scared my anxiety will drive others away..depression..

[j2013]

Hi, I'm extremely new here, and I'm nervous to even post about this, but figured I've come to the right place. I've been struggling with anxiety ever since I can remember, and I've recently started seeing a therapist to help with coping with it. Throughout the day, I'm constantly on edge. I fear talking to new people, and if I'm not worrying about social interaction, I'm worrying about maintaining the relationships I've already formed -- specifically, my relationship with my (pseudo) boyfriend (we're really on and off) and best friend, (let's call him) Greg. Last night I went to a party and on the way back, I wanted to see him. I was hoping maybe I could sleep over, since I often sleep over his house on the weekends. Even though he agreed to meet up with me and talk and spend time, he was too tired to have me sleep over. I got really upset. I understand this wasn't a fair reaction to him. He has every right to say "no" to me sleeping over, especially considering everything he's done for me (helping me get through attacks, reassuring me when I'm doubtful and at my most anxious, etc.) but I couldn't hear that answer for some reason last night. I might have still been feeling some of the effects of alcohol from the party, even though I'm pretty sure I was sober at that point.

Anyway, I was anxious the whole night because even though he eventually let me stay over, I knew he didn't really want to, but rather he felt obligated. Today, he called me saying how he didn't like the way I made him feel obligated to have me over. This made me feel extremely guilty and anxious. I was nervous that because of this, he wouldn't want to talk to me. See, every time he lets on that I've annoyed him, no matter how slight, I get scared that this will cause him to think of other times I've annoyed him and that one day, something will happen that will trigger him to just leave. I feel like my constant worrying and needing reassurance from him will eventually drive him away. It's so hard for me to stay reassured, though.

Now he's on his way to a friend's house, of whom I don't really approve, because this friend does heavy drugs recreationally. So, it might have been a combination of my tension and anxiety from this conversation and the fact he was now going to spend time with this friend. He said he'd call me later, but I wasn't satisfied with the way the convo ended so after we hung up I called him again... Four times. I'm so ashamed at how I reacted. I also sent him a long text saying sorry for my actions, and that I wish I didn't react this way all the time, and how anxiety is so exhausting to the point where I ask myself, what is the point of living. I am not suicidal but sometimes these thoughts come into my mind when my anxiety is so crippling and overwhelming, stopping me from doing things as simple as asking someone a question at work. I told him that I'm scared that my anxiety will drive everyone in my life away from me, including him, because they will eventually get fed up. I'm so so so scared of this happening. He hasn't responded or returned the calls... I hate myself for doing so, too. Now I'm in a depression rut, and I probably won't get out until I've sorted this out with him. I feel so inept.

Anyway, if anyone can say they've been or are experiencing similar fears, or a similar situation, or any advice at all, please feel free. I feel so down right now.

[Anxious Abi]

Hey, I would just like to say, I do have a lot of quite similar fears. I can be overly reliant on others to affect the outcome of my mood. I am in constant need of reassurance, praise, and positive affirmations from others, I'm extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, even when there is none intended and can often take a tiny occurrence, such as not receiving a reply to a text message into something that devalues my whole character, it can make me feel as though forgotten, and I then become increasing anxious that this person will get fed up of me, and leave me on my own. For some reason being on my own is the worst thing that could happen, I cling to my relationships like a parasite, parasite may be a bit harsh, but I would describe my behavior as pathetic and desperate, that is my opinion of myself as I relentlessly try to hold onto people. I find myself constantly trying to make eye contact with those I am close to, analyzing their reactions, i'm always asking if I have done anything wrong, I can feel the more worried and anxious I get about the relationship the harder it gets for them to be around me, I don't blame them. It must be hard to have to carry someone else's self esteem as well as your own. I am trying to recognize these behaviors in myself in hope that I can try and overcome them.
Anyways, you're not alone, wish you the best of luck, i'm usually around if you want to chat.
Abi

[aryan]

R u experiance chest pain sharp pain dry mount headache... Dizzzy

[calimel]

I constantly worry that no one likes me. I keep my fears about that hidden. And my husband assures me everyone tells him how much they like me. I do take it personally when people take hours to respond to a simple text message, especially when my kids are at their house. And especially because I am the kind of person who is always here for everyone else. I will drop everything if someone needs something. And I always worry I have done something wrong. Again, I keep that to myself because i don't want to make people have to reassure me. Right now, I need someone to talk to -just human contact, and really, desperately wish I had a friend who had time or would make time. Who would make me more important than folding their laundry, or tell me "come over! I'm just folding laundry!" I guess that's because it's what I would do. I'm alone and no one to talk too. My husband tells me i read into things too much, worrying people don't like me when people are just busy. But I see them having time once or twice a week to go out with other people (darn that FB check in! or posting pics of kids playing together and we live nearby) i live far away from where i grew up, and my best friends from back there have the friendship that i want to find. they help each other when they need it, have lunch, scrapbook together. but they "hate to talk on the phone" so i don't even get that. my husband wonders why I cling to my computer tablet like its my best friend. Right now, it is. It's always there, never too busy. But it's lonely.

[em1]

I constantly worry that no one likes me. I keep my fears about that hidden. And my husband assures me everyone tells him how much they like me. I do take it personally when people take hours to respond to a simple text message, especially when my kids are at their house. And especially because I am the kind of person who is always here for everyone else. I will drop everything if someone needs something. And I always worry I have done something wrong. Again, I keep that to myself because i don't want to make people have to reassure me. Right now, I need someone to talk to -just human contact, and really, desperately wish I had a friend who had time or would make time. Who would make me more important than folding their laundry, or tell me "come over! I'm just folding laundry!" I guess that's because it's what I would do. I'm alone and no one to talk too. My husband tells me i read into things too much, worrying people don't like me when people are just busy. But I see them having time once or twice a week to go out with other people (darn that FB check in! or posting pics of kids playing together and we live nearby) i live far away from where i grew up, and my best friends from back there have the friendship that i want to find. they help each other when they need it, have lunch, scrapbook together. but they "hate to talk on the phone" so i don't even get that. my husband wonders why I cling to my computer tablet like its my best friend. Right now, it is. It's always there, never too busy. But it's lonely.

Hello calimel I'm Emma :) I'm from London uk I'm
A mother and a wife and I and I can quite understand where your coming from,everyone wants to be loved and liked and I think it's due to the anxiety that it fuels the feelings more,if ever you need to chat just message me :)