22 years old and full of projects but paralysed with anxiety

[lucy91]

Hey guys!

The title does pretty much say it all and I'm here looking for advice and possibly life stories of people who might relate to my problem. I'd be great if you guys could share your story with me, your coping strategies, your fears and, if possible, tell me that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that I won't be plagued with this disorder forever!

So, here's a bit of my anxiety story: it's always been there. I was always one who worried a bit excessively about my parents possibly dying in a car crash, having an illness, that one of them might have an illness, etc. However, I was able to live rather okay-ish through my teenage years, without any major problems except these bouts of hypochondria and worry. It all started when I was 18 and I had my first panic attack in the mall. I thought it could be a sign of a terrible illness (maybe a brain tumour since I looked online for the symptoms!). I went to the ER everyday for a week until I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was a wreck for a few weeks and had trouble making it through my first year in college because I skipped many classes. However, I was given meds and within a month or two I was functioning well.

I was okay for a while, I even moved abroad in an exchange program as an exchange student. During that year, I was very lonely and slowly weaned off my meds. When I did, I almost went mad with bouts of terror! I was sitting alone in my room feeling like it was all falling apart with no hope of ever improving so I came back to my parents and started new meds and psychotherapy. I was dead scared of what was happenning to me and feared I'd start acting irrational at any moment. Because I had nothing to do all summer ans just stayed home with the folks, it took a long time for me to start feeling like I could hold myself on my own two feet. I moved to a different college in a different city so I could be independant, and also because I'd had a fight with my ex and lost all of our mutual friends, leaving me 100% friendless.

Eventually I met my boyfriend and became a little less lonely and quit therapy. I was fairly stable for a year, when I weaned off the second kind of meds again. It all came back in a few months. I was dissatisfied and feeling lonely again for several months, my boyfriend hardly ever visited and we had some trouble in our relationship. In January this year I went through some OCD. It was during exams in school and my period was slightly late so I started to fear I could be pregnant. I took a million negative pregnancy tests, my period came and I visited 5 doctors! All confirmed I wasn't pregnant but I was still obsessing about it.

Eventually I got a grip on myself and restarted therapy. The OCD/pregnancy thing went away with time but my bouts of terror didn't. It's this lingering feelings of anguish, of discomfort and these bouts of terror that I'm working on with my new therapist. However, it's taking an awfully long time to see the results! We were able to pinpoint some of the reasons for what I'm feeling and he says I'll eventually feel calmer when I'm aware of what's causing these feelings and when the repetition of life experiences starts to grant me some confidence and calm.

Here are some reasons for my current awful bouts of horror, of anguish and fears of lifelong misery;

Social Anxiety: I was always too shy to make friends and ended up friendless. I'd need a supportive group of people or a couple of people my age I could hang out with, create bonds with and relate to. I have none so getting better is slower. I have my boyfriend of almost 2 years but's he's too much of a child to properly understand me and give advice, plus he lives away and visits only once a week a for just a few hours. After a great effort to get out of my shell, I started talking to some people and got myself a job where I have coworkers who are talkative and nice but everyone's too stuck in their own lives and I have trouble going from acquaintance-level to friend-level. I joined a gym and several other stuff but people there seem just as focused on their own lives and not too open to ask me out for coffee or a drink. Don't think they'd accept if I asked them out, neither.

Separation Anxiety: I'm living away from my family I only visit them every few months since I work weekends. I miss them and I feel like I'm missing out on them. My parents are 50-something and my only supportive relatives (I have no siblings or other close family members). I know they'll die in 20-something, max. 30 years, if not sooner and I know I'll be alone familywise. This makes me feel terrible, like I'm wasting time I could be spending with them, even if I know I can't be forever a child in their home nor sit and look at them while they age. Overall, I guess I just wish they just could be more present in my life, since they exist and are all I have as a family.

Constant moving and life changes: I went to a dozen different schools since I never really liked the people there. t age 15 my parents left out hometown and went to live in a big city. I never reall fit in. I don't have friends left from that time. I went to college and met my first boyfriend but then I went abroad next year and we went separate ways. I was too lonely to go on living abroad so I came back to my country. I tried to go back to that college I'd left but my ex-boyfriend spread a rumour and all mutual friends sent me to Coventry so I moved to a different town, alone. That's where I am now, I've been here for 2 years. I had trouble making friends here, too, since I couldn't really start a conversation with anyone in college. I met my boyfriend, however, but as I told you, he's not very present in my life. I began feeling lonelier and lonelier so I applied for a program in France and got accepted. So next year I'm moving back abroad.

Uncertainty about the future: I can't help think what it'll be like, next year. I'll be working and studying in France but I have no idea if I'll be able to cope, this time. I want to meet people and make friends and have a support net that can be close to me and help me through possible trouble. I know I'll probably lose my boyfriend since he's staying. I don't know, though, if I'll really be able to make friends, to fit in, to stand on my own two feet... or if I'll go back again, when the schoolyear ends, to hide and look for safety in my parents' house, feeling worthless, weak and like I completely missed out. If I come back to my country, I will have to start all over again. No idea how to do this.

