Why cant i recover:(

[ally]

I'm in a bad way again!!! 6 months of this now and just as I thought I was turning a small corner I'm back to square one, I feel so low, my anxiety is as bad as ever and I'm feeling really bad again with nausea, why won't this go away or at least platter out? I'm worried sick the meds I'm taking are not working and I'm now back taking more of the diazepram which I was trying to taper off, I'm now on 100 mg of quetiapine and 20 mg of escitalopram, last week I managed a few days away in our caravan but did feel a bit shaky at times, but in the main I was really good but now I'm as bad as ever:( why? I'm so fed up

[vonnhelsing]

yeah.. the thing is not to give up if it suddenly forces its way back into your life.
you're going to have times where you're feeling soooo great and anxiety free for weeks at a time and then suddenly BAM! it's back with a bang. it's very important not to go back to square one but to say to yourself look i've gone a long time feeling good im not going to let a bit of anxiety take me back to that hell again. it's a long road to recovery and even the tiniest hint of stress will let the anxiety come screaming back since we're already naturally over sensitive. let it pass and as time goes by your brain will realize that you are no longer unnerved by this and that this is no longer a threat to you and it will automatically rewire itself to deal with stressful situations normally again.

[ramman1505]

I too was just beginning to feel somewhat better until this last weekend when it was so hot out. I was outside playing and felt like I was going to pass out and had chest pains. I didn't want to be at the party anymore and went home. Then I checked my BP and it was up as well as my pulse. I am still trying to convince myself that this is simply anxiety. It is certainly frustrating but if there is anything positive I can take from my experiences it would be this. Everyday is a gift and thing I used to take for granted before are now much more appreciated and valued. I know its tough but we can do this!

[Judie]

I'm in a bad way again!!! 6 months of this now and just as I thought I was turning a small corner I'm back to square one, I feel so low, my anxiety is as bad as ever and I'm feeling really bad again with nausea, why won't this go away or at least platter out? I'm worried sick the meds I'm taking are not working and I'm now back taking more of the diazepram which I was trying to taper off, I'm now on 100 mg of quetiapine and 20 mg of escitalopram, last week I managed a few days away in our caravan but did feel a bit shaky at times, but in the main I was really good but now I'm as bad as ever:( why? I'm so fed up

Ally feeling really good about not having anxiety is really good BUT this is a very tricky disorder, although it's not really complicated. Developing an intense fear, whether it be of a Panic Attack, Social Situation or any Phobia ( Snakes, Spiders for example ) Those fears are so deeply embedded in our minds, just waiting for a reason any reason that it connects with to surface. Now this is just my opinion, but honestly I am pretty good at this stuff. So here we go - Weaning off of diazepam is tough ( it remains in your system for awhile and can throw out anxiety systems as part of the withdrawal ( this is temporary and will pass ) It is key that you withdraw very slowly and with plenty of relaxation. But here's what I think is "equally" as important, the minute any thought of anxiety, whether that be good or bad is allowed into your mind, you awaken a sleeping dragon ) You awaken the feelings of fear, compare this to a person afraid of snakes, they aren't going to abandon that fear because you say " most snakes are harmless " they need to repeatedly exposed to that fear until " they" come to that conclusion. Weaning off the diazepam, most likely way down deep in your thoughts or maybe not even that far down, you were concerned about symptoms perhaps returning ( giving power to the dragon, fuelling the anxiety) Is this ever going to stop ? Yes, it most definitely will and the worse case scenario in the future will be" if "the anxiety returns you will be able to quiet it. The most important reason for anxiety returning is your fear of it. Will you ever stop fearing it ? I believe you will with watch you need- repeated exposure to that fear, do not back down. Continue doing things like going away in your Caravan. The more you do this the better you will feel. Anxiety has a way of gripping us and controlling our thoughts, take back your thoughts, this is harmless. When you begin to feel that doom feeling say loudly and clearly in your head " STOP" and hear a door slamming and refocus your thoughts to something positive ( perhaps a time before the foolishness of anxiety ) Do this all the time when your thoughts go to a negative place, you need to retrain your brain away from a defeatist mindset. You control you, anxiety does not define you, it's simply a Fear of a " harmless attack ". This is your phobia, some people have snakes, you have Panic. Depression sometimes accompanies Panic when it resurfaces( this happened to me ) this is understandable after all the monkey on your back is back ! Who cares ? Get rid of him. Build your self esteem ( because your self esteem is taking a big hit right now, you feel defeated ) by standing up to the panic and dismissing it.take control by treating it like a Bully, stand up to it and ignore it. Both Bullies and Anxiety need a reaction to survive, shut them off. Trust me, I have walked this path. Be Well.

