The Ultimate Unruly Plethora of Anxiety..What can I do?!

[CautiousBeyondCaution]

I have always suffered from social anxiety and self worthlessness. I doubt everything I do and everything about myself. I question everything everyone may or may not do. I fear the worst will always happen and I cannot stop it. I give myself extreme headaches and I am severly agitated and sharp with others ( including innocent by standers or even my husband). Perhaps my childhood is to blame, but I truly do not think that figuring out why I am so extremely worrisome will help. In fact, I dont even really know if I WANT help. I get panicky thinking about someone solving my worrying problem. If I go and get behavioral therapy, then what will I do then? What will I miss that could cause some huge disaster?

I remember being a young girl ( I am not in my late 20's) and always counting in my head while walking by 2's or 3's or 4's or 5's. I believe this was an early onset of OCD. During the pre teen and teen years of my life I was so shy and withdrawn from others that I was always poked at for it. Why are you so quiet, why don't you speak up?! I heard this on a daily basis....It did get annoying. I feared public school. I was in public school from preschool to 3rd grade, I WAS JUST FINE as much as I can recall, lots of friends! I was then yanked out and put into a traditional roman catholic school and taught by nuns and priests, attended funerals and saw dead babies in open caskets and old men and women. I attended this school totaling only 40 students ( TOTAL of 40 IN ALL from K-8th). My anxiety began. I was ashamed of how I looked ( although I always had all of the boys liking me, writing me notes as kids do...and present day I do some modeling) however, my self worth is zero. I do not find myself worthy of anything. My oldest brother at this time had started making fun of my nose saying I had a ski bump on my nose? WOW. I was always thinking about this from that time forward, always covering my face hiding it from people. I really became known for hiding my face...although I model now and am seen as gorgeous I still worry about ho I appear. Children in school called me see through as I was pale. I now ensure I go tanning so that no one has to deal with looking at pale skin.

I attended this private catholic school until 8th grade (4th thru 8th), I was then dropped into public school where I knew NO ONE. I never talked to anyone. There were boys yet again always trying to speak to me but I really didnt know how to talk or was afraid of being judged for what I did say. I was afraid of criticism and being laughed at or made fun of for something, anything. I attended 9th grade public school for one semester, sitting in the bathroom stall during lunch or walking alone outside. After the one semester I begged to go back to the homeschool program for 9th grade at the catholic school. Wish granted. I was back in my comfort zone.

I eventually ended up attending 5 different high schools including a boarding school by CHOICE and then graduated after sitting in bathroom stalls or skipping to avoid social interaction.

College came that fall and my dad paid for it out of pocket, I was a great student however, I was to do a 5 minute speech for a speech class in order to pass it. You could do it in a group or by yourself. Of course I didnt speak to anyone so I had no one to be in my group and the more I thought about it I could not do it alone. I had to fail the class because of this and thus dropped out of college. Because of a 5 minute speech.

I have quit jobs because of anxiety, skipped meetings and feared fire drills at work because this meant walking outside with other people and standing around to talk. But, I had no one to stand around and talk to so sometimes I would hide somewhere else or just leave....Horrible feeling.

I went through an 8 year abusive relationship where I was put down and my OCD and anxiety worsened.

At times, I cannot yield into traffic for fear of pissing someone off so I end up taking a long way around or having to drive somewhere to turn around and go back.

I now have a 1.5 year old son and a husband who adores me. I have done everything in my power to stay home with my son and not work but the cost of living is so high at times I do have to work. I currently work Fridays and Saturdays only. My mother drives to my house to watch my son for me at my home on Fridays. I always worry she will fall asleep or he will get hurt or something ridiculous. Saturdays are a bit less stressed as my husband is home with my son.

I NOW have a job offer for some temp work full time Monday thru Friday for 1 month. Will be a great boost to our income and only temporary so I truly WANT TO DO IT. However, my oldest brother had a baby one week ago. My mom has agreed to drive to their home a few miles from mine and watch their infant when they return back to work, so my son will have to be watched at my older brothers home. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH THIS. My mom would come here and pick up my son in the morning and drive him, which that right there I do not like because what if she were to get in an accident? What would happen and what would I be able to do???Once she arrives at my brothers she will have to carry my son in and they have a pool with NO FENCE around it in their backyard as well as a deep flowing creek with no fence. What if my son were to be unwatch just for a split second and were to let himself outside and drown???! My mom is on pain pills because she has a problem with her kidneys and ureter which she will have surgery on 10 days before I start working which means more pain pills. She also smokes cigarettes so would have to smoke outside. How will she be able to watch an infant and smoke outside and keep an eye on my crazy toddler??! The house is not baby proofed yet either. How will she go to the bathroom without watching my son? He is learning how to open doors so what if he learns to unlock their back doors and gets out???

