janey
06-07-2013, 12:28 PM
Most times, I'm sort of cheery and silly. I don't really like moping around or pulling myself into bad days. But sometimes when I am by myself, I sort of sit there and zone out...staring at the floor. I start thinking about reality and things I will have to face, but in particular I think about the people and animals around me dying and how it's very possible I will experience this within the next few years.
I sort of make this list in my head...and how likely it is for things to die. I feel like I will face many deaths at once.
My dog is 11, and I've had her since elementary school. We're very close companions and life would be horrible without her. She's doing quite well for her age, but I know she only has so long before she passes. I think about it a lot and I often whisper to her when I hold her, demanding that she lives forever.
My grandma is 87. She's really slowing up, and while she still lives on her own, I know a day will come when I call her house and she won't pick up. I'll walk over to her house and knock on her door, and there won't be an answer. She doesn't drive and depends on me to take her places, so I know she would be home. I open her door and call her name, no reply. I walk down the hallway and see her feet laying in her bed, and upon entering the room I see her laying lifeless.
My mom is 60. She spent her life smoking and drinking and eating poorly. She faces several health problems, and came very close to death in October from an aneurysm. She has COPD and uses an oxygen machine at night. I'm scared her COPD will kill her.
My dad is 56. He's had cancer 2 times before and survived. However, he is a chain smoker and a very severe alcoholic. He spends all of his time off drunk, even if it's 9am. He's also not afraid to drive drunk. He's falls regularly from intoxication, and has been found laying on the sidewalk bloody several times. It's not if, it's when will he truly put his life in danger while being intoxicated. He even blacked out while driving me to my birthday dinner and we went straight through a red light into an intersection only to keep going towards the river. One day I won't be there to prevent a situation.
My brother is 30. He's been in and out of jail and rehab throughout his whole life, being an alcoholic and a druggie. Last month, after coming out of jail, he ODed on heroin by snorting it. He died and was revived. If someone didn't find him and call 911 he would be dead right now. He snorted the heroin alone. He's ODed several times before, has crashed into a tree drunk on a mountain and is lucky to be alive, and he's been shot at by other druggies and has a knack for getting psychotic girlfriends, namely one who stabbed him with a knife. I fear one day he won't be so lucky and he will OD alone and never be found alive.
No one takes care of themselves. I know if I experience multiple family deaths, I will be depressed for the rest of my life and most likely commit suicide. I have very close bonds with all of them, in fact, I am a codependent. I often take care of them and I've been their guardian since I was a little girl. That's what makes this exceptionally awful: They are like my babies.
In a way, I feel like I am doomed to a sad existence. The only stable person in my life is my boyfriend of 8 years, and I know he would help me as much as he could to get through these things. But I fear it just won't be enough, it will be too tragic.
My conclusion is that life isn't fair, and the people with the biggest hearts are just doomed. It's like no one in my family really cares about how I feel, yet I spend my life caring so much about them.
I sort of make this list in my head...and how likely it is for things to die. I feel like I will face many deaths at once.
My dog is 11, and I've had her since elementary school. We're very close companions and life would be horrible without her. She's doing quite well for her age, but I know she only has so long before she passes. I think about it a lot and I often whisper to her when I hold her, demanding that she lives forever.
My grandma is 87. She's really slowing up, and while she still lives on her own, I know a day will come when I call her house and she won't pick up. I'll walk over to her house and knock on her door, and there won't be an answer. She doesn't drive and depends on me to take her places, so I know she would be home. I open her door and call her name, no reply. I walk down the hallway and see her feet laying in her bed, and upon entering the room I see her laying lifeless.
My mom is 60. She spent her life smoking and drinking and eating poorly. She faces several health problems, and came very close to death in October from an aneurysm. She has COPD and uses an oxygen machine at night. I'm scared her COPD will kill her.
My dad is 56. He's had cancer 2 times before and survived. However, he is a chain smoker and a very severe alcoholic. He spends all of his time off drunk, even if it's 9am. He's also not afraid to drive drunk. He's falls regularly from intoxication, and has been found laying on the sidewalk bloody several times. It's not if, it's when will he truly put his life in danger while being intoxicated. He even blacked out while driving me to my birthday dinner and we went straight through a red light into an intersection only to keep going towards the river. One day I won't be there to prevent a situation.
My brother is 30. He's been in and out of jail and rehab throughout his whole life, being an alcoholic and a druggie. Last month, after coming out of jail, he ODed on heroin by snorting it. He died and was revived. If someone didn't find him and call 911 he would be dead right now. He snorted the heroin alone. He's ODed several times before, has crashed into a tree drunk on a mountain and is lucky to be alive, and he's been shot at by other druggies and has a knack for getting psychotic girlfriends, namely one who stabbed him with a knife. I fear one day he won't be so lucky and he will OD alone and never be found alive.
No one takes care of themselves. I know if I experience multiple family deaths, I will be depressed for the rest of my life and most likely commit suicide. I have very close bonds with all of them, in fact, I am a codependent. I often take care of them and I've been their guardian since I was a little girl. That's what makes this exceptionally awful: They are like my babies.
In a way, I feel like I am doomed to a sad existence. The only stable person in my life is my boyfriend of 8 years, and I know he would help me as much as he could to get through these things. But I fear it just won't be enough, it will be too tragic.
My conclusion is that life isn't fair, and the people with the biggest hearts are just doomed. It's like no one in my family really cares about how I feel, yet I spend my life caring so much about them.