Jobless and feeling lost..Depression creeping in again..

[missath]

Is anyone else out there with no job for over 9months, and feeling hopeless, very low and completely lost?
I have been up and down with depression and anxiety for years..I am 30 now..I've suffered on and off since i was 16..
I have had intensive therapy for 4 years..Been trying to heal that part of me that has no confidence, that part of me that was abandoned and that part of that always put others needs first.I had a breakdown in 2008 after a relationship breakdown and I first started antidepressants..I had a 2 year break without antidepressants (zoloft) and started them again in January this year...
I have been hurt so many times before in relationships but still managed to start a new relationship (with the help of my last counsellor).I've been with a partner for a year now and I always find its such a struggle..My new relationship is healthier than all previous ones but it is still hard at times..I am sociable, he isn't..We have a lot of similarities but also a lot of differences..Everything in my life, is always such a struggle it seems..I envy people that don't know what depression or anxiety feels like..
There is a lot of love on both our parts and in the year we've been together, we've moved from Greece to Cornwall and from Cornwall to Bournemouth..
I haven't been able to find work and its getting me down, whereas my partner hasn't had a problem...I used to nanny for 7 years alongside my design business...But now I feel that I cant do this anymore..I'm tired..Trying to get into a completely different job, is very hard...No one gives you a chance..
I have been on zoloft 50mg for nearly 3 months now..but seem to be feeling so fed up and down at the moment..So much so that there are moments where I want to give up..Don't remember feeling so low in zoloft, when I was on it, 2 years ago...I need to start counselling again, but i have moved so much its hard to start therapy again..I'm nearly running out of my savings too..
Sorry for rambling so much...I guess I feel lonely and need some feedback...I know there are people in more complicated situations..

[xxcraigiexx]

I know what you are feeling, my panic attacks and anxiety started after I went through a major breakup in 2011. Since then my life has gone on a complete downward spiral. I stopped working in Oct 2012 because every time I would go to work I would have massive panic attacks. So since then I have pretty much stayed close to home. I lost all of my friends because my anxiety got in the way and they pretty much just went on with there lives, it has been a hard and lonely road but each day I do feel like I am getting a little bit better. I am 26 and I don't want this to run the rest of my life. I hope you can feel better knowing that you are not alone... stay strong :)

[acetone]

I've been jobless since I graduated. Its been over 5 years without a job. I live with my family and suffer from anxiety and depression. It sucks. Its a challenge to keep your sanity intact.

[missath]

Hi guys, thank you for your replies..Its good to know that there is some support out there! I don't wish it on anyone to feel depressed and anxious..Its so horrible..It really is a challenge to keep your sanity intact..
I have a loving partner luckily, however because he is critical by nature and says it as he sees it with no filter, its very hard to deal with when you already have low self worth and feeling down..I feel like I have to increase my meds...which I never thought i'd need to do, cos in the past 50mg was sufficient..but feeling so low I wanna give up, is not somewhere I wanted to be again..The things that comforted me, now dont seem to..I'm supposed to be seeing friends tonight for dinner, but that isnt even making me happy...I havent seen some of them for nearly 2 years..Its also the first time my boyfriend is meeting everyone, so I guess it makes me nervous...
I guess you just have to be grateful for all the little things you DO have...but that is even hard sometimes...especially when you find it hard to get out of bed..

[StarDust12]

Hi Missath, you say you have a "loving" partner yet he is critical by nature. It sounds like you are making excuses for him by saying he is critical by nature. That would imply you think it is ok foe him to be that way and that he is a victim of his being critical behavior. The problem is you are not holding him accountable it is not ok when a partner treats you with criticism. In fact, it is abusive and makes him NOT a loving partner. I suspect that is there is more that you overlook in his treatment of you. My question to you is why do you allow poor treatment.. .? A loving partner is some who who treats you with loving kindness and respect ALL of the time.

[missath]

He is critical by nature, yes but he is honest..Most of what he mentions are things I already know but dont want to think of (cos i'm not ready to), which is why I find it hard..His positives far outweigh this one negative part of his personality..He acknowledges that he is probably ' too honest' 'too critical' (he is German and I am Scottish)..His sister who I used to work for, is exactly the same and I found that hard when working for her..I have difficulty with the area that he is confident in..Assertiveness...He is working on not voicing his opinions when they are not helpful...He tries very hard..He doesnt want to upset me and he is getting better at it...Sometimes we just clash, cos I am feeling at my lowest and have failed to tell him, and then he just so happens to bring something up that he thinks is helpful when it isnt..I know what you mean StarDust,(Abusive behaviour, respect) I dont overlook things and I also dont allow him to hurt me..I make sure he is aware of it, everytime it happens..
I have had a lot of therapy in the past and have failed to have any for the last couple of months, as I have moved house so much..I still need to find a way to feel stronger about myself..He is willing to come with me to a therapy session, to help support me through this difficult time..(he is happy to change some things if it will make it easier on me) Things cant be balanced, when I mope around the house feeling sorry for myself..I am sure that once I get work, it will be completely different..He moved to a new city for work, to make me happier and so I can be closer to my friends and family..He misses his old job, and isn't enjoying his new work as much..But is hopeful that it will work out, as I'll eventually find work too..I just need to find my balance...I havent felt normal without a job for so long..

