Breaking point

[Hannah_28]

I usually get one day off a week today is that day and its ruined was meant to be seeing my family but freaked out at the idea of leaving the house and just got of the phone from a screaming argument with my mum after which I broke down in tears on the floor I hate this I can't do it anymore I don't know what to do I'm terrified of the outside world and of going out and something triggering my anxiety/ocd I can't see any future for myself I'm pushing my family away for fear of them finding out exactly how much of a freak I am and I never socialise anymore as the idea is too much for me it's just me alone in my own head which is an even scarier place to be I'm worse than I've ever been I've always feared going out but never actually completely stopped like now I'm literally finished I can't go on like this but I can't see it ever changing for the better :(

[em1]

I usually get one day off a week today is that day and its ruined was meant to be seeing my family but freaked out at the idea of leaving the house and just got of the phone from a screaming argument with my mum after which I broke down in tears on the floor I hate this I can't do it anymore I don't know what to do I'm terrified of the outside world and of going out and something triggering my anxiety/ocd I can't see any future for myself I'm pushing my family away for fear of them finding out exactly how much of a freak I am and I never socialise anymore as the idea is too much for me it's just me alone in my own head which is an even scarier place to be I'm worse than I've ever been I've always feared going out but never actually completely stopped like now I'm literally finished I can't go on like this but I can't see it ever changing for the better :(

Hello Hannah oh you don't have to tell me how scary your mind can be I so know where your coming from,I'm so sorry your having a bad time at the moment,do you take any Medications?

[Hannah_28]

I'm only taking natural medication at the mo.

[em1]

I'm only taking natural medication at the mo.

Maybe go and talk to your Dr and ask if there is something that they can give you if you feel like you need it x

[locksey]

I usually get one day off a week today is that day and its ruined was meant to be seeing my family but freaked out at the idea of leaving the house and just got of the phone from a screaming argument with my mum after which I broke down in tears on the floor I hate this I can't do it anymore I don't know what to do I'm terrified of the outside world and of going out and something triggering my anxiety/ocd I can't see any future for myself I'm pushing my family away for fear of them finding out exactly how much of a freak I am and I never socialise anymore as the idea is too much for me it's just me alone in my own head which is an even scarier place to be I'm worse than I've ever been I've always feared going out but never actually completely stopped like now I'm literally finished I can't go on like this but I can't see it ever changing for the better :(

I have been at that point in my life on more than one occasion, the last time about 4/yrs bak wen I was not only more or less house bound but also bedroom bound , I started not wanting to leave my room , I was scared to wake up each day bcz I knew my day was attack after attack ... I had to hand my notice in at wrk at the time ( I was a shop manager ) but I've cum out the other side , yes I still get attacks but I'm not where I have been b4

U kan get out ov this and u will , not saying its easy but little by little ..

[locksey]

Maybe go and talk to your Dr and ask if there is something that they can give you if you feel like you need it x

Hey Em1 ... How are u doin ?

[em1]

Hey Em1 ... How are u doin ?

Hey locksey :) I'm going really well today think I know now why I've been feeling so bad the last two weeks as I had blood tests done Monday and they have showed up a Thyroid problem,my mum has the same thing and so does my nan,I hope this is why I been feeling so bad the last two weeks and I feel I can get better and back to the old me ASAP again,how are you?

[Hannah_28]

Medications have never work for me in the past I just want to die that's the only solution I can see that will work this is never completely going to end and I've all but lost my family and friends now. I've got nothing but my anxiety and that's destroying me.

[frankzito]

You know it seams, they always say anti depressants make people think about suicide or commit suicide. I don't think it's the medicine at all, anxiety itself is enough to make people miserable enough to do it. Not being negative towards anybody, was just thinking about it.

[locksey]

Hey locksey :) I'm going really well today think I know now why I've been feeling so bad the last two weeks as I had blood tests done Monday and they have showed up a Thyroid problem,my mum has the same thing and so does my nan,I hope this is why I been feeling so bad the last two weeks and I feel I can get better and back to the old me ASAP again,how are you?

That's good ( well, in a way I suppose ) ....l yeah I'm gd thanx :-)

[frankzito]

And I'm not condoning it either :-) I've just thought myself, if anxiety was nonstop without a break nobody could deal with it. We all probably think about it . I don't ever want to die though lol
Peace

[Hannah_28]

I just can't cope anymore.

[frankzito]

Please try medicine again?. I'm sure you know Xanax is good for it.? It does the trick for me when I sense it coming on. And I only take .25
Hope you feel better!

[Hannah_28]

I always feel like I've failed and ashamed that I have to take medication like I'm admitting people are right about me.

[frankzito]

I felt that way too. Until I had no choice . I plan on getting off of them someday.

[Hannah_28]

I don't know what to do if I go on meds I'm worried ill never get of them again I can't talk to anyone as my family are very much of the 'get a grip' school of thought.

[em1]

I always feel like I've failed and ashamed that I have to take medication like I'm admitting people are right about me.

