Fear of Losing Control

[panicbug]

I have generalized anxiety and panic which results in depersonalization. I have been an anxious person all my life, but this problems has become amplified over the last year and a half after graduating high school and going to college. Basically for the past six months I have been in a constant state of panic and anxiety and forgotten what it's like to feel like myself/normal. I have been taking Buspar for a year and seeing a therapist for 3 months in order to help come back down.

I have a ton of different symptoms, of which I'm sure I don't have to list because I know they are typical symptoms and we all feel them. However, I have had a really REALLY tough time recently coping with the fear of losing control of myself or that I am going crazy.

I feel overwhelmed with problems, even though my only problem is my anxiousness - I think my personality and mental health is beyond repair and I have so many problems that no one would ever even be able to figure them all out. Meaning I will never ever feel normal. I feel out of control and crazy a lot of the time thinking I have Borderline Personality Disorder even though I am truthfully not impulsive and do not have any urge to harm myself/do not feel depressed. If I spend some money on myself I think I'm out of control and manic - maybe I have Bipolar disorder. If I am driving and am thinking about something instead of concentrating on my every move, I think "Oh my god, I'm out of control, what am I doing?!" I also get feelings when I'm driving that I'm too incompetent to be operating a vehicle (I have driven for 3 years without a single violation/accident and I commute to school 30 minutes every day). The feeling of being incompetent and out of control is overwhelming and I start to panic and my brain thinks "I can't be driving right now, I am not capable of this!" and I freak out. I'm also paranoid of getting pulled over while I drive and I think that this mean I'm schizo or just crazy because I have this intense fear of accidentally violating the law and then getting pulled over for it. I think I am developing schizophrenia because my eyes get fuzzy sometimes and I convince myself I'm seeing things even though I'm really just keyed up constantly which can make it seem that way.

During the brief times I feel like myself/okay, I freak myself out saying I am clearly out of control and not okay because I'm not skeptical and anxious constantly. Anxiety feels like the new normal to me and my normal feels like a symptom of my crazy

I just have so many symptoms, I guess and feel really overwhelmed. I dont want to be crazy :( Just wondering if anyone can offer advice or relate, thanks for reading!

[alankay]

Well buspar is not known to be the most effective med for anxiety but they like to try it fo GAD. I would make my first step to switch to an ssri. Also at this point adding a temp course of a benzo like klonopin or ativan might be best. When the ssri kicks in, drop the benzo. If you feel the therapist isn't helping make a change there too. The root cause for your anxiety must be found and addressed if one can be found. Buspar is not known to help much with panic if at all so I'd make that discussion with your MD a priority. You should be being treated bya pdoc if possibe as well since panic is part of the picture. PM me any time. Alankay

[Foxglove]

Hey Panicbug

Something that struck me from your post was how well written it was. You are obviously very intelligent and insightful. I know this doesn't help with anxiety but honestly, it doesn't have to be this way. I hate to think of you suffering in this way. In my opinion, you are suffering from good old fashioned anxiety and panic and not the other mental illnesses you listed. You can have this confirmed with a doctor, of course, but I think I am correct. On this forum, look for posts by 'paniccured'. I don't know them :-) But I have read what they have written and it is excellent, full of tips for recovery. Please be reassured, you are fine and it sounds to me like you have so much to offer the world. Please do email me as I am sure I can help too. I really do understand depersonalisation. And I know how you feel but from the way you have written it is so obvious that you are far from mad but suffering. I'm here if you need me.

[NixonRulz]

Not much more to say since Alankay and Foxglove answered your post spot on.

The only thing I would add that may reassure you somewhat is that people with anxiety often think they are losing control or going crazy.

Fact is, people with anxiety are so in tuune with their mind and body that they are the least likely of any group of people to have that happen.

That is not an opinion but a proven fact.

If you dare believe any doctor, which people like us have a hard time doing. How warped is that?

Also, anxiety is not a mental illness but a mental disorder.

Big difference.

Your disorder can not cause you to become shyzophranic(sp?)

[panicbug]

Thank you guys, reading your responses definitely alleviates some of my crazy feelings. You're all so kind, I truly appreciate it!!

I have been extremely hesitant to change my medication. In fact my doctor has given me a prescription for Paxil, however I am afraid of truly altering my brain chemistry. I have taken Zoloft in the past (when I was ~17) for "depression" and went off of it very quickly because of a fear of not being properly diagnosed - which really was the case as I am not depressed at all. I'm scared that I'm not truly lacking the neurotransmitter the drug is replacing and then my brain will become dependent on them and I will never be able to stop taking the medication (my ultimate goal is to be medication free). I suppose I should discuss this with my primary care doctor.

Foxglove- Thank you so much for your support and the reassurance that I'm normal. It's so comforting and very kind of you to say that to me, thank you so much! I'll be looking for those posts right now, haha

NixonRulz- Thank you for the comment about illness vs. disorder. That will truly help me when I'm in a tizzy about how "sick" my head is. Thank you! [/FONT]

[KitahD]

Wow. Did I write your post?! I have such a fear of going crazy...losing control...am I really Bipolar? Am I happy because I'm manic? Do other people think I'm manic when I'm happy? Do I seem irrational to others or "out there"? I feel like I'm going to completely lose it sometimes! I have fears of losing control and harming somebody...a family member, a pet, etc. I'm not a violent person yet I fear this is going to happen! I'm not depressed but then I fixate on whether or not I'm suicidal then I begin to wonder if I'm suicidal because I'm thinking about being suicidal. Such a bizarre cycle!! I'm a Christian but then fear that I'll lose control - to what, I'm not sure. I frequently think of being admitted to a mental institution because I've lost it.

My first panic attack was last October. I'm a 35 yr old mother of three...I honestly think the stress of children and work (though only part time), multiple pets, a house to keep clean, the constant messes, etc, caused my first attack. I've always had a small (or so I thought) degree of OCD. Now I realize just how ingrained and part of my every day life my OCD has actually been!