Really struggling.. Please someone hell :'(

[Stacey1991]

Ok so I've convinced myself I've got HIV and I can't get the thought out of my head. Only real symptoms are my skins turned white in places and have a purple blemish on my leg.

I don't know why I'm just 100% convinced. I'm going for a test Friday but I know waiting for the results is going to literally give me a break down. I'm not sleeping, I feel sick constantly, I'm waking up way before my alarm to rush to the bathroom (diarrhea) and feel sick as soon as I eat.

I feel suicidal and scared and like I have no one to talk to. Over the last year I've somehow lost all my closest friends and I literally feel so alone. My partner won't speak to me about this (understandably!) he was tested before he was with me (clean) and now my biggest fear is if I have it I will have given it to him.

Literally want to go to sleep and never wake up.. I'm at the worst I've been fr ages and can't talk myself out of this or anything. Please someone help

[str8trippin]

Do you have any reason to think you would legitimately have HIV?

[Stacey1991]

Before I was with my boyfriend I slept with a guy 3-4 times who is very sexually active, that's the only reason I have but it doesn't matter how much I try reasoning in my head like how small the chance is I'm convinced ive got it.

[str8trippin]

Well, I happen to know a fair amount about the transmission of HIV, and the chances are pretty slim...as much as it seems like it doesn't help, make sure to think about it realistically in terms of the actual possibility that you could have it. Pretty much all of my anxiety is health related, so I understand the fear, and I've had the HIV thought cross my mind a few times. At least you are scheduled to be tested, so you're taking the steps you need to in order to ease your mind!

[Stacey1991]

But my biggest fear is if I am and I've given it to my partner.. How would I even tell him that. I hate myself and my life right now .. I can't see this getting any better

[Dcoito]

Well even people without anxiety stress about that! However you are stressing about what you did in the past, and what you think will happen in the future! That's what anxiety likes! You need to calm yourself, and concentrate at one day at a time! Say to yourself. I'm only having this test as a precaution. Just to ease my mind, and everything will be ok! You can only do what you can do as each day comes! Don't continue to dewel on the what ifs And after your test comeback. And your all clear! Always practice safe sex! Then you won't have to go thro this again!

[Stacey1991]

I just can't seem to calm myself down tonight, normally I can but tonight my anxiety is on a hole new level

[HealingTime]

I just can't seem to calm myself down tonight, normally I can but tonight my anxiety is on a hole new level

Try to focus on one step at a time. First you have to take the test and wait for the results, right? str8trippin says the chances are slim, so why not focus on keeping calm until the test and then deal with what comes from that. One step at a time...

[str8trippin]

Agreed with all of D's suggestions! Take it one day at a time...don't feed the anxiety by thinking about what if's. It isn't doing anything but getting you worked up and more stressed about it. You are taking the right steps...just try to relax and think about the moment when you get a clean test back and can heave a huge sigh of relief! Focus on being positive!

[str8trippin]

I do want to say, though, that I understand the fear. I had a partner a long time ago and his current girlfriend had contacted me with this lengthy message about how he has an STD and that I might want to get tested. I was in a complete state of panic....and then I remembered that I had been tested multiple times since being with him and never had anything abnormal come up. It's a wonder how our mind's can trick us into believing something even when it's completely irrational...and those of us who suffer from anxiety on a regular basis are even more affected!

[Judie]

But my biggest fear is if I am and I've given it to my partner.. How would I even tell him that. I hate myself and my life right now .. I can't see this getting any better

" the things we worry most about in life never happen " that's a fact and ten fold for Anxiety Sufferers. Your test will be fine, deal with things in life as they occur not before they happen. You are wasting far too much energy on a " maybe " . Be Well ! Focus on Positive not Negative. There has been major advances in the treatment of HIV, people now live normal life spans. I gave you that last tidbit of information because you suffer from Health Anxiety and aren't going to accept that you aren't sick until you have proof, so instead focus on the positive in every negative situation ! Good Luck !

[Stacey1991]

It's so much easier said than done though ay (to deal with things as they come) now I've woken up and my mouth is coated in like a white velvety film and all I can think is its all related! I'm terrified and feel like I have absolutely no one in the world to talk to. I come on here to rant my feelings but genuinely feel not a single person in the world really cares how I'm feeling, think I've hit an all time low the last couple days :(

[str8trippin]

I venture to say that if no one cared how you're feeling, they wouldn't bother to respond to your post and try to offer reassurance and suggestions to help you through the tough time you are going through. It is most definitely easier said that done to act on the suggestions because anxiety can be a deep, deep rut that is very hard to get out of, especially if you feel like you have no one to talk to about how you're feeling. Anxiety will do everything it can to hang on to you. But in all seriousness, the people here definitely understand what you are going through and that you are scared...most of us have been there, or are there now and are fighting our own battles to overcome it! All we can do, though, is offer positive reinforcement and suggestions that might help. The more you dwell on the anxiety and focus on the negative, the more you're going to feel it, and I think health anxieties are triggered particularly easily. You're doing the right things. Just imagine the huge sense of relief you will have when the test comes back clear! Focus on that.

