eventingukulele
04-27-2013, 09:41 PM
It's really hard for me to talk about this, and thinking about telling somebody else literally makes me feel sick. I have been suffering from it for several years now, I just thought everybody was like this. I thought my feelings were normal. Little did I know, I was very wrong.
I will worry about something for several months after it happened. Not just worry, it's not what normal people feel. I get a stomach ache, a migraine, and lay awake in bed. I worry so much during the day, I wear myself out extremely quickly. I sleep at least 8 hours a night, and am still exhausted during the day.
In my head, I imagine everything going wrong. Everything I do, I pick apart, and every little thing that could possibly go wrong, or end up negatively, I worry about. For example, right now I'm worrying about a nylon cape for a metal dog I broke last Sunday at work. It's midnight right now, and I am nowhere close to sleep. I'm worried that my manager will find out, and I'll get in trouble, I'm terrified about her being at work tomorrow morning. I feel sick to my stomach, my head is starting to hurt, and I've been thinking myself out of calling in sick in the morning. But then I might get asked why I called in, and what if I screw up and she tells I'm lying? What if I get written up for falsely calling in? What I I get talked too? All these thoughts are racing through my head right now, making me restless. I just wish they would go away...I wish I could be normal.....I just wish I could simply sleep. I'm even afraid Jessie will walk into the house and see me on my phone writing, and ask what I'm doing, ask what I'm writing, what if I lie and she knows? What if she reads this? What if she thinks I'm stupid? All these thought won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
My thoughts caused me to drop out of college. I had to miss one class because I was sick, and I never went back. I would drive to school, but I would sit in my car and think to myself what if my professor asks where I've been? What of he tells me I'm a failure? What if he thinks I'm an idiot? What if he says there is no hope for me? The thoughts would be so severe, I would have anxiety attacks in my car, and if I got out and walked to class, the attacks would become more and more severe the closer I got. This was precalc/trig. I also withdrew from my chemistry class, which was so easy! Chemistry is my best subject! But I failed a few quizzes in a row, and this kid named Matthew dropped the class. And I asked my lab partner why, and he said because he failed a few quizzes in a row, and there was no hope for him to pass the class. That statement instantly triggered an attack, and I left the room without saying anything, and never came back, withdrawing the next day. I was also in a college success skills class, I missed a couple assignments, and withdrew, in an attempt to evade the anxious thoughts. But it didn't...I was just anxious thinking about how much my mom would hate me if she found out, how much I would disappoint her, I'm a deadbeat. Both my brother and sister are successful, and I'm just sitting here, failing out of life. I feel like I'm in reverse in everything I do.
I remember one time in high school I said something embarrassing to somebody, and I had trouble sleeping for weeks, I could only think about my stupidity.
I'm moving back down to my hometown, and I'm worried about quitting my job..what if everybody talks bad about me? What if I leave them short handed? What if they think I can't handle the workload of the summer months? I remember the last time I had to ask off, I paced the daycare room for over 20 minutes, fighting back the anxious thoughts, telling myself the only thing bad that could happen is no.
That's one thing I can't do, talk myself out of the thoughts. I know they're stupid, I know none of them are true. That's why I'm so embarrassed about them, I even know its ridiculous.
When I lived in my hometown, I rode horses, and for several years that was my only release from my thoughts. When I would transition into a canter, and start to jump, the thoughts would evaporate. It was just me, and my horse, no anxiety, no thoughts, just simplicity. But as I progressed, riding even became something that triggered the thoughts. For some reason, thinking about other people riding chipper would keep me up at night, it would trigger my anxiety. So I stopped riding with my instructor, and I started riding a horse I leased. That's when riding became a chore. I would go up there with my best friend, and all I could imagine was her thinking about how bad I was. What if her and another friend were talking about me? what if her and bert's owner were talking about me? I miss the simplicity riding used to give me, it was my therapy for a long time. It held back the thoughts. I need that again...I need to release.
My thoughts are something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, something that plagues me day by day. It's something that will take me quite sometime to overcome, something that will continue to affect me everyday. I hope one day I can be a normal person, living my life to the fullest, just being normal, just being happy, just being me.