[ally]

Thank you:) I just had a small glimmer and this has really upset me, it's taken so long to just have even 1 day where I feel better so when I had a few I really thought I was on the mend, I'm stressing out over the tablets wondering if I should increase the quetiapine as I'm thinking maybe I need more, and I'm worrying I'm back taking more of the diazepram so am addicted:( and that I'm just drugging myself up, I have a stressful family life with no other support, hubby just doesn't understand and 3 kids 16, 12, and a 2 and half year old! what's really worrying me is the nausea that's back I've already lost 2 stone, I'm still waiting for CBT which is now 6 months after being told 12 weeks! I really am struggling to not let this take a hold of me as I just don't know how to stop it? I feel so lonely at times:(

[Judie]

I too was just beginning to feel somewhat better until this last weekend when it was so hot out. I was outside playing and felt like I was going to pass out and had chest pains. I didn't want to be at the party anymore and went home. Then I checked my BP and it was up as well as my pulse. I am still trying to convince myself that this is simply anxiety. It is certainly frustrating but if there is anything positive I can take from my experiences it would be this. Everyday is a gift and thing I used to take for granted before are now much more appreciated and valued. I know its tough but we can do this!

Hi ramman1505, Please read the post to ally, it applies to you as well. Thoughts, especially in a Social Situation have a way of creeping in. Everyone needs to get to a place of no longer fearing the attack. For instance a brother who knows they can scare you, will keep doing it over and over again. After all he got the reaction he wanted Panic is like that as well. No reaction, it will go away. You're right everyday is a gift, so enjoy it because you are not going anywhere :)

[ally]

Thank you Judie, sorry your reply seem to appear after I responded! it makes a lot of sense what you say and put I just wish I had the no how to do it and keep doing it, I've beaten myself up today over the Valium as I didn't want to take the full 5 mg as I'd got down to 2.5mg I still don't know if I'm doing it properly and have had no advice, the same with my other tablets? Its down to me to guess which doesn't seem right?

[Lin]

It is so easy to think moved forward one day and feel better and next gone right down low again. Good to keep a mood diary because sometimes you can look back and see the week has not been as bad as thought. Any glimmer of hope helps, but easy to quickly lose that hope and be down again.

[Judie]

Thank you:) I just had a small glimmer and this has really upset me, it's taken so long to just have even 1 day where I feel better so when I had a few I really thought I was on the mend, I'm stressing out over the tablets wondering if I should increase the quetiapine as I'm thinking maybe I need more, and I'm worrying I'm back taking more of the diazepram so am addicted:( and that I'm just drugging myself up, I have a stressful family life with no other support, hubby just doesn't understand and 3 kids 16, 12, and a 2 and half year old! what's really worrying me is the nausea that's back I've already lost 2 stone, I'm still waiting for CBT which is now 6 months after being told 12 weeks! I really am struggling to not let this take a hold of me as I just don't know how to stop it? I feel so lonely at times:(

You're not alone Ally, we are all here with you. Setbacks are horrendous and I actually had a therapist say to me years ago " Everyone needs a support system and you have none " Horrible to hear those words. I have since married and my husband is a great support system as well as my daughter. But after my mom died my siblings gave me a run, very very tough. Two brothers, one mentally ill with anger issues ( directed at me) and the other an opiate addict/alcoholic ( also anger directed at me, verbal abuse). Times were horrible. Lots of life struggles but things do have a way of turning around. So you have the teen and the 2 year old " ouch" lol, I too had that ( stepchildren ( who lived with us ) were 14 and 16 when my daughter was born. If you tell me your 16 year old is a girl, I'll throw in the towel, lol, those years are rough !!! I would rather personally see you up the dose of an antidepressant then become too dependent on the diazepram. The thing is about tranquillizers the tend to have a real kickback, they work wonderfully at the moment but later they tend to increase the anxiety, you begin to make more for the same effect. Ok the Panic came back most likely because your mind was negative, hard not to be at times with 3 kids, something is always up. My suggestion to you is to get an Iphone APP called Relax and Rest ( it's free !), listen to that when you get a few minutes. This will calm your system, In addition I use 2,000 mg of fish oil and magnesium and Vitamin B's. All of these work effectively at calming your system.If you don't have an Iphone, Google Relaxation CD, you may be able to get a free Download. When my Panic surfaced I steadily lost 30 lbs went from 120 Lbs to about 90-95. I worked in a restaurant at the time, and my boss/owner was a friend of mine. He said I could order anything I wanted off the menu every night. I didn't, I couldn't eat a thing the ambulance that was called to the house said, you have got to eat, your blood sugar is off. I still couldn't, it was such a struggle. What I finally did "just to get get calories" was stuff desserts in my mouth, it worked and weight started to slowly climb up. Nibble on Nuts and bananas ( both are loaded with magnesium and bananas. The loss of appetite is really normal with anxiety. Adrenaline is raging, very hard not to feel nauseous. How to stop it... is to stop the Negative thoughts anyway you can. Any fears you have about symptoms you have, we can help you with. You do have a support system, you can PM me any time you need a boost of confidence. Be Well

