I am tired of suffering.

[BEDLEMKNOB]

I have had depression/OCD since I was little (40 years ago) and never knew I had it. I dealt with it in the best way I knew how. I have gone through therapy a dozen times or so within the last 15 years and have been on large doses of Prozac & Wellbutrin after mucg trial & error.

I am tired of the drugs, I am tired of the doctors, I am tired of being like this.

I have gone through a lot during my life- my father & brother dying in 1998 & 2000, childhood events, alcoholism & drugs to self-medicate, my husband going through cancer (& recovering), this whold depression/OCD thing. I have been off the alcohol for 4 years. Everyone is so proud of me and tells me how well I have handled all these obstacles. That's what appears like on the outside.

I have worked hard on dealing with this problem and I am tired of working. I am tired of going to the psychologist and going through the same thing over & over again. I am tired of family suggesting that I go back to the doctor. It just goes on and on. I just want to be like a normal person.[/list]

[ligeia]

I know it is so hard. I am still very young (early twenties) but I too have suffered from severe depression and lots of anxiety since childhood. It was undiagnosed until I turned 21 when I would suddenly burst into tears at random times and could not get out of bed, had suicidal ideation etc.

Sometimes it just really sucks when you feel like you've gone to therapy, been on all these drugs and suffered for all these years to no avail. I feel your pain. But it will get better. Just keep chugging along, you will find the right therapist who really can answer your questions and guide you into relief, just like the right psychiatrist will understand you and all of your complexity and help you find the way to health.

[BEDLEMKNOB]

Actually I have found a good psychiatrist (medication is monitored every 6 months) and a good psychologist (who I go to several times at least once/year). I'm just tired of going, tired of the whole situation. Sorry to sound so negative. I guess I am just weary of chugging.

I know you can understand what I am going through and I am thankful to learn you are on the right track. I think it would have been easier for me if I had started the process earlier.

I would just like to "snap" out of this whole thing- regain motivation, no drugs, no wierd thoughts.

[ligeia]

Yeah, chugging sucks. I have been going to the same psychologist for three years and I just had a big talk with my psychiatrist (the only of my doctors who I think TRULY understands me) and it seems as though right now it is not as much a medication issue as it is a fundamental view about myself issue that needs to be worked on. It sucks. And then my doc asks why my psychologist and I haven't been able to really address these problems and the answer is I don't know. Then I start to think it is my fault, like am I deliberately not saying the right thing to her, or is she just not quite the right therapeutic fit for me right now, but I want to think that she is, how do you know if you're not being helped by your therapist or if therapy is not working and that kind of thing. *sigh*

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I want to just lay in bed and not worry. Plus, I get so tired from all the anxiety or depression that it's hard to function at times. Some days are better than others and today is a kind of worrisome day. Gosh I'm so tired. And my boyfriend is annoyed that I am wanting to hang out with my neighbor tonight instead of going out because my neighbor happens to be in town, he is usually away. My boyfriend would rather go do something else, because my neighbor and I have not seen each other in a long time and usually we just sit in his kitchen and talk and hang out. I don't know if my boyfriend wants to go out dancing or drinking or something but he knows I can't drink because of my medications. Eh I dunno. Rough day today. I can do it it just won't be easy.

[jane99]

Boy do i know the feelings of being sick and tired of myself. I hope that you can get to the point where the depression isn't something separate from you. I think when we take responsibility for ourselves, we feel some relief. It's like - hmmmm,,,, if this is "my deal" then i should be able to do something about it. Instead of making it something outside of us that we do not have control over. Does that make any sense at all :)
peace & love,,,,,,,,,,

[Be_Free_21]

I have had depression/OCD since I was little (40 years ago) and never knew I had it. I dealt with it in the best way I knew how. I have gone through therapy a dozen times or so within the last 15 years and have been on large doses of Prozac & Wellbutrin after mucg trial & error.

I am tired of the drugs, I am tired of the doctors, I am tired of being like this.

I have gone through a lot during my life- my father & brother dying in 1998 & 2000, childhood events, alcoholism & drugs to self-medicate, my husband going through cancer (& recovering), this whold depression/OCD thing. I have been off the alcohol for 4 years. Everyone is so proud of me and tells me how well I have handled all these obstacles. That's what appears like on the outside.

I have worked hard on dealing with this problem and I am tired of working. I am tired of going to the psychologist and going through the same thing over & over again. I am tired of family suggesting that I go back to the doctor. It just goes on and on. I just want to be like a normal person.[/list]

Traumatic events will almost always have a lasting effect on a person, but the trick is learning to channel those emotions into something positive. Don't give up hope, there is always a solution that does not involve drugs.

