Relationship Anxiety

[Sheri]

This is about all relationships, but primarily I want to talk about the man I love.

We have broken up twice, and I have cheated on him (no breakups were because of this). Each time I thought I was doing the right thing, then realised I couldn't live without him and would try to get him back. Currently, I'm trying to get him back again.

The issue is, he doesn't trust me of course. He doesn't trust that I will stay. He doesn't trust that I won't go crazy and get angry again. And that's entirely understandable.

I've been doing research and found so many people who went through the same thing I did. The fear, the anxiety. Both of the breakups were because he wasn't sure of the future. In that I wanted to get married and have children (we were together 2 years and lived together already) whereas he didn't know what he wanted other than to be with me. I have suffered from an eating disorder and depression since I was 13. I was going through recovery as I wanted to be better for us, and for our future. Gaining weight dropped my self esteem, which then brought in insecurity into our relationship, which then made me question what he wanted for the future, which led to him feeling pressured, me panicking and ending it. I ended it because I was so scared of losing him. Makes sense in hindsight..... :/

Now I'm at the point where I want him back, and i am trying to show him that, but he says he feels pressured because I ask so many questions. I ask those questions because I need clarification otherwise my mind goes crazy. I wish it was as simple as not asking them. But as you would know, it's not!

He rarely replies to my texts, one word answers if that. Which sends me into a panic but so far I've been able not to bombard him with texts. He always answers my calls, or calls me back if he doesn't answer. But then he always sounds exasperated. His answer to almost everything is "I don't know". Except if I ask if he loves me. He does love me. He always will. Buuut he won't say it, if I ask if he loves me he will say "you know I do".

I get that I might be asking too much too soon, but it's hard not to. He is also my best friend. I find there's no point talking to others about it because I already have my anxiety clouding my judgment, I don't need other peoples opinions. It doesn't help me.

I've been on Sertraline since mid 2012 to treat my depression and subsequent eating disorder, cutting, etc. I didn't know at the time I was suffering anxiety. I don't know if it actually came first, because the constant barrage of thoughts bring me down. I am now seeing a new doctor and he found it odd that I've only been on Sertraline, they've only been increasing my dose. Which I virtually had to beg for. I'm currently on 150mg.

I guess what I'm asking is how to explain to him, in a way he would understand, as to why I ended it.
How to be calm and not ask a million questions of him.
How to be secure in my feelings. I constantly question my love for him when we are talking again. When we stop talking I'm fine for a few weeks then get crazy lonely without him.

I also only ever went to a Psych once. I'll be ringing around tomorrow to find a new one. I want to get better for him. But I'm scared we will never be okay again.

[trinidiva]

First, I think you need to want to get better for you, then everything else will fall into place.

I say this, if you have been trying one thing for so long and its not working, you gotta investigate other avenues. For me, I've been able to decrease my meds tremendously by increasing exercise and including meditation and Tai chi. I'm eating better and making sure I get adequate sleep also. I've been through my ups and downs, trying different meds, etc....but I had to keep trying different things until I found something that works for me.

[Sheri]

First, I think you need to want to get better for you, then everything else will fall into place.

I say this, if you have been trying one thing for so long and its not working, you gotta investigate other avenues. For me, I've been able to decrease my meds tremendously by increasing exercise and including meditation and Tai chi. I'm eating better and making sure I get adequate sleep also. I've been through my ups and downs, trying different meds, etc....but I had to keep trying different things until I found something that works for me.

I am definitely doing this for me, but one of my biggest fears is I will work through this and he will either not like who I am (as I've been suffering for so long I don't think anyone knows who I am) or he won't be able to handle the journey and will never feel the love again.

[Lin]

You will never know unless you try. If you try and it doesn't work then you will have to be strong and move forwards without him. If it does not work then it is fate and someone else will come along and you will find happiness again.
Important that you work in getting yourself well and I would recommend meditation to calm your mind and give you head rest. Lots of groups you can go to or download free meditations from internet. Psychiatrist recommended meditation to me and I go to a Buddhist group every week and a Christian group twice a month. Both really different but both helps me in different ways and have made lovely friends who understand when you are struggling. Your religious beliefs don't matter because the teachings are just wisdom and helpful whatever you believe in.