u4ea
03-31-2013, 02:40 PM
Hey everyone - first post ever on a forum of this type.
I guess I’ll preface by saying I’ve always been anxious; ever since childhood, I’d have bouts of anxiety, not debilitating, but generalized anxiety/nervousness – usually pertaining to a (deluded) underlying health problem, or becoming obsessed with a common physical symptom – i.e. I’d think a stomach ache was appendicitis.
Otherwise, my childhood, teens and twenties were great – I was active, healthy and had plenty of friends and social interactions.
Fast forward to January of 2013 – I’m 31 years old.
The last few months of 2012 were extremely nerve wracking; sudden, expensive car issues on a usually very reliable car, relationship problems with my long term girlfriend; uncertainties at work (Start-up Company), etc.
I was laid off on December 28th.
This is when things started to really get funny.
Initially, I was bummed about getting laid off, but surprisingly optimistic; I started partying a lot – the New Year’s celebration kind of carried over; often binge drinking from Thursday through Sunday. I’ve always liked drinking and hanging out with friends and/or family, but I pretty much started self-medicating with alcohol.
One day, I was driving to see a friend, who lives about 30 miles north of me. About 20 miles into the drive, the traffic became gridlock – a tractor trailer had rolled over, and I was literally moving about one mile, every 15 minutes.
Out of nowhere, I began to sweat and felt extremely lightheaded; my heart pounded and I felt trapped on the highway; negative thoughts began to manifest in my head – “something is wrong - what if I pass out in the car”, “should I pull over”, and even a thought that surprised me after the fact – “should I call 911?”
This whole experience was really weird, since I grew up driving around a big city (Boston) and traffic and commuting had been nothing more than a nuisance.
For the first time in my life I had a full blown panic attack. Luckily, in my state of panic, I was able to make it to an exit and turn around; heading back towards home. I instantly felt better - 65 mph and the wind blowing on my face felt great; I made it home, but still felt shaky from the ordeal.
It was just the beginning for me though – the beginning of a very bad year.
I had panic episodes off and on (more on than off) for the next few weeks – I was becoming increasingly distraught, and self-medicated with alcohol.
I was in a seemingly constant anxious state – the thought of these full blown panic attack episodes returning was always on my mind; which is perhaps one of the worst aspects of the disorder.
I would drink it away until numb to the anxiety.
In mid-February I was flying to Las Vegas with my girlfriend to celebrate her 30th birthday. I knew I was in for a very bad time, and boy was I right…
There were even “signs” I shouldn’t travel – one of the worst snow storms in a decade crippled the northeast and all flights were cancelled. We ended up leaving a day late, but we were able to fly out.
At the airport (drinking a couple beers), before the flight, I admitted to my girlfriend how I’d been feeling, and that I was feeling really anxious and didn’t even want to go – I felt like something was wrong – health anxiety.
She became very angry, and assured me I was fine and it was in my head.
I’ve had ZERO problem flying in the, but this time was absolutely treacherous! I was in a constant state of panic the entire 5 hour flight – it was pure hell.
Needless to say, I had a bad time in Vegas – feeling shortness of breath, insomnia and general anxiety almost constantly. This caused a huge problem with my girlfriend – she claimed I ruined her trip and 30th birthday; she also claimed she was breaking up with me. This hurt very bad, especially since I had always been there for her during rough times in her life and was always totally supportive. I felt abandoned when I needed her the most.
I tried very hard to give her a good birthday, considering my mental state.
This is becoming a lot longer than I had anticipated, so I will condense.
Upon returning home, I went to see a doctor. I avoided the whole ER route since I have no insurance at the moment. I hate hospitals, doctors and anything related. I get very nervous – heart rate, BP, etc. I’m pretty sure I have white coat hypertension.
He prescribed 50mg Toprol for HBP/tachycardia and 1mg of Ativan, twice a day; and sent me to the lab for blood work. They took four vials of blood and I was scheduled to see the MD a week later to go over the results.
I hate medication – synthetic poisons that are too often worse for you than many of the ailments they are supposed to treat.
Went back – nervous as f*ck yet again. The extensive blood work came back normal and he gave me an EKG; again normal, which was a relief.
Six weeks later and I’m still struggling daily.
I constantly think I’m on the brink of a medical crisis and get nervous when I’m alone – fear that I will pass out and nobody will be around to help; this is the worst time of my life and I’m actually embarrassed – I feel like a defective loser at the moment.
