anxiery is ruling my life and my future...

[ame11iea]

last year I attempted to go to uni in London but my anxiety disorder nose-dived so severely that within a week my mental and physical state had deteriorated to such a point I was medically advised to return home and recover, which has taken me about 6 months. it was basically a week long anxiety attack. never could i ever explain such fear and terror. i was sleeping two hours a night, barely eating or drinking and i couldn't keep anything down anyway. i was a crying, shaking mess. i seriously thought and planned to take my own life to end this inexplicable feeling.

it was all due to a combination of factors; i was away from family, in a new city, didn't know any one, and London makes me nervous anyway - don't ask me why I even went in the first place... my severe generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression ran amok and almost destroyed me where a normal person would've felt homesickness and eventually moved on. it was an indescribably awful experience that my doctor described as an emotional trauma. I was PTSD'ing all over the place for about 5 solid months. it was the single worst experience of my life this far.

in a bid to change things this year (accepted into Oxford Brookes university) I've visited Oxford twice, once with my dad and once alone. the first time I had the same reaction as I did in London and it really shook me. took me a few weeks to get back up. it was the first time I'd seen a uni environment since my awful experience in London and it just threw up all the horrible memories I'd pushed down. the second time I went alone, everything went smoothly and not a panic attack in sight. I was so pleased and hope was restored.

but just now I'm on the train home from
London. it's the first time I've been to London since my episode at university. on the train up I was struggling to keep my rising anxiety down at the thought of being where i'd had my darkest hours. as soon as I got the concert, everything was fine and I really enjoyed myself. as the concert began to end, the fear came back and I started to panic at the thought of having to stay the night. I felt like throwing up, crying, fainting. I've had to come back early instead of staying over with my friend and going for lunch together tomorrow. my body was telling me I'd rather die than stay here.

I thought I was doing so well, and now I'm so scared that nothing has changed at all. what if the exact same thing happens in Oxford? how can I prevent it? I feel like I've been taking all measures; going as often as I can, contacting their student support network to get me the help I lacked in London, etc. but I'm so scared that my awful experience in London last year has now damaged any other experience of university I could ever have. I haven't felt such fear i felt then until today, and it's really shaken me. how am I ever going to move on with my life if I can't even leave home for uni? what wrong with me? has therapy been helping at all or has it just put a gloss over things? I don't know what to do...

[Nicolette]

hi have you had any trauma at schools before that maybe makes you anxious before you even attend things? if you havent maybe the memory of this last mess up has stuck in your mind and made you nervous for this one.

you seem very understandably nervous about going to this new college, but you must ask yourself, have you grown and changed because of your treatments. if you still look at yourself in your mind the same way you did before then there are good chances history can repeat. for me, i had to quit college because of anxiety. now i do it at home mainly with fewer seminars. i am doing classical literature studies. its easier for me like this. i can get my certification without having to push myself. this option is available to you also. dont worry what happens here. you are not the same person as before. therapy is not a gloss its lifelong change.

use your cbt teachings and apply them to your worries about what will happen. it is a worry - look. when you say whats wrong with me, what if i cant leave, you are worried. i had this when travelling. i had panic attack on the plane, and was so scared whenever i went near them, and then i realized its not cos i cant be fixed, but cos it was such a strong fear i was still having worried anxiety thinking. i needed to work on it with my therapist and no i can go on planes.

also, when i go onto planes, i have to do small exposures, and relaxation. do many relaxation therapies to keep your stress down. someone here taught me meditation, it helps. my therapist taught me breathing exercises. it helps too. maybe you need a little bit of help, like xanax, to get you through first stressful weeks?

sorry if my grammar isnt great, french is my first language. good luck - nic :)

[ame11iea]

hi Nic, you'll never guess but I'm half French! French is my second language :)

and yes, I know for sure that my experience in London changed me. my parents have noticed it too. they say I'm more mature, more responsible about things, more wise about the world. they've even said I've become an 'old head on young shoulders', which I'm not sure to take as a good thing or bad thing aha! there's a phrase that goes along the lines of 'from suffering comes wisdom' and I suffered for sure. I'm just scared of having to go through all that pain again, which is understandable. I've contacted my future uni and explained everything to them. they've offered me support and help and they appear to have an excellent department on helping students with mental health problems (seems to be the popular illness of the decade).

I am hopeful and excited but at the same time scared out of my mind!