Hello

[Loohna]

This is my first time on a forum-
I have self diagnosed depressive personality disorder, severe social anxiety, and generalized anxiety.
Even the idea of posting this on a forum where people can read it makes me insanely uncomfortable, so the idea of seeking some sort of therapy feels basically out of the question at this point.
It's gotten to the point that I've started calling in sick to work because the feeling of dread when I wake up in the morning is overwhelming. I'm 23, and in college- the time in my life where I should be living it up, instead of shying away from any and all social interaction. I have a group of friends, but I have an extremely hard time getting close to anyone, and that constantly makes me feel like an outsider. My anxiety was bad, but manageable until I started college. It's progressively gotten more severe since then, and now I feel like it's consuming my life. I don't understand why I feel the way I do, and it makes me feel terrible about myself. I feel like I just don't know how to talk to people, and on the rare occasion that I do work up the courage to have a conversation, I'm constantly criticizing myself in my head. I've been really depressed lately, and feeling like it's not ever going to get better. I don't know what to do, but I can't live like this forever. I guess I'm just seeking advice, and to know that I'm not totally alone in this. I feel like a crazy person, and I need to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

[Brittany1995]

Hello there! No need to be uncomfortable! Everyone on here is on their own journey to peace at mind!!!:):)

[Brittany1995]

Have you been to the doctor for your conditions? There are many methods to coping with anxiety! Whether that be meditation, yoga, or counseling. Or you can do the medicine! My name it's Brit, I have Generalized Anxiety disorder, and Panic disorder! A fun mix, that is!

[Brittany1995]

I feel crazy and alone all of the time! But I'm here for you!:)

[Loohna]

Thanks for your response, Brittany.
No, I have not gone to a doctor for my conditions, that sounds terrifying. Also, I'm on my mom's insurance and don't have the funds to pay for doctors visits/medication/therapy by myself. I've tried to talk to my mom about my anxiety and depression, but I don't think she realizes the severity of my situation. Every time I've tried to bring it up, she just tells me that I'm shy and that I need to force myself to "be more outgoing, and break out of my shell". It's incredibly frustrating that she refuses to acknowledge that anxiety and depression are legitimate disorders. She feels as though I'm inflicting this mental anguish on myself and I should just be able to control it or turn it off somehow.
I have tried meditation and yoga, and a few other homeopathic remedies for anxiety, but nothing seems to be helping. I can't bear the thought that this might be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It makes waking up and going on with my life so incredibly difficult on a daily basis. I just don't know what to do.

[DannyB]

Hey Loohna,
Im new to this site too :) Ive recently called in sick this week to work. the thing is i worry about dying or having a heart attack but in my job i deliver to hospitals... So if i was to have something seriously wrong with me i am going to the right place every day where i can get help but my mind tells me otherwise. You have explained eveything that i feel aswell. You have come to the right place i have read lots of good stories here on how people have overcome there fears, and i am hoping to try the techniques people have put on this forum. Its a shame that your mum cannot understand your situation but she will never understand as she has never experienced it. So thats what this forum is for We are all here for each other as we all know what everyone is going through, Some worse than others. You will beat this, we can do it together :)

[Brittany1995]

Thanks for your response, Brittany.
No, I have not gone to a doctor for my conditions, that sounds terrifying. Also, I'm on my mom's insurance and don't have the funds to pay for doctors visits/medication/therapy by myself. I've tried to talk to my mom about my anxiety and depression, but I don't think she realizes the severity of my situation. Every time I've tried to bring it up, she just tells me that I'm shy and that I need to force myself to "be more outgoing, and break out of my shell". It's incredibly frustrating that she refuses to acknowledge that anxiety and depression are legitimate disorders. She feels as though I'm inflicting this mental anguish on myself and I should just be able to control it or turn it off somehow.
I have tried meditation and yoga, and a few other homeopathic remedies for anxiety, but nothing seems to be helping. I can't bear the thought that this might be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It makes waking up and going on with my life so incredibly difficult on a daily basis. I just don't know what to do.

You should definitely find some way to go to the doctor. If its that severe, you should get help! Living with it is tough!!!! So so tough!!!!! :( and I understand how difficult the whole "mom not getting it" thing is! I live with that everyday, too!!! It's hard for people to understand anxiety, when they themselves don't have it. Sucks.

[Suicidal Depression]

I felt like I was reading a post that I would have written. I get these thoughts that people hate me and that they are planning ways to make fun of me or embarrass me and all kinds of things like that. It makes me weird and so I end up pushing people to do those exact things that I fear. I have been feeling my self slowly go crazy for a while now.

[Loohna]

I felt like I was reading a post that I would have written. I get these thoughts that people hate me and that they are planning ways to make fun of me or embarrass me and all kinds of things like that. It makes me weird and so I end up pushing people to do those exact things that I fear. I have been feeling my self slowly go crazy for a while now.

I feel the exact same way. I have these crazy irrational thoughts about how everyone secretly hates me, even my friends, and that everyone makes fun of me behind my back. I realize that these thoughts are irrational, and most likely not true, but it's still hard to convince myself of that in the moment. I was bullied quite a bit in middle school, and I think that's where most of my social anxiety stems from. Have you sought any sort of treatment for your anxiety? If so, what kind?