[Judie]

It is so easy to think moved forward one day and feel better and next gone right down low again. Good to keep a mood diary because sometimes you can look back and see the week has not been as bad as thought. Any glimmer of hope helps, but easy to quickly lose that hope and be down again.
I hope you're doing well Lin, with work and all. Stay positive, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Lin]

Thanks Judie. I am still really struggling with the pressure at work and now feels personal rather than about my work so don't know how to handle. My mental health nurse has a meeting with me and occupational health manager tomorrow so hoping they will advise me what to do. Not sure if it is kindness or trying to push me over the edge but hoping they will be able to assess and help me.
Also gynae problems still going on and now have urgent appointment with gynaecologist on Friday and not sure what going to do about operation I had in April.
All too much and struggling to handle it all i am getting so low at times.

[ally]

I'm feeling so terrible can barely write this, the anxiety is so high this morning, I feel so tired but can't rest or relax because I'm so agitated, really bad and shaking,feel so scared, the nausea is so bad, I'm struggling should I take a diazepram? Can't believe all this, this time last week we were going away in our caravan now I'm so bad again, why?

[ally]

Ended up taking a Valium but its not helped, I'm so agitated too, and nauseaous, can't believe I'm this bad again, I'm so shaky and scared,my husband has lost all his patience with me, and I feel so guilty about being like this, I was so much more better last week? I can't rest or relax because I'm so agitated:( help someone please

[em1]

Ended up taking a Valium but its not helped, I'm so agitated too, and nauseaous, can't believe I'm this bad again, I'm so shaky and scared,my husband has lost all his patience with me, and I feel so guilty about being like this, I was so much more better last week? I can't rest or relax because I'm so agitated:( help someone please

Hello I'm new to this page,I'm a long time Suffer to I have two little ones age 5 and 3 I'm married to and all I get out of my husband is get a grip and why do you have Anxiety and Panic attacks when nothing has ever happened to you,which is true (but it don't stop the Constant anxiety and panic)I've been put on sertraline 50g once a day and was on Propanolol 10g three times aday,I hate the Constant thoughts in my head (what if I hurt my family and get put in to Prison is that latest one and has drove me on the edge of Extreme panics,does anyone else have crazy thoughts? My family are my all and I hate it so much I just want to live happy without this 😔

[Judie]

Hi Ally, I sent you a PM but you have to delete some of your messages ( bottom right corner under actions, click on that, check some messages and delete OK. Hang in there, you're fuelling the anxiety with your thoughts. I get that you are scared but there is nothing to be afraid of. I sent you a long message, go get it : ) Read em1 one's post. I want all of you to read each other's posts. They are all coming from a negative defeatist ( I'll never get rid of this ) angle and the ones that are making progress still are drawn back in by the symptoms. We all need to work really really hard at changing our mindsets. No one is going to die, no one is going to prison, no one is going to the Loony Bin. What we are going to do is get better, now or later and that time frame is all going to come down to a healthy restructuring of our thoughts. All of us are going to go from Negative to Positive. I spent years learning about this Disorder and years wasted in feeling lousy a lot of time. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is rooted in Negative Thought. Negative Thoughts got us in trouble to begin whether that was grief, nervousness over a health issue, injured self esteem, overwhelmed by work and family, whatever reason it was it was Negative Thought that got us here. That Negative Thought caused that first attack, that first attack caused fear, so now we have Negative thought with the intense emotion of fear sprinkled all over it ( now there's way too much damn seasoning, now nothing tastes remotely good ) I learned that a long long time ago what I didn't realize "at the time" was that the NEGATIVE got me in and the POSITIVE could get me out. We all assume when we are consumed with Negative thoughts, that we can't escape them. I thought that too, not any more. The problem with Panic Disorder is it's a double whammy, you need to conquer negativity and fear. First you need to believe that these symptoms are nothing, harmless adrenaline free floating through your system igniting more fear, let it go ) First we tackle that and then how about if we all support each other in Positive thought ? I know this is the one sure way to put anxiety to rest. You can fix this, we got ourselves in and we can get ourselves out. Think of your thoughts like gasoline for a car,if you put in high quality ( premium- positive thoughts ) fuel you'll get a far better ride then if you put in( low grade- less positive or negative thought). It's simple, just hard work changing something we have done for awhile ( Negative Thought ) Be Well. Please give this just a bit of thought. Ally you felt better last weekend because your thoughts were positive ( caravan etc...) Ally try some magnesium, and get the book I mentioned in the PM

[Judie]

Thanks Judie. I am still really struggling with the pressure at work and now feels personal rather than about my work so don't know how to handle. My mental health nurse has a meeting with me and occupational health manager tomorrow so hoping they will advise me what to do. Not sure if it is kindness or trying to push me over the edge but hoping they will be able to assess and help me.
Also gynae problems still going on and now have urgent appointment with gynaecologist on Friday and not sure what going to do about operation I had in April.
All too much and struggling to handle it all i am getting so low at times.

