nikkabean326
06-02-2013, 02:44 PM
Hey there, everyone. I'm brand new to this site and thought I'd take a moment to jot down what I've been feeling.
I am no stranger to depression. There are months where I am completely satisfied in my life. I'm as happy as can be. Then there are seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc.. where I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day long.
Here's a bit of a back story. I hated high school with a passion. I discovered the thrill and release of cutting which I did for a while until my parents found out. I went to a therapist once, cried throughout the entire session and vowed never to return. The cutting stopped abruptly. At that time I thought it may have just been a cry for help. I still think it was. I ended up dropping out of school and getting my GED. Fast forward about six years. I met this wonderful man online who lived in a different state. After two years of long distance I packed my bags, left the comfort of home and moved in with him. I went through a pretty serious case of depression when I moved. He was unhappy because I was unhappy and I was unhappy because I was making him unhappy.. etc. Things got better once I started working again. After a year I decided I wasn't being given the appropriate amount of pay or hours. In January I started working at a pretty competitive cable company as a call center customer service representative.. and here is where my story begins.
On the surface this job is a dream. It has wonderful pay. Amazing benefits. Two weeks vacation time, personal time and sick time. They don't chastise you for taking off when you need to. This job could set up my future financially with my boyfriend. I just turned 28 so I'm not getting any younger. It's time to settle down with a position that I can retire with. However, this job is extremely stressful. I've disliked it from the beginning. When a call comes in I never know if it's going to be someone screaming in my ear. Or calling me stupid. Three weeks ago I went into training for a different area of the job. Training was great. I was off of the phones for two weeks and I didn't have that stress weighing me down. Well, training ended and last Tuesday I was supposed to get back on the floor to take those phone calls. I literally sat in my car for 30 minutes trying to get myself to work and I just couldn't do it. I started crying, ran upstairs and told my boyfriend I couldn't get myself to go. I work a 3:30PM - Midnight shift. I wait until about 3PM with intentions of getting to work and then I start feeling extremely overwhelmed. My heart races. My breathing becomes rapid. I start sobbing like a four year old. Last Friday I actually got myself to work. Twenty minutes before I had to sign into the phone I was sitting at my desk and felt the familiar symptoms that have been plaguing me for a week. I stepped outside to get some fresh air. Walked around a bit. Went back inside. Signed on and sat in available for about 30 seconds before my anxiety got so bad I had to sign off of the phone again and go to the bathroom. I went to HR and I explained to them what has been happening. Rather, I sobbed the entire time while choking out some words in hopes they'd understand what I was saying. I also spoke to my department manager to let him know what has been going on. Today I intended on going to work. I woke up. Showered. Dressed. Then, like clockwork I got 30 minutes until my shift started and called out again. I am completely out of time so each day I call out, it goes unpaid. Today is the first day that I not only felt anxiety but down right depressed. I am exhausted from crying every single day. A lot of people would say to just quit and find another job but.. I *really* do want to stick with this job. I'm good at what I do. I love my co-workers and my supervisor but the anxiety I feel when I sign on to that phone and hear that *boop*, signifying I have a call coming in, is just... overwhelming.
Tomorrow I'm waking up early to call a doctor. Here's hoping they can fit me in that afternoon. Aside from this job, I don't suffer from any other anxiety symptoms. I'm a social butterfly. I love being around people. I don't know what the doctor can do for me. I don't know if I need to be prescribed some type of medication. Perhaps at a low dosage just so I can get myself to go back to work. I don't know if they'll recommend me to a psychiatrist. I have no idea. I just know that I need to reach out for help because I can't keep feeling like this. My boyfriend is at his wits end and so am I. I've been drinking a lot more since I started this job and my weight has sky rocketed. When I stress out, I eat.
In any case, this is all new to me. I'm not used to sobbing so hysterically that my toes and fingers go numb from lack of oxygen. I'm hoping someone here can offer me some type of advice. I'm exhausted, frustrated, sad, confused, anxious... I'm just done.
