Hi, a quick intro

[HealingTime]

Hello. Here is my story in a nutshell. I've always been anxious but I really never recognized it as obsessive or too much. I've had some form of panic attacks but I know my trigger so I'm not sure if that makes it a panic attack. Again I didn't realize it until recently or recognize I could or should fix it.

In a nutshell, when my husband raises his voice or gets mad and gets that hateful look in his eyes, here comes the panic. The panic that he'll leave me. The panic that I'll get the cold shoulder for days on end. I'm not sure yet where this comes from. I want to say its the start of our marriage where he DID threaten to leave me quite often. But it's my anxiety that escalates the fights to that point.

It takes two, I know that. But I can only fix myself. Right now it's been over a week since our last fight and my mild anxiety attack. Inside I die a little every day that is wasted between us.

I should explain what I do when I panic. I do things to try to regain the control I feel I am losing. I follow him trying to get him to talk it out. I force him to hear me even when he asks for space. I have blocked doorways so he can't leave. I have blocked him in a closet. I have shoved him back if he tries to get past me. All the while crying and begging and pleading and hyperventilating. My heart races and I feel as if I am I a dream and can't control what I'm doing. All logic goes out the window.

Last week for the first time I recognized it for what it is: a panic attack. I feel I've lost control and must convince him right then and here I'm a good person and I'm sorry. Oh the number of times I'm sorry. I'm getting help. I got some meds And I started seeing a therapist.

Right now I struggle daily because he's barely talking to me. I need help to give him space to heal and see that I'm working on myself. I feel if he doesn't try to become close to me again, I'll never get that opportunity. So I'm in a state of anxiety 100% of the time and its affecting my sleep which is unusual I usually can sleep anywhere anytime.

Can I get that support here? I need the courage and the strength and the tough love to leave him be and be happy when I'm around him.

Please help?

L.

[str8trippin]

I'm no expert, but give him some space, and then find a time where you can calmly ask him if you can both sit down and talk to each other about the things that are going on. If you aren't able to find a way to talk to each other calmly and rationally about the situation, it seems like breaking that cycle is going to be pretty difficult. He has to be willing just as much as you are, and open enough to listen to where you are coming from, just as much as you have to be open and understand where he is coming from. Allow each other the opportunities to speak without taking offense at what the other is saying and then see if you can't talk through it and into some resolutions. Most importantly, don't be too hard on yourself...it seems to me that you've taken a HUGE step in realizing what is going on and taking it upon yourself to get whatever help you need!

[HealingTime]

Thank you for your reply. Giving him space is so hard cause I feel so lost. I have a permanent sick feeling in my stomach being around him. I talked to him a bit this morning and am trying to explain the anxiety to him but it seems he's not willing to believe it yet. He's being extremely passive aggressive and that's not helping.

I'm glad I found this group. My anxiety in our marriage has nearly ruined us before and I sure could use the help when I can't see my therapist. It's good to know I'm not alone.

[str8trippin]

Would he be willing to go to your therapist with you? Maybe hearing it from someone other than you might give it a little more perspective for him. That's a really hard situation to be in because he has to be willing to try and understand just as much as you do...and if he isn't, it's like talking to a wall. I've been there, so I definitely understand. I'm glad I found this group, too...it's been such a great resource...and just knowing that other people can relate to what you are going through is such a big help and reassurance!

[HealingTime]

I'm thinking after a bit of time I might invite him to the therapist. Until then I have to learn to control the anxiety and not let it control me. He needs space and I need to respect that. It's just so hard when I am just ill all the time from the anxiousness. The I you for your replying and understanding. It helps tremendously.

L.

[str8trippin]

Learning to control the anxiety and not let it control you is definitely not an easy task...but it's possible. If you've made the decision to do it, you can! Talk to it if you have to. I know that sounds really silly but it is kind of effective, at least for me, to just say, "Hey, anxiety...I know that's you and I'm NOT going to let you ruin my day, so just take a hike!" It might seem really dumb, but just acknowledging that what you are experiencing is anxiety helps you to feel more in control of the situation.