Well that's horrible. Given that you have to deal with work and physical problems as well. it's hard to remain focused on the Positive. How are the retreats, helpful at all ?

[ally]

Hi Judie I've deleted some messages but not received yours? I'm in such a bad way, thank you could you try again please, I'm feeling at such a loss and don't know what to do about the medications in taking? x

[em1]

Thank you for your message, Negative and crazy thoughts scare the hell out of me,I've never felt like this in my life x

[em1]

Oh and hello by the way lol I'm Emma x

[ally]

Hi Emma I feel for you I have been suffering so long now and then last week thought I was turning a corner but I'm really bad again so it's been horrendous today:( x

[em1]

Hi Emma I feel for you I have been suffering so long now and then last week thought I was turning a corner but I'm really bad again so it's been horrendous today:( x

Believe me I so know where your coming from,no matter how much you tell yourself it's going to be ok your panic more,I know this will get better in time,are you on any Meds?

[ally]

Hi Emma yes I'm on escitalopram 20 mg and lately quetiapine which I now take 100mg of, also diazepram which I was trying to taper off but today I've ended up taking more of again:( now I'm worrying things aren't working, I've had such conflicting advice:( how about you? No one fully understands all this unless they have it or have suffered it, I'm really struggling x

[Judie]

Hi Emma yes I'm on escitalopram 20 mg and lately quetiapine which I now take 100mg of, also diazepram which I was trying to taper off but today I've ended up taking more of again:( now I'm worrying things aren't working, I've had such conflicting advice:( how about you? No one fully understands all this unless they have it or have suffered it, I'm really struggling x
Yes conflicting advice is very tough. When I first diagnosed it was tough, I was terrified of meds so I didn't take any. Ten years later it resurfaced and I started on a low dose of an SSRI. I think SSRI's are a blessing with this disorder as they allow you to regain your strength and health while learning about the triggers, especially your mindset and how that can be changed (Negative to Positive ) . About the tranquilizers the one sure bet in getting rid of a Panic Attack. I think these should be used in moderation ( try carrying one in your pocket as a security blanket, you'll know it's there if you need it but you will gain strength and confidence as you learn how to deep breathe, relax, face the anxiety and change your thoughts ) You need to fully know and understand that you control your mind, not anxiety. It's a tough go, especially if you are getting battered by stress or grief. Initially until the antidepressant begins to work, the Ativan may be a saving grace to get some sleep but use as needed, that doesn't mean all the time. Be Well. I sent you PM and will answer anyone I get as soon as I can. U.S time here so keep that in mind X Be Well

[ally]

Hi Judie thank you for your messages, today's been really tough, saw my dr who is very frustrated with the mental health team, he is annoyed their care is letting me down and was going to get them to ring me, but I heard nothing, we've changed the seroquel to seroquel XL which is meant to be longer lasting? Still the same dose, and he's said the escitalopram can't be increased as its at it's max, he's told me to take the Valium as I need it and not too worry, but I do because I worry about the dependency on it but I'm so bad at the moment I don't think I have a choice, I'm so disappointed I'm feeling like this after last week was better I just didn't see it coming back till I felt a bit funny on the Saturday and then all this followed on the Monday etc, till I'm as bad as this, it's really bad I felt like I was having a break down I couldn't stop crying all day, and barely eaten because felt so sick and shaky:(

[Lin]

Ally hope you are coping a bit better now and tablets and any other techniques you are using are making you moire calm. It is rotten when go forwards and then back again, sometimes feels worse than if just stayed bad, but I think sometimes every little step forward helps even if doesn't feel like it does when we relapse. Keeping a diary so you can look back and read about the good bits really helps and reminds you not all bad days.
Julie - retreat not so good this time. Course was not good, niggled with husband constantly who had come for first time, and worried about my son whole time who had been sent home day before retreat from uni with suspected mumps. Luckily retreat near enough from home for husband to go home to sleep two nights so could check on son and I got a break on own too. Going again on my own in 2 weeks for two nights so hoping course going to be good and going on own will work like it did last year, Hope you are OK Judie. I am still struggling with new boss and hormones so not doing well at moment.

[Lin]

Ally I recently had to change my mental health nurse because she was not giving me the support I needed. It was very hard to do because had to write a letter to her manager and then meet him. But worked out good and now have really good nurse who helps me in the way I need. The manager said that sometimes the way people work does not always work for some people. So don't worry about having a change, and I hope the change helps you. The crisis team I ring when desperate told me when nurse not helping and they said they were going to put in a complaint and asked me to do so too. My letter was more factual han complaint and the manager acknowledged that it had not been easy for me to do but when he had read my file he realised I needed much different help and support than was getting.