[Stacey1991]

I meant like family and friends.. I can't speak to any of them about any of this and so i come here instead. It's sad really because all I want to do is scream and cry to someone and I can't (sorry for wallowing in self pity)

But what if they don't come back clear? That's all I can think. I'm absolutely terrified. All my symptoms match to late stage aids so it feels like it is ! I'm so so scared right now

[str8trippin]

How long ago were you with the person that you think you could have gotten HIV from?

[Stacey1991]

Just over a year ago..

[str8trippin]

So, think about this statistic...1 in 900 people get HIV from a sexual partner...and that isn't in our country, that is in a country where HIV is extremely prevalent. And here's a US statistic...the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) estimates that for every 100 people in the US who have HIV, there are only four transmissions of the virus. This means that the majority of people who have the virus don't ever pass it to anyone else. So say your previous partner is one of those 100 people who had HIV, there would only be a 4% chance that you would have it. On top of that, you have to factor in not even knowing if they did have HIV...because if they don't, there's a 0% chance that they gave it to you. Not only that, but the chances of you developing late stage AIDS in the span of a year since you were with this person is also very low. I think it's safe to say the chances of you having it are pretty slim. As hard as it is, try to focus on a good outcome!

[Stacey1991]

I can't seem to find any other explanation though.. The discoloration of my skin, the purple lesion on my leg? Loss of appetite.. Diarrhea,, the skin can't be down to anxiety can it?

I know the chances are slim but I'm absolutely terrified. It's ruining my life. Haven't even left the house today..

[Stacey1991]

Also pins and needles! ...

[str8trippin]

This is the problem with health anxiety...if I start reading the potential symptoms that one can experience if infected with the HIV virus, I can feel my anxiety building. Symptoms are the same for just about everything, which is why looking things up on Google is a really bad idea. Anxiety and stress can cause or contribute to a LOT of things...more things than it seems like it should be able to. Have you seen a dermatologist about your skin? Maybe it's just a skin issue and not related to anxiety or anything else.

[Stacey1991]

My gp said it was a fungal infection and I've tried several different things but it just won't get rid of it. Just freaking me out because it says skin is one of the first things to change with HIV. Pretty sure it can't be put down to anxiety!

[Dcoito]

Just go to your local clinic. They can do it for you today. And let you know what they're think about your skin condition! Sometimes a second opinion is helpful!

[str8trippin]

Great suggestion, D. I guess I hadn't thought of it just because of already being scheduled to have the testing done, but there's a lot of places that even do rapid testing now with just a finger prick and a 10-30 minute wait!

[Dcoito]

For me I rather go after my anxiety then to sit with it! Gotta be proactive now a days! LOL

[str8trippin]

Agreed! Any suggestions on kicking this awful pressure in my head (feeling like my head is building up with pressure, really heavy, some dizziness)?! This is the worst for me...it really brings me down. Ibuprofen and that sort of thing don't seem to do anything to alleviate it.

[Dcoito]

Ya. LOL I just wrote it in the other thread. Cold compress, lay close your eyes. Breath through your nose nice relaxing slow breaths. Limit your time on computer, and whatever causes eye strain. Ever thought of getting an eye exams? I have a stigmatism in my eyes causes me to strain my eyes. Also hydrate a lot! Dehydration causes headache! I agree with you! It is my worst symptom I have! It becomes hard to concentrate! Feels like your brain is going to just stop working! Uhg! I hate it!

[Stacey1991]

I'm actually from the UK not America.. The only same day tests we have are in major cities and I can't get to one easily so I'm going to have to wait it out.

Just going to keep praying ...

[str8trippin]

Ya. LOL I just wrote it in the other thread. Cold compress, lay close your eyes. Breath through your nose nice relaxing slow breaths. Limit your time on computer, and whatever causes eye strain. Ever thought of getting an eye exams? I have a stigmatism in my eyes causes me to strain my eyes. Also hydrate a lot! Dehydration causes headache! I agree with you! It is my worst symptom I have! It becomes hard to concentrate! Feels like your brain is going to just stop working! Uhg! I hate it!

I try to limit my time on the computer as much as possible; unfortunately, my job involves me being on the computer pretty much constantly...five days a week, eight hours a day. I'm sure the computer contributes to it, along with the fluorescent lighting, considering I don't experience the head stuff quite as much when I'm not at work. I also don't have good posture. I try my best, but the way our desks and computers are sit up doesn't really make sitting up straight possible because if you do you aren't close enough tor each the keyboard! FRUSTRATING! My boss did by me a new chair which has helped some, but not entirely. I do get yearly eye exams and wear glasses for distance as I'm near sighted, but have never had any other vision problems. My annual eye exam is scheduled in August. Not being able to concentrate drives me bananas...and this head stuff definitely drives the lack of focus because all I can think about is how weird my head feels. Definitely wish I could just lay down periodically throughout the day.

[Dcoito]

Are you staying hydrated as well? You can still bring a cold compress to work. It may help. Maybe a screen cover too to lower the light. Are you in your own office? Can some of the lighting be turned off? Or maybe just your overhead one? You could get a small lamp.