I only hope I can bounce back at this point – this is no way to live; my quality of life is severely hindered.
I guess I’ll preface by saying I’ve always been anxious; ever since childhood, I’d have bouts of anxiety, not debilitating, but generalized anxiety/nervousness – usually pertaining to a (deluded) underlying health problem, or becoming obsessed with a common physical symptom – i.e. I’d think a stomach ache was appendicitis.
Otherwise, my childhood, teens and twenties were great – I was active, healthy and had plenty of friends and social interactions.
Fast forward to January of 2013 – I’m 31 years old.
The last few months of 2012 were extremely nerve wracking; sudden, expensive car issues on a usually very reliable car, relationship problems with my long term girlfriend; uncertainties at work (Start-up Company), etc.
I was laid off on December 28th.
This is when things started to really get funny.
Initially, I was bummed about getting laid off, but surprisingly optimistic; I started partying a lot – the New Year’s celebration kind of carried over; often binge drinking from Thursday through Sunday. I’ve always liked drinking and hanging out with friends and/or family, but I pretty much started self-medicating with alcohol.
One day, I was driving to see a friend, who lives about 30 miles north of me. About 20 miles into the drive, the traffic became gridlock – a tractor trailer had rolled over, and I was literally moving about one mile, every 15 minutes.
Out of nowhere, I began to sweat and felt extremely lightheaded; my heart pounded and I felt trapped on the highway; negative thoughts began to manifest in my head – “something is wrong - what if I pass out in the car”, “should I pull over”, and even a thought that surprised me after the fact – “should I call 911?”
This whole experience was really weird, since I grew up driving around a big city (Boston) and traffic and commuting had been nothing more than a nuisance.
For the first time in my life I had a full blown panic attack. Luckily, in my state of panic, I was able to make it to an exit and turn around; heading back towards home. I instantly felt better - 65 mph and the wind blowing on my face felt great; I made it home, but still felt shaky from the ordeal.
It was just the beginning for me though – the beginning of a very bad year.
I had panic episodes off and on (more on than off) for the next few weeks – I was becoming increasingly distraught, and self-medicated with alcohol.
I was in a seemingly constant anxious state – the thought of these full blown panic attack episodes returning was always on my mind; which is perhaps one of the worst aspects of the disorder.
I would drink it away until numb to the anxiety.
In mid-February I was flying to Las Vegas with my girlfriend to celebrate her 30th birthday. I knew I was in for a very bad time, and boy was I right…
There were even “signs” I shouldn’t travel – one of the worst snow storms in a decade crippled the northeast and all flights were cancelled. We ended up leaving a day late, but we were able to fly out.
At the airport (drinking a couple beers), before the flight, I admitted to my girlfriend how I’d been feeling, and that I was feeling really anxious and didn’t even want to go – I felt like something was wrong – health anxiety.
She became very angry, and assured me I was fine and it was in my head.
I’ve had ZERO problem flying in the, but this time was absolutely treacherous! I was in a constant state of panic the entire 5 hour flight – it was pure hell.
Needless to say, I had a bad time in Vegas – feeling shortness of breath, insomnia and general anxiety almost constantly. This caused a huge problem with my girlfriend – she claimed I ruined her trip and 30th birthday; she also claimed she was breaking up with me. This hurt very bad, especially since I had always been there for her during rough times in her life and was always totally supportive. I felt abandoned when I needed her the most.
I tried very hard to give her a good birthday, considering my mental state.
This is becoming a lot longer than I had anticipated, so I will condense.
Upon returning home, I went to see a doctor. I avoided the whole ER route since I have no insurance at the moment. I hate hospitals, doctors and anything related. I get very nervous – heart rate, BP, etc. I’m pretty sure I have white coat hypertension.
He prescribed 50mg Toprol for HBP/tachycardia and 1mg of Ativan, twice a day; and sent me to the lab for blood work. They took four vials of blood and I was scheduled to see the MD a week later to go over the results.
I hate medication – synthetic poisons that are too often worse for you than many of the ailments they are supposed to treat.
Went back – nervous as f*ck yet again. The extensive blood work came back normal and he gave me an EKG; again normal, which was a relief.
Six weeks later and I’m still struggling daily.
I constantly think I’m on the brink of a medical crisis and get nervous when I’m alone – fear that I will pass out and nobody will be around to help; this is the worst time of my life and I’m actually embarrassed – I feel like a defective loser at the moment.
I only hope I can bounce back at this point – this is no way to live; my quality of life is severely hindered.