Seeking Support for Anxiety

[Bijoux]

Hi everyone,
I am new to forums, and fairly new (off and on) to anxiety. I have always had a touch of anxiousness, nervousness, and shyness to my personality, and never realized that it was somewhat abnormal. While, I have come a long way in some regards, especially with social anxiety, I have gotten worse in other areas.

I turned 30 last year, and thought, somehow, that all of my "childish" fears would start to subside, but they haven't. I am worried that if I don't change the way I am, that I will continue to get worse and end up with crippling anxiety that will overcome my entire life. So many of my worries and fears are irrational and I am embarrassed to admit them to anyone, even close friends and family. For example, I know this is silly, but I am afraid of the dark. When I have to take the bus or walk home late from work, I feel a terrible sense of dread walking even a couple of blocks in my safe neighborhood. I always have a sense that there is someone lurking in the dark who is going to attack me. I feel the same way even at home, once it has gotten dark. I realize how silly it is, especially when during the summer months when it is still daylight at 8:00pm, I have no fear, but at 6:00pm in the winter and it is dark, I am terrified of walking alone at night and being home alone.

Has anyone else ever felt this way, and is there anyone who has managed to overcome these fears, and if so, how? Thanks for listening and I hope everyone is having a fairly calm day.

[Judie]

Hey Bijoux, Welcome to the Forum! Anxiety typically presents itself or heightens its presence as a message. It is a mind body connection, if your mind is troubled and you aren't addressing it, it more often then not will use the body to relay its message and gain attention from the sufferer. Making strides with your social anxiety is excellent and probably does reflect a more confident maturity, and you may be maturing into a more adult approach " you can't please everyone all the time" or "who really cares what people think of me, it matters more what I think of myself ". Anxiety whether it be a Social Anxiety,a Panic Disorder or any number of Phobias is relentless in its continuous battering, that is if you choose to look at it that way. Perhaps your mind is just ( albeit in a horrific life altering way ) trying to draw attention to something that is broken but without doubt fixable. Turning 30 is a Big Deal, why I'm not sure, probably what most of us equate with true adulthood. I personally found that once I turned 30 I was so relieved given that I had worried so much about it for my entire 29th year. My friend ( I will call you that because you most likely will form friendships on this Forum, in large part to the common bond we share) you share the Fear Of The Dark with countless individuals in this world. Phobias may be "irrational" but more often then not they are grounded in a subconscious thought. Think about it how often did we hear as kids " Time to come in it's getting dark " not " it's late, time to come in" or I can't see anything it's too dark" instead of " put on the light so we can see better", lots of focus on the dark as a ominous fearful entity in our lives. This fear could have been ignited years ago or at anytime given that Hollywood capitalizes on the very common innate fear of he dark. As far as walking alone at night, whether it be six o'clock or 2AM I think is just informed conditioning whether you live in a safe neighborhood or not. Now if you are gripped by paralyzing fear then that's another story but whatever it is talk about it here on the Forum, you will feel better. I remember when I saw the Exorcist years ago I couldn't sleep alone in a room for weeks. My theory and granted it is " only" my theory, my opinion if you will. People who suffer from anxiety are creative types ( many actors, comedians, artists, musicians, writers and basically left brainers) well that's a wonderful attribute for all of us to share but with creativity comes an incredible imagination. With a highly developed imagination comes the ability to turn a simple walk at night into an abduction at gunpoint by our neighbor that we never realized was a Delusional Psychopath. The world we live in feeds anxiety,that's why it is critical that we on the Forum actively work at not feeding the anxiety, work at coping strategies, positive thought mindset and talk and voice our concerns and in turn gaining understanding and recovery in a supportive environment. If your fear of the dark is really paralyzing there may be something that triggered it, think about it. Feel better it sounds like you are moving forward based on the social anxiety and your desire to put your anxiety to rest. Oh and the answer to your question on how to overcome your fears is through repeated exposure to what you fear. Eventually, often very quickly your mind accepts that the fear is based in irrational thought or imagination. The world is a scary place if we continue to avoid everything that can even slightly be fearful we become controlled by not only the anxiety but the avoidance as well. You need to stand up to both in time. Have a great day, positive thoughts !

[shaikhrahuf]

Wel agree with judie.. helped me also..