If anyone got through this whole post, thank you for reading.
I am no stranger to depression. There are months where I am completely satisfied in my life. I'm as happy as can be. Then there are seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc.. where I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day long.
Here's a bit of a back story. I hated high school with a passion. I discovered the thrill and release of cutting which I did for a while until my parents found out. I went to a therapist once, cried throughout the entire session and vowed never to return. The cutting stopped abruptly. At that time I thought it may have just been a cry for help. I still think it was. I ended up dropping out of school and getting my GED. Fast forward about six years. I met this wonderful man online who lived in a different state. After two years of long distance I packed my bags, left the comfort of home and moved in with him. I went through a pretty serious case of depression when I moved. He was unhappy because I was unhappy and I was unhappy because I was making him unhappy.. etc. Things got better once I started working again. After a year I decided I wasn't being given the appropriate amount of pay or hours. In January I started working at a pretty competitive cable company as a call center customer service representative.. and here is where my story begins.
On the surface this job is a dream. It has wonderful pay. Amazing benefits. Two weeks vacation time, personal time and sick time. They don't chastise you for taking off when you need to. This job could set up my future financially with my boyfriend. I just turned 28 so I'm not getting any younger. It's time to settle down with a position that I can retire with. However, this job is extremely stressful. I've disliked it from the beginning. When a call comes in I never know if it's going to be someone screaming in my ear. Or calling me stupid. Three weeks ago I went into training for a different area of the job. Training was great. I was off of the phones for two weeks and I didn't have that stress weighing me down. Well, training ended and last Tuesday I was supposed to get back on the floor to take those phone calls. I literally sat in my car for 30 minutes trying to get myself to work and I just couldn't do it. I started crying, ran upstairs and told my boyfriend I couldn't get myself to go. I work a 3:30PM - Midnight shift. I wait until about 3PM with intentions of getting to work and then I start feeling extremely overwhelmed. My heart races. My breathing becomes rapid. I start sobbing like a four year old. Last Friday I actually got myself to work. Twenty minutes before I had to sign into the phone I was sitting at my desk and felt the familiar symptoms that have been plaguing me for a week. I stepped outside to get some fresh air. Walked around a bit. Went back inside. Signed on and sat in available for about 30 seconds before my anxiety got so bad I had to sign off of the phone again and go to the bathroom. I went to HR and I explained to them what has been happening. Rather, I sobbed the entire time while choking out some words in hopes they'd understand what I was saying. I also spoke to my department manager to let him know what has been going on. Today I intended on going to work. I woke up. Showered. Dressed. Then, like clockwork I got 30 minutes until my shift started and called out again. I am completely out of time so each day I call out, it goes unpaid. Today is the first day that I not only felt anxiety but down right depressed. I am exhausted from crying every single day. A lot of people would say to just quit and find another job but.. I *really* do want to stick with this job. I'm good at what I do. I love my co-workers and my supervisor but the anxiety I feel when I sign on to that phone and hear that *boop*, signifying I have a call coming in, is just... overwhelming.
Tomorrow I'm waking up early to call a doctor. Here's hoping they can fit me in that afternoon. Aside from this job, I don't suffer from any other anxiety symptoms. I'm a social butterfly. I love being around people. I don't know what the doctor can do for me. I don't know if I need to be prescribed some type of medication. Perhaps at a low dosage just so I can get myself to go back to work. I don't know if they'll recommend me to a psychiatrist. I have no idea. I just know that I need to reach out for help because I can't keep feeling like this. My boyfriend is at his wits end and so am I. I've been drinking a lot more since I started this job and my weight has sky rocketed. When I stress out, I eat.
In any case, this is all new to me. I'm not used to sobbing so hysterically that my toes and fingers go numb from lack of oxygen. I'm hoping someone here can offer me some type of advice. I'm exhausted, frustrated, sad, confused, anxious... I'm just done.
If anyone got through this whole post, thank you for reading.