[mayrose]

I've lived my whole life with this-and for the last 7 years have been on medication. I too jst want to feel 'normal'-whatever that is. I want to wake up feeling happy and alive-not sad-and dreading another day.
I have moments of happiness-but they are short lived. My depression has isolated me from loved ones-as they can't understand it-and don't want it-like an infectious disease.
I'm reading a good book right now by Stephen Levine-and his journey-and trials and tribulations-to get to a place of spirit-a higher power-so to speak. Perhaps that's true for all of us who suffer from this-something is telling us we are so much more-but our rational mind refuses to get it.
Add to student debt-and other debt--my rational mind can't focus on the beauty in life anymore--where at one time I could-even though I did have this disorder. Many life situations brought me to this place-and now it's my work to get to a better place-because I deserve it-and so does everyone here. Mayrose

[ski-li]

Boy do i know the feelings of being sick and tired of myself. I hope that you can get to the point where the depression isn't something separate from you. I think when we take responsibility for ourselves, we feel some relief. It's like - hmmmm,,,, if this is "my deal" then i should be able to do something about it. Instead of making it something outside of us that we do not have control over. Does that make any sense at all :)
peace & love,,,,,,,,,,

I couldn't agree more with jane99. I grew up feeling very isolated from people, like I didn't belong, sad, depressed, etc. But I began reading self help books and started to learn how to own up to my emotions and really explore them rather than wishing it would all go away. I would always pray that it would just "go away" but I wasn't really trying to learn why I was depressed. I just kept trying to wish "it" away whatever "it" was. But when I got to the root of my problem it made dealing with it much easier because I understood more about it.

[Anxieteer]

BEDLEMKNOB, I am only 24 but I relate to your feeling tired of it all. I am tired of suffering and listening to the same advice -- exercise, stay busy, see a doctor/therapist -- that hasn't worked. People in my life have been very kind about it, but they just don't understand. I joined this forum because I thought maybe people here would understand.

[Denise]

I would like to recommend a book "Essential help for your nerves" or "Peace from Nervous Suffering" by Claire Weekes. Reading her book(s) was a miracle for me. I couldn't believe I spent so many years suffering with anxiety and depression. If you feel inclined - you can order it used online.
Take care,
Denise

[BeachGaBulldog]

I have suffered from the same symptoms since I was a teen,( I am 48), and have dealt with similar circumstances. My mom was my best friend, and I lost her in 1992, age 51, to breast cancer. My father was physically and verbally abusive towards me.
Like you, I have been going to therapy, and have been on meds since 1992. I am tired of the counseling, pills, and tired of dealing with life.
My life is just as lousy as its always been, and no matter what I have tried to do, it hasn't changed.
To say that I am mentally exhausted would be one of the biggest understatements ever.

[Anxious Frank]

Everyone is so proud of me and tells me how well I have handled all these obstacles. That's what appears like on the outside.

Paint the inside to match!

What I am trying to say with the above abomination is that you have already proved to yourself that you can beat this. The sheer fact that you are still with us means that you are strong. You've gotten past everything it has thrown at you for forty years.

Forty years is a long time. Fixing this is going to take a hell of an effort.

[supermoose101]

I have had depression/OCD since I was little (40 years ago) and never knew I had it. I dealt with it in the best way I knew how. I have gone through therapy a dozen times or so within the last 15 years and have been on large doses of Prozac & Wellbutrin after mucg trial & error.

I am tired of the drugs, I am tired of the doctors, I am tired of being like this.

I have gone through a lot during my life- my father & brother dying in 1998 & 2000, childhood events, alcoholism & drugs to self-medicate, my husband going through cancer (& recovering), this whold depression/OCD thing. I have been off the alcohol for 4 years. Everyone is so proud of me and tells me how well I have handled all these obstacles. That's what appears like on the outside.

I have worked hard on dealing with this problem and I am tired of working. I am tired of going to the psychologist and going through the same thing over & over again. I am tired of family suggesting that I go back to the doctor. It just goes on and on. I just want to be like a normal person.[/list]

Dear BEDLEMKNOB,
My name is Tess, and I am 14 years old. I have had anxiety for a long time, and at one point, I wasn't even able to swallow without water. I know it gets tiring, taking medication all the time, and people treating you funny because you're different, but people like us, we've gotta hold on and stay strong, because eventually it will get better. I used to wish that I could be a normal person, but then, I realized that I'm happy with myself the way I am. I may not be the most popular or normal, but I just want to help people, and do good in the world. And I know that you do too. I know its hard, but we can make it through.