[Dcoito]

IV had communication, and understanding issues too with my partner. ( not married but been together for 18 years) he is very verbal and doesn't understand my anxiety. Although I see him struggle to sometimes. So I write him a long letter. Get everything out, my fears and concerns. I thank often! Even small things he dose, it makes him feel important! It's so hard to turn our focus away from our own needs when we are feeling this way! Your husband himself may be feeling ill because you are! Be calm, and be kind, even when he's not. For him to know you are trying, you need to show it! Do things you normally wouldn't do. Like just look at him and say hey baby, when he looks at you wink, and blow him a kiss! LOL. Smile! I believe he is avoiding conversations because he knows your reactions, perhaps he's just not sure how to talk with you, maybe his fears are as great as yours! You need him to feel comfortable about it! Make a date, have a talk in public where you both are less likely to yell, or flip out! Keep it calm and adult like!

Best wishes! I know it's tuff!

[Dcoito]

You got it str8. Move it aside! Anxiety is not important, and you are! ( WINK)

[HealingTime]

IV had communication, and understanding issues too with my partner. ( not married but been together for 18 years) he is very verbal and doesn't understand my anxiety. Although I see him struggle to sometimes. So I write him a long letter. Get everything out, my fears and concerns. I thank often! Even small things he dose, it makes him feel important! It's so hard to turn our focus away from our own needs when we are feeling this way! Your husband himself may be feeling ill because you are! Be calm, and be kind, even when he's not. For him to know you are trying, you need to show it! Do things you normally wouldn't do. Like just look at him and say hey baby, when he looks at you wink, and blow him a kiss! LOL. Smile! I believe he is avoiding conversations because he knows your reactions, perhaps he's just not sure how to talk with you, maybe his fears are as great as yours! You need him to feel comfortable about it! Make a date, have a talk in public where you both are less likely to yell, or flip out! Keep it calm and adult like!

Best wishes! I know it's tuff!


You are so right. Actually today he told me he's nervous every time I try to talk to him for fear it will escalate and I'll flip out. I told him we have to talk sometime and if he's noticed the last three talks we've had I've been fine. I know I won't be perfect but this is the first time I've been able to recognize what's happening to me. By the way, we've been married 11 years.

Right now he's being very chilly. I'm not even getting hello or goodbye kisses. I'm very on edge and it makes me very sad. I should ignore it and like you said blow kisses or just glance at him and smile. I told him though, over the phone he says he loves me and doesn't mean to make things difficult and he sounds so sincere but then he comes home and it's all chills.

It's so hard. I stayed home from work today and I took half a sleeping pill just to make it through the day.

[HealingTime]

Learning to control the anxiety and not let it control you is definitely not an easy task...but it's possible. If you've made the decision to do it, you can! Talk to it if you have to. I know that sounds really silly but it is kind of effective, at least for me, to just say, "Hey, anxiety...I know that's you and I'm NOT going to let you ruin my day, so just take a hike!" It might seem really dumb, but just acknowledging that what you are experiencing is anxiety helps you to feel more in control of the situation.

If I talked to my anxiety, since I feel it 100% of the time, I'd get locked up. LOL. But I get your point. I need to control it and stop letting it control me. When I'm driving is the worst. I sit and think and worry and feet and feel sorry for myself.

Thank you again!

[Dcoito]

He may be unsure about your needs physically, or emotionally. I mean after all he's a man! LOL Just ask him. Hey you, plant your lips right here good looking! But don't drill or need anything more. You need to still work on you, so in reality you need space as well so you can heal! Just start out in giving short nice jesters. As he eases up he will be more able to support you!

[HealingTime]

Thank you. I'm trying very hard to be upbeat. But he barely looks at me or talks to me. I feel like I'm gonna throw up right now. I just got home and the closer I got the more anxious I got. He's acting like he can barely stand the site of me. I am in turmoil I don't know how much longer I can survive this.

[Dcoito]

Do some relaxation , guided meditation! Don't make your return home about him! You need to be calm! So you can heal! Make home a nice place for you to be. Make a new routine for yourself when you get home. Greet your husband. Say I'm going to try some relaxation for myself. Give a quick kiss, and off you go! Take care of you for now. He will probably scratch his head, and say ummm ok. He will come around, mine started peeking in on me, and then after about a week he would ask if I was ok. And if I needed anything. LOL. He was just confused why I stopped being so clingy. I just decided to work on me after all I was the only one that could!
Never asked you, but do you have children?