[str8trippin]

Are you staying hydrated as well? You can still bring a cold compress to work. It may help. Maybe a screen cover too to lower the light. Are you in your own office? Can some of the lighting be turned off? Or maybe just your overhead one? You could get a small lamp.

I drink water constantly, pretty much. The more anxious I get, the more water I drink it seems like...but I rarely drink anything other than water anymore, so it's pretty much my go to. I don't do sodas or anything caffeinated or full of sugar...so it's pretty much water and or caffeine free tea. I'm not sure they would allow me to bring my own lamp so I didn't have to use the overhead lighting, but I already only turn on one side of the lights and leave the one directly above me off.

[Judie]

It's so much easier said than done though ay (to deal with things as they come) now I've woken up and my mouth is coated in like a white velvety film and all I can think is its all related! I'm terrified and feel like I have absolutely no one in the world to talk to. I come on here to rant my feelings but genuinely feel not a single person in the world really cares how I'm feeling, think I've hit an all time low the last couple days :(
We all care how you are feeling and Yes Anxiety can cause Fungal Infections...especially Yeast Infections. When your body is stressed as in Anxiety, your immune system becomes compromised. Fungal. infections run rampant in stressed individuals. Remember when people talk about physical stress as in Aids, there is also. Mental Stress as in Anxiety, they both have similar effects on the body. I think you should start taking some probiotics and eat Yogurt. After my mom died I suffered from a Fungal Infection for a year. Fungal Infections are extremely stubborn. If you don't believe me ask any athlete with jock itch or someone with Athlete's Foot. They are opportunist infections that's why women always get them after Antibiotics. Calm. Down ok, I am going to retread your posts and see if I can offer some suggestions. Be Well

[str8trippin]

We all care how you are feeling and Yes Anxiety can cause Fungal Infections...especially Yeast Infections. When your body is stressed as in Anxiety, your immune system becomes compromised. Fungal. infections run rampant in stressed individuals. Remember when people talk about physical stress as in Aids, there is also. Mental Stress as in Anxiety, they both have similar effects on the body. I think you should start taking some probiotics and eat Yogurt. After my mom died I suffered from a Fungal Infection for a year. Fungal Infections are extremely stubborn. If you don't believe me ask any athlete with jock itch or someone with Athlete's Foot. They are opportunist infections that's why women always get them after Antibiotics. Calm. Down ok, I am going to retread your posts and see if I can offer some suggestions. Be Well

Pro-biotics are great...I take Acidophilus and it has GREATLY helped with the stomach problems I was having! You don't have to have an autoimmune disorder for something to be out of whack with you immune system!

[Judie]

I can't seem to find any other explanation though.. The discoloration of my skin, the purple lesion on my leg? Loss of appetite.. Diarrhea,, the skin can't be down to anxiety can it?

I know the chances are slim but I'm absolutely terrified. It's ruining my life. Haven't even left the house today..

Anxiety causes all of those things and fungal infections as well. Tell me about the purple lesion ? Does your ex definitely have HIV or are you assuming that ? Is he an iV drug user ? HIV usually takes longer then a year to present and you certainly wouldn't be in an End Stage Aid situation. So you don't have a At Home HIV tests there as we do in the States ? How long have you been feeling this anxious ? Health Anxiety can be crippling. Try some probiotics to boost your immune system and 2,000'mg of Vitamin D as well. As soon as your tests come back clear and they will, we can all help you begin to tackle the anxiety, ok

[Judie]

Pro-biotics are great...I take Acidophilus and it has GREATLY helped with the stomach problems I was having! You don't have to have an autoimmune disorder for something to be out of whack with you immune system!

Absolutely right! Anxiety wears on your immune system and creates an Irritable Bowel and an increase in stomach acid ( ulcers, Gerd, Heart Burn whatever) I make Kefir Smoothies with Fresh Fruit. Have you ever tried Kefir ( Lifeway Brand) it really helped my ulcers ( all. Anxiety related)

[Dcoito]

I love that stuff! Price is good too!

[str8trippin]

Absolutely right! Anxiety wears on your immune system and creates an Irritable Bowel and an increase in stomach acid ( ulcers, Gerd, Heart Burn whatever) I make Kefir Smoothies with Fresh Fruit. Have you ever tried Kefir ( Lifeway Brand) it really helped my ulcers ( all. Anxiety related)

I've never heard of it, but I'll have to look into it. I do a lot of smoothies, so I love things that I can add to those! I've also heard tons of excellent stuff about the Green Superfood.

[Dcoito]

You can find it in the health food isle. In the cooler.

[Judie]

I've never heard of it, but I'll have to look into it. I do a lot of smoothies, so I love things that I can add to those! I've also heard tons of excellent stuff about the Green Superfood.

A friend of mine does a Green Superfood Pill, is that what you are referring to ? She takes a pill as she has CLL ( Chronic Leukocytic Leukemia } to boost her Immune System and so far she has successfully kept her blood counts in line :)