[Judie]

Hi Judie thank you for your messages, today's been really tough, saw my dr who is very frustrated with the mental health team, he is annoyed their care is letting me down and was going to get them to ring me, but I heard nothing, we've changed the seroquel to seroquel XL which is meant to be longer lasting? Still the same dose, and he's said the escitalopram can't be increased as its at it's max, he's told me to take the Valium as I need it and not too worry, but I do because I worry about the dependency on it but I'm so bad at the moment I don't think I have a choice, I'm so disappointed I'm feeling like this after last week was better I just didn't see it coming back till I felt a bit funny on the Saturday and then all this followed on the Monday etc, till I'm as bad as this, it's really bad I felt like I was having a break down I couldn't stop crying all day, and barely eaten because felt so sick and shaky:(

Don't worry Ally, you'll be ok do what ever you have to to get through this phase. Don't worry about the dependency, you don't seem like the type of woman that will allow this to happen. Those meds are there for a reason and they are extremely helpful in an Acute phase. Wrap yourself up in a blanket, breathe easy and sip on some broth X keep me posted.

[ally]

Help I'm just so bad again it's not going, I'm so shaky, crying all the time, I feel so very desperate I'm scared really scared

[em1]

Hello ally I've been bad 24/7 for a week now I know how you feel Hun I want to wake up and be normal again

[ally]

Hi em1 sorry your so bad too, how long have you had your problems? Is it anxiety and depression too? What symptoms do you get? I've had a terrible day again, I'm so low and the anxiety is so bad I took the newer seroquel XL last night but I was so tired all day it was horrendous, I hope this settles as I could barely function and then having to take the Valium too I was wiped out but not able to rest because I still had the agitation and anxiousness, the Valium didn't relieve it at all, I've felt sick all day:( I'm starting to wonder if these tablets are really helping the problem as they are a psychotic drug? I was told they can be used as an add on to the escitalopram and as I said last week I thought I was improving but now I'm like this all over again? So I doubt the tablets are working and that's why I panic? I'm thinking the same about these newer ones because they are meant to be longer lasting but god today I've just been exhausted? Does anyone else know if this will settle? x

[em1]

Hello ally I've had mine for about 21 years on and off,I've had a Miscarriage,eptopic Pregnancy and I lost my dad three years ago,I went to the docs last week as my Panic attacks got so bad,I was only taking 30g of Propanolol and it was not doing anything,I kept on thinking I was going out of my mind,I kept on thinking what if I hurt my kids and go in prison,(why I thought that I don't know) my kids are my whole life without them I think I would have given up hope,she said I've been though so much and it's hard being a mummy and she give me 50g sertraline and I also still take my propranolol,I've only been on it for four days and so I have got a long road untill I feel me again,one day at a time I tell myself,I think you need to give it time for your Meds to kick in as they take a while tho if your like me you want to feel better yesterday x

[ally]

Hi poor you you've been through a lot, I too have, I lost my amazing dad 16 years ago just as I was carrying my first son Alex, he was born after my dad died but 6 weeks prem, I never got over loosing my dad to cancer and since then my health anxiety started, my first marriage ended after my daughter was turned 4, I lost my home had huge debts, and then lots of other stuff happened, I found out I had a brother when I was 30 my mum had given away and he and his family moved up here but it went wrong with my mum, I met Gary but it wasn't easy and then a silly fall out with my mum n sister has seen them turn their backs on me as I was pregnant with Charlie he's now 2 and a half and they've never seen him, I've tried but she doesn't want to know, I've been rejected and it's badly effected me:( then last feb on my bday I lost a baby after loosing the other one a few weeks before because I was carrying twins, it was horrendous, I've very little other family and friends have not been the friends I thought since all this happened at Xmas, I was on anti depressants and thought they were working as been on them for 5 years, my mental health has been bad now for well over 12 years. I was put on some other meds and under a psychiatrist but didn't get on well with the tablets so went back on my old ones and then a newer version so lots of changes, alongside the Valium, and more recently the seroquel but now I'm on that but a different type, I really feel bad again tho, last week I was turning a corner I thought and we even had some time away in our caravan but while away I started to feel bad and it's got worse and worse? I'm not sure what to think about these tablets I hate the way I'm feeling on them but I worry how bad I'll be without? my gp didn't really want me on the seroquel and that made me nervous, but I'm trying to trust the mental health team however they are not the best, don't phone when asked too, the nurse I see is pretty useless just makes unhelpful comments like you need to try harder, fight it more, she isnt sympathetic at all, I'm really struggling and have horrible dark thoughts which I can't control, my kids are my world but the state I'm in I find it so hard to engage and enjoy them, and I feel so guilty, but it's so hard especially when I can barley function, I can't understand how this has got as bad again after thinking I was making some progress? It's really rocked and upset me so badly, and I worry I will not recover, my husband isn't very understanding and in fact has threatened to leave me taking our 2 year old, at times it's so bad here, and whilst I do see how hard it is on him and the kids he doesn't see how hard it is for me and thinks I can just sort my head out!! sorry for the long reply I've more really! I hope and pray I will turn a corner again and stay there it frightens me so much, and I hope you do too, here for you x x