[HealingTime]

We have a 17 year old who just said bye to dad who is SLEEPING IN THE SPARE ROOM on his way to the gym. I'm a mess. I'm DYING to go to the spare room and beg him to come up. I'm dying here. I am just laying in bed rocking back and forth. If I stop rocking my stomach anxiety gets to be overwhelming. I am breathing shallow. I feel ill. I want to be dead because then the hurt would go away. I'm not in a good place right now... I will work in your techniques coming home tomorrow. I promise. But right now, logic seems gone. I must not go to him though. But doesn't he see that this is adding to my panic! His being so distant????

[HealingTime]

I can't breathe. I took 1/2 sleeping pill so I can't take Xanax which only seemed to knock me out anyway. Oh please make sleep come.

[Dcoito]

Now would be the best time for you to breath, you are feeling awful right now! And what you are saying right now is only going to make yourself feel worse! And yes he probably dose see strain on you, the question is dose he know what to do about it? PROBABLY NOT, ! Like I said before, maybe he is dealing with his own anxiety. I know my symptoms was so bad, and I put mine through so much that he actually started to feel stressed himself. It's hard to look past what we are feeling sometimes, you need to know you can't fix everything all the time. But you can fix yourself!

[HealingTime]

Dcoito, you have been very helpful. I was able to read your reply and then he showed up in our bedroom to sleep. And you are absolutely right. He says he is stressed and feeling anxious just in my presence right now. So all I can do is fake it and act happy to alleviate that for him and show him I'm working on me. My stomach is in constant knots and I can't eat and I feel there is no end in sight. But I have to do this. I need to be strong.

After he came to bed I lay there alternating between twitching my feet nervously and tensing my body. Just nervous habits.

Must not think about that though I can feel my heartbeat quicken.

Here we go to another long day.

[HealingTime]

Dcoito, and anyone else who wants to chime in, do you think it's wrong to send him sexy pics and have some "with benefits" fun? I did earlier in the week but when it came closer to bedtime, he told me it wouldn't be fair. Meaning he's still stressed around me so it won't change anything.

I mean, we're husband and wife, it certainly would make me feel better if only during the act. In want to try again and tell him it's ok we can just have some "with benefits" fun.

I keep thinking eventually it would help him feel closer and relieve apprehension a bit over time. I don't expect anything over night but... Well your thoughts?

[defmunel]

I personally don't think that's what he wants, nor would it help in the long term. You'd only be putting a small bandaid on a large wound.

I can see that our husbands might be a little similar. My husband on occasion (mostly early in our marriage) threatened to leave because I wasn't acting like the girl he'd marry. I'd get really scared, and freak out that he was really going to leave me. I'd promise profusely that I was going to change, and that I'd stop doing what I was doing. The more I shoved myself in his face, the more irritated he'd get. If I'd allow him some time and space, then we'd be able to talk in a more rational and calm way.

You're husband doesn't want you throwing yourself at him. He doesn't want you in his face, blocking doors, and crying. He wants you to be mentally healthy enough that you can go on dates together, and enjoy moments together. He wants you to be happy so your marriage can be happy and thrive.

Don't throw yourself at him. Tell him that you recognize you haven't been his wife lately, and that you recognize your need to change. Tell him that's why your going to therapy, and you are really trying to get help.

Let him know that you recognize the faults in yourself, and what you are doing /going to do to fix them.

Also let him know that you see him struggling and hurting, and you don't want to see him going through that. Be sympathetic to his feelings, but do not push him.

I honestly feel as anxiety sufferers we are quite narcissistic because we tend to only think of ourselves and our needs. We don't serve others around us because we are so consumed by our own problems.

I promise you that if you can serve others, and think outside of yourself, you will find happiness in your moments.

I hope this reply doesn't come across as rude or unsympathetic. I truly believe that these things will help.

[HealingTime]

Your reply isn't rude at all. It's a god send. Thank you, I needed to hear that and I will read and re-read it several times today.

Our husbands and yours and my reaction sound like we are the same couple. He brings up "i'm done" or "i should have taken action a long time ago" or "i'm moving to the spare room" nearly every big fight we have. So you can understand my anxiety about fighting. I'm so scared he will finally have had enough. But I need this chance because I'm finally understanding why I do what I do. I've never admitted or realized I was actually panicking and that I can fix this. This past week and a half has been a huge eye opener.

When I see him is when I start to freak out and panic. He barely looks at me. He barely speaks to me and it's cold. How can I make it through this time is beyond me right now. I can do this now. I am at work, away from him. I have the support here, thank you! When I go home though... that's when it starts. The coldness... I can feel my heartbeat quicken, I can feel my breaths getting shorter.

