Terrified of future but desire life back :-)

[Foxglove]

Can anyone offer any seeds of wisdom please. I am a newbie and think this forum is incredibly helpful and insightful too.

I live with my husband who has clinical depression and is a recovering alcoholic (hasn’t drunk for many years) and his mother who has Alzheimer's.

I am her official carer and also his.

We also live with my husband’s son who is 19 and is currently unemployed. He does help but is extremely lazy! But he does come with me if I need to attend say the dentist and my husband can’t come.

I suffer from agoraphobia and anxiety and emetophobia which I have had for many years. I have a fear of loss of control and also a big fear of being alone.

I am worried about my situation because I am rather trapped and I also don’t have close friends to turn to (perhaps through the isolation of agoraphobia) and no family at all.

My husband can get very angry with the world and life can be very difficult. I am afraid of the destruction I could leave behind if I left. I don’t think he would survive.

I have been in troubled relationships before and have received help from Women’s Aid. I was once almost put into a refuge but couldn’t stand it there and had to leave, only to be put into a supported house with drug addicts. It was one of the worst times of my life, one I would hate to repeat.

I feel I am too old for that now and worthy of more.

However, I also am not in a position to leave; I am fearful of the effect such a separation would have on me because I have no one to turn to. I am worried my anxiety would heighten and I am very frightened, as a result, of being on my own. I am concerned that if I left I would have a breakdown. If there is ever a time when I think my husband may not return, my anxiety is immense, more than I have ever known. I know my thoughts are all wrong because if anything he needs me, not the other way around. I have coped on my own before but have been very unhappy. I know this is a co-dependent relationship.

I am trying to get as much outside support as possible, through social services because of my mother in law (hopefully a support worker) and also mental health team (appointment soon) and additionally I will be seeing someone eventually from woman's aid. All this takes time and has taken a lot of work to receive.

I have tried joining a theatre company. I am trying to do all I can to improve my life but this situation remains.

Any help would be much appreciated. I have read posts on here by PanicCured and think they are amazing!

Thank you

[Nicolette]

It seems to me, that you have suffered so much stress lately, and you have so much to deal with on a daily basis, that you really need to get out, and not do something for the sake of it but because you really enjoy it.

I dont know what social groups you have avaliable to you, by my anxiety was helped so much by being around happy and understanding people with a fun vibe. My local town has a mental health charity, and they do groups . I didnt like the idea of going to a meeting by a mental health charity but the people there were so fun and normal.

I also took a cooking course, which i loved. 2 hours would pass, without me ever even thinking about anxiety for a second.

You are much stronger than you think Fox. I was living with my young son with a verbally abusive, arrogant man who was an alcoholic. I was too scared to leave him because i thought i wont survive on my own. i thought i will fall apart. but one day i decided i would leave him, and it was so hard, but now i live in a small house, in a nice area with my young boy. it was really hard, but i think we have more strength that we realise. I felt very guilty to, but you cant live your life for somebody. you cant be in their head and make the right decisions and make them want to change and support you.

You are nobodies carer in this world fox, only your childrens. :)