missing out

[SocAnx86]

Does anybody else feel like they're missing out on life due to anxiety? Every time I have to attend an event out of my comfort zone, I visualize crazy scenarios up to the point where I get cold feet right before the event. This has gotten me into trouble with my fiance numerous times. Now that we have a little boy on the way, I feel like this will get in the way of being a good father. Not sure why I'm posting this. Just wanted to get some advice perhaps..

ThanksThanks

[abartlett331]

You are not alone. Anxiety can really stop you from ever reaching happiness in life. I myself went through a phase where all I wanted to do was stay home, while my wife wanted to go out. This really started to affect my marriage and my family life. After some time I finally decided to just deal with it. I started going to the gym, hiking, swimming and so on... I was not going to let my anxiety control my life!! I still go through moments where I have to face my anxiety head on. My mentality now is bring it on!

[jessed03]

Totally SocAnx. I missed out on many stages of development through anxiety. Stuck to my mother in primary school, instead of socializing. Ignoring social events in school and college due to just not wanting to go for anxious reasons. Even young adult life I missed out on the whole 'wreckless youth' thing that people do. Holidays abroad, 48 hour parties etc. I didn't have my first proper girlfriend until I was 18. Wasn't intimate until almost 22. I was just f--cking scared and judgemental of myself, if you'll pardon my language.

Long story short, we can all agree, that with anxiety, you do miss out. You even go through certain developments later on.

But when I look back at those times of my life, anxiety was always in control of me, and never the other way round. You'll miss out, if you have a ruler in your head, telling you what to do. Learn what anxiety is. Really, really learn what it is. Learn what your trigger is. There are a couple of thoughts or beliefs in your head, that will always be holding you back. It can take a lot of digging to find them.


Every time I have to attend an event out of my comfort zone, I visualize crazy scenarios up to the point where I get cold feet right before the event.


I feel like this will get in the way of being a good father.

These are obviously both anxiety related thoughts. You can't harbour these, under any circumstances. They are like traitors in your mind, selling you out to the enemy. Don't trust them, and don't allow them to have a place to live in your head. The hard thing about this? They are very rational thoughts. Very rational given your circumstances. But nobody said rational thoughts can't be anxiety harbouring. I live in a dangerous neighbourhood. I always have thoughts of worry. But I know I can't let these thoughts live there. I listen to them, and then they have to go. Take the message from them, but don't keep the huge cardboard box they come in, cluttering up your mind.

They are sweet poison. They are almost worse than the regular kind, because rationality won't get rid of them. It's rationality that has caused them. It's a perception change that needs to occur for you to outgrow them. The way you think about them, and more importantly the way you react to the events that occur due to them, is what is going to define your progress in healing them.

As an example; As someone who grew up with terrible social anxiety, I mean cripplingly bad, I've spent the last 5 years since treatment, in burning it out. And I mean absolutely burning it out. I couldn't function at work, I was terrible in presentations, I was awkward around my family. I couldn't even look people in the eyes when buying vegetables in the store. I moved away one time, and wanted to experiment. I was trying to work this condition out, why I had it, what caused it, how I could treat it. I just made a decision, to write off the year. I wasnt happy living normally, so what was the harm of writing off the year. I gave myself to fail in any way I wanted - because it wasn't the real me. It was experimental me. I went insane on the social scene. I begun talking to easy people. Those that stop you in the streets to fill out surveys. Girls at the try-before-you buy section. I spent the next year, talking to any person that interested me. Yeah, I started off trembling, weak, sweating, croaky voice, dizziness and spinning. I just wanted to see what happened if I done this over 1000 times. I took a little more responsibility in the work scene. I wanted to see what happens I had seen every outcome virtually, and lived through it. And truthfully, I felt DAMN good. By the end of the 2nd year, I could talk to the most attractive girls in department stores, I could tell my boss ideas, or plans that I had. I could take lead better in work projects. I didnt have that same anxiety underlying my social interactions anymore.

I realized, my main reason for having this condition, was I was SO SO reliant, and dependant on the outcome of things. Not in the obvious ways necassarily, such as did I succeed/fail, but more in the case of - did I live up to that image of myself I really want to be living by? Did I embarass myself? Do people think I'm an alpha male, do they think I'm somebody of value . As I was going through many many many situations, suddenly that didn't matter anymore. It became a case of knowing sometimes I'd be great, and sometimes I'd be bad. Sometimes I'd be the life of the party, others sat in the corner terrified. I begun to predict things less and less. I stopped predicting crazy situations, as usually I'd done them, lived through them, and performed reassuringly well despite of them. You notice sometimes you can be amazing in terrible situations, and sometimes, when everything is set up for you to be great, you slip and fall. My quota to make decisions to base opinions on, was far far greater than when I was forcing myself to go to 2 or 3 important things per year. Suddenly now, I was doing 10 per week. I didn't have time to feel anxiety, it become irrelevant to me. I needed to keep in the moment, and judge things based on what was unfolding. I'd tried the predict before hand, and relialized most of the time I was damn wrong. It was a case of slowly becoming more and more flexible for me.

You may have a totally different trigger than me. If you really pay attention to what you feel, and why things are happening, then you may spot your trigger quite easily.

Once you understand it, it isn't so confusing, and it can simply be a case of what abartlett said - Go head to head with it - And bring it on!

Congrat's on the baby boy by the way. You're gonna be great.