AARRGGGHHHHH!!!!

[defmunel]

Do what I said. Admit your faults, recognize his hurt. It will soften him. Be genuine when you say these things. Don't talk about yourself. Don't say, "I recognize a,b, and c, BUT its because...". Don't justify. Just plainly admit what you know to be true about your weaknesses. Address your willingness and need for help.

[HealingTime]

I have done that. More than once. I have told him I hear him and I understand he's hurt and needs time. I have admitted my actions (forcing him to talk to me and forcing him to stay in a room) are wrong and I have told him about the help I am getting. Nothing seems to soften him. That's why I fear he's being different cause he's seeking divorce.

[trinidiva]

You need to start to take the steps to get better, mainly for yourself. Once you start to get yourself better, you can effectively work on other relationships.
I'm not sure why your husband is so nervous around you....perhaps he can see how anxious you are, and feels helpless.

First, like one of the people earlier said, I feel that you have to be positive and surround yourself with positivity. Personally, I was in a similar situation where I felt like my relationship was weakening due to my severe anxiety. He just didn't know what he could do to help me. Truthfully, I had to take control and start to take the steps on my own. I looked into meditation, I take a meditation type class....changed my diet....eating more fresh fruits and vegetables now, cut back on salt and caffeine, make sure I get between 6-8 hours of sleep, and stopped watching and reading anxiety provoking material. For me, that's medical shows, crime reality shows, etc. Its a lot to change but after doing this a number of months I'm finally seeing results both in how I feel and in my relationship. My husband one day out of the blue said to me that he's noticed how much more relaxed I am and how much happier I seem to him. That was something that I was so pleased to hear.
You can do it. You have to work on reducing your anxiety and feeling better. Share with your husband...let him be a part of your process, but you can't depend on him to help you through this, you have to take control and start making the steps.
I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh, that is definitely not my intent. I hope that everything works out for you and if you ever need to vent, this is a great place to do it. We have all been there.

[str8trippin]

Anxiety is so much about feeling like you don't have control...so focus your energy on taking control of what you CAN control. If you have done those things...admitting your faults, recognizing what he is going through, addressing your willingness to seek help...then you are doing your part. Ultimately, if he is seeking a divorce, you don't have any control over that...only he has control over how he chooses to handle the situation...but you do have control over your own actions, and over getting help.

[HealingTime]

My god, one minute I'm breathing and the next minute my heart is racing and I want to hit something! I am so sick and tired of this. HE is causing me the anxiety. I am giving him all the damn space in the world and it's not good enough. I can't share with him because he just wants to be away from me.

[Dcoito]

I agree with all the above! It takes time, you are making efforts to heal, but your not there yet! Stress, and anxiety has its own cause, and your husbands stress is you! Not to sound rude just honest. In order for him to heal, you need to heal! I know cuz it happened to me! And he's still here. And he is much more relaxed, and we are back on track! Take all into consideration. And just act on it. The more you analyze things the more crazy you drive yourself! And that equals more anxiety! The more anxiety the longer it takes to heal!

[HealingTime]

Ok. My husband's stress is me. That's true. Oh thank you thank you. Ok. Deep breaths. The more i analyze the more I go crazy the more anxiety the more time to heal and the more I stress my husband. Ok ok. I'm writing this down in my notebook of things I need to work on. *breathes*

[Dcoito]

I mean look at your user name! HEALINGTIME. In brace that! Use that thought over, and over in your mind, as you relax, he is just trying to run away from his anxiety. He doesn't understand, and that ok. You have to make that ok! Your expecting him to be right there with you, but he can't because it effects him so much. So he must care a lot in order for it to effect him so much! The calmer you become, the closer he will get! And it will not happen overnight. Don't expect improvement tomorrow, it took me over a month. Before things started to improve! You you you! Consent rate on you! Your husband is concentrating on himself, so need to do the same!

[HealingTime]

Taking more notes to make it through the weekend. That is so wise. We each are stressed and feeling anxious and we each need the space to heal. The part I don't know how to handle is day in and day out of this cold shoulder. I just need to keep telling myself he needs to heal. Ok. He needs to heal. I'm not sure how to concentrate on me ... maybe when I figure that out the time will go faster and healing will begin?