[Bijoux]

I appreciate your kind words. I am not one to vent. I always feel like I am burdening people somehow, by talking about my problems. Yet, I have always been the one that others have "unloaded" on. It is really hard. I don't want to sound like a victim, but never have I had someone who has asked me how I am feeling. I guess I often have an air of "togetherness", and that may be why. But, it seems that even when I tell my friends (conversationally) about a problem or circumstance, it never seems to be given much thought, and I still don't seem to have much follow-up from friends. I think that might be my own fault. I am, however trying to be more open and have even tried to take steps, albeit small ones, to exposing myself to some of the circumstances in which I feel afraid. Such as, walking alone at night (short distances) and some minor public speaking situations. I know that in the past, when I have felt afraid and tried to do these things that I felt a sense of personal growth and felt good about myself. Why is it that as I get older I get more apprehensive? Shouldn't it be the opposite?

Like I said about venting, I am uncomfortable unleashing my BS on others. I am afraid it will push friends and family away and that I will be deemed a downer and no fun. So, I chug along without a peep. With that, I will venture out and talk about another completely irrational fear I have: I am in an almost fairytale relationship. I have never fought with my partner, we are best friends, we laugh together, travel together, can do anything or nothing together. It is as perfect as it could be, in my eyes. However, I have a stupid, stupid fear that whenever I am away from him, that something will happen and he will die and be taken from me. I know everyone will eventually, and not that many of of us do that prematurely, and I have no reason to think this will happen. I suppose it is because I love him, but it causes me great distress and I fear I will push him away and burden him with this fear. He works out of town, and I am by myself through the majority of the winter months (we live together). He has been gone for 6 months, with the occasional week or almost a week off, most months. While I am fine with, and rather enjoy my solitude the majority of the time, it's his being so far away and often unreachable that causes me to feel anxious. If I don't hear from him in a while I fear he is dead and I will never see him again. I'm sure anyone with a loved one of any kid (which is all of us) has a fear to some degree about losing that person(s). But, this fear I feel has gone overboard, especially since I don't have the same fearful thoughts about anyone else in my life. I don't/can't live with this much longer. I really feel that as I get older and less invincible, that it will affect my health and my relationship, the thing I am so afraid of losing.

I am really grateful this forum exists and that I finally have a place to speak about my anxieties without fear of judgement. I hope everyone else on here, has found some peace by knowing they are not alone.

[locksey]

Wow... Yeah I've had them thoughts ( and yet I thought no-one else wud have such silly thoughts )

I understand bowt friends etc prob not takin u serious .. I to am a person who pple look at and certainly wudnt think I have to deal with things... I told a teacher ( work in a Skool ) a few weeks bak and she was so shocked , sed she wud never have guessed as I hide it so well. I'm always smiling , happy etc and dnt let things get to me.

I also dnt talk out things , thoughts , feelings etc and the odd time I have tried , it's not taken seriously etc so i dnt bother again ....

Listen to Judie' s advice ... She knows a lot , understands & never judges or puts u dwn ...

[Bijoux]

Well, Locksey, here is a place where you can talk about these things. As supportive as it is, I feel a little sad that I can't talk about these things with my friends or family...although I feel that might be my own reluctance and fear of judgement.

[locksey]

Well, Locksey, here is a place where you can talk about these things. As supportive as it is, I feel a little sad that I can't talk about these things with my friends or family...although I feel that might be my own reluctance and fear of judgement.

Yeah , u wud think friends etc wud understand / support u more .. But learnt that's not the case

[scared44]

People that don't suffer from anxiety ect DO NOT UNDERSTAND and dont even try!! I say get stuffed to those that don't want to know about it..... Just saying :-\

[Bijoux]

I think it is hard for people to understand, but mostly I just don't want to bother people, so I stay quiet.

[Judie]