[em1]

God your husbands like mine he tells me to snap out of it to,(like if I could do you think I would ever want to feel like this) yes I know what you are saying about having dark thoughts they scare me and make me panic so much,I'm such a loving person and I thank god what I have and so wish that I could have this taken away From me so I can enjoy what I've been given in life,I know my dad is watching over me as he knows I need him so much right now,message me
Anytime in my inbox :)

[Judie]

Thank you Judie, sorry your reply seem to appear after I responded! it makes a lot of sense what you say and put I just wish I had the no how to do it and keep doing it, I've beaten myself up today over the Valium as I didn't want to take the full 5 mg as I'd got down to 2.5mg I still don't know if I'm doing it properly and have had no advice, the same with my other tablets? Its down to me to guess which doesn't seem right?

Ally if you need to take the 5 mg take that to get some rest, you can wean back again. Stop being so hard on yourself. Like I said treat yourself the same way you would treat anyone that was feeling lousy, you would comfort them correct ? Then comfort yourself. Positive Thoughts, even wrapping yourself up in blanket, sipping some broth encourages warm soothing thoughts. Feel Better X

[Judie]

God your husbands like mine he tells me to snap out of it to,(like if I could do you think I would ever want to feel like this) yes I know what you are saying about having dark thoughts they scare me and make me panic so much,I'm such a loving person and I thank god what I have and so wish that I could have this taken away From me so I can enjoy what I've been given in life,I know my dad is watching over me as he knows I need him so much right now,message me
Anytime in my inbox :)

em1 Hang in there, That's just it your dad is watching out for you. Loving people are the ones that get in trouble with this disorder because they often miss warning signs ( because they are caring for others) that stress is too much and overwhelming negative thoughts creep in. Everyone really needs to get in touch with their thoughts. Learn to recognize negative thoughts and then quickly switch those thoughts to positive. Everyone ( I know I did ) always assumes that they have no control over the Negative aspects of their lives and their thoughts BUT they do. For example sometimes accepting that things do in fact happen for a reason,this Forums for example, how did you happen to think to search one out ?. Perhaps the reason was because here you would find support, perhaps Dad indeed working his magic ? Releasing control over every aspect of life is healthy, because life in in fact is uncontrollable, trusting that there are reasons behind every person, every thing that comes into your life is a good thing and that there are countless lessons to learn. Anxiety is perhaps just one of those things that are meant to happen to cause you to truly come to terms with who you are, what you want and perhaps even more importantly what you need. I am very familiar with this disorder and I know that there are countless reasons for anxiety to surafce and I also know all to well that negative thought fuels this and positive thought extinguishes it. No more thoughts like " If " I get better those thoughts should be " When" I get better. Use whatever method RX Meds, therapy whatever...just know that you need to get to a positive place where YOU control the amount of negative you let in :) Be Well

[Judie]

Hi poor you you've been through a lot, I too have, I lost my amazing dad 16 years ago just as I was carrying my first son Alex, he was born after my dad died but 6 weeks prem, I never got over loosing my dad to cancer and since then my health anxiety started, my first marriage ended after my daughter was turned 4, I lost my home had huge debts, and then lots of other stuff happened, I found out I had a brother when I was 30 my mum had given away and he and his family moved up here but it went wrong with my mum, I met Gary but it wasn't easy and then a silly fall out with my mum n sister has seen them turn their backs on me as I was pregnant with Charlie he's now 2 and a half and they've never seen him, I've tried but she doesn't want to know, I've been rejected and it's badly effected me:( then last feb on my bday I lost a baby after loosing the other one a few weeks before because I was carrying twins, it was horrendous, I've very little other family and friends have not been the friends I thought since all this happened at Xmas, I was on anti depressants and thought they were working as been on them for 5 years, my mental health has been bad now for well over 12 years. I was put on some other meds and under a psychiatrist but didn't get on well with the tablets so went back on my old ones and then a newer version so lots of changes, alongside the Valium, and more recently the seroquel but now I'm on that but a different type, I really feel bad again tho, last week I was turning a corner I thought and we even had some time away in our caravan but while away I started to feel bad and it's got worse and worse? I'm not sure what to think about these tablets I hate the way I'm feeling on them but I worry how bad I'll be without? my gp didn't really want me on the seroquel and that made me nervous, but I'm trying to trust the mental health team however they are not the best, don't phone when asked too, the nurse I see is pretty useless just makes unhelpful comments like you need to try harder, fight it more, she isnt sympathetic at all, I'm really struggling and have horrible dark thoughts which I can't control, my kids are my world but the state I'm in I find it so hard to engage and enjoy them, and I feel so guilty, but it's so hard especially when I can barley function, I can't understand how this has got as bad again after thinking I was making some progress? It's really rocked and upset me so badly, and I worry I will not recover, my husband isn't very understanding and in fact has threatened to leave me taking our 2 year old, at times it's so bad here, and whilst I do see how hard it is on him and the kids he doesn't see how hard it is for me and thinks I can just sort my head out!! sorry for the long reply I've more really! I hope and pray I will turn a corner again and stay there it frightens me so much, and I hope you do too, here for you x x

