New here and had anxiety for six months

[Horizon]

Hi everyone,
I am writing because noone understands what I am going through and I don't have the strength mentally to beat it.
About 8 months ago a teacher at my kids school had a very obvious crush on me for ages, he gave me the eye in front of other parents at a school social event. A parent commented which I felt uncomfortable about (I am married and live in a pretty conservative community). He kept eyeballing me for another few months but I decided to email him to ask what his story was. He then told all the staff at the school. I started getting greasy looks from the principal and staff for a prolonged period and I ended up with depression and anxiety (nervous breakdown). I ended up emailing back because I wasn't thinking clearly and let him have it and wanted to converse with him to sort out the issue with no response.
I lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep and I started avoiding my kids school.To go to the Christmas concert I had to have 5 vodkas to get me through it.
I tried to contact him again and he threatened me with the police (because he's trying to protect his job).
I have been seeing a psych but still can't shake the fear. My youngest started school this year and I have never even met her teacher. (It's been 5 months).
I didn't do anything wrong but feel I have. One day I left my childs bag at home and couldn't go into the school. My work place suggested I make an appointment with the school. To make a long story short the principal threatened me with slander and defamation (when I didn't tell anyone and I should have), the education department (that's who I work for), accused me of persuing an affair in front of my husband and told me to pull my children out of the school. I haven't done that because then they win. So now I am more petrified than ever. My kids love the school and I have a lot of friends there.
Ps. I am a social person with no history of anxiety or depression before this. I just want to go back to feeling like a normal mum at the school. My situation is not good and either is my anxiety.FYI My husband has been very supportive since I told him.

[Enduronman]

Horizon,

Your very first post, your brief story, and event, circumstance, and a situation that had devastating and destructive effects of you, and your life, very quickly. Oh boy. (sigh)..I'm straight forward, to the point, and I may appear to be over powering to you and others here but it is my nature, my observation, my way, my style, and how I offer presentations. It is my way of "helping" people to see, something that they have yet to see. I can see things from your perspective, and also from everyone elses perspectives involved in this situation too. Before I spend another minute trying to explain that or how I do that, I'll say that I don't really know how other then I can find relationships between these post that I read and make connections to real lived life events within my own life. I learned from living life. I learned from the people in this life. I paid attention to everything that's ever happened, to my knowledge, anywhere and I retained all that information to be used at a later time. Just didn't know it was going to be used like this, to attempt to help other people.

When I read your line (I decided to email him to ask what his story was). I instantly knew that this was the reason for your condition, anxiety, depression, weight loss, ill health, fear, nervous breakdown, and it hit me like a ton of bricks in my chest. Before I even read another word. I said to myself "oh no, a fatal blow"..Why did that one line tell me all of that, impact me, and make me feel a certain way while being at the other end of a wireless network?

Because your decision to email this man, to see what his story was, is terribly wrong, and that's why you've had to endure all these other health issues and the damage that you've sustained.

The next line that you typed that affirmed to me as to why you've suffered for all this time is (I didn't do anything wrong but I feel I have)...

The action, of your own choosing, was 100% wrong, in every way. We're human, and we all make mistakes, because that's one way in which we learn. The reason that you haven't learned anything from this event is because you have not, as of yet, recognized or admitted that this really was, your own error, mistake, fault. That's why you've spent so much time and efforts fighting with everybody, because they all to know that you were the one that was wrong, yet they can't convince you otherwise.

I won't type all of the potential reasons as to why you refuse to acknowledge this as your own lapse in judgement, but you'll be the one to see all those reasons on your own.

So, what do you do now?

You make a plan and you put together a formal apoligy to all those involved, openly admitting that you made a mistake because you're human and humans are allowed to make mistakes.

All of your previous strengths, that were weakened, will quickly return after disclosing your admission of "guilt"..That (1) single word is what has almost destroyed your life. That feeling that the word, a powerful word, turned powerful feeling, has already cost you enough..

You must force it out of you, asap.

Its the only way to survive into your future life.

Don't waste your time trying to analyze what you've just read and don't allow your mind to insert the word "but" into anything beyond to correct this issue for you.