Any advice welcome, guys. I need it. Or if anyone wants to be my only anxiety-buddy, message me! I really wish I had someone to talk to.

[Enduronman]

Holy shit!!!

[Enduronman]

Just kidding but I'll have to read this again when my BP isn't 500/300. :)

[geglilsis]

Lucy91 we are all here to listen, relapsing sucks its confusing and painful. Go with your gut, what do you think is best for you, pray about it, talk to your parents spend more time with them, do what will make you stronger and happier! What will make you feel more at ease?

[missmello]

You sound a little like me! Here's a little of my story, I'll try not to ramble on!

I too am an only child, and they way I was brought up I guess molded me to be a quiet/shy person. When I was in elementary school I had lots of friends, then my parents divorced, moved out with my mom, changed schools, lost all of my friends. It was awful, I felt very alone. For some reason I was no longer able to make friends easily, and I guess as we get older we are naturally just more judgemental of each other and I guess that combined with my shyness is why I had no friends.

Fast forward a little, high school was a nightmare. I had 1 friend, she lived across the street from me but I never had any classes with her. Lunch time would come around and I'd either hide in the bathroom or sneak out of school and walk home.. It was extremely lonely.

Fast forward a little more, started getting panic attacks around 18yo, seemingly for no reason. I didn't know what anxiety was or what panic attacks were, until going to the ER a million times with heart palpitations someone finally told me I had anxiety. I got over it within 2 months I would say, then I met my boyfriend. We worked together at a supermarket, hung out with the same group of people, finally felt like I was part of a circle of friends. Then sometime after I was getting panic attacks again, ended up quitting my job because it was so disabling.

Got better after a few months again, then got a new full time job, worked for a few years, panic came back again. It seems to happen really bad every 3 years for me lol I don't know why. Luckily I managed to stick with that job until I started school full time, then I had to leave my job. In school for 5 years, for the most part I was totally fine, stressed out yes, but no major panic.

Graduated, got married, life is wonderful, then started to try and have a baby and BOOM.. struck with severe anxiety again. I was 100% convinced I was pregnant for a while ever though all the tests were coming back negative.

Enough about me! Sorry that was so long.. but my point is, everyone has their triggers, and none of us are alone in this. It is manageable, even though it may come back every once in a while, it does go away. I know how it feels to feel isolated and alone, the difficulty of making friends, etc.. I still do not have many friends, I mostly hang out with my family, brother and sister in laws, etc. But they all know about my anxiety, and are all very supportive. Don't be afraid to reach out to them, they may not understand but they will try and help you however way they can. I am in therapy now too and am having a hard time shaking this off 100%, but it is sometimes a slow process. Sounds like you are in your head a lot, with millions of thoughts racing through your mind. You need to learn to get out of your head, and focus on the here and now. Sure, the older people in your family may live for another 20-30 years but that is a VERY LONG TIME! Worrying about something that may or may not happen 30 years from now is excessive worry, you must see that?

What's that saying? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference." That last part is probably the most important. Us worriers have a hard time deciphering what we can and cannot control, so we worry about everything. It is okay to let go sometimes, and just let things happen. Try it, if you are worrying about something, just try and accept it, don't let it take over your thoughts or make up "what if" scenarios, just let that thought melt away, and you will see at the end of the day, everything will turn out find & if you had spent so much time and effort worrying about it would have been a waste.

Sorry this was so long, but hope it was of some help to you!

[ComputerGuy1989]

Lucy I too am in my early 20's and live with daily bouts of anxiety, my biggest piece of advice for you is just keep thoughts positive when you can. My anxiety has always been there but it was really only after my sophomore year of college did it come out full force. My low point was being force to take this last semester off (spring 2012) because the anxiety was just so bad. I was able to find a good therapist and start an SSRI daily. I still have bad days and low points but I am staring to find a light of hope in managing my anxiety, I was able to transfer and get a new start, also I found getting a pet greatly help fight loneliness. If you need some one to vent too feel free to message me.

