Repressed memory making me anxious and depressed

[craig841]

Hi, Im 21 years of age. I have a loving Mum and Dad, great friends and a healthy sex life. Life should be great, but i am terrified that all of that counts for nothing due to a memory of when i was only 6/7. Before i explain, i will make it clear that i am completely straight. I have nothing against gay people, but i have never had a gay thought in my life. However when i was 6/7 i had a friend of the same age. One day we were comparing out private parts, something that is a normal curious thing to do at that age. However this is where it got a bit strange, i cant remember how it came about but he asked me to put my mouth over/lick his willy, and i did. If i remember i hated it and did it for a couple of seconds at most. But for what ever reason, i think i remember it happening again, two maybe three times. I cant be sure because its so faint, but i remember it happening more then once. It was not sexual, as for one im not gay and secondly i had no idea of sexuality at that age, so im not confused about it in that regards. I use to be horrified of what i did when i use to try and remember, but after seeking advise from my mum she claimed that the child was quite strange who it happened with, and that it was most probably his idea and i reluctantly went along with. And im positive that that was the case. None of my friends know, and i have no intentions of telling them. But thats what scares me the most. Even though there is no possible way of them finding out (Since the other kid has moved away, and probably forgot anyway) i cant feel normal with my friends lately knowing that there is a secret about me that if they were to know, they would feel completely different about me. They are great friends and they would act like they understand, but i know deep down they would feel freaked out by it. I know its my ego talking, but i just feel like this story is so humiliating that if it was to be revealed, people would never look at me in the same way again. I wouldn't judge somebody for it, but in the world we live in its things like that which stick with you. I know nobody will find out, but i cant get it out of my head. Im feeling hopeless lately and am starting to ask for the first time in my life, whats the point of carrying on. It may sound feeble to some, but im finding it hard to cope, has anyone any advise for me please?

[anxiousmal]

I wouldnt worry about it. People do all sorts of things when they are kids. And to be honest I dont think people would care if they knew.

I mean if it came up during conversation amongst some people in a bar or pub I dont think people would bat an eye listed much less care. If one of my mates told me this, Id laugh at it for a moment and then get to the next topic of conversation. Anyway I can tell you now everyone has done something like this and everyone has thier secrets. Yours is nothing to worry about.

For instance, where I live there is a grotty rock and metal club and there was once a small Hungarian guy who liked to dress as a girl. This young guy-girl got his kicks by copping off with young men at said rock club, who didnt realise this guy was a girl. This was well known amongst the regulars.

:One particular night this guy-girl had caught himself in his web of crazy kicks several young men who thought they had found a really free young lady. They were all enjoying some close personal frolicking with guy-girl and hadn't noticed that, well pretty much the whole club had stopped what they were doing and all were watching what was happening with these dudes and the guy-girl. This was probably like 100+ people watching and basically giggling like school children.

The dudes did not even notice this. They didnt realise until someone had let the cat out of the bag, outside the club. You can't really imagine how mortified these guys were.

Anyway my point is, dont worry about it eveyone has done stupid shit and pretty much all of it is way stupider than what you did.

[craig841]

Thanks for the support. I know that morally i didn't do anything wrong, and since i was so young it had nothing to do with sexuality. I know its a combination of anxiety and my ego taking action, but i just feel like If people were to know nobody would take me seriously again. Maybe its because im only 21, and as i get older i will realize i was worrying over nothing. But at the moment, i feel so alone if im honest. I would love to tell people and for them just to say "Dont worry about it, nobody cares" but i really do think that it would follow me forever, people would always associate me with the incident. Im sorry for going on about it, but it feels like a massive deal to me. Thanks for the support though, it really helps.