[Eli Kerr]

You are by no means alone. I have gone through nearly the exact same experiences you all have posted. I am 28, I've struggled with both regular and atypical depression, severe anxiety, social anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, and on and on. In college my life was awesome, until I got into drugs. Drugs took over my life and ever since its been a rollercoaster of recovery and relapse. I haven't been had a real job since college, I've lived at my parents house for the majority of the last 6 years. I've had 2 long term relationships during this time, but have felt completely and totally inadequate, as I cannot even provide for my girlfriend let alone take her out, etc. I have been on so many meds, nearly every antidepressant, anti anxiety, insomnia, add meds out there. The only thing that has ever helped my anxiety (and only temporarily) has been benzo's, which i've always ended up abusing. I feel very lost and a job sounds so incredibly far away that i have started to fall back into that dark hole. However, recently I have started using a Cranial Electro Stimulation device that is used for depression, anxiety, insomnia, focus, and pain. It involves running a very very low amount of electricity into your brain and activates the production of neurotransmitters. I could try to explain it to you, but look it up and you'll see what i'm talking about. it has helped my anxiety and depression way more than any meds whatsoever. I've been using it for 2-3 months, and I've been able to cut down from taking 10-20mg (I was rx'd 8mg a day) ativan a day to only 2.5mg. AND, I am way less anxious and depressed. I'm still struggling some with being out of work, but My life has become manageable since I've started using this device. It may sound bizarre, and it is a little bit out there, but I have seen every type of doctor/therapist, tried all sorts of meds and combinations of meds, and basically exhausted every other type of treatment. I would recommend this not as a last ditch effort but as a first line of defense. Sorry if this thread was hard to read or didn't make much sense. So that being said, i'm by no means cured, but today happens to be one of my "good" days.

[missath]

Very glad to hear you are feeling better..Sounds like you've had a very difficult time..I'm glad something is helping you a lot more than other stuff..At the moment I'm managing..I hope that device isnt too painful that you are using...Sounds a little scary..Started therapy again and continuing my sertraline, which is managing my anxiety, I just feel low because of my lack of job..Got to stay optimistic..One step at a time..

[missath]

I got a job as a care worker in a nursing home which is starting in the next 2 weeks...I am happy about this, but I am also scared that this sort of job is too demanding for my mental state..Have done nannying and care work in the past, so I know what it entails..Never had a full time job before though, so i'm terrified...This job is going to save my relationship hopefully, as I have been horrible to be around, always being such a killbuzz everytime my partner does something or says something nice..Always with the negative thinking or catastrophizing and its been getting him down..He says he doesn't want this long term.If my mood doesnt improve with the job, then its over..which I can understand..I've been miserabe too...Its been a tough year with no work..I am really hoping this job helps lift my mood..Its a minimum of 36 hours a week in an old people's home with 10 old ladies..I think that working with other staff will be nice, as they always try to have a sense of humour..which I feel I have lost..I am in therapy and on sertraline 50mg since january..I have been trying so hard!

[sazco]

I got a job as a care worker in a nursing home which is starting in the next 2 weeks...I am happy about this, but I am also scared that this sort of job is too demanding for my mental state..Have done nannying and care work in the past, so I know what it entails..Never had a full time job before though, so i'm terrified...This job is going to save my relationship hopefully, as I have been horrible to be around, always being such a killbuzz everytime my partner does something or says something nice..Always with the negative thinking or catastrophizing and its been getting him down..He says he doesn't want this long term.If my mood doesnt improve with the job, then its over..which I can understand..I've been miserabe too...Its been a tough year with no work..I am really hoping this job helps lift my mood..Its a minimum of 36 hours a week in an old people's home with 10 old ladies..I think that working with other staff will be nice, as they always try to have a sense of humour..which I feel I have lost..I am in therapy and on sertraline 50mg since january..I have been trying so hard!

It sounds like youre going to do just fine. What are you afraid of? I'm jobless too and I have no sense of humor anymore. But this job soubds really good for you.

