to interact I get palpitations and feel I'm going to be sick, I suffer from acid reflux, nightmares every night. If I know I'm going out of the house I need to keep going to the toilet (sorry tmi).
I'm exhausted being like this and feel envious of others who seem to live just normal lives. I have tried talking to people I trust about it but they don't understand.
Does anyone else get like this and if so please could you suggest a way of controlling it. Thank you.