She is the only babysitter I have and I cannot afford daycare and would never in a million years EVER trust anyone else to watch my son. I know it does not sound like trust as it is, but its a bit there.

I need help I cant even live a life this way, I cannot miss an opportunity to make a large amount of money because I am living in this TERRIBLE UPSETTING FEAR.


I feel if I got help or on some type of pill that I would miss something and something bad would happen to my son.

Its an infinite circle of constant worry that is actually very detrimental....Please help me cope or how can I change my mind to get help?????

[CautiousBeyondCaution]

I have always suffered from social anxiety and self worthlessness. I doubt everything I do and everything about myself. I question everything everyone may or may not do. I fear the worst will always happen and I cannot stop it. I give myself extreme headaches and I am severly agitated and sharp with others ( including innocent by standers or even my husband). Perhaps my childhood is to blame, but I truly do not think that figuring out why I am so extremely worrisome will help. In fact, I dont even really know if I WANT help. I get panicky thinking about someone solving my worrying problem. If I go and get behavioral therapy, then what will I do then? What will I miss that could cause some huge disaster?

I remember being a young girl ( I am now in my late 20's) and always counting in my head while walking by 2's or 3's or 4's or 5's. I believe this was an early onset of OCD. During the pre teen and teen years of my life I was so shy and withdrawn from others that I was always poked at for it. Why are you so quiet, why don't you speak up?! I heard this on a daily basis....It did get annoying. I feared public school. I was in public school from preschool to 3rd grade, I WAS JUST FINE as much as I can recall, lots of friends! I was then yanked out and put into a traditional roman catholic school and taught by nuns and priests, attended funerals and saw dead babies in open caskets and old men and women. I attended this school totaling only 40 students ( TOTAL of 40 IN ALL from K-8th). My anxiety began. I was ashamed of how I looked ( although I always had all of the boys liking me, writing me notes as kids do...and present day I do some modeling) however, my self worth is zero. I do not find myself worthy of anything. My oldest brother at this time had started making fun of my nose saying I had a ski bump on my nose? WOW. I was always thinking about this from that time forward, always covering my face hiding it from people. I really became known for hiding my face...although I model now and am seen as gorgeous I still worry about ho I appear. Children in school called me see through as I was pale. I now ensure I go tanning so that no one has to deal with looking at pale skin.

I attended this private catholic school until 8th grade (4th thru 8th), I was then dropped into public school where I knew NO ONE. I never talked to anyone. There were boys yet again always trying to speak to me but I really didnt know how to talk or was afraid of being judged for what I did say. I was afraid of criticism and being laughed at or made fun of for something, anything. I attended 9th grade public school for one semester, sitting in the bathroom stall during lunch or walking alone outside. After the one semester I begged to go back to the homeschool program for 9th grade at the catholic school. Wish granted. I was back in my comfort zone.

I eventually ended up attending 5 different high schools including a boarding school by CHOICE and then graduated after sitting in bathroom stalls or skipping to avoid social interaction.

College came that fall and my dad paid for it out of pocket, I was a great student however, I was to do a 5 minute speech for a speech class in order to pass it. You could do it in a group or by yourself. Of course I didnt speak to anyone so I had no one to be in my group and the more I thought about it I could not do it alone. I had to fail the class because of this and thus dropped out of college. Because of a 5 minute speech.

I have quit jobs because of anxiety, skipped meetings and feared fire drills at work because this meant walking outside with other people and standing around to talk. But, I had no one to stand around and talk to so sometimes I would hide somewhere else or just leave....Horrible feeling.

I went through an 8 year abusive relationship where I was put down and my OCD and anxiety worsened.

At times, I cannot yield into traffic for fear of pissing someone off so I end up taking a long way around or having to drive somewhere to turn around and go back.

I now have a 1.5 year old son and a husband who adores me. I have done everything in my power to stay home with my son and not work but the cost of living is so high at times I do have to work. I currently work Fridays and Saturdays only. My mother drives to my house to watch my son for me at my home on Fridays. I always worry she will fall asleep or he will get hurt or something ridiculous. Saturdays are a bit less stressed as my husband is home with my son.

