My story

[Brittany1995]

IT'S A LONG ONE!!
When I was 11 years old I started to feel more scared of things. Like stupid things. Like weather. I had my first full blown panic attack when I was 12 in class. (embarrassing as fuck!) I couldn't breathe and was 100% sure that I was going to die. I recovered from it and was always more worrisome after that. When I started middle school in 7th grade it was just bad. Nobody including myself knew that I had anxiety. It was just these crying scared fits!!! I'd miss the school bus on purpose. my grades dropped, totally lost interest in what I wore. When I first found out about my actual problem, it was a school psychiatrist who had solved it. She gave me breathing exercises. It helped. I learned to cope we were a "no crazy meds" family. with it through 8th grade with only 1 bad day. And through 9th grade with 1 major incident. The summer of ninth grade is when like, they got horrid. I thought I had heart problems, anything you could think of, I was for sure I had it. Crazy! Oh and BTW throughout this whole process my family thought I was crazy, and I only had one friend.... I went to the doctor finally got on Celexa. Upped the dose a few times and it was amazing! I functioned normal!!! And I was the happiest. Had a boo, felt sane, had tons of friends, became a total peach! I stopped taking Celexa because I thought I was cured. 2 months later anxiety came back. Horrible feeling! Just dumped, emotional wreck, then this! Lol life makes me laugh sometimes. But I got back on my safe Celexa. Kept upping the dose, but NOTHING happened!!!! I stopped filling it, and stopped going to the doctor and tried winging it. Uncomfortable as fuck! At school trapped in class. Sweaty palms, biting nails, shaking my feet, the sudden heat in the room, it was unbearable. Went back to the doc, tried Celexa again. Failed. But I always tried to maintain my spunky personality, which is difficult. After trying to wing it again for like the 3rd time, I went back to my doc a wreck last week, (at 18 yrs old) this time I wrote down all my symptoms. Chills, insomnia, worry, racing thoughts, etc. and I wake up at night and parts of my body would be numb! It would scare me shitless! She gave me Xanax to take for like instant cures. And lexapro to take every night that I started today. Hopes for help!:):)
How I got anxiety is like the big unanswered question in my life. But it's probably obvious. My parents were teens when I was born. My dad went off for a while or whatever. My mom who has bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and has paranoid Schizophrenia, like super sucked at raising me. When I was four and my sister was a week old we went to live with my grandparents. I felt betrayed and abandoned. Because before that she'd leave me home alone all of the time. At like 3 and 4 years old. So when I was 5 my dad came around and me and my sis have lived with him since then and we have an amazing spoiled life. So I'm trying to like figure out if its that, that caused my anxiety, or like just fate. I'm afraid of ending up as crazy as my mother. And I'm afraid of losing myself as a human! My moms mom and dad both had anxiety, and that grandpas mom had anxiety. And that whole side of the family is dotted with other scary mental disorders. I'm not looking for sympathy! I want someone to relate to or even thoughts that could be helpful!!!:) thank you!

[Brittany1995]

Oh! Things I'm scared of:

Being alone
Dark
Sleeping at night
Trapped in classrooms
Malls (ironic I'm a shopper!)
Most public places
Public image
And most of all: having panic attacks.

[NixonRulz]

Well, you sure are a mess, huh? LOL

Brittany - Much like you , my symptoms started young but I didn't understand what they were. Fortunately I never panicked until I made into my early 20's and that is when shit got ugly.

I too would worry about the next one, which is the difference between people like us and people who can have just one and never think about it again.

All the symptoms you listed are anxiety symptoms. You do not have the patent on any of them, although I know it feels there is nobody else that feels like you.

I understand that you are searching for the "why did it happen to me" answer.

Unfortunately, I do not think that there is a eureka moment and everything goes away. I did that for years and I was sure once I discovered the reason, it would just go away.

That isn't to try and discourage you, but to help you understand that you may be chasing false hope.

Because you are wired this way, it was coming at some point in time regardless of what you did. Nothing would have prevented it. Blame your parents.

Try to keep in mind that anxiety is considered a disorder and not an illness. The scary mental illness' you can develop from your anxiety disorder do not exist. The reason we think that they could happen is a symptom of our anxiety. How screwed up is that whole cycle?

I have heard that people can get so discouraged that they develop depression, and understandably so.

But I have never heard of someone's anxiety turn into bi polar or schyzophrenia.

I think medication can be great. Most people do not like to take meds and I understand that but be thankful there is something available that can help you at least be guided back on the right track.

You sound like you are open minded to anything that can help and I think that is the best way to rid yourself, or at least better tolerate the symptoms.

I would wish you good luck but I think think you got this shit wrapped up.

God Bless!

[Brittany1995]

Haha! Thanks! I enjoyed reading that! :)