[lucy91]

Missmelo,

Hey, I can really relate to some of what you wrote. I was also grew up alone and that shaped me into a socially anxious person. I never had other kids to play with, no siblings, no cousins, no neighbours, after school the other kids went to a kindergarten-like place for the day but my parents always picked me up and brought me to my grandmother's house. That's how I lived all the way through my childhood; playing alone in a 65 year old's home. When I went to a different school at age 10 I was bullied by a girl who envied me for my good grades and it was hell, it lasted until I was 12. I also hid in the bathroom frequenly and I was VERY afraid of people in general. Everyone made fun of me and I jut wanted to disappear. When I went to junior high I met a group of nice people but I was way too unused to being around people anymore so I was a mess when it came to interaction. I liked to listen but simply stayed quiet. Three years later I went to high school and that's when we moved to a big city. I changed schools three times. I's always complain that people were not nice nor interesting and always went looking elsewhere. As a result, I never really created bonds. I went to college for a year, met my boyfriend, met a couple of nice people but then went to France. Met nobody in France as I was increasingly anxious and not able to start a conversation with classmates. I had this major anxiety crisis and came back to my parents' place. It was awful. I spent a full summer sitting home, with my parents thinking I was crazy. I visited shrinks and therapists and it took long to see the results. While everyone at age 20 was going out, enjoying summer and making friends, I was stuck at home complaining about what was going on in my head. I surfed the internet like crazy, looking for potential causes for my feelings and even thought I could have a terrible mental illness.

Then, the situation with my ex exploded. He was no longer answering my e-mails, I found out he had a new girlfriend, I was an idiot and sent that girl an anonymous email telling her he was a jerk. He found out he had been me, told her, told all of our friends that I a jealous, cowardly brat and I felt terrible. At home, I wasn't feeling home anymore, neither. My parents made me feel crazy, constantly telling me they feared I could have a severe mental illness too.

I asked for a transfer for a college in a different city and the SSRIs started to kick in, I begun feeling better. I quit therapy since I moved. I started trying to make friends in college but it was a big mess, I always had class with different people, there were no clubs nor societies to join and people didn't seem to hang out much outside. I asked a guy for notes and sent him an email thanking him and asking him out for coffee, explaining I was new in town. We went out several times, he became my boyfriend.

For a while I felt warmer and complete and only cared about him. I no longer felt the need for other people for a while, until I realized besides him, I had nobody else. Plus, he lived far away and was only here when he had class and I was still alone most of the time. He also started flirting online with some girl and I found out, I was obviously mad but didn't leave him for I had nobody else. At the time, I was also weaning off the SSRI for I was feeling stable again. When I did, I started getting stomach aches, frequent diarrhea, feeling generally terrible, down in the gutter... I went to see a doctor and she told me to go back to the meds but it was the SECOND time I had quit them and was trying to survive without them. I didn't even accept her prescription.

I went through a few months of feeling low, irritable, bored and rather depressed with my life when my OCD came. It was horrible and lasted a good few months until I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant. At the end of the OCD episode I was left with lots of anxiety and terror and finally went to get therapy and decided to make some lifechanges. I realised I didn't like the small town I was living in, here and applied to go back to France to try and get myself top education and maybe an international career. Miraculously got accepted but the anxiety is far from subsiding.

I need people to talk to, real life people, who I can bond with and trust. My boyfriend himself is not enough. Too much of a child, too concerned with his own life goals. Yesterday I asked him to come see me because I was feeling terrible but he told me he was busy playing the piano and that the piano was a priority. Plus, he lives an hour away and he didn't feel like jumping on a train just to come here and leave next morning. I didn't even have the energy to feel hurt, I know that I can't burden him when I'm down. I know that it's not his fault that I don't have any other friends and he can't be my saviour!

The thing is, he's the only living person I have a close relationship with, that makes me feel like never letting go of him but at the same time I realize I'd rather like to have someone in my life who's be more present, who's possibly live with me, stay with me in the long term, if not, just somebody I could call and that he'd go out with me when I NEED it, not on the scheduled and only weekday he comes here for class.

Things like this, actively wanting and looking for friends but not making any, being as lonely as I always was + a romantic relationship with a rather unhelpful guy makes me wonder whether I'll always be alone. I know at 22 I'm not yet expected to marry and have kids and settle down (and I'm afraid of such stability for the time being) but I wonder if I'll ever have that chance. After all, by getting married and meeting your in-laws you cut off with your loneliness in the sense that you always have somebody to come home to. I want something like that, one day. I'm dead scared of loneliness now, even if I'm writing this all alone in my room.

[missmello]

I know its hard to make friends, but its all about getting outside of your comfort zone. You've done it before, you asked your then bf out for coffee. thats great! You know you've been able to do it in the past, so you can most certainly do it again. You are still in college correct? Try talking to people in class, ask to compare notes, ask someone if they'd like to study with you, turn it into something fun. I know with social anxiety it is very hard to initiate conversation but you have to force yourself. It's scary sometimes, the fear of rejection, wondering what someone thinks of you, etc. But all of that is just fear, not reality. I know with me personally, I stay quiet for fear of looking or sounding stupid, afraid of embarrassing myself, and afraid someone won't like me. That's all in my head, NOT what the other person is thinking of me at all. Making friends is about being able to be silly together, not being afraid to embarrass yourself, and accepting eachother. Something I need to work on myself, and drill into my head. Most of the time people enjoy the fact that someone has taken interest in being their friend. So try to keep thinking about it in a positive way. It will happen.. with a little effort.