I NOW have a job offer for some temp work full time Monday thru Friday for 1 month. Will be a great boost to our income and only temporary so I truly WANT TO DO IT. However, my oldest brother had a baby one week ago. My mom has agreed to drive to their home a few miles from mine and watch their infant when they return back to work, so my son will have to be watched at my older brothers home. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH THIS. My mom would come here and pick up my son in the morning and drive him, which that right there I do not like because what if she were to get in an accident? What would happen and what would I be able to do???Once she arrives at my brothers she will have to carry my son in and they have a pool with NO FENCE around it in their backyard as well as a deep flowing creek with no fence. What if my son were to be unwatch just for a split second and were to let himself outside and drown???! My mom is on pain pills because she has a problem with her kidneys and ureter which she will have surgery on 10 days before I start working which means more pain pills. She also smokes cigarettes so would have to smoke outside. How will she be able to watch an infant and smoke outside and keep an eye on my crazy toddler??! The house is not baby proofed yet either. How will she go to the bathroom without watching my son? He is learning how to open doors so what if he learns to unlock their back doors and gets out???

She is the only babysitter I have and I cannot afford daycare and would never in a million years EVER trust anyone else to watch my son. I know it does not sound like trust as it is, but its a bit there.

I need help I cant even live a life this way, I cannot miss an opportunity to make a large amount of money because I am living in this TERRIBLE UPSETTING FEAR.


I feel if I got help or on some type of pill that I would miss something and something bad would happen to my son.

Its an infinite circle of constant worry that is actually very detrimental....Please help me cope or how can I change my mind to get help?????

[CautiousBeyondCaution]

I am sorry my first font was extremely hard to read..

[missmello]

Jeez I thought I was reading about myself! You are not alone on this. In elementary school I had lots of friends, then my parents divorced and I moved with my mom to my grandparents house, so I had to go to a different middle school then all of my friends. From then on I was very quiet and shy, only had 1 friend because she lived across the street from me. Got worse in high school, very quiet, didn't talk to anyone, would sit in the bathroom throughout entire lunch period, or sometimes I would sneak out of school and walk home. Sometimes I wouldnt go to school at all.

I also have issues with counting, not all the time but I do have a thing with numbers. And I tap my teeth together a lot, I don't know why but I'm guessing it is all some form of ocd. I've lost jobs because of my anxiety, and at times have been afraid to leave the house. So I understand a lot of what you're going through. None of this has ever been a constant thing, I do have good days, sometimes I go months or years without having severe anxiety, although social anxiety is there almost all the time.

Enough about me.. do you really not trust your mom with your child? Do you really believe that she would let your child run around outside without supervision? If it really bothers you, tell her. Make sure you let her know how worried you are about the pool and the other dangerous areas. Make sure she knows you do not want him outside without her full attention. I'm sure your mom wouldn't let anything like that happen to your baby, it is her grandchild after all.

Are you on any meds for this? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you are pretty crippled every day by this. Maybe this is an option you should explore. You need to try and push yourself to do things too instead of running from them. It's the first step in the right direction when trying to get over this. I had to take a speech class too and I had to do 5 speeches I think, I HATED IT and wanted to not go to class but knew there was no way I would get my degree unless I took the stupid class. So I just sucked it up and forced myself to do it. If you just do whatever it is you are afraid of, you will see in the end it wasn't so bad after all. Nothing life-altering is going to happen, except maybe you will get something good from it.

I would take the job if I were you. It's temporary, so you won't feel stuck. One month goes by so quickly and you will be doing something good for your family. You need to look at the positives in every situation.

[CautiousBeyondCaution]

Jeez I thought I was reading about myself! You are not alone on this. In elementary school I had lots of friends, then my parents divorced and I moved with my mom to my grandparents house, so I had to go to a different middle school then all of my friends. From then on I was very quiet and shy, only had 1 friend because she lived across the street from me. Got worse in high school, very quiet, didn't talk to anyone, would sit in the bathroom throughout entire lunch period, or sometimes I would sneak out of school and walk home. Sometimes I wouldnt go to school at all.

I also have issues with counting, not all the time but I do have a thing with numbers. And I tap my teeth together a lot, I don't know why but I'm guessing it is all some form of ocd. I've lost jobs because of my anxiety, and at times have been afraid to leave the house. So I understand a lot of what you're going through. None of this has ever been a constant thing, I do have good days, sometimes I go months or years without having severe anxiety, although social anxiety is there almost all the time.

Enough about me.. do you really not trust your mom with your child? Do you really believe that she would let your child run around outside without supervision? If it really bothers you, tell her. Make sure you let her know how worried you are about the pool and the other dangerous areas. Make sure she knows you do not want him outside without her full attention. I'm sure your mom wouldn't let anything like that happen to your baby, it is her grandchild after all.