(This was written several weeks ago)
Does this sound severe enough to see a doctor? I won't be able to see anybody until July unfortunately, but I don't want to chance this all being in my head. I don't want a doctor to think I'm an idiot...
I will worry about something for several months after it happened. Not just worry, it's not what normal people feel. I get a stomach ache, a migraine, and lay awake in bed. I worry so much during the day, I wear myself out extremely quickly. I sleep at least 8 hours a night, and am still exhausted during the day.
In my head, I imagine everything going wrong. Everything I do, I pick apart, and every little thing that could possibly go wrong, or end up negatively, I worry about. For example, right now I'm worrying about a nylon cape for a metal dog I broke last Sunday at work. It's midnight right now, and I am nowhere close to sleep. I'm worried that my manager will find out, and I'll get in trouble, I'm terrified about her being at work tomorrow morning. I feel sick to my stomach, my head is starting to hurt, and I've been thinking myself out of calling in sick in the morning. But then I might get asked why I called in, and what if I screw up and she tells I'm lying? What if I get written up for falsely calling in? What I I get talked too? All these thoughts are racing through my head right now, making me restless. I just wish they would go away...I wish I could be normal.....I just wish I could simply sleep. I'm even afraid Jessie will walk into the house and see me on my phone writing, and ask what I'm doing, ask what I'm writing, what if I lie and she knows? What if she reads this? What if she thinks I'm stupid? All these thought won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
My thoughts caused me to drop out of college. I had to miss one class because I was sick, and I never went back. I would drive to school, but I would sit in my car and think to myself what if my professor asks where I've been? What of he tells me I'm a failure? What if he thinks I'm an idiot? What if he says there is no hope for me? The thoughts would be so severe, I would have anxiety attacks in my car, and if I got out and walked to class, the attacks would become more and more severe the closer I got. This was precalc/trig. I also withdrew from my chemistry class, which was so easy! Chemistry is my best subject! But I failed a few quizzes in a row, and this kid named Matthew dropped the class. And I asked my lab partner why, and he said because he failed a few quizzes in a row, and there was no hope for him to pass the class. That statement instantly triggered an attack, and I left the room without saying anything, and never came back, withdrawing the next day. I was also in a college success skills class, I missed a couple assignments, and withdrew, in an attempt to evade the anxious thoughts. But it didn't...I was just anxious thinking about how much my mom would hate me if she found out, how much I would disappoint her, I'm a deadbeat. Both my brother and sister are successful, and I'm just sitting here, failing out of life. I feel like I'm in reverse in everything I do.
I remember one time in high school I said something embarrassing to somebody, and I had trouble sleeping for weeks, I could only think about my stupidity.
I'm moving back down to my hometown, and I'm worried about quitting my job..what if everybody talks bad about me? What if I leave them short handed? What if they think I can't handle the workload of the summer months? I remember the last time I had to ask off, I paced the daycare room for over 20 minutes, fighting back the anxious thoughts, telling myself the only thing bad that could happen is no.
That's one thing I can't do, talk myself out of the thoughts. I know they're stupid, I know none of them are true. That's why I'm so embarrassed about them, I even know its ridiculous.
When I lived in my hometown, I rode horses, and for several years that was my only release from my thoughts. When I would transition into a canter, and start to jump, the thoughts would evaporate. It was just me, and my horse, no anxiety, no thoughts, just simplicity. But as I progressed, riding even became something that triggered the thoughts. For some reason, thinking about other people riding chipper would keep me up at night, it would trigger my anxiety. So I stopped riding with my instructor, and I started riding a horse I leased. That's when riding became a chore. I would go up there with my best friend, and all I could imagine was her thinking about how bad I was. What if her and another friend were talking about me? what if her and bert's owner were talking about me? I miss the simplicity riding used to give me, it was my therapy for a long time. It held back the thoughts. I need that again...I need to release.
My thoughts are something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, something that plagues me day by day. It's something that will take me quite sometime to overcome, something that will continue to affect me everyday. I hope one day I can be a normal person, living my life to the fullest, just being normal, just being happy, just being me.
(This was written several weeks ago)
Does this sound severe enough to see a doctor? I won't be able to see anybody until July unfortunately, but I don't want to chance this all being in my head. I don't want a doctor to think I'm an idiot...