Lost it completely

[NickCrav]

First time I've ever posted on here so don't even know if I'll get any feedback but I need help.
I think I've always had very mild anxiety along with ADD and when stress hits me my brain can't handle it and I go into a stage of depression and thinking I'm not capable or good enough for anything.
I was working as a personal trainer at a gym which I loved, it was great fun..during this time my confidence levels sky rocketed and all anxiety's were lost..then I lost my job through having too much fun in a way. Since then I have seriously struggled to pick myself back up both physically and mentally. My confidence has gone down the drain, im anxious in nearly any social situation, luckily I managed to meet an amazing girl just as I lost the job and she's stuck through it with me, but now it's getting so bad I don't even feel good enough for her and I'm stressing out about the relationship too she's amazing and I always feel she can do better. She's real cool, confident, got loads of cool guy mates, her brain is better than mine i just don't feel i can give her what she deserves.. Another thing is the whole previous relationship thing hasn't been great for me so going into this one I've been panicking a bit.
I'm finally getting back in the gym and boosting myself, then last weekend was another messy weekend with everyone in Bournemouth and I had a run in with the police which really shook me up..i got kicked out the festival where all my mates were and my girl was there and i missed the night..unfortunately it wasn't my fault too and i thought my girl was annoyed (even when shes not the kind of girl who ever gets annoyed, just something similar has happened before with the outcome that my ex went and cheated on me and tried to justify it by saying i shouldn't have got kicked out and I was in the wrong...) anyway yeah I take drugs and smoke a lot of weed (which I am stopping everything now because I've realised in a situation where your brain is struggling it definitely is not a good idea). Am now going through a detox hoping it will clear my head a bit but I'm concerned it will never go, I don't know if it's ever been this bad before..the relationship with my dad has gone down the drain we never talk any more and I feel he is disappointed in me and feels I'm worthless...my mum always talks to me about how her relationship with my dad is fucked up...I can't handle all this.
Now I've got a job interview tomorrow and I'm bricking it, I have no confidence that my abilities will be able to meet their expectations and I have a terrible image of me being very anxious and saying stupid stuff.
Would appreciate anything from anyone right now even if its not advice to try and solve this if its just someone who has a similar problem or anything...it's nice to talk to people with similar issues and obviously anxiety is one of those things that - especially at this level - it's hard to find someone to talk to who is on the same level or who's been through it.
Anyway that's cleared my head a tiny bit just writing this (even now i feel my eyes well up with tears for no apparent reason..) I look forward to hearing from you guys, sorry its such an essay of a post lol :)

[Kevcules]

Nick man! First of all ,there are tons of people here with similar stories and just plain ole good advice for you. We always think we're alone. guess what.....WRONG! :) You are right when you say you feel better when writing about how you feel in here, my eyes have gotten "wet" also many times writing here and just reading what others have to say! :)
I can really relate to your situation with your women and not feeling worthy! You have to understand that she is still with you, and still loves you. If someone can stay with you through your toughest times, then she's a keeper. Keep talking to her and she will re-assure you how she feels about you. It's our paranoid thoughts that keep us in a negative mental state. I told the girl I'm seeing that if she had no time for me in her life , to please tell me because my heart couldn't handle any more pain! She re-assured me that she's not going anywhere many times! That gives me hope for myself that I will get better knowing I have at least on person to walk this difficult path with me.I even confided in a few people at work who I trust and they have my back too. It feels good to know I'm not alone in this fight and you aren't either!
I'm in my early 40's and this age seems to bring on more thoughts of myself being useless, not worthy, why do I wake up in the morning and so on? Your brains chemical balance is unbalanced. We all need some form of meds whether it be short or long term to get our thinking caps working OK again. You can remember how you used to feel right? Well that' the real you! It will come back....believe it!

Even you don't want to talk to people or go out in public, do it and it will make you feel better. But most important, do go see your doctor! It's not a sign of weakness at all,in fact it was desperation for me. I was contemplating suicide every day for a long time. Now after being on wellbutrin for about 6 weeks......I keep wondering how stupid that was, to even consider that! That's what your brain does when it doesn't have a proper balance......Please seek some medical help!

Take Care

[NickCrav]

Thanks so much for the post dude good to hear you're getting on ok and you and your girl are all good. Gives me confidence that even though you tell yourself these things in your head, they aren't necessarily true. I ask her about me a fair bit and try and pry compliments out of her when i start thinking negatively, but i just feel like a dooshbag when i do like i shouldn't need constant reassuring but i feel i do! I'm hoping to do things the natural way with exercise and everything but if it gets to the point where it's getting worse I'll definitely seek medical help man, getting a job should hopefully boost my confidence and get my real self back, but that can be hard to achieve these days..job hunting is a killer.
So are you in a healthy balanced state at the moment do you reckon? Have you managed to link it with anything to try n prevent it in the future, like I know mines brought on by a stressful, new scenario in which I procrastinate to sort things out n it just gets worse..I don't know if yours is triggered or it's just general?
Sitting in bed with one of those bright blue LED wake up lights in my face, just popped some 5-htp just trying to boost the mood think its all working, including this anxiety post, feeling a bit better already :D

[mid]

I hope you feel better knowing that you can do little bits to make this easier, and each part will help you manage the next part. You're not alone in this. Best wishes.

[Kevcules]

Honestly I've had some good days, but also bad since I last posted. I feel I've dropped a few steps on the ladder to health and freedom. I'm seeing a counsellor soon and then a psychologist. I know my brain is sick and have a general idea of why,but it's not easy to fix. There are many factors contributing to my condition.
Life shouldn't be this difficult!!!

Be strong everyone!