Ally, Well now that you've shared a bit more I can see how your struggles with anxiety have been fuelled by what's going on. I had a " sister" turn up when I was 24, so I understand a bit about that struggle. I am estranged from my brother and stepson as well so I guess I understand that plight as well. Also suffered a miscarriage and that damn near killed me. Also lost my mom to cancer so I guess we share many of the same issues ? As well as the fact that you have a blended family, I do as well, maybe you are me ? LOL Most probably your Anxiety resurfaces because those original negative feeling are still hanging around in your head. It's a tough battle hard to let go of grief ( the miscarriages) and family issues, especially when it concerns our immediate family ( Parents and Children ) Mothers are always " supposed" to be there for us so when we become estranged it's especially difficult. Maybe you could pm and tell me a little about that falling out. Maybe it's time to let that go. I have always had a difficult time " forgiving" those that have really hurt me, comments like " if I am in the same shape as you at 30, I hope someone kills me" ring through my brain to this day ( THAT IS IF I ALLOW THAT). Anyway recently I have learned through that book that I am reading that you can forgive someone, which releases all that anxiety/depression energy by saying " I forgive you for not being the person( mother, husband, son daughter, friend etc..) that I wanted you to be". This allows you to release the negative feelings of resentment without actually forgiving the act, you take responsibility for your expectations. It takes responsibility by saying " I " that puts you in charge of the negative ( and that means you are also in charge of the positive, forgiving them because they did not meet your expectations...I wouldn't advise saying this to anyone LOL but would be really good if you could reach that mindset. I am working on mine. Feel Better. Positive Thoughts. I know it's a struggle but I am working on it as well <3

[em1]

Thanks judie I've only had the same scary thoughts in my head all week and it driving me
Mad,I don't even know why I'm having these thoughts,(they scare the hell out of me and I just can't sleep eat or rest,i feel like in going crazy(tho I know I'm not)I'm kind loving and my family comes first,I've never been in Meds untill now,I've lost so much weight in the last week it's crazy,I have been a long term suffer for years but the fear was allways dieing myself now I wish is was that as Its now made me think I know I'm not going to die as it's just a panic,(crazy right)

[ally]

Hi Em poor you I've been the same, a complete mess, I don't know what I'm going to do to get through all this, I've been sick today? nausea all day, shaking and crying, I look at my little boy and the guilt I feel for not being well enough to enjoy me is killing me so much, I'm so bad it's so unfair I'm scared of never getting well and being on horrible medication all my life:( I'm thinking of you x

[em1]

Hello ally yes I know just what you mean,I think I feel so much guilt to in having such bad thoughts,I want to slap myself and say you have one life with your baby's so live it you know,I want to go back to last week when I was fine and happy being me and doing normal day to day things

[Judie]

Thanks judie I've only had the same scary thoughts in my head all week and it driving me
Mad,I don't even know why I'm having these thoughts,(they scare the hell out of me and I just can't sleep eat or rest,i feel like in going crazy(tho I know I'm not)I'm kind loving and my family comes first,I've never been in Meds untill now,I've lost so much weight in the last week it's crazy,I have been a long term suffer for years but the fear was allways dieing myself now I wish is was that as Its now made me think I know I'm not going to die as it's just a panic,(crazy right)
Hi em1, You know this disorder is very weird actually fascinating if we weren't the ones under attack right. Here's what I think as time goes on people who suffer Panic begin to realize it's Panic. Now the Anxiety ( the fear ) begins to get frustrated it can't quite get the reaction it wants " that you are dying". So what it does is shift gears, it can't any longer fully convince you that you are physically sick so it begins to manifest ( create) fear of losing your mind by throwing out bizarre thoughts of hurting your children. Guess what it's working so what you truly need to do is work extra hard to change those thought patterns. This is a true story what anxiety has taught me above anything else is to get to know myself, my thoughts, my fears and why they are happening. When my daughter was a baby these random thoughts kept popping into my head of something happening to her, and even me hurting her. It was so bizarre and I like you am a caretaker by nature and love children and my own beyond the world. So why was this happening ? You qustion your sanity,I thought about it and knew that something happening to her was in fact my greatest fear. Being a mother and perhaps at times, like yourself, feeling that you weren't 100% on your game ( you most likely are, just don't believe that because of the self doubt that most anxiety sufferers have) your anxiety is feeding off of the Negative Thoughts. It's loving this trust me....The reality is the very idea that you are having these thoughts about hurting your children and fearing that is a reflection of how much you love them. DO NOT let Anxiety trip you up. Miscarriages are horrible, I suffered one. Trust me this is most probably at the root of the horrible thoughts. We as woman take on a lot of guilt after losing a baby. We are mothers long before that baby arrives. When I had my miscarriage I sat and cried for days and kept saying I'm sorry over and over again. What happened to you had nothing to do with you, just like mine it was just one of those lousy things that happen in life. Let go of this em1. Your children have a wonderful loving mum. Focus on good thoughts. X

