Am I Losing My Mind?

[Suicidal Depression]

It's been a LONG time since I could call myself happy but it's really just been the past few months that I can really see how my depression is affecting me. You wouldn't know it just by seeing me. When I'm around people I can't help but put on a fake smile and pretend like everything is great with me. Even though anxious and suicidal thoughts are running through my mind.

I can't even control the things I do anymore. I spend all my money as soon as I get it. No matter how many times I tell myself, "You need to save", it just doesn't matter. I talk my own self out of saving the money. I convince myself that it is a better idea to go buy beer or weed or whatever the hell else I suddenly get the impulse to go buy. I know one major problem is that I fear being alone. I'll get off work at 1:30AM, get home, and lay there in misery because I have nothing to do, and nobody to chill with. I'll go through my entire contacts lists trying to find somebody to hang out with.

I have problems with girls. I can flirt and get their attention sure, but as soon as it's time for the bedroom, anxiety kicks in. I just CAN'T perform! And then I worry about what the girl is gonna think and I'm just way too scared to tell anyone what my problems are. I know the last girl I tried for thought I was gay, (which I have no problem with gay people, but I know for a fact I'm not). And then those thoughts just snowball and snowball until I feel even worse about myself and there is definitely no way I'm gonna be able to get it up. So I give up. I make up an excuse to not get intimate, or I just avoid the situation all together.

It gets to the point where I really just don't even want to go on anymore. I'll be driving down the road and start hoping this 18 wheeler will roll over on top of me and just end it right here.

I feel my sanity slowly slipping away and that REALLY scares me!

[Suicidal Depression]

Thoughts are starting now...

"What am I gonna do with my life?
Will I find someone to spend it with?
Do any of your "friends" really care about you?
You are gonna be alone the rest of your life"

These are thoughts I get bombarded with randomly. I can't make them stop.

[Loohna]

I have definitely had similar thoughts. You are not going insane, although I know it feels that way at times. When my anxiety gets really bad I get these feelings of complete hopelessness and start convincing myself that things are never going to get any better, and I'm going to feel this way forever. It makes it seem like there's nothing to live for and there's no point. I know it's hard, but try to remember that this is just the effects of anxiety/depression, and it's never actually as bad as it seems. It's really really hard to stop these negative thought patterns and irrational thoughts, but you just have to try and focus on something positive to get you through it. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.

[Suicidal Depression]

Just registering for this Forum has helped me out. Realizing how many people are right there with me is a big eye opener. It almost completely takes away the loneliness.

[Suicidal Depression]

I really want to talk to either a therapist or a psychiatrist but I have no money. And I'm way to scared to confront my family about this.

[Loohna]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you are. I would like to seek treatment, but I can't afford I on my own, and my mom just doesn't understand what I'm going through. She thinks that it's my fault that I am anxious and depressed, and feels as though I should just "be an adult and get over it". I don't know what other options there are, as I'm on her insurance, but I don't feel like I can get through this on my own. I just joined the site last night, and I know that I said this in a previous post, but it is surprisingly helpful to know that I am not alone.