Don't think about it anymore.

You wanna go back to feeling like a normal mum?

Fix it.

Best wishes Horizon. (how ironic, a new day...)


E-Man.

[Horizon]

E-Man

I so agree with most of what you said and thanks for the reply. But my anxiety started before my original email and it was the anxiety that caused me to email him because I wasn't thinking straight and I was already starting to feel awkward in the school, probably because of the parent that gave me a hard time and his mate that watched me everytime I got out of the car with my children. I have tried to rectify this with the school by having a meeting in which I apologised about the email (I did say to cut a long story short). My email just made it worse and worse and worse and I agree with you there. I have tried to fix it. I didn't go into the meeting blaming or accusing anyone. I'm actually a very nice person and maybe too nice and they just walked all over me. I'm worldly enough to know shit happens. I don't want anyone to get into trouble (that's not my style) but the school has gone into "Save our reputation mode by being mean and nasty."
100% wrong, not sure but the situation is/was awkward. I feel I was just 'badly' responding to a situation even though I certainly wish I could turn back the clock and never made that bloody email, wish I was sick the night of the concert and even more I wish I didn't send my kids to that particular school to begin with. I have over analysed this situation to the point of insanity and your words aren't harsh at all because I have been through every what if. I've blamed me, I've blamed him and I've blamed me over and over again. At the end of the day I still can't take my kids to school. Ps Tomorrow is a new day.

[Enduronman]

I must just type, what it is that I see. It will more then likely be blabble and appear to make no sense to you, at first. People have always wonder why I present in codes? Because getting inside of other people minds is difficult to do, especially when I've never met you, can't see you, nor even know you. I like challenges..doesn't get anymore challenging then this. Here we go. Hang on!!

As your headline states, anxiety for 6 months. Statements within this story project certain timelines. About 8 months ago, a bunch of goo goo eyes, a few months passed, I sent and email, if I recall it took on a form of harassment as perceived by others on the receving end, he didn't reply, you became agitated, frustrated, almost as if you felt disrespected, you notice men looking at you all the time, you act as if it is annoying, you then come across to them as conceited, the men then obviously sense this and minimize your behaviors down to one word, apparently you appear attractive to other men, you're uncomfortable because men look at you, their eyes upon you make you feel as if its an invasion of your privacy, it bothers you, it causes you to judge them as being a caveman, you think you have a protective barrier up that no man can see through, although you take care of how you look and appear to others anywhere you go, your presentation is precise and very well kept, you pay much attention to self, the eyes of other men are invited by you yet you don't welcome their eyes to view or observe, they are then perceived as being a threat to you, a threat to the lifestyle that you have or that you've created, you then acted out, why are you looking at me, what's your deal, do you have a problem with me, you then act and appear as if you don't appreciate the looks, you then become curious, is it possible that maybe this one man broke through your force fields and invisible protective shields, you inquire, you approach, you reach out, you make an effort, his walls go up, you forced his defensive stance, he didn't realize that his eyes would get him into so much potential troubles, he ignore, he evades, he becomes elusive, you grow increasingly upset, you saw his actions as an invitation yet he slammed the door on you, and then it all explodes into what it has become...a battle. hmmm.....

Yes, you have over analysed the situation and event itself, but you haven't taken the time to look into the mirror to analyse you.

This one single event has become a catalyst for which to focus on and is wrecking your mental ability and capacity to the point of which you mentioned above because you've left out 100's of other potential variables of why you even ended up in this terrible predicament to begin with, it is just who you are and it is your own unique nature that landed you in this unique and complex situation.

There is nothing wrong with you. It is just you, being you. We are all different, unique, and have characteristics all our own. No 2 of us are the same. This was just the culmination of many many things, that which became The Perfect Storm.

Stop the devastation. Let down the walls that surround you and plan a new approach directed at all of the parties involved. You have no other choice. Your attempts to rectify this situation have failed previously because the "Don't look at me" laser beams are always on and others sense this, they just don't exactly know what this is or what is preventing them from being able to communicate with you. They can't "see" it, and quite frankly, you didn't even know it was there either. It is...

Turn it all off. Start over.