[Suicidal Depression]

I haven't started any treatments yet. I haven't even talked to anybody except for the few posts on here today. My biggest problem was that some of the things I thought were happening ended up being true.(Coworkers that I thought were my friends were talking shit.) Well I have no proof of that... but you can always tell. I'm not seriously socially awkward or anything, but I have this major fear of people that I want to friends with will reject me.

[SakuraFett]

Wow I honestly thought I was the only person that had these irrational fears about people. I constantly tell myself I'm just crazy for having these thoughts about people, and it's not limited to just friends, it affects any relationship I have with a guy I constantly worry that he doesn't like me or that he's cheating on me, flirting with other girls or something like that. These thoughts and the behaviors it influences have ruined my past two relationships. It's gotten to the point that I'm a hermit and I just stay at home and only leave for work or other errands.

[Suicidal Depression]

I'm definitely right there with you. And you are right it's not just friends. I haven't been with a girl in over a year now. And it definitely is driving me crazy.

[SakuraFett]

I even have those thoughts about the people I work with. I'm always afraid they're talking about how crazy I am when I'm not around and making fun of me for the borderline ocd like way I do things.

[Suicidal Depression]

Oh my God. It's like we are living parallel lives. Took the words right out of my mouth. You start feeling like they are doing certain things just to get a certain reaction out of you. And that scares you because it's like that person can control you.

My problem is I can't get away from people that obviously don't have my best interests on their mind. It's like I start chilling with someone frequently and I get to where I wanna be with those people all the time because it's like they are giving me a chance when no one else does. But then I can see myself being obsessive so I pull away and eventually just ruin whatever relationship it happens to be.

[Loohna]

I've had similar experiences. I haven't really been able to make close friends for as long as I can remember, and when I let someone start to get close to me I begin pushing them away. I'm constantly questioning whether or not they actually like me, or if they're just hanging out with me ironically or something and making fun of me behind my back. After a certain point, I kind of give up on letting people try to get to know me because it feels so pointless, so I just shut myself out. It's really hard when people try to reach out to me, or invite me to go places and do things, and I just make up some excuse to get out of it because I feel like I'm only going to drive them off somewhere down the road. I feel like I have literally lost the ability to interact with people the way a normal person would. I worry all the time that I'm slowly losing my mind and going crazy.

[SakuraFett]

I do that too loohna, I'm down to having one friend that I still talk to and want to hang out with. I actually haven't even hung out with her in over a month because I keep making excuses just so I can stay in my "safe place" alone and miserable. I hate it so much because I know logically that I am much happier when I have friends and people to talk to and hang out with but I always start the vicious cycle all over again and let my doubts and irrational fears control me and I end up sabotaging the friendships.

[Suicidal Depression]

I think a lot of it goes back to past experiences of rejection.

Can't remember who to quote for this but...

"We want to finish unfinished business, so sometimes we re-create old, unresolved problems for the potential of a better outcome."

[SakuraFett]

That makes sense, I actually had a bad experience when I was in 6th grade where some "friends" of mine(two sisters) made up this guy cousin of theirs and told me he liked me and they kept saying he was going to call me and I would pester them every week about it so finally they called me one night pretending to be the guy and I knew it was them and I even heard them laughing about it in the background. They didn't admit it to it until we were in high school. I hate that something that happened to me so long ago could affect my adult life...I feel like I should just "get over it" as people tell me to do with my other irrational fears.

[Loohna]

I do that too loohna, I'm down to having one friend that I still talk to and want to hang out with. I actually haven't even hung out with her in over a month because I keep making excuses just so I can stay in my "safe place" alone and miserable. I hate it so much because I know logically that I am much happier when I have friends and people to talk to and hang out with but I always start the vicious cycle all over again and let my doubts and irrational fears control me and I end up sabotaging the friendships.

god, yes. I know exactly what you are talking about. It's like we create this so called "safe place" where we don't have to interact with people or ever face the things that terrify us, but in doing so we isolate ourselves from the things that we need to be happy and well adjusted.

[Suicidal Depression]

My first sexual experience was really awkward and it really messed with me. I couldn't get the condom on quickly and then I started panicking and ever since I get nervous every time the situation arises. The only reason I lost my virginity was because I was drunk at a party and my inhibitions were gone. Well i started dating that girl and never really talked to her about my problems and one time I went to perform and couldn't and she started laughing.. and I think that just ruined me.

Edit: Two different girls BTW

[Loohna]

This is really the first time that I have ever openly talked about my anxiety with people who can understand what I'm going through. I can't even express to you how much hope it gives me that I'm not the only person going through these things. For the longest time, I honestly thought that I was crazy, and frustrated with myself that I couldn't just act like a normal person and have normal social interactions. It's really encouraging knowing that I'm not alone in this

[Suicidal Depression]

This is really the first time that I have ever openly talked about my anxiety with people who can understand what I'm going through. I can't even express to you how much hope it gives me that I'm not the only person going through these things. For the longest time, I honestly thought that I was crazy, and frustrated with myself that I couldn't just act like a normal person and have normal social interactions. It's really encouraging knowing that I'm not alone in this

That's definitely one of the biggest things I've seen since joining this forum earlier today. I couldn't believe how many people really are going through what I'm going through. It doesn't change the fact that it's happening... but it kinda lifts that hopelessness and loneliness.

[SakuraFett]

It does make it better to know I'm not the only one going through these things.

[scared44]

Your definately not alone!! Ive been a sufferer for 26long yrs now and it gets worse for me anyway!! 😊