Are you on any meds for this? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you are pretty crippled every day by this. Maybe this is an option you should explore. You need to try and push yourself to do things too instead of running from them. It's the first step in the right direction when trying to get over this. I had to take a speech class too and I had to do 5 speeches I think, I HATED IT and wanted to not go to class but knew there was no way I would get my degree unless I took the stupid class. So I just sucked it up and forced myself to do it. If you just do whatever it is you are afraid of, you will see in the end it wasn't so bad after all. Nothing life-altering is going to happen, except maybe you will get something good from it.

I would take the job if I were you. It's temporary, so you won't feel stuck. One month goes by so quickly and you will be doing something good for your family. You need to look at the positives in every situation.

I honestly do not know if I trust my mother or anyone. My parents also divorced when I was 11 years old because my mother was a raging alcoholic. She was out of my life for 12 years and then came back sober. So. It may be because of that that I am hesitant. She is sober from alcohol for years now...but Im sure the damage was done growing up without a mother. It may be a lack of trust but it is also a fear of something bad happening, a bad mistake/accident. :(

I was on Paxil for social anxiety 5 years ago but only took it for a month and havent seen anyone for this since then...

[locksey]

Counting ??


As in , u will count things ? As I do this this and than I go back over it then start in the middle ov the row and go each way just to make sure it adds up the same ( very weird ) as I dnt think I do it at any particular time .. I know if I'm having an attack I make a clicking noise with my mouth ( dnt know why ) or I click or tap my fingers .. Again, not sure why .. Think it may help me try and concentrate on that instead :-/

[locksey]

Jeez I thought I was reading about myself! You are not alone on this. In elementary school I had lots of friends, then my parents divorced and I moved with my mom to my grandparents house, so I had to go to a different middle school then all of my friends. From then on I was very quiet and shy, only had 1 friend because she lived across the street from me. Got worse in high school, very quiet, didn't talk to anyone, would sit in the bathroom throughout entire lunch period, or sometimes I would sneak out of school and walk home. Sometimes I wouldnt go to school at all.

I also have issues with counting, not all the time but I do have a thing with numbers. And I tap my teeth together a lot, I don't know why but I'm guessing it is all some form of ocd. I've lost jobs because of my anxiety, and at times have been afraid to leave the house. So I understand a lot of what you're going through. None of this has ever been a constant thing, I do have good days, sometimes I go months or years without having severe anxiety, although social anxiety is there almost all the time.

Enough about me.. do you really not trust your mom with your child? Do you really believe that she would let your child run around outside without supervision? If it really bothers you, tell her. Make sure you let her know how worried you are about the pool and the other dangerous areas. Make sure she knows you do not want him outside without her full attention. I'm sure your mom wouldn't let anything like that happen to your baby, it is her grandchild after all.

Are you on any meds for this? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you are pretty crippled every day by this. Maybe this is an option you should explore. You need to try and push yourself to do things too instead of running from them. It's the first step in the right direction when trying to get over this. I had to take a speech class too and I had to do 5 speeches I think, I HATED IT and wanted to not go to class but knew there was no way I would get my degree unless I took the stupid class. So I just sucked it up and forced myself to do it. If you just do whatever it is you are afraid of, you will see in the end it wasn't so bad after all. Nothing life-altering is going to happen, except maybe you will get something good from it.

I would take the job if I were you. It's temporary, so you won't feel stuck. One month goes by so quickly and you will be doing something good for your family. You need to look at the positives in every situation.

Msg below was 4u ... Forgot to add on to yr comment

[locksey]

Jeez I thought I was reading about myself! You are not alone on this. In elementary school I had lots of friends, then my parents divorced and I moved with my mom to my grandparents house, so I had to go to a different middle school then all of my friends. From then on I was very quiet and shy, only had 1 friend because she lived across the street from me. Got worse in high school, very quiet, didn't talk to anyone, would sit in the bathroom throughout entire lunch period, or sometimes I would sneak out of school and walk home. Sometimes I wouldnt go to school at all.

I also have issues with counting, not all the time but I do have a thing with numbers. And I tap my teeth together a lot, I don't know why but I'm guessing it is all some form of ocd. I've lost jobs because of my anxiety, and at times have been afraid to leave the house. So I understand a lot of what you're going through. None of this has ever been a constant thing, I do have good days, sometimes I go months or years without having severe anxiety, although social anxiety is there almost all the time.

Enough about me.. do you really not trust your mom with your child? Do you really believe that she would let your child run around outside without supervision? If it really bothers you, tell her. Make sure you let her know how worried you are about the pool and the other dangerous areas. Make sure she knows you do not want him outside without her full attention. I'm sure your mom wouldn't let anything like that happen to your baby, it is her grandchild after all.