[Judie]

Hello ally yes I know just what you mean,I think I feel so much guilt to in having such bad thoughts,I want to slap myself and say you have one life with your baby's so live it you know,I want to go back to last week when I was fine and happy being me and doing normal day to day things

Are you coming up on an anniversary of your miscarriages or perhaps when that baby would have been due ? Sometimes subconscious things really trip us up. Be Well , I will be keeping an eye on you and Ally. X

[em1]

No I don't think so,but the doc said I've been through alot in the last five years I also lost my dad three years ago so I think it's maybe just all got on top of each other and then bam just hit me all x

[ally]

I was told it can be a build up and that not always happen at the times we are in it but later on, anxiety is so cruel isn't it and creeps up to get you, I should be use to these horrible symptoms by now but I'm still scared of them and can't fight them, I've been waiting for over 6 months for CBT, was told only be 3? I'm just in torment, I too just want to be as normal as pods and enjoy my kids, I'm so sad:( x

[Judie]

No I don't think so,but the doc said I've been through alot in the last five years I also lost my dad three years ago so I think it's maybe just all got on top of each other and then bam just hit me all x

That's exactly what happened. In life we never trip on a boulder, we trip on the continuous grains of sands that create the boulder. When you miscarried you most likely really wanted your dad's comfort and he wasn't there. Grief takes a full five years to run its course. With my mom it went like this first year ok ( shock) second year ( Panic Disorder surfaces) Third year was rough, many believe this is the hardest year. Being a mum and going through the miscarriages your focus was away from the grief you had about losing your dad ( understandably so your thoughts were somewhere else) This is called repressed grief ( you bury the overwhelming sadness you feel about the loss of your Dad) Eventually that grief "has" to surface, I think perhaps the Panic is just that grief ( depression) making itself known. This is what happened to me and happens to countless people. You lost your dad, the dreams you had of other babies you lost, and tremendous fluctuating hormones. You aren't crazy, you are very normal. This is what happens when people are overwhelmed by life. You will get better, trust me I know. Be Well and give yourself just a little teeny break ok. X

[Judie]

I was told it can be a build up and that not always happen at the times we are in it but later on, anxiety is so cruel isn't it and creeps up to get you, I should be use to these horrible symptoms by now but I'm still scared of them and can't fight them, I've been waiting for over 6 months for CBT, was told only be 3? I'm just in torment, I too just want to be as normal as pods and enjoy my kids, I'm so sad:( x

Yes that is exactly how Anxiety works, my attacks always surfaced months after trauma. I don't know if anxiety is cruel as much as it is an example OF CAUSE and EFFECT. Things happen and our minds and bodies react. I think this is why it's important to focus on the good in our lives as much as we can. Anxiety Sufferers, all of us go to a Negative Place ( because that is what we have become familiar with ). In life if you come from a " good" place then you never should regret anything and just love your family and friends. Be Well, talk soon

[jessy]

Hi Ally , I can't p.m you as your inbox is to full . I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts . I do hope you are getting on a bit better huni
Love & hugs xxx

[ally]

Hi sorry I'm having lots of trouble with phone!! thank you for thinking of me, I have been if you too? I was having some better days but today is awful again, I'm so agitated, tired and panicky it's horrible, had an appt with psychiatrist but he's now on about putting me on lithium something I'm not liking the sounds of, i will try to delete some messages in my inbox? I feel so low again, I really thought I was turning a corner:( how are you doing? xx

[ally]

Hi I've also deleted some in box messages now so hopefully I can get them, I'm in a bad way after doing better, can't understand it at all? :-(

[Lin]

Ally
So sorry you are suffering at moment, I am too and don't know how to get out of big black hole I am in.
Why does this happen and we can't put it right?
Lin

[ally]

Hi Lin, sorry you are too, what symptoms do you get? I'm in a really bad way again, I'd been doing better but it's all back and I'm sinking with this, got terrible sickness, shakiness non stop and palpitations all the time, I can't stop crying, I'm taking the Valium only 2.5mg but its not doing anything, I just feel so drowsy and wobbly, I'm so scared of all this again:(