[Robbed]

BEDLEMKNOB, I am only 24 but I relate to your feeling tired of it all. I am tired of suffering and listening to the same advice -- exercise, stay busy, see a doctor/therapist -- that hasn't worked. People in my life have been very kind about it, but they just don't understand. I joined this forum because I thought maybe people here would understand.

Sometimes, non-sufferers (including therapists) will give you good advice, such as exercise, keeping busy, making dietary changes, learning to think more positively, etc. But the BIG mistake they make is that they almost never mention is that none of these things will bring about a speedy recovery. Although all of these things are actually important to making a recovery, the truth is that they need to be practiced diligently over the long haul, and despite setbacks. True recovery NEVER happens fast. It will take a deliberate effort, and likely for months to years. This is especially true if you have been suffering for a REALLY long time. There will also be MANY setbacks. Unfortunalely, some people equate setbacks with failure. And this tend to stop MANY people dead in their tracks - even after making significant progress. But you have to keep trying. After all, setbacks pass.

[MissWorry]

I know how you feel. I consider suicide almost daily now, although I would never have what takes to actually go through with it.

I've gotten to the point where I actually hate myself to a certain extent. When I'm not completely anxiety stricken and on the verge of losing my mind, I'm lying in bed without any energy. My husband and I recently got a puppy, and I feel guilty because I can seldom bring myself to play with him and interact with him. I feel guilty about even getting him sometimes, he deserves better that a motionless depressed owner who has to force herself to play with him.

On average, my emotions are: guilty, anxious, depressed, and angry. Before going off my AD meds and getting birth control, this wasn't the case. My husband has tried to make me happy, but I can see him starting to give up. He spends more and more time away from me and when we are together we end up fighting. As horrible as it sounds, if I were commit suicide, I think part of him would be relieved. I've dragged him down with my misery. I've withdrawn from everyone but him, so he gets most of my wrath. As much as I've drug him down, he can no longer be the support I need him to be. I love him so much, but I feel so consumed by sadness it's all I can really put out. If I were kill myself, I'd be doing him and myself a favor. It's my mom dad and sister who it would destroy, though. They've always been my rock, but they're living in another country. All I have is my husband and he's almost stopped caring completely. He has the day off today, yet still left at 11am to get away from me. Right now, he's at work "exercising." He claims playing basketball with his co-workers is his only way to stay in shape, even though we live right on a beautiful walking/biking/jogging trail that goes all through the city and our apt building has a fitness center....:roll:

I used to be so full of life and excitement. I saw everyday as an adventure and I was always happy to be alive. I was a completely different. Now, I literally dread waking up in the morning. I slept in as late as possible just to avoid feeling part of the world. I'm going to be going off of the birth control and going back on my meds soon. I pray to God that changes me back into who I used to be. If it doesn't...I'm all out of ideas. I can't accomplish everything I've dreamed about feeling like I do now, that's not living. People always try to judge those who commit suicide and tell them there are other ways of handling it, but that's easy for them to say. They're on the outside looking in.

[MissWorry]

BEDLEMKNOB, I am only 24 but I relate to your feeling tired of it all. I am tired of suffering and listening to the same advice -- exercise, stay busy, see a doctor/therapist -- that hasn't worked. People in my life have been very kind about it, but they just don't understand. I joined this forum because I thought maybe people here would understand.

My husband tells me that too (stay busy, meet people, work out). He took me laser tagging on friday. It was fun and really perked me up for the time being...but the next day, I was back feeling like crap.

[DDiaz]

I truly hope that those that made these posts over the last 2 years have become well.

There is an answer out there, I promise because I found it.

I used to hate it when my parents would say "Just get over it, your life isn't that bad." and "What is wrong with you, why can't you just be happy?"

I know all too well how useless that advice is. I remember sleeping all day, crying for no reason and feeling suicidal.

I met my husband four years ago and he had also suffered intense depression for years. He also never gave up hope that he would find a way out and he did. He studied the brain, thoughts, beliefs and patterns in depression. And he found a way out. He shared it with me, and I am now really alive for the first time in my life.

Unfortunately, in some ways my dad was right, he just didn't know how to help me. The answer does lie in HOW you are thinking, not necessarily what you are thinking. Its actually not that hard to shift how you think.

I am not talking about positive affirmations or any of that crap that doesn't work. Its far too surface and unbelievable to just say " I am happy" a million times a day. I know that these kind of affirmations don't work.

You must change the thoughts you are thinking when you don't know you are thinking, change your unconscious thinking.

The relief that you will feel when you try this is amazing and permanent. Please, its worth the five minutes it will take you to check out the link here.