Hey Bijoux, The irony of anxiety disorders is that you feel so alone but the reality is that at one time or another we have all felt the same feelings or symptoms, as Locksey accurately said. Feel free to unleash, that is what Forums and Support Groups are for.You will not get the depth of understanding or compassion from non sufferers. It's similar to AA in the premise that you have to suffer from the affliction to truly " get it". Personally I don't, even with Anxiety under control through knowledge and coping strategies " still " fear every day of my life ( although I successfully rationalize these fears) that something will happen to my husband or daughter. For me this fear is rooted in my mom's death years ago when she went from relatively healthy to diagnosed with Cancer and dead 3 weeks later. Shocked my entire being, my mortality, that never lasts forever and threw me into a full blown depression which surfaced as a " Severe" Panic Disorder.I think many, if not all Panic Disorders are rooted in a " Death Anxiety". I see death as finality, separation and the thought of being separated from the people that truly love us is unbearable Right ? Everyone feels the same way as you, anxiety unfortunately caues us to focus on those those thoughts. Everyone has headaches, meaningless palpitations on and on but Anxiety Sufferers take those thoughts to another level. I would like you to do me a favor, all f you ask those that truly love you this: Would you be really upset if I were to die ? The answer will be " of course ", then ask them " Do you think about me dying " ? , the answer will be " NO why would I think about something horrific like that" and finally the last question " Why don't you think about me dying " ? and the final answer will be " I will deal with that when and if it happens". Now, do you see the key difference in an anxiety sufferer and a non anxiety sufferer it is " Thoughts" nothing more and nothing less. All of us have been shaken up by something, we are feeling down and perhaps not addressing the real issue. It can be simple " fear of getting older", not meeting the right person", "I am going to have a heart attack like my dad did"," my boss treats me condescendingly" on and on and on. What exactly the thoughts are don't matter as much as the idea that the Negative Thoughts that are consistently battering our mental and physical inner balance. Now let's look at the logic of Bijoux's post of course people feel anxious if they can't get in contact with someone. That's a normal response, it truly is but the reality is he is this is his job and it is to be expected that you will not hear from him. This won't change so you are left with no other choice but to change your thoughts. Accept that there is no way any of us can change the inevitable in life. This is where it is critical that you release that need to control to something " more substantial" then ourselves, God, Buddha, the Universe whatever, the entity that will guide you through the unknown. The next time you are battered with the anxiety of fearing that he is dead, answer those thoughts logically with " this happens with his work " and more importantly " I will hear eventually if something has happened " that is realistic thinking verses the anxiety sufferer's imaginative thinking. There are so many commonalities in all Anxiety Sufferer's from symptoms to personality traits to what I believe the " triggers". You will find all your answers, common bonds and most importantly a sense of not being alone in your battle on this Forum. Your personality traits of being the one that everyone always leans on, happy front etc are probably an accurate description of all Anxiety Disorder Sufferers. People aren't going to want to see you in a weakened state, they need to feel they can depend on you. Also people have a better tolerance for physical illness rather then Psychological. This could be another reason that anxiety produces so many physical symptoms so that not only you but DRS, friends, family etc. will take notice. The problem is that once you have been diagnosed as anxiety, people may lose patience. We have the Forum and this is a safe and secure place to vent and gain a better understanding of what makes us tick and more importantly how to make the anxiety not tick ! Be Well Positive.Thoughts Peeps. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms, your moms and all those individuals that have mentored or cared for another as only a mother would !

[Judie]

Well scared44, People fear mental, emotional issues, Psychosomatic Illness ( originating in the mind not the body) because again this is about control. " I can take care of a physically sick person but I can't see this illness so I will avoid it because I don't understand it". The medical community has made a great deal of strides in recognizing Panic Disorder, all phobias as " real and treatable" but the " stigma" out there is still horrendous. Many DRS ( still ) rather then educating themselves will immediately refer you to a psychologist ( which isn't a bad thing ). The Anxiety Sufferer's personality is usually seen as a strong personality, the one everyone leans on in life. The problem is that those individuals often take on more then they can handle , more then anyone can handle and they have a " reaction" burnout if you will, they simple want to change things, they just don't know how, so their mind and cry out with symptoms ( if anxiety had a voice it would scream "Help Me I don't like what's going on in my life" sound familiar ? When Anxiety Sufferers feel are floored by the Anxiety at first everyone stands up and takes notice after all the Great Oak has fallen there must be something terribly wrong right ? Well when these individuals ( friends, family, DRS ) realize there is nothing actually physically wrong, they become annoyed, impatient after all they are in need and they are missing their " Great Oak ". This is human nature guys. Be Well. Be kind to yourselves !

[Bijoux]

Thanks again for your reassurance. It is really comforting to hear these things from someone who knows first hand what it really is like to have anxiety. It's hard sometimes to listen to doctors, or "experts", because they have never gone through it, necessarily. I know I am being irrational when I have these negative thoughts, and I know that most of the thoughts and so-called feelings I have are not real, the problem is, I don't know how to stop them. I end up going in circles thinking, "I know this is his job, it is not unusual to not be able to reach him, it's ok", then I start thinking that if I am too non-chalant about it, will I receive bad news and be in no way prepared for it (as if you ever could be). I know these things, I know I am irrational, I know it is illogical and I have no reason to believe any of the negative thoughts, I know it's my imagination, but like I said, it is really hard to push the thoughts away, truly away, without just suppressing it for later, you know?

[Judie]

Bijoux,Well you should probably talk about it a bit and some people will surprise you and be very supportive, they may just not understand it. Also you would be surprised at how many people will understand as many have suffered at one time or another. If you choose not to confide in friends or family then use the Forum, don't isolate. Misery loves company :) so does health and well being.