I've only just stared taking anything and be4 I felt the same as you do but you know what why worry what other people think,you need to help yourself and if that's the only way right at this moment then please ask for some help on which would be best for you,we are all the same,there's no right or wrong in this it's everyone's Choice and decision x

[locksey]

I don't know what to do if I go on meds I'm worried ill never get of them again I can't talk to anyone as my family are very much of the 'get a grip' school of thought.

I've been on medication twice and both times weaned myself off them ( u can't just stop them )

[Hannah_28]

It's sounds weird but I've got so used to putting on a front that I even struggle to drop that front in front of my doc and make out that I'm ok really last time I went they basically said that waiting lists are too long so there was no point. And tried to take anxiety off my medical records because of the stigma.

[TylerNao]

You know it seams, they always say anti depressants make people think about suicide or commit suicide. I don't think it's the medicine at all, anxiety itself is enough to make people miserable enough to do it. Not being negative towards anybody, was just thinking about it.

That's soo true, i mean like i never had suicide thoughts NEVER but since this whole anxiety thing happened i just cant take it anymore. It's not because my Life is bad or something but the fact that its soo fu**** exhausting and makes you go crazy..... like literally u get crazy/negative thoughts the whole time. It's soo frustrating living with this :(

[TylerNao]

It's sounds weird but I've got so used to putting on a front that I even struggle to drop that front in front of my doc and make out that I'm ok really last time I went they basically said that waiting lists are too long so there was no point. And tried to take anxiety off my medical records because of the stigma.

Hey Hannah trust me i had the same feelings too, i just thought that i need to die because i cant handle this anymore, i want to live a normal life not worrying about non-sense stuff. The worst part is that i know that they are just thoughts but still my mind drives me crazy and im scared that someday im gonna do something stupid...
I will talk to my doctor about it, i will try to take natural supplements like magnesium, vitamin b and stuff like this because i dont wanna take anti depressants.

I hope everything will be good because seriously NO ONE deserved to feel like this, i wouldnt even wish this feeling to my worst enemy because i dont need to tell u how much anxiety can destroy you ....

[Hannah_28]

I know what you mean I want to go out and enjoy life I say I want to die because I'm exhausted and I've tried everything but get worse rather than better but really I just want it all to stop. i envy people who are happy go lucky and have good relationships with people. anxiety ruins lives I just want to go and stand on the top of a building and scream. I wish I could go back to being a kid when I was young and innocent and none of this bs had clouded my view of the world. I wish I could explain it to people it's so hard. I need sedating or something. It's good to know people understand here.

[chickenlimbo]

It's sounds weird but I've got so used to putting on a front that I even struggle to drop that front in front of my doc and make out that I'm ok really last time I went they basically said that waiting lists are too long so there was no point. And tried to take anxiety off my medical records because of the stigma.

I have that exact same problem. I feel like I have two sides to me: the dark frightened one that I see, and the bright happy weirdo others see. And I have anxiety about my anxiety. I'm extra sensitive to the idea of people finding out how painfully contorted with anxiety my mind is. Especially at work. I've been having the worst week of my life with my anxiety (why I joined this forum on Monday) but this morning I saw one of my higher-up bosses and put on such a fake smile that even my eyebrows felt like socking me. And WHY? I ask myself daily what the point is in pretending there's nothing wrong when my entire life is a struggle to feel ok for longer than a day at a time a few times a year. And in fact, my job deals largely with mental health so this is one of the most understanding places I could be! WHY DO I LIE TO MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE??

And yes, every time I go to a doctor, I go back into bright happy weirdo mode. I've had a couple doctors look at me like I was reading from a script and send me away with little to no advice, not even appearing to believe me. I find it absurd that only such a limited range of clinical presentation is valid to them. Do I have to be hunched over and crying involuntarily to prove I have depression? Do I need to be twitching and hyperventilating to prove I'm anxious? In fact, it even made me question that there was anything diagnosably wrong with me. Thankfully a lot of doctors are not like this.

I wish I had some advice for you but the urge to pretend nothing's wrong is so strong that I still haven't defeated the accompanying physical impulses like smiling and joking and nervously laughing. I do think it reflects my intense social anxiety though. I only have one "mode" around people I'm not close with and no matter how I'm feeling, I can only stick to that mode because it's the only way I know how to talk to people.
Maybe try keeping a journal where you are completely honest about your thoughts as you have them, and take that to your doctor. Tell him/her what you said here, that you have trouble opening up because of the front you normally put on around others. Good luck, I hope you find some relief soon.

[Hannah_28]

I'm dispraxic (another one to add to the list) so have struggled with journals in the past as even I myself struggle to read them afterwards. I'm described every day as such a happy outgoing person and outwardly I guess I can appear to be its inside that I'm a nervous twitching anxiety sufferer like you say I find it very hard to drop the persona I'm hiding behind if people at work knew its the kind of place that would judge me over it and I'd probably no longer have a job I'm pretty much now at the point where work takes it out of me so much that I only leave my flat to go to work I can't even face going to my parents house it's getting ridiculous I don't know how to make my docs believe me I honestly feel like this is it for the rest of my life part of why I'm no longer bothered about getting older as it means I'm another step closer to the end and can finally rest. I just wish I'd had different experiences growing up and I might've turned out more normal.