Are you on any meds for this? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you are pretty crippled every day by this. Maybe this is an option you should explore. You need to try and push yourself to do things too instead of running from them. It's the first step in the right direction when trying to get over this. I had to take a speech class too and I had to do 5 speeches I think, I HATED IT and wanted to not go to class but knew there was no way I would get my degree unless I took the stupid class. So I just sucked it up and forced myself to do it. If you just do whatever it is you are afraid of, you will see in the end it wasn't so bad after all. Nothing life-altering is going to happen, except maybe you will get something good from it.

I would take the job if I were you. It's temporary, so you won't feel stuck. One month goes by so quickly and you will be doing something good for your family. You need to look at the positives in every situation.

Msg below is 4u ... Forgot 2 add it in yr page above

[locksey]

Msg below is 4u ... Forgot 2 add it in yr page above

Counting ??


As in , u will count things ? As I do this this and than I go back over it then start in the middle ov the row and go each way just to make sure it adds up the same ( very weird ) as I dnt think I do it at any particular time .. I know if I'm having an attack I make a clicking noise with my mouth ( dnt know why ) or I click or tap my fingers .. Again, not sure why .. Think it may help me try and concentrate on that instead :-/

[locksey]

Msg below is 4u ... Forgot 2 add it in yr page above

Counting ??


As in , u will count things ? As I do this this and than I go back over it then start in the middle ov the row and go each way just to make sure it adds up the same ( very weird ) as I dnt think I do it at any particular time .. I know if I'm having an attack I make a clicking noise with my mouth ( dnt know why ) or I click or tap my fingers .. Again, not sure why ....
Think it may help me try and concentrate on that instead :-/

[Illusionist210]

My girlfriend says I'm a worry wart. Google it and read what it says. The reason why I'm not going to tell you what it is on this forum is because I find that if you give your brain something to do (i.e. google worry wart) you will notice the anxiety and the panic will subside faster because your brain is focusing and studying something else rather than on what it is you worry about. All the worries you listed are from negative thoughts that just keep spinning in a cycle in your head. These thoughts are irrational. We see, hear, and read all sorts of tragedies that has happened around the world and it makes you think "omg what if that happened to me and my family?". Well the "WHAT IF" part is the igniter for anxiety/panic and all the other crap that likes to flow through all of our brains. You are worrying about what if this happens to my child or what if my mom can't take care of my child, what if people look at me differently, what if they don't like me, what if what if what if. Well, WHAT IF your mom took care of your child and nothing bad happened? WHAT IF the people around you were actually not thinking anything about you because they have too much other stuff to worry about other than some random person that they see? WHAT IF you went to your job and took baby steps day by day for one month and they love you so much they want to hire you full-time? You see there are many WHAT IFS. Some negative, some positive. Right now our brain is just on cycle with a bunch of negative stuff that will never happen in real life. Take baby steps.....throw in a positive with all your negativity. Then throw in another positive. Then another. Day by day you retrain your brain to start thinking a little more positively when we feel an anxiety/worrying coming on. This is not going to be done over night. This is not going to be a breeze. This WILL however make you feel better day by day (even if you don't notice at first) until you realize that all the worrying was for nothing. I really hope this helps and trust me you are not alone in this fight. This forum helps me deal with my issues and I know it will help you deal with yours. Good luck :)

[missmello]

Locksey.. sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have this thing with numbers, I don't know what it is it why I do it, but I count things or add things together. Like I'll count steps if I'm walking up stairs or I'll add numbers together like today's date for example, and there's no real reason behind why I do it. It's very weird! lol I don't know why I do it or what got me started..

[locksey]

Locksey.. sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have this thing with numbers, I don't know what it is it why I do it, but I count things or add things together. Like I'll count steps if I'm walking up stairs or I'll add numbers together like today's date for example, and there's no real reason behind why I do it. It's very weird! lol I don't know why I do it or what got me started..

I count bricks on a fire place, or certain patterns on walls .. But I will keep goin over the same thing but in diff directions to make sure I get the same answer all the time ( very odd ) :-(

[Lin]

I find that I have to try and remember car number plates to bring me good luck when out, and inside I have to touch walls or doors so many times in a certain pattern so that the day goes well. I think it is a form if OCD and can get really bad when you are anxious.
I cant stand books or magazines being creased or not in a correct pile and tidy so I hate someone touching my stuff and moving things. It all plays on my mind and makes me anxious.
I can never borrow something from anyone because i worry so much I am going to damage it I don't use it and have to buy my own so i can read it or try it.
I have passed some of these problems on to my son and he now has rituals before exams etc to bring him luck or no bad luck.
I hate it but it is impossible to stop because you think the day you stop something bad will really happen.