[missath]

Thanks sazco..I find early mornings difficult (will have to get up at 6:30am) for this job, 6 days a week for 6 hours a day...after a year of sleeping in..The job can also be very physical at times and unpleasant (dealing with bodily fluids, hoisting etc) ..As long as I can get through the first 2 hours in the morning I think I'll be fine..I guess I just need to believe I will get used to the routine..
I think the added pressure is that this job, is going to improve my relationship...I'm worried I won't be able to do it, or I will hate it...My partner is relying on it, because he said he can't deal with my sadness and depression, if it is ongoing..As this will obviously prove that we aren't right for each other, and we just make each other sad, rather than happy..
I have a fear of abandonment...terrified of breakups..Had so many painful ones before this guy and when I met him a year ago, I was so scared of getting hurt again, I needed therapy to coach me though it..

[mid]

Three things I suggest to help you through this difficult path. I would keep a journal to help you find the pattern of what depression symptoms do for your normal daily living activities. Where there is physical symptoms, those can be treated with movement, and working with people will give you the physical motion, just remember to flow into those difficult movements to keep your balance centered. Where it is a thought creating chaos, put it in a box, and at a set time each day, take it out, look at it, then keep putting it back in the box until you find a solution that works to improve your well-being.
When someone describes sadness, as opposite of happiness, I ask them to picture the change from sadness to happiness in that moment. It will help you break the pattern of sad and improve your appearance by displaying confidence in your smile, your motions, and your actions.
For abandonment situations, you will have to separate each and every section of this one, because often one trigger can be released, and then it snowballs.
I remind myself every time I hear a comparison that it is that person's views, and not my problem. I am proactive with my response which changes the way the situation is handled because their usual response no longer fits.
In the workplace, it is professional. Leave your personal feelings outside of work, and focus on doing the tasks in the best way to make it easier and pleasant and more positive, it's work, and it's a change.
Best wishes with this job, and know you are not alone.

[missath]

Thank you so so much for the support and tips! Its really wonderful that between my therapist and this forum I can find some comfort..
I am currently doing a daily anxiety chart (in the 2nd week) writing down a score, the thoughts and feelings, what I do to relax and then whether the anxiety goes down afterwards..My therapist gave me this..She is also doing hypnotherapy on me, but its only the 2nd time and i'm finding it hard to relax..
I am currently trying to remember that the feelings and thoughts are what they are..it doesn't mean they are real or will come true..Cos almost everything I think of is catastrophic and eventually I could sabotage my own happiness..Telling myself stupid things like, ' my boyfriend isn't right for me' ' my job will be too hard' ' I am going to end up alone forever' etc etc..Just because I get annoyed with him a lot and feel like I need space from him, I think that its over or that he isnt right for me' ..When I am relaxed, I am fine with him..But its been tough with no job, no friends or family nearby, which I have always been used to having close by..
Again thanks again for the support! It really means the world!
The same with everything really..'What if this or that'

[missath]

Hi there,
I did 2 shadow shifts at the care home and even though tiring, it helped that there were 2 other girls there that were also starting out..The staff were helpful..
Today is my first official PAID work shift, where I wear the uniform and get to be more hands on..I am actually more nervous about asking the manager for a contract of my position ( holiday conditions, pay day etc) rather than the actual work itself..She said I would get this the day I start work, but I am not counting on it!The manager is disorganized when it comes to paperwork, but its important to me to have everything on paper and signed..Its protection for me at the workplace..She is seems to be very laid back about this, but it makes me uncomfortable..Anyhow, I'm nervous but optimistic.Its good to feel useful!

[Christopher H.]

Missath, right now as I type this I am being bombarded with negative thoughts about the fact I can't find a job and it seems like things are never going to get any better. It really hurts having to put up with it and its so annoying. I constantly ask myself why do I have to put up with these things when the majority of people do not. But I try and remind myself that the way I may feel currently isn't going to last forever and that there is a small ray of happiness at the end of all the gloom that at the moment may be surrounding me. In the end, trying to remain positive is the best plan in my eyes. Keep your chin up , hang in there, and don't feel bad for so called rambling. I have learned from my friends that talking about your problems always makes you feel better. I hope you find a good job soon.

[sazco]

Missath, right now as I type this I am being bombarded with negative thoughts about the fact I can't find a job and it seems like things are never going to get any better. It really hurts having to put up with it and its so annoying. I constantly ask myself why do I have to put up with these things when the majority of people do not. But I try and remind myself that the way I may feel currently isn't going to last forever and that there is a small ray of happiness at the end of all the gloom that at the moment may be surrounding me. In the end, trying to remain positive is the best plan in my eyes. Keep your chin up , hang in there, and don't feel bad for so called rambling. I have learned from my friends that talking about your problems always makes you feel better. I hope you find a good job soon.

i think most people have anxiety and dont even know it but carry on as if they dont have it. but i could be wrong.