PositiveThinking!
05-09-2013, 02:59 PM
Alright so first of all I'd like to say I'm much appreciated to whoever takes the time to read this, also feel free to post similar stories or give me some advice on how to proceed.
For all my life (or as far as I can remember) I've had generalized anxiety, probably due to my parents divorce, it was always quite a big struggle mostly because I couldn't stand to be around people. Depression came after that, yet I was still very young, around 8 or so, probably also due to my parents divorce and my lack of social skills, I was always very shy and felt like I could not interact with anyone.
Until I was 14 I did everything wrong, I skipped years of school, I could only sit on my chair behind the computer screen playing video games the whole day, I'd pretend to go to school in the morning just to come back minutes later when there was nobody else home because I just couldn't stand being out there, feeling bad and panicky, this was my safe spot and has been for years (I am now 22 years old) .
Everything got better when I hit 15 though, I went to some sort of private school and made some temporary friendships, got along fine with almost everyone and my social life took an 180 turn, kept those friends for some time, went out a lot with them and got to know even more people after I was done with that year of school, turns out that most of the people I got along with were just a bunch of fakes and backstabbers, ended up alone.
Next year on the same school was pretty crappy, I did get to know a lot of people too but I just didn't feel good there, I had constant anxiety and panic attacks often, so shortly after I quit. Before I quit I started feeling weird though, as if I didn't feel part of this world and kept having constant dejavu's, it was scarying the crap out of me until one day at night (my birthday) , I had the biggest panic attack in my whole life and felt like I was no longer part of this world at all, everything looked out of place, I felt absolutely messed up in the head, head filled with existential questions and all of a sort, I was able to find a name for that later on, Depersonalization/Derealization, both made my life a living hell for 3 years along with anxiety and depression (mood swings as well) .
Alright now, I'm mostly past DP/DR , depression only comes once in a while when I stay home for too long and the mood swings don't happen that often anymore, yet the anxiety still troubles me, and I really wonder why, I've been living a pretty good lifestyle compared to my previous, I'm mostly active, practicing sports, trying to get busy with everything I can find even if it's not important, basically trying not to stay home and think about crap, been doing it for months now and I just can't find a reason for this anxiety! I wake up tired, as if I'm unable to rest properly during the night, I spend most of the day trying not to be socially awkward because of my constant anxiety, lets just say I could be better and that's exactly what I want, to be even better and eventually overcome this once and for all.
Now what I'd like to ask you people is, should I pay a last visit to a psychologist and figure out what still lingers in my head? Should I be on medication even though nothing points in that direction? Should I just move on and pretend that anxiety is not here and try to seem the less socially awkward possible?
For all my life (or as far as I can remember) I've had generalized anxiety, probably due to my parents divorce, it was always quite a big struggle mostly because I couldn't stand to be around people. Depression came after that, yet I was still very young, around 8 or so, probably also due to my parents divorce and my lack of social skills, I was always very shy and felt like I could not interact with anyone.
Until I was 14 I did everything wrong, I skipped years of school, I could only sit on my chair behind the computer screen playing video games the whole day, I'd pretend to go to school in the morning just to come back minutes later when there was nobody else home because I just couldn't stand being out there, feeling bad and panicky, this was my safe spot and has been for years (I am now 22 years old) .
Everything got better when I hit 15 though, I went to some sort of private school and made some temporary friendships, got along fine with almost everyone and my social life took an 180 turn, kept those friends for some time, went out a lot with them and got to know even more people after I was done with that year of school, turns out that most of the people I got along with were just a bunch of fakes and backstabbers, ended up alone.
Next year on the same school was pretty crappy, I did get to know a lot of people too but I just didn't feel good there, I had constant anxiety and panic attacks often, so shortly after I quit. Before I quit I started feeling weird though, as if I didn't feel part of this world and kept having constant dejavu's, it was scarying the crap out of me until one day at night (my birthday) , I had the biggest panic attack in my whole life and felt like I was no longer part of this world at all, everything looked out of place, I felt absolutely messed up in the head, head filled with existential questions and all of a sort, I was able to find a name for that later on, Depersonalization/Derealization, both made my life a living hell for 3 years along with anxiety and depression (mood swings as well) .
Alright now, I'm mostly past DP/DR , depression only comes once in a while when I stay home for too long and the mood swings don't happen that often anymore, yet the anxiety still troubles me, and I really wonder why, I've been living a pretty good lifestyle compared to my previous, I'm mostly active, practicing sports, trying to get busy with everything I can find even if it's not important, basically trying not to stay home and think about crap, been doing it for months now and I just can't find a reason for this anxiety! I wake up tired, as if I'm unable to rest properly during the night, I spend most of the day trying not to be socially awkward because of my constant anxiety, lets just say I could be better and that's exactly what I want, to be even better and eventually overcome this once and for all.
Now what I'd like to ask you people is, should I pay a last visit to a psychologist and figure out what still lingers in my head? Should I be on medication even though nothing points in that direction? Should I just move on and pretend that anxiety is